Is seems universal that people find confidence attractive. But at what point does self-assurance cross the line to arrogance and thus become unattractive?

This week I was contacted by a self-described alpha male. These men are typically proud to be dominant, “my way or the highway” kind of guys. They consider compromise wimpy. They often rise to the top of their profession, sometimes by bullying, intimidation and manipulation.

Curious, I responded to his email, asking about his statement, “I will be a *Best Selling* Author (shortly)” (sic — emphasis his). He has no agent, no publisher and has barely started the book. Having 25 published books of my own, two of which have sold over 200,000 copies, I know what it takes to become a bestseller. It is not something one can proclaim before it is even published.

Since he doesn’t know the rules of capitalization, I wonder if he knows how to spell “hubris.”

When I questioned him about his lack of personal photos, only pics of his home and cars, he pointed me to his profile, which says, “I would hope that a woman (any woman) would pay attention to what I ‘wrote’ in my profile, more so than just judge by looking at pictures.

“I think it is completely ‘subjective’ when someone looks a picture and is either delighted, suspect, or intimidated by what they ‘see’. I am not one of those. I take into account every aspect of another persons (sic) personality, character, ambition, or self-esteem to the absolute disregard for their material posessions (sic); which can neither keep me, control me, or maintain me.”

So, this overly confident man doesn’t have a clue of the importance of seeing how one projects oneself to the world through appearance. He purportedly takes into account *every* other aspect of another. Right. How could one possibly get that from a few pics? Impossible.

People’s words — whether written or spoken — can speak volumes about their values, priorities, and character. Of course people can — and do — lie. But if they are sharing their truth — as I believe this pompous man is — they will reveal as much as you need to know.

Have you encountered alpha males in your dating adventures? How did you deal with them?

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Want to understand more about midlife men? Get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors 

For decades men have been disparagingly referred to as frogs. The opposite of a prince.

But what if you are being frog-like? Not in behavior, but in voice.

As in croaky.

The result of a cold.

This week I find myself in this situation with two new men wanting to call and get to know me. The problem is my voice sounds like a man. A nasally man.

Not a great first impression.

The sound of one’s voice can be powerfully enticing. I’m a sucker for a deep-voiced man, as are many women. And I’m told my voice is alluring — normally.

Not so much this week.

I’ve been getting by with acknowledging their sweet, concerned voice mails with wittily worded emails. However, I know I can’t keep them at bay forever. I’m going to have to hop in and actually croak on the phone.

I’ll do my best not to ribbit. Or worse, to bray like the cacophony of bullfrogs I heard after a thunderstorm in Brunei. I’d never heard flogs bleat that loudly. They were calling for a lover — any lover. I must not bray for an indiscriminate roll in the hay. However, I was told the deep-throated bullfrogs had bigger harems, so there must be something to that.

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Find out other situations you may encounter as you begin dating again. Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

“A Tootsie-pop? Really?” you say.

You know, the kids’ treat.

“How can I, an accomplished, midlife woman, be like a Tootsie-pop?” you ask.

Good question. Let me explain.

In a conversation with a pal who’d like to be a suitor, he was explaining my appeal. “You have this tough, businesslike, ‘don’t mess with me’ exterior. But inside, you’re soft and gooey.”

“Like a Tootsie-pop!” I exclaimed.

“Exactly. Soft and delicious once you get past the hard shell.”

It got me thinking about how many other women are Tootsie-pop-like. We have developed a demeanor that shows we are not to be toyed with. Yet inside, we are vulnerable, soft and tender. Many men are intimidated by the exterior, so few get to see our gooey insides.

We know men find confidence attractive, but so is softness. So how do we balance the two? How do we allow the gooeyness to ooze through the hard shell so they will see we aren’t impenetrable?

I think the answer is the same as with the Tootsie-pop. The outer shell is only pierced after some time and attention. It’s not like a boxed chocolate piece — the inside easily accessed. No. With a Tootsie-pop, one must make a commitment to getting to the inside. It takes time. Biting through the exterior is not easy. You have to coax out the yummy center through prolonged contact.

And so it is with us Tootsie-pop gals. In order to access our soft, delicious center, a man has to commit some time to us and give us the attention we deserve.

Are you a Tootsie-pop woman? If so, why?

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In what other ways are you delicious? Download your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch

Resolutions are not just declarations of what you wish you could accomplish. They are firm decisions, according to the dictionary. So as we enter 2012, what commitments, pledges and promises do you make to yourself about your dating activities?

Here are mine to get you started:

* Keep hope alive. It’s easy to get disappointed and depressed when you think you’ve found your special someone, then to have it fall apart. Or to find the singles interested in you aren’t the least bit interesting to you, and those you find intriguing don’t feel similarly.

* Be flexible. Knowing which characteristics (e.g., values) aren’t negotiable and which ones are (e.g., profession, income).

* Find a balance between continuing the quest and knowing when to give it a short rest. It’s important to not give up on finding love, but also knowing when you’re getting discouraged to taking a break.

* Continue to work on being the best me and being attractive to the type of men I want to attract. For me, that means reinvigorating my resolve to eat healthily and exercise more frequently.

* Look for the sparks of goodness in your date. Some people make that difficult, but take on the task as a game! It doesn’t mean you have to have a second date, but practice giving the other a bit of grace for the moment, unless the comment or behavior is egregious.

* Keep a sense of humor — even when you’re rejected. It’s easy to take rejection personally, but instead adopt a “oh well” attitude and move on. Resist the temptation to label him “loser” — instead chock it up to “we’re not a match.”

Share with us your dating resolutions for 2012.

__________________

Want to see how you can have courage reentering the dating scene? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

The holidays can feel lonely if you don’t have someone with whom to enjoy the season. No matter what you celebrate — or maybe you don’t celebrate anything — December is filled with reminders to be with loved ones.

What if you really miss having a special someone? You like to snuggle in front of a present-bedecked tree, but you have no one to snuggle. Or you enjoy lighting a menorah with a sweetie. Or maybe you love sharing holiday light viewing while walking hand in hand.

I have two suggestions for getting you through the holidays.

The first is a bit pedestrian, but I have to remind you. Do the things you love anyway, whether with friends or by yourself. Don’t linger on loneliness — focus on the enjoyment of the activity.

The second is a bit more unusual. Visit a nursing home and bring some of what you love to them. This holiday I’m visiting my aunt who now lives in a nursing home. I’ve been hanging out with her a few hours a day for the last 5 days. I notice there are lots of people who don’t get a lot of attention. When the staff does talk to them, hold their hand or hug them, their eyes shine, a smile crosses their face, they seem more alive.

The home provides daily activities like bingo, and groups come in to carol and offer seasonal entertainment. But I’m sure they are not overloaded with visitors or activities. If you like to carol, why not either join in when caroling groups visit, or put together your own group and offer to visit? Want to have company while menorah lighting? Why not call a local home and see if they are doing it there and can you join in?

While it’s doubtful you could take the residents out to look at colorful lights, you could ask the home if you can bring some to decorate the pubic rooms, or for those would like a string or two in their own rooms?

Or maybe you’d enjoy reading some classic holiday stories to the residents. Even taking a well-trained dog brings joy to those who miss their own pets.

What else can you think of to offer to those who also feel lonely but can’t get out to have their companionship needs met? Share your ideas with us.

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Are you ready to start dating? Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? will help you decide.

You’ve exchanged a few fun, interesting and engaging emails with a new guy from an online site. Maybe you’ve also had a satisfying phone call or two.

He promises to call again in the next few days. He says he likes talking to you and wants to get together.

Then…

… nothing.

No email.

No call.

No invitation for coffee.

You wonder what happened. Was he lying? Already dating someone else? Married?

Perhaps.

More likely he got distracted.

By another woman. A TV show. Work. Life.

Pretty much anything.

In over 5 years of dating, I’ve found men are easily distracted by “shiny objects.” These can be any of the above — or pretty much anything else that takes his focus.

He’s forgotten about you. At least for now.

Was it that he just wasn’t that into you? Perhaps.

More likely, he’s just let other things take his focus.

He may be back to you. In a day. Or a week. Or a month. Or never.

Don’t let it bug you. Just keep going. Don’t wait for his call. Don’t chastise him in an email. It is what it is. You have better things to do than obsess over why he isn’t contacting you. If he calls, fine. You can decide if you want to continue your conversations or not. But don’t ream him out for not calling as he said he would. He doesn’t feel beholden to you now, as he really doesn’t even know you yet.

Let it go. If he does reconnect and this pattern continues, then no need to keep in contact. However, he may be the kind of guy who needs to see you a few times before he decides he’d like to date you, then steps up a bit.

Is it what you’d like? No. But it is what it is. And it’s common in dating. So just accept it and don’t get bitter about it or that anger will leak out to other guys. That’s very unattractive.

Keep dating. Someone will find you are the shiny object that distracts him from other parts of his life.

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Want to know what to expect when dating in midlife? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping

Finding and Dating Men Comfortable with a Female Breadwinner

Dec 12m 12:00pm PST/3pm EST, 8pm GMT; 9pm CET
$47/£29

In this frank and lively webinar, two thought leaders will delve straight into the heart of what it means to find and keep love for high-earning professional women.

Dr. Suzanne Doyle-Morris and the Dating Goddess will share what they’ve learned from research, their clients and their personal experiences.

Relationships in the 21st Century often involve gender role reversals with many women being more educated and earning more than their potential mates.  What are the rewards and challenges that face these couples and what should you be looking for from the first date?

In this webinar, you will learn:

* Where to find men confident enough in his own skin to be proud of your achievements
* If you are well-suited to  be the main earner in a relationship…or if you are more traditional than you think 
* What unique traits makes beta men attractive 
* If you can keep your career and marry an alpha man 
* What signals to notice, even from the first date, that he won’t be threatened with your career
* How to avoid men who want a ‘sugar-mummy’

Register now for this 1-hour webinar or pre-order the recording.

The experts:

• Dr. Doyle-Morris will draw from her experiences coaching senior level working women on career development, and the work she does with audiences from a range of traditionally male-dominated sectors.
• Dating Goddess is a bestselling author of the 15-book Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 series. She’s appeared on Oprah, 60 Minutes, the Wall St. Journal, USA Today and international media. She shares her insights, stories and advice from dating 112 men after her 20-year marriage dissolved. http://www.DatingGoddess.com

Register or order the recording

After a long search for your perfect match, you’d welcome help — any help — finding him. You’d do nearly anything to speed up your quest.

Wong Tai Sin

This was my feeling last week when I found myself at Hong Kong’s Wong Tai Sin Temple. It is famed for the many prayers answered: “What you request is what you get” via a practice called kau cim. The temple is named after Wong Tai Sin, believed by some to be a god who walked upon the earth and had amazing power to heal believers.

My Hong Kong friends walked me through the kau cim process. First, I chose and lit 9 incense sticks and stuck them in the sand. Then, I got a bamboo cylinder containing fortune sticks and knelt before the main altar. Making a wish (“Let me find my perfect match soon”), I shook the cylinder full of numbered sticks until one stick fell out. Mine was number 95.

my fortune teller; Mr. Wong stature in upper middle (white)

Needing interpretation, I chose one of the fortune tellers among the many stalls. Telling him my number, he pulled out a playing-card-size paper bearing the same number, on which was printed a story. My friend translated as he spoke.

The essence of the message was that my past was filled with “thin” relationships — not at the depth I longed for. My journey to find my sweetheart had been long and arduous. (It had indeed!) I had a hole in my heart from this lack of fulfilling relationships that needed to be healed before I’d find my true love.

If I made an offering to Wong Tai Sin, “Mr. Wong” as my friend called him, the deity would assist in my healing and subsequent discovery of my soulmate.

How much was the offering? $200 Hong Kong ($25US). I asked my friend if this was a reasonable rate for an offering. She said yes. Not a bad investment, I thought, and paid up.

The soothsayer asked me to write my full name and date of birth on a piece of paper, then lit 3 incense sticks and gave them to me. He instructed me to stand, holding the sticks and bow 3 times toward a statue of Mr. Wong, praying for his help. I then put the sticks in a bowl of sand near the statue.

The fortune teller took my card-sized fortune paper and put it with my name/birthdate paper and said he would burn them. Since my fortune wasn’t positive he didn’t want me to take it with me. But the blessing and burning the paper would remove it from my future.

He made me promise to return with my soon-to-be-found sweetheart to thank Mr. Wong. I promised I would.

I left feeling more hopeful than I have in a while Let’s hope Mr. Wong will help me find Mr. Right.

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Do you want ideas on your search for your Mr. Right? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Most of us would be hurt and disappointed if our man cheated with another woman. We would feel betrayed.

But what if the object of our love’s attention wasn’t a woman — but his young grandchild?

We want to be supportive, as children can be magical. A grandparent’s relationship with their grandchild can be hugely important to both. But what if his affection towards his grandchildren overshadows his relationship with you?

When a man shares how important his grandkids are to him, I’m glad he has a good relationship with them. However, I’m a little cautious, as what if I’m not fond of them? What if he wants to spend all his (and much of our) time with them? Sometimes the kids are great; other times they are spoiled and no one sees it but me. That is not fun.

A gal pal shared that her 3-year relationship with a man she adored broke up because he wanted to be with his two small grandkids rather than travel extensively with her, as they’d done the last few years. She can’t be mad at him — of course his wanting to be with them at a tender age is understandable. But being childfree, she can only empathize intellectually. She’s fond of the kids, but doesn’t want to be with them 24/7 as he does.

She’s sad. Very sad. She still loves him, and he loves her, but they don’t now see a way around his wanting to see his little grands every day and her wanting to take extensive trips. Skype video chats between him and the kids doesn’t really do it, nor does it work well between him and her.

They are pulled in different life directions because of different priorities. Saying goodbye to the relationship they had is hard, even though they know they will still be connected, it won’t be the same.

Have you ever ended a relationship because of shifted life priorities? How did you make it as least painful as possible?

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Want to read how to end things maturely and with care? Download your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache

This week I’m off to Bali, then Singapore and Hong Kong. As usual when I travel, I will post anything I observe that relates to dating, but will also post observations I think might interest you.

Also, I’ve been invited to share my ideas with the UK’s leading expert on female breadwinners, Dr. Suzanne Doyle-Morris, in the webinar, “Finding and Dating Men Comfortable with a Female Breadwinner.” It should be a lively discussion!

Details

Dec. 12
12:00pm PST/3pm EST, 8pm GMT; 9pm CET
(If you can’t make it, you can watch the recording afterwards)
$47/£29

You can tell a lot about someone’s mindset by his word choice. How does he express his thoughts? By conscious, considerate language? Or disrespectful speech?

Perhaps I’m being nitpicky, but I believe how someone expresses him/herself reflects their attitudes toward others. I’m sensitive to whether someone invites or requests me to do something or commands (demands?) it from me.

In my exercise class, we have a routine to a song where the singer says, “Slide on over here, baby” entreating the woman to slide over on the couch to be next to him. Whenever I hear that, I think, “Why doesn’t he slide himself over to her?” He doesn’t say, “Would you slide on over here” or “Please slide on over here” or “I’d love to have you here next to me” — it’s a command, not a request. (Of course, part of the communication is via voice tone.)

I understand that in many people’s mind this could be considered a request. She wouldn’t slide over if she didn’t want to. He’s testing to see if she wants to cuddle up next to him, rather than him aggressively plunking himself next to her when she may not want that.

Let’s imagine that “Slide on over here, baby” is how the singer would phrase it in real life, without having to worry about song structure. If a man uses commands for requests, he’s seeing if he can get you to do what he wants without asking or inviting. If you do, he knows he has the upper hand.

Some men consider requests to be unmasculine. Asking seems so, well, wimpy. Couching an invitation in a command is much more manly, he thinks.

And some women like a man who “takes control.” They have a sub/dom relationship, even if it is non-aggressive. The women actually like a man who tells them what to do, and there are plenty of men who want a woman who will do what he tells her.

I’m not one of them. I bristle when a man tells makes too many commands when a request would be welcomed. I can tolerate an occasional one when it is for my safety or well being, but a regular diet of commands is off-putting.

Where are you on the command/request scale? Does it bother you or do you not mind? Are you more of a “teller” or “asking” when requesting behavior from another?

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What else should you look for in your special guy? Read more in In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Right or wrong, a popular belief about sharks is that they are always hungry; always on the hunt.

I’ve come across men who seem to have a similar unquenchable appetite — for sex.

They are always on the hunt for new sexual prey, but not to the point of being sexual predators. They seek consenting partners, not those taken by force.

How do they hunt? Often times online. They pose as nice guys, sometimes borrowing pictures from others, or posting their own decades-old ones. They sweet talk each unsuspecting woman to persuade her that he’s a great guy. He romances her quickly, saying all the things she’s yearned to hear. And he beds her.

Then he’s gone. He’s on the hunt for his next conquest.

These men could be married, living with someone, or have a girlfriend, who, of course, is unsuspecting. She believes he is working late or out with the guys. Little does she know he’s prowling online sites or bars for his next target.

I dated a man for five months who I later learned fell into the sex shark category. When I told him after the third date that I wasn’t ready to get intimate yet, he said he had other ways to get his needs met — I only later figured out he meant other women.

One time he was away for weeks for a family emergency, and when he returned he said he needed to clear his head by taking a solitary motorcycle trip — without seeing me before he left. Later I learned a former lover had been sending him naked pictures of herself while he was with his family, and she’d enticed him to visit her.

Another potential suitor shared that he could have sex with a different woman each night of the week, and he was enjoying it! He had no interest in being monogamous and enjoyed the hunt and conquest.

Other men actively pursued me who I later learned were married. When the cat was out of the bag, I asked why they were looking to cheat on their wives. “Sex” was the common response.

How do you know if you’re with a sex shark? I think it’s how you’d look for signs of any cheating. The challenge is if he’s slick, it may take you months or years to find out. Which is why you want to take it slow if sexual exclusivity is important to you.

Have you been with someone you learned was a sex shark? If so, what happened?
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Want to know other ways to determine if a guy is a keeper? Get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

At a recent closing conference luncheon, the next host country, China, provided beautiful scrolls with a different saying on each. There was no notation on the beautiful red box which saying was inside.

Several at my table unfurled theirs to have our Chinese table host read the calligraphy. “Happiness” read a few. “Long life” said the others, including mine. Thinking for a moment, I decided I didn’t want long life unless happiness accompanied it. I didn’t want to be miserable in old age.

So I unrolled the extra scroll at our table and hopefully held it for our host to read. “Long life” she announced. Drat!

I was determined, so I went to an empty table and began untying scrolls. I’d now learned how to tell the difference between the two messages. One after another read “long life.” I could have stopped, but I was searching for happiness!

I carefully retied each scroll as I continued my search. After a dozen or so, finally, happiness was found!
How does this apply to dating — and life?

I was clear on what I wanted and unwilling to compromise. I could have just walked away with long life and taken a philosophical stance that one makes one’s own happiness, no matter what. Sure. Sounds good.

But since I knew I wanted happiness and it was out there, I just needed to put a little effort into finding it. With a little diligence, I found it.

In dating, you can settle for less than you really want and convince yourself you will make it work. Or you can say, “I know what I want and am willing to keep searching until I find it.”

I will now hang both scrolls in my home as a reminder that I can have both, with clarity and persistence. And I hope my future partner realizes that I searched hard to find him to enjoy long life and happiness with him.

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Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Various studies have shown that few people see themselves as others see them. We tend to either overrate or underrate our attractiveness compared to others’ collective rating of us.

How is it that you can look in the mirror and say, “Looking good!” and others think you need help. I’ve recently decided our self-view is anything but reliable. A date snapped a pic of me in what I thought was a cute, flattering outfit. The pic he sent me didn’t reflect what I thought was my cuteness. “Maybe it was the angle or lighting,” I told myself. Maybe not.

Recently, I’ve been going through a crisis about my appearance. A few months ago, I had my professional portrait taken at a hefty expense. I liked the pics, as did many colleagues, friends and clients. People commented on how much they liked my hair, which, after decades of struggle, I’ve finally decided I like long and straight, but with a curl on the end. I’ve even had strangers stop me to tell me how beautiful my hair is. “Aha,” I thought, “I finally have a style that works!”

Then a few months ago, a dear friend said, “I’d love to see what they’d do for you on one of those make-over shows.” “What????!!!” I inwardly screamed. “She thinks I need a make over?” She added, “I’d love to see what they’d do with your hair so it is more flattering and less Morticia-like.”

Arrgh!

Then I sent some recent video footage to my video producer. He liked the content, but said, “You need  a new hair style. It looks outdated and matronly.” He even put his wife, a former hair stylist and makeup artist, on the phone to explain to me what she thought was the problem and how it could be fixed.

Arrgh again!

I worked to listen to each of these advisors, as I know they have my best interest at heart. They were not trying to be mean or hurtful. So I listened with that orientation.

The final straw came when I was having my hair and makeup done by a stylist at a talk I was giving. He didn’t know me, but I wanted an unbiased opinion. I told him what my video producer and friend had said, and he agreed that my hair could be more flattering.

While I generally believe in trusting one’s instincts and being true to yourself, sometimes you don’t do yourself any favors by insisting on sticking to something that you like but isn’t serving you well. So while I’ve gotten lots of compliments — something that didn’t happen until recently — I’ve decided to go for a change. I have an appointment with the hair stylist my image consultant recommended. I have my fingers crossed that she’ll do her magic.

The lesson for me is that I don’t think I have a good lens to see myself as others do. And I doubt many of us do.

Have you had trusted friends or advisers give you feedback that is counter to your own perception? If enough of them do, then put your own aside and take theirs. Our lens is skewed.

_________________

For helpful hair care tips, look at Wen for their many products.

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Get other ideas on how to make sure you’re putting your best self forward in Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch

We all have funny dating stories about our forays into the unpredictable world of dating. Often these are tales of dates gone bad.

What if you had to tell about your dating adventures with the criteria of making them positive and funny!

I gave myself that challenge a few weeks ago when I offered to be the opener for an evening of humor at a private fund raising event. I raised my hand when the organizer announced the event and said if anyone had a few minutes of funny stuff to let him know.

I’ve been wanting to perform at a local comedy club open mic, but the prospect of performing humor in front of strangers was a tad daunting. However, I knew I had some funny pieces so thought I could string together 7 or 8 minutes of funny dating stories. But we know that what we or our friends may laugh at or say is “killer” does not always translate into guffaws from strangers.

Working hard to pull out my best vignettes and funny lines, I crafted my piece. A former stand-up performer helped me with the beginning. A musical director friend helped me ditch parts that were flat.

I invested hours reworking the flow over and over until it seemed to stream well. That isn’t really too much of a concern in comedy as most sets appear to be stream of consciousness.

Limiting the stories to only positive or self-deprecating pieces made the task harder. My focus is to inspire and encourage midlife daters to explore other singles, not to think “all the good ones are taken.”

Rewriting, crafting and rehearsing the piece made me comfortable. Even still, I made crib notes in case I forgot what came next. I even reworked the ending hours before performance time.

Saturday was the event. The preparation paid off, as the audience not only laughed at all the expected places, but some unexpected ones. Now I have the confidence to try it at an open mic in front of — gulp — total strangers!

Who knows, maybe I’ll get a date out of it!
__________________

Want to see how you can have courage reentering the dating scene? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

Do you know how to feel sexy?

This seems like an odd question for someone in midlife. But an attractive, midlife woman came up to me after I gave a talk at an executive women’s event where she modeled in the fashion show.

“That was a very cute dress you modeled.” I shared when she came to shake my hand. “Are you going to buy it?”

“No, no. It’s not really me,” she responded.

“It was sexy on you showing your cute figure.”

“I just can’t see wearing it anywhere.”

“Really? Not on a date night with a special someone?”

“Funny you say that. I’m 47 and have been divorced for a few years and my 20-year-old daughter says I should start dating.”

“Do you feel ready?”

“I want to have someone special in my life, but I’m not sure I know how to be sexy. You see, I’m a financial analyst and sit with a bunch of nerdy guys all day. I’d never wear anything form-fitting to work.”

“It’s probably not appropriate to do so at work. But after work, get your bad self on!”

“I don’t really know how to do that.”

“If you bought that dress — and I have no relationship with those selling it — I bet you’d find a place to wear it. Maybe out for drinks with gal pals at first. Then when you start dating, it would be perfect for dinner with a great guy. But if you don’t have anything fun and flirty in your closet, it will be hard to get used to wearing something that shows off your assets.”

“I don’t mind showing my legs. But not my arms.”

“You’ve got great legs. And that dress was short enough to showcase them while still being age-appropriate. You don’t have to have bare arms if you don’t want to.”

“It’s a bit of a stretch to wear something sexy.”

“Stretching is good. It can’t be too much or you’ll never wear the dress. But a little stretching is a great way to grow.”

“Thanks. I think I’ll get the dress and find a place to wear it.”

“You go girl! Get your bad self on!”

What do you know you could do to stretch yourself to be and feel a bit sexier? Tell us your stretch goal.
______________________

Not sure how to best spotlight your best attributes? Get Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

Saturday night’s interview with KGO radio’s outspoken Karel was fun. We talked about issues like Karel’s Third Date Rule, which is his opinion that you need to sleep with a suitor by the third date in order to see if you’re sexually compatible and should continue seeing each other or not.

Since Karel’s husband died 10 years ago, he wanted my opinion on if widows and widowers are less likely to want to date again if they had a wonderful relationship cut short.

We also discussed online dating, rejection and whatever other topics crossed Karel’s mind. Listen to the recording.

Tune in Sat., Sept. 17 at 9:07 p.m. PST to hear me interviewed by Karel on KGO radio. Should be fun!

I believe that part of being successful in midlife dating is stretching one’s comfort zone. By doing activities you normally wouldn’t do, you gain more confidence and explore if you’d like to do that activity again.

This is the attitude that drew me to participate in a flash mob dance. My Jazzercise instructor was joining with another instructor who had planned to do a routine in the middle of a popular shopping mall. If we wanted to participate, his email said, he’d teach us the moves in the Sat. morning class before the flash mob two hours later.

I made sure I made it to class to learn the routine. It was to Lady Gaga’s “I was born this way.” Although the steps were pretty pedestrian, there were a few tricky spots so I appreciated that he went through it a few times.

Arriving early, I saw a few classmates and wasn’t sure if I should say hello. Part of the intrigue of a flash mob is the seeming spontaneity of it. But I approached a pair and introduced myself. Soon our instructor arrived and the organizer.

We waited impatiently for the other instructor to start the music. She eventually did, starting the boom box hidden in a baby carriage.

The 4-minute routine went by quickly. I was conscious when I screwed up as there were lots of cameras capturing our antics.

All in all, I’m glad I did it. It got me to push my limits and self-consciousness of dancing in public.

What can you do in the next week to expand your limits? It may help you in your dating life as well.

While most women appreciate attention and a man expressing his interest, sometimes there can be too much too soon. Then it feels smothering or borderline stalking.

This week a new man contacted me from a dating site. He met the minimum requirements and seemed interesting, although he’s geographically undesirable. But I was intrigued enough to respond.

Quickly he sent me a long missive detailing more of his life than I really needed or cared to know at this point. He asked questions, some of which I choose not to answer because it would have taken too long to type. He offered his phone number and said he’d gladly call me if I preferred.

The next day I responded with my number, telling him I was traveling and would be available after 8 p.m. the next day. So imagine my surprise when he called the same day during a layover between flights. I had things to do during this time, so I was a little annoyed he didn’t wait until I’d said I’d be available, nor did he ask if this was a good time to chat.

I was polite, but quickly excused myself telling him I had to get some things done in the terminal before my next flight.

He gave me the link to his Internet sports radio show and asked me to listen to a few of the previous shows. I listened to one, and was put off by his profanity and anger-laced commentary.

When I got home, I was exhausted and went to bed. He called and woke me up. I let it go to voice mail. When I listened to it the next day, he said he’d hoped I’d gotten home safely.

When I checked my email, there was a press release from him ranting about some current sports issue. I skimmed the release and saw it had the same angry tone as his radio show. While I appreciate passion for one’s work, when that crosses the line into anger, it’s unappealing.

This man seems needy and desperate. I’m not interested in getting involved with someone with anger issues and no healthy sense of appropriateness or boundaries. This one will have to shower his attention on someone with more patience or interest.

Have you had someone put a full-court press on you? How did you let him know it was too much too fast?

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Download your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache

A good pal was telling me about a middle-aged, tall, athletic, single lawyer friend of his. I said, “He sounds like someone I’d like.”

My friend responded, “I don’t think it would be a good match. He likes to wear the pants in the relationship.”

I was taken aback.

Responding as non-defensively as I could muster, I said, “I like a man to wear the pants, too. I’m not interested in a subordinate or timid man. I want an equal partner, not someone who dominates nor subordinates himself.”

I wondered if this was a common assumption strong women face. Their friends think because they are assertive, accomplished and ambitious, she wants to dominate the relationship. I know some women do. But not all.

No wonder it can be difficult for powerful women to be set up by their friends. If their pals think they only want submissive men and the friends only know powerful men, they won’t think the two could be a match. How sad.

I know I assume that my friends know me well enough to know I don’t have to always be the alpha. But clearly that isn’t the case. So what’s a formidable gal to do?

It seems a frank conversation is called for, explaining to one’s friends what you are looking for. Not only the superficial trappings (has a job, good dresser, well groomed, smart, mannerly, at least 6′ tall), but the personality traits as well. It’s always good to describe the values you want to share, although friends may have no idea if someone is a cheater, closet alcoholic, or privately verbally abusive.

Have you experienced your friends assuming you’d like — or not like — a certain type of man and they are wrong? How’d you set them straight?

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Want to be clear on what you want in your next partner? Download your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Bev asks:

“How does a woman over 50 whose divorce settlement made her a millionaire + handle dating when most men will not have anywhere near her net worth?”

First, since divorces can be devastating financially for both parties, it’s great you came out with a nice sum.

And it’s true that many people experienced financial setbacks following divorce, the recent down economy also created serious financial problems for even previously successful folks. So while not every potential suitor may have experienced financial losses, many will have.

So my first suggestion is to ward off opportunists by not letting on at all about your financial situation for many, many months into dating someone exclusively. While there are many, many good, honest, upstanding men in the dating pool, I’ve heard enough stories of scam artists to be cautious.

Take some extra precautions, like not wearing flashy jewelry, nor talking about expensive vacations or your high-end neighborhood. Look objectively at items or conversational topics that you think are common among your friends that would telegraph wealth. Then eliminate those from your first handful of dates with a man. Switch from your Coach purse to an off brand. Instead of St. John knits, wear something more pedestrian.

A well-off friend purposefully drives his Echo instead of his convertible Mercedes for the first few dates with a woman. If she comments on his crummy car he stops seeing her. He says he’s found that his Mercedes attracts more gold diggers and he just doesn’t want to waste his time.

You want a man who will fall for you, not your nest egg.

If it doesn’t appear he has the resources to treat for dinners and experiences you enjoy, after some months you can offer to have him as your guest. But not at first. Let him pick the restaurant that is comfortable for his budget. You can have a lot of fun doing low-cost activities.

You have to decide at some point if you’d be happy with someone who can’t afford the same lifestyle as you can, or if you’d be okay with paying his part to join you. Generally, mentally healthy men like to be able to provide or at least carry their own weight financially. It will usually gnaw on a man when he is continually financially unable to keep up with his woman and it can destroy the relationship.

Readers, what advice would you give Bev?

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What to know more about what to consider when beginning to date again? Download your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping

My mother would refer to a single, traveling ladies’ man as someone who “had a girl in every port.” Just like many of the sailors she knew as a young woman.

Now, as a traveling woman yet to find a local man I want to date regularly, I’m finding I have gentlemen in various parts of the country. I saw a favorite for a drink in his local airport hotel bar during a 2-hour layover yesterday.

Another picked me up from his nearby airport, took me for a drink and delivered me to my hotel. One took me to dinner and dancing near his home base. Another fetched me from an out-of-town client engagement and drove me to my friend’s home 5 hours away. We had a fun time during the journey getting to know each other better than we had on the phone.

While I’m not an advocate of getting in the car of a man I haven’t met, I’d been talking to each of these guys for a while. So even though I yearn for a local man to enjoy local events, if a geographically undesirable man is interesting enough, I’ll accept his invitation to get together if I know I’ll be in his area.

I’m careful to set boundaries and not lead him to think that I’m looking for a 1-night stand, nor is our distance-challenged situation optimal. I’ve tried long-distance relationships and I find that visiting each other every few weeks just doesn’t let us get to know each other in the way I want.

Am I as guilty of being a “player” like the sailors my mother referenced? Since I’m honest and transparent, I don’t feel I’m being duplicitous. If we both enjoy each other’s company and don’t try to take advantage of the other, then there’s no harm. Hurt happens when one begins to have more feelings than the other, but that can happen in any relationship, whether local or not.

Have you tried meeting singles out of your area? Tell us any lessons you learned.

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Want to know how to ethically date several people at once? Get your copy of Multidating Responsibly: Play the Field Without Being A Player.

At my professional association conference last week I got a lot of attention. I was very visible in a number of sessions, so had a lot of people acknowledge my contributions. In one session, I made a joke about looking for dance partners for the gala.

About a dozen men came up to me afterward saying they wanted a slot on my dance card. I smiled and agreed.

I moseyed into the ballroom after the DJ began and looked for my pre-determined dance partners. One grabbed me and escorted me to the floor. We had a fun couple of dances. I noticed others stationed near the floor’s edge.

Another spun me for a few songs. Turns out — unbeknownst to me — that he’d been on his country’s Dancing with the Stars! No wonder he was a good dancer!

But that was it. Many of the others who had requested dances didn’t make it into the ballroom — obviously something else distracted them. But I’m curious about those who were close enough to the dance floor to see that I was available. Were they just being nice to ask beforehand for a dance?

It makes me ponder — once again — about curious male behavior. I know women tend to over think things like this, but it’s indicative of so much about dating. Men show interest then don’t follow through.

Conceivably these guys got involved with others with whom they were chatting, or maybe they thought I was otherwise engaged with those who’d taken me to the dance floor. Or maybe they didn’t like the way I danced! Who knows?

Of course, I could have reminded them they were on my dance card, but that felt a bit desperate. If I was really hankering for a dance, I could have done that. But I don’t  relish hunting down men who’ve shown interest but don’t deliver.

I wanted to share this story for other women who end up scratching their heads wondering why men show interest, then disappear. Bottom line: Don’t take it personally. They got distracted by something and so don’t wait for them to come around. Just keep dancing.

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Want examples of other head-scratching behaviors? Get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors.

Karen writes: “I am afraid I am too assertive. I start taking the lead when the man won’t or doesn’t. I see simple solutions (where and when to meet) and make suggestions. Is this really a bad thing?”

DG responds: If you are a dominatrix, you have stuck gold by finding many submissive men!

Not that there’s anything wrong with that if that’s what your into. I have now learned that “goddess” is a very popular term in the dom/sub world — but unfortunately that’s not what floats my boat. But I’ve had many, many men assume this is the case and have eagerly sought me out — but not too eagerly as that would mean they weren’t a sub!

But it doesn’t sound like that’s what you want. I have experienced your situation as well. If you want an assertive man, not a passive one, then yes, your initiating will be a problem. I found in my marriage I did 95% of the initiating of anything and it got tiresome.

So now in dating, when a man flirts, he has to initiate: “Shall we get together.” To which I’ve learned to respond, “I’d like that very much.” If he does nothing from that, I know he’s not that interested. If he says, “Great. Shall we have lunch or coffee?” I say, “I’d prefer coffee.” He has to suggest dates, times, places. I don’t want to sound evasive — in fact I want to sound encouraging! If I have to initiate closing the deal, I know he’s not very demonstrative (and I need a strong man or I’ll run all over him and be frustrated) and I let him go.

Karen: Do I offer to pay/split or not?

DG: Generally, men like to show they are a good provider, especially midlife men, and they will want to pick up the check, sometimes even if they have no interest in seeing you again.

This is one of the reasons I agree to only coffee for the first date. If we are ordering at the same time (meaning he didn’t get there first and order his while waiting for me), I always reach for my wallet. Ninety-five percent of the time, the man will say, “I’ve got this,” to which I smile and say, “Thank you.” If he’s already ordered, he will typically say, “What can I get you?” He’s being the host.

If we’d hit it off really well on the phone and I’m seduced into lunch with him for the first encounter (NEVER DINNER!!!), when the check comes, I again reach for my wallet. I’ll usually say, “How would you like to handle this?” Nearly all the time he’ll say, “I’ve got it.” If he says, “Let’s split it” it means he isn’t attracted to you. No problem. Pay up and be on your way. Don’t look for a kiss goodbye!

I’ve learned men like — really like — that you offered, but didn’t insist on splitting it. They feel emasculated if you insist when they’ve offered to treat. They get a little thrill out of treating; it makes them feel more manly. Don’t steal that from them by insisting on splitting the check.

After you’ve gone out a few times, then you can offer to take him to your favorite place, cook for him, pack a picnic, etc.

(Warning: I’ve learned many men interpret an invitation to your house as really an invitation for sex. One man showed up with his shaving kit on our second date when I’d invited him for dinner! If you’re not ready for that to happen, don’t invite him to your house — even for lunch! Or make sure there’s another couple and they agree to not leave until he has. Maybe I’ve just had too many who make this assumption, but now I don’t invite men to my house for a while. And there are definitely no sleep overs until I’ve visited his home at least once.)

Karen: Do I offer to drive to where he is or meet 1/2 way?  I often date outside my small town.

DG: If he’s interested, he’ll offer to make the drive to you. However, he may accept your offer to meet him half way. Don’t offer to drive to his city/town. If he says, “Let me know when you’re in my town” he has no interest in you, unless he has no car.

Men like to take care of women and doing the bulk of the driving is one way of doing that. However, if you’re an hour away he will appreciate your even offering to split the driving chore. On subsequent dates, you may offer to take turns, but let him drive to you (or meet half way) for the first few encounters.

Karen: I really have a problem with not sharing the burden of dating.  I’ll work on it.

When you realize men perceive this as taking something away from them, it gets easier to accept their overtures. They like to “win you over” and woo you. Let them!

Read “Are you open to receiving.”

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Want to know more about how midlife men think? Then download your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors. http://www.datinggoddess.com/new-books-by-dating-goddess/embracing-midlife-men-insights-into-curious-behaviors/

When we are younger, with our lives yet to be determined, we can fall in love with someone’s potential, not who they are at the moment. I know I have.

A pal wrote today, “I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a woman, rather than with the woman herself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the woman to ascend to her own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

Which makes me wonder: Are we just seeing them as we think they can be? Or are we projecting our desires onto them when they have no inclination to become what we see?

When we see them as “bigger” (more successful, fulfilling a future we see they can have), are we tapping into the best we see for them? This can be empowering (“I believe in you, baby,” “I know you can do it”) or demeaning (“I know you didn’t do your best,” “If you only did what I suggested you’d be more successful”).

But if our beloved doesn’t share our vision for him and has no desire for what we think is possible for him, both become unhappy. You are constantly disappointed by his lack of progress toward what you see as his greatness, and he feels a constant environment of disapproval and failure.

At this point in our lives, most of us have achieved something — yet not all that we imagined for ourselves. So seeing your sweetheart’s potential can be a marvelous gift to someone who may feel they are treading water toward retirement but had hoped to accomplish more. They’ve just become burnt out at how hard it has been to accomplish what they desired. Some people have abandoned their dreams and a cheerleader may be just what they need.

However, if your snookems is content to glide by at their current state and not aspire to more, your prodding him to reach his potential will be irksome.

When starting to date someone, I think it’s important within the first few months to discuss each of your visions for the future as well as dreams. If you are an achiever who believes in constantly improving and striving, you’re probably not going to be happy with someone who sees no need to change the status quo.

It can be sad to realize you see someone’s greater potential and your sweetie doesn’t see himself similarly. But if this is important to you, best to move on as otherwise you’ll be doomed for decades of disappointment.

I guess it shouldn’t be “love is blind” but perhaps “love sees the other as they may never see themselves.”

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Want more information on determining the characteristics you want in a man? Get In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne.

I have two 23-year-old women in my life who are both in bad relationships. This is not only my perspective, but they, themselves, often complain about their partners. Their mothers and sisters agree (the fathers aren’t around).

However, their partners know just what to say/do after a blow up to keep my friends around. Each of the women’s partners are immature, self-absorbed, manipulative, and lazy, leaning on each woman to supplement their meager income. There is some verbal abuse. When between jobs, instead of earnestly looking, they are distracted by video games, TV and goofing off.

And the cycle continues.

Having three decades on them, I can see the signs of a bad relationship not getting better. But whenever someone suggests each woman is being manipulated and can do much better, she gets defensive, standing up for her partner. We are concerned that they may get pregnant or elope which will make thing so much worse.

It made me think that we — you and I — could come up with some sage advice to pass on to our next generation. What lessons would the midlife you pass on to the twentysomething you if you could? What would you tell a much-younger you about critical signs for a good relationship and red flags? Since you are now much savvier, what wisdom would you impart?

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For information on how midlifers can navigate dating relationship storms, download your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed

A friend shared that she was too naive after her decades-long marriage ended. She was clueless about not only how to be with men other than her now-ex-husband, but about how she could be harmed while she learned.

Soon after her divorce, she started dating a successful man and they had regular make-out sessions. One day, he said he had a cold sore on his lip. Her mother had always referred to canker sores as cold sores, so she didn’t know the difference or think anything about it.

A few weeks later, she got a cold and was constantly blowing her nose. She felt an odd tingling under her nose which blistered and festered. She’d never had anything like this so had no idea what it was. But she was too busy to go to the doctor, so she covered it the best she could with makeup.

Months later it happened again. It seemed to be related to colds, so she finally asked her doctor. She was horrified to learn it was herpes simplex virus. While the doctor said 50%-80% of adults carry the virus, many never get the sores. So she could have already had the virus in her system — or she could have received it from her then-beau.

I’ve heard many midlife daters say they don’t use condoms because they trust their partner. They don’t insist on an STD test before going condom-free. Some say, “I’m not dating a drug addict.” But today I heard a report that said 25% of those infected with HIV don’t know it.

So am I saying no kissing while dating? Kissing is a fun part of dating. But my friend has now vowed to slow down physical contact that can carry surprises. While you can insist on having STD tests before getting intimate, it would be awkward to ask if your date ever gets cold sores.

If cold sores aren’t part of your history, investigate what to look for in an outbreak in others so you can make sure to not touch the infected area. And the virus can become genital herpes through physical contact, so no matter how tempting, best to lay off any kissing or intimacy while one of you has an outbreak.

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Want to know more about things you may not have known to ask? Download your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed

Deb writes:

“I have had 4 dates with one man and I find him very interesting, funny, smart and a gentleman. How do I tell if he is really interested in me? I have read books and everything says to play a game, acting like you are not interested and he will come after you. I want an honest, open and upfront relationship. Do I tell him that I like him and flat out ask if he feels the same. Or do I go with the game of acting like I am not interested?”

Ah, Deb. The age-old question of, “Do I turn him off if I show I’m interested, or pretend to be aloof and coy in the hopes of enticing him?”

This conundrum has plagued women for decades (nay, centuries?).

First, I’m never for playing games. I, like you, prefer to be straightforward. That said, timing and word choice are everything. If you ask “Are you interested in me long term?” in the first few dates, you’ll sound needy and inappropriate.

I think the key is not what is *said* but what is done. Even if he answered, “Yes, I’m interested in you long term” then did little to show his interest, his actions (or inactions) create confusion and frustration, but really show his interest level. So it’s almost a moot point what you ask or what he says. You look for the actions that show he cares.

Caveat: In “Signs of endearment — or just habits?” I discuss how I misinterpreted what I thought were signs of caring, when really they were just my then-beaus habits around any woman. So actions nor words on their own are beacons into his thoughts and heart.

So my advice is to continue to show interest in him, accept his invitations, smile and laugh, but go slow. Look for the signs that says he’s interested in you beyond a quick fling. His introducing you to his friends and family is a solid sign, but it’s not the only thing to look for.

In other words, don’t broach the “Do you like me?” conversation. Keep it light and fun. When he brings it up, it will be more likely he wants to get more serious.

Readers, what do you think about Deb’s situation?
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Want more info on whether to continue dating someone? Download your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

A recent conversation with a guy pal was startling.

He’s a smart, goal-oriented, ethical, solid-morals, middle-class guy. So I assume he hangs out with other like-minded folks. But apparently not so much.

He shared that every one of his friends has “something on the side.” Meaning whether married or in a relationship, all of them have either a go-to booty call provider or a regular mistress/lover on the side.

I was so dumfounded I didn’t have the presence of mind to probe for more details. So I don’t know if it is true for both men and women, married and those in relationship but not married, only true for long-time relationships, or what.

So we have to make some assumptions until I get more data. We have to assume that, based on his blanket comment, that this is true for both genders, across socio-economic strata for all races in his circle of friends.

Wow.

If his social circle is an indication of much of America, it is depressing. If so, politicians and celebrities aren’t the only ones who take license with the concepts of commitment and fidelity. What is commonly believed to be an affliction of those with power has now filtered down to those with the inclination to cheat, no matter what their social status.

It is not news that people from all parts of society cheat. What was shocking to me is this man’s observation that so many do so. He said all of his friends, not just a few.

What are the implications for us midlife daters?

If we are constantly suspicious, it kills the relationship. But if we’re naive, we can get taken advantage of, as well as possibly be inflicted with deadly diseases.

Does this mean that if you’re becoming serious with someone you should hire an investigator? Some do. Seems a bit overkill unless you have some evidence.

Generally, I suggest people proceed slowly. It helps you note the person’s modus operandi. If after a few weeks, you notice he only pays in cash, only wants to come to your house, whenever you call in the evening, he says he has to call you back, these are some indications there’s another woman involved.

In fact, I suggest you don’t get serious until you’ve been to his house at least a few times. Get a little snoopy. Look in the bathroom cabinets. Are there lady products and he doesn’t share the bath with a daughter? He may shrug them off as leftovers from his last sweetheart. But just notice quantities and if some have been used when you come back.

Am I encouraging you to automatically be suspicious? A little. I’ve been taken in by cheaters and in retrospect, I could have been more astute, thus protecting my heart and my health.

The key, I believe, is to be open but cautious. Don’t accuse him of anything you don’t have solid evidence of. But also don’t believe lame explanations because you are smitten. Protect your heart.

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Want more of what to look for? Get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates

Since my divorce, I’ve had a fear of dance classes. Not because I’m concerned about following the steps — I’m reasonably adept at that. But it’s for another reason — something that I think might plague other accomplished women.

It might be something that you struggle with yourself.

I’m concerned that I won’t be able to follow a man’s lead.

For 20 years, I slow-danced with one man — my husband. I knew his moves. He wasn’t a strong leader (in anything, really), but I learned his steps and could follow along quite nicely.

Post divorce, I slow-danced with only a few beaus, and rarely in public. They held me so closely, it was impossible not to sway with them.

But dance class — in the arms of a strange man, doing a dance with specific steps I was supposed to follow. Oy vey! It was so scary, I stayed away from any dancing that would require being in a hold.

This was magnified exponentially when I had the melt down on the dance floor with the astronaut a few months ago. When this man I had just met pulled me close on our first (and only) dance, I froze. I didn’t move when he tried to move me. My statue-like state caused him to count the beat in my ear. I was humiliated.

So a few weeks ago I decided I needed to break through this barrier. I screwed up my courage and attended a salsa dance class, having convinced a gal pal to accompany me for moral support.

The instructor had the women rotate partners, so I danced with 8 men several times. Most of them were weak leads, but I fought the urge to take over. I survived — and even enjoyed it. But how would I be with a man who knew how to lead? Would I be able to follow even when they weren’t leading? Passivity wasn’t a strong suit.

This weekend, I got to experiment again, attending the  second class. This time, there were only 3 students — all women — so we got to take turns dancing with the three instructors.

Commenting on what I thought was a normal hand hold in our first turn together, the primary instructor, Frank, said, “I’d hate to meet you in a back alley — you’re strong.” It didn’t seem like a compliment. In our second turn, I thought I was following nicely when he said “You have to let the man lead. If you don’t, he feels emasculated.” I wasn’t appreciating his editorializing. Just tell me what I need to do to dance well, don’t lecture to me.

It fed into my insecurities about not knowing how to follow. So much so, I checked out the impressions with a younger, strong-leading instructor with whom I’d danced. He said I followed just fine.

What’s your experience with learning to follow? Do you have any issues with it or do you just naturally follow a man’s dance lead? Have you gained any insights if you had to learn this behavior?

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Want to  know more about what you’ll encounter when starting to date again? Download your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping

He’s got a comb over, beer belly, and has donned a wrinkled shirt. Yet he thinks he’s James Bond. George Clooney. God’s gift to women.

Why?

Because he gets a lot of attention from ladies. Especially over-40 single women.

Why?

Because there are more midlife single women than men over 40. Women in that age group have learned to go after what they want. And they want a man. Even the men described above.

Why?

These women have held out for the man of their dreams and been disappointed that the one(s) they thought was close, turned out to be a cheater, a ne’er-do-well, or emotionally unavailable. So they’ve lowered their expectations. Now they just want a man who will treat them nicely.

Average-looking single men have recounted how women throw themselves at them. The women make overt sexual advances on the first date. The men are inundated with women inviting them over for dinner and a little something-something for dessert. The man feels he’s got mojo oozing out his pores.

Author Bernard Salt calls this “hotness delusion syndrome.” While women can suffer from it as well, it seems particularly pronounced in middle-aged men who’ve stuck their toe — or more — in the dating pool. They feel they are not only in the candy shop, but immersed in a vat of delicious morsels — they can’t wait to try the next one. There’s an unending supply to quench their desires.

So what to do when you encounter one of these delusional ones? Generally, I’d say run in the other direction. It’s unlikely he’s going to be ready for the reality of the work and compromise a real relationship takes. If the relationship takes any tweaking (as relationships do), he’s gone as he can always get someone new in a flash.

However, if you feel you want to stick it out, you’ll have to feed that delusion and reinforce his perceived hotness. If you tell him the truth — that his ear hairs need trimmed, or he needs to lose 30 pounds, or he should buy iron-free shirts — he’ll be dejected and you’ll be rejected.

So if he’s self-aware enough to know that his hotness is unusual and unexpected, he’s a keeper. As long as he doesn’t begin to believe that he should only be dating Jennifer Aniston.
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Want to understand more about midlife men? Download your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors

Salsa — a spicy dip and a spicy dance. My latest experience is with the latter.

Dr. Philling myself, I asked how online dating was working for me. I’ve met some interesting men and gathered a few sweethearts from the experience, but know there are other options. Yet, being situationally introverted, I’m not great about getting myself to in-person singles events.

Like many midlife daters, I want to maximize my ability to meet intriguing singles. So I’ve been pep-talking myself into more in-person activities. Doubting I’ll meet anyone in my 99% all-women Jazzercise classes, I’ve expanded my reach — and my comfort zone.

So this weekend I convinced a gal pal to accompany me to a salsa dance class. Arriving 10 minutes before class time we were surprised we were the only ones there. “Cool,” we muttered to each other, “abundant attention from the male instructor.” Then three men swept in — we were surprised we were now in the minority.

Eventually, there were 8 couples including one other male instructor who patiently muttered the steps as each woman took turns in his arms. The instructor did a great job of having us change partners every few minutes so we got to practice not stepping on each other’s toes with multiple novices.

The instructor, a mid-life, pot-bellied man with a comb over was surprisingly sensual when he got his hips going. If men knew how alluring a good dancer is, I think more would take up ballroom dancing.

Even though I had lessons many years ago, I knew it would be best to start from scratch. So when the instructor asked about our experience, I said to assume I knew nothing. I was then pleased when he singled me out to compliment my turns.

Did I meet anyone I thought I’d want to date? No. But I did feel comfortable in the environment which made me want to return. After a few more lessons, I’d feel comfortable attending one of their salsa dance parties and expanding my social circle.

The experience reminded me of the process of dating. At first it feels awkward and uncomfortable. But with a little guidance and practice, you feel more secure. Within a short amount of time, you’re ready for more and looking forward to new experiences.

What have you tried that is like dating — you’re timid at first but then quickly get comfortable?

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Want more ideas of what to expect as you begin to date again? Get your autographed or electronic copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

It’s a bit awkward when someone you’re newly getting to know invites you to a casual family event and you end up hitting it off with his family much more than you do with him!

This happened to me this weekend. My new activity partner (AP) and I had agreed to see a movie. He called at noon to see if I’d like to have a bite to eat beforehand. “Sure” I responded. Then he added, “We’ll go to my brother’s for a BBQ, then we can go to the movie.”

“Hmmm” I thought. “We’re only activity partners, not really dating, and we’ve only seen each other 3 times before. It’s kinda early to be meeting his family. But what the heck, maybe it’s a party and I’m his plus one.”

It was not a party. It was just the four of us.

I hit it off immediately with his brother and sister-in-law. Especially the brother. He was tall, good looking, smart, funny and closer to my age and temperament than my activity partner. But he was married. How I wished he wasn’t — I’d be flirting up a storm.

His sister-in-law was sweet. But the contrast between the two of them and my AP was jarring. He is a sweet man, but he repeats himself and only talks about what he did on his job — from which he retired 8 years ago.

By the end of the afternoon, I restrained myself from suggesting we all go to a movie together. Asking for a second “date” seemed presumptive. So we’ll see if my AP comes up with this on his own.

Have you experienced liking your date’s friends or family better than him? Tell us your story.
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Are there signs you should move a man into the activity partner or friend zone? Find out in Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

Yee-haw!

Country Western dancing. Let’s go!

This was my feeling as I decided to try something new, a bit out of my comfort zone, in my quest to experiment with meeting available men in the “natural” way. Common advice from dating experts is to take a class in something that interests you. So I thought I’d give it a try.

Since I know no Country Western dances, my gal pal — also known as my courage crutch — and I knew we needed to show up for the lessons an hour before the club’s normal hours.

When we arrived, a line-dance lesson was in full swing. We hopped right in. Although the instructor wasn’t as thorough as my Jazzercise instructor, I followed along reasonably well, messing up less and less as the lesson progressed. My gal pal, however, bailed about half way through and sat down.

Our problem began when the next dance was a couples two-step. All those interested in learning gathered on the dance floor. The men picked a partner. Just like in high school, no one picked either of us. Feeling a bit rejected, we sat down rather than two-step alone. We watched in interest as the lesson progressed, sure we could have picked up the reasonably simple steps.

The lesson over, open dancing began. We realized we were like new-born calves in a sea of mature cows and bulls. Nearly all the dancers knew the intricate patterns to the music. We realized we’d look like innocent rodeo lambs released from the gate, with only a few seconds before we were writhing under a cowboy’s powerful ropes, squealing forlornly. We didn’t want feign we knew what we were doing — although admittedly we were used to doing that since we were both consultants.

So we settled for marveling at the smooth, energetic moves of the elderly man twirling several 20-something girls. We were enthralled by the several dozen various-shaped bodies all moving to their own style. And we stealthily hid from any potential partner’s gaze as the single men hunted for available women. We knew we were not ready to be hauled around the dance floor by someone who actually knew what he was doing.

At the band’s first break, we decided it was time for us to head back to our barns. We could be satisfied that we’d tried a new pasture and we’d survived with our dignities in tact.
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If you haven’t already downloaded your free copy of You’ve Got to Kiss a Lot of … Princes!, do so by filling in your email box on the top right of http://www.DatingGoddess.com.

While munching sushi and margaritas, the sweet, 62-year-old widower shared his concern as we discussed dating. His wife of 3 decades had died 18 months ago and he was dipping into the dating pool.

What he found was a lot of aggressive, sexually hungry women. He was dumfounded that they tried to seduce him on the first date. He was not happy about this.

One woman invited him to her house for their first date. When he arrived, she’d laid out various battery-operated toys for him to choose. He was stunned. Not completely understanding what was expected from him, he allowed her to explain each one before he high-tailed it home.

“Is this what women expect now? A roll in the hay on the first date? I haven’t been intimate with a woman in a while. I don’t even know if my equipment still works!”

I felt sorry for the dear man. This was only one of a number of encounters where women tried to seduce him on the first encounter. “I need to feel something for a woman before I jump into bed with her. I’ve never been into casual sex. If this is the expectation, I’m not cut out for this.”

On one hand, I was sad that he had to encounter such uncouth women. On the other hand, I was glad to hear it wasn’t just women who encountered inappropriate, lecherous people in the dating pool.

Also, I thought it was brave of him to show his vulnerability to me exposing his uncertainty about sex. It was a refreshing change from the many men who boasted of their sexual prowess, often even before we met.

I assured him that there are many classy women who also want to wait until they have an emotional connection before getting intimate. I told him he will learn to weed out the inappropriate ones through more probing on the phone so he’ll improve his ratio of appropriate to inappropriate meetings. I shared that I am still not perfect at that vetting, but I am much, much better than in the beginning.

For those who’ve not dated in decades, the modern dating scene can be quite a shock. It is surprising what people tell or ask you, sometimes before you’ve even met. The assumptions and behaviors of some can be abhorrent. You can get scared and angry. Or you can realize that your assumptions that people are thoughtful, classy and appropriate are too generous, based on your own circle of friends.

However, there are good, honest, thoughtful, generous people in the dating pool. We just have to hone our skills to find them.
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Want to know more about what to expect when you enter the world of midlife dating? Get your copy now of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool.

His online profile mentioned that he loved sex, something that is usually a yellow flag as it says the man doesn’t have much of an appropriateness filter. But other things he shared made me give him some slack.

Half an hour into our first phone call, he said he “loved, loved, loved sex.” He suggested our first date be at his house to watch a move and if I wanted, stay over. I said I wasn’t comfortable going to a strange man’s house on the first date. I should have called it quits then, but I’d enjoyed most other aspects of our conversation.

Before we met, during our second call, he mentioned the previous Saturday night he was with a woman he used to date from Match.com. “I ended up staying the night” he shared. He now wanted to get together with me.

It was clear his attitude about sex was different than mine. He obviously felt no need or desire to be exclusive with someone with whom he was having sex, since he was trying to set up a date with me.

He asked if I wanted to get together. While I appreciated his candor, I didn’t want to get involved with someone who I felt I’d be fighting off throughout the evening because he clearly was only interested in one thing. And if we were to start seeing each other, I couldn’t trust that if we became intimate he’d be exclusive.

Is casual sex bad? Not between two people who have the same goals, are open about them and are responsible. But it’s not for me.

So I was grateful he laid out his hand so clearly and so soon. It saved me a lot of time and headache.

Have you gone out with someone who clearly wanted only casual sex when you wanted more? If so, how did you deal with it?
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Want to understand more about how different sexual expectations affect dating relationships? Get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

I was listening to my friend Mike Robbins speak to a group about his newest book on authenticity, Be Yourself. Everyone Else is Already Taken: Transform Your Life with the Power of Authenticity. He’d asked the audience a few questions about what value authenticity has in our lives and then he asked why being authentic was so hard.

Several people shared that being authentic meant being vulnerable which wasn’t always optimal, especially in business. There was much agreement that one should be their authentic self, no matter what. Phoniness was not compelling.

I raised my hand and said, “I struggle with strategic phoniness. For example, if I’d shown up for this event without makeup or Spanx, you wouldn’t have wanted to be around me. My authentic self wears neither, but it doesn’t represent the me I want you to know. So when is strategic phoniness acceptable?”

A lively discussion ensued about how looking one’s best wasn’t really phony.

It made me think about dating. We want to put our best selves forward, but where is the line between presenting ourselves in the best possible light and being inauthentic? We think certain elements of our personality are unattractive so we should keep those hidden until we know someone better and feel they won’t reject us for those.

However, a common complaint in dating is that someone didn’t turn out as they represented themselves. He appeared successful, wearing expensive clothes or spending lavishly on dates. Only when you were hooked emotionally to him, did you learn he was deep in debt.

Or he snuggled up next to you during your favorite TV shows or sports, seemingly engaged, but once you are committed (or married!) he shows no interest whatsoever. The new wife of my cousin confided that when they were dating, they would work out together 5 times a week. Now that they are married, she can’t get him to the gym.

Or when dating, they’d have sex regularly. Both seemed to really enjoy it. Now that they are living together, you can count on one hand the number of intimate times they share each month.

So where’s the line between wanting to seem like a good sport and participate in your sweetie’s activities, and when you’re being inauthentic? You fear that if you are truly authentic (“No, I don’t want to hang out with your bratty grandkids this weekend”), you won’t find anyone to date. However, when is “going along” and “being a good sport” turn into pretending something that isn’t true for you?
What’s your take on the distinction between authenticity and strategic phoniness? Have you been disappointed when someone you thought was authentic turned out to be different?

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How do you determine if he’s being authentic or a poser? Get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

“You’ll never meet another guy like me” he said confidently during our first phone call.

I refrained from saying “Duh. Everyone’s unique,” but I decided it would be better to play along. I wanted to see what he thought was unique. “How so?” I asked, curious about what he’d say.

“How many men have you met who retired at 44?” said the 51-year-old, 27-year military veteran.

“A few,” I said truthfully.

“How many men have you met who have no children around, no drama from ex-wives and no money issues?”

“Not many,” I replied, feeling I should throw him a bone.

“I’m healthy, STD-free, and work out regularly. I can do whatever I want when I want.”

“You are a rarity,” I cooed, now clear he was seeking acknowledgement.

But why was he selling himself so hard? We’d already laughed and seemed to be getting along nicely. Did he feel he had to convince me to have coffee with him? I didn’t feel there was a need for a sales job.

I realize I can be intimidating to a lot of men, so I’ve learned to be nice and as gracious as I can. I don’t want to be intimidating, but I find many men are not used to talking to an articulate, focused, present woman. So I try to put them at ease and give them some slack so they don’t have to try to impress me on the first call.

When people try a bit too hard it backfires. They want to impress you, but by trying to do so they actually seem needy and less confident than they are intending.

Does overselling indicate someone is compensating? Often. They don’t realize that others are actually more impressed by how someone treats them and behaves around them than by being told what a terrific person they are.

Have you been on the receiving end of someone trying too hard? How did you handle it? Have you ever found yourself trying a bit too much?

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Want information on how to be clear on your own strengths? Get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch

Pin-the-crown-on-the-princess game at Royal Wedding party

I’ve just returned from the royal wedding. Well, not the wedding itself, as my invitation must have gotten lost in the post. However, I let it be known to my British friends that I was available for anyone’s plus one. I would have dashed out and bought a fascinator!

I was in London for a few days right before the wedding but decided not to fight the crowds for a 10-second view of the procession so went to a friend’s house an hour outside London. We watched it on the telly then went to two royal wedding parties.

Bar maids dressed for the Royal Wedding party at local pub

While I watched, I was as entranced along with millions of other viewers. I pondered the allure. Two good-looking, young, rich people were allowing the world to watch one of the most important moments of their lives. The “costumes” of both the wedding party and guests made for entertaining television. The horsemen, guards and carriages were the height of pomp. Everything ran smoothly — nearly perfectly.

Surprisingly, princesses were hard to find

Women (mostly) were enraptured by the whole process. The London papers were filled with front-page detail for the week before and days afterward. What was so beguiling for my ilk — midlife women? And was it good for us single women — or bad?

The wedding symbolized what we long for — a real-life fairy tale (is that an oxymoron?) where love conquers all. A prince falls for a commoner (never mind that this commoner’s family is worth millions). He breaks from long tradition to marry the woman he loves. This gives us hope that we, too, will find an exceptional man who wants to scoop us up.

Kate waited for him to be ready — for eight years. There has been no mention of her wanting to wait as well — only that she waited. This again gives us hope that love may develop over time — that it’s not a whirlwind.

Boy dressed for local Royal Wedding celebration

The bad is that we may hold out for such high criteria that we miss out on the everyday princes (or, I prefer, kings) — ones who treat us like queens, no matter what their economic standing. Some women are insistent that their man be tall, fit, handsome, well-mannered, educated and have all his hair. (Kate, luckily, wasn’t staunch about the latter.) We may insist that he has the ability to lavish us with expensive gifts, and whisk us away to our honeymoon on a helicopter.

So is the royal wedding good or bad for us midlife daters? I think if we are able to keep our expectations in check, it is good. Romance, generally, is.

What’s your opinion on if it is good or bad for us? Why?

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Want more info exploring what kind of prince/king will be right for you? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?.

A few days ago, over a pain au chocolat in Paris, my French friend Benoit shared relationship advice. While it was something I’d heard before, somehow coming from a Frenchman in Paris, delivered in his charming French accent, it had more gravitas.

DG: Benoit, the French have an international reputation for love, romance and sensuality. You’ve been married over two decades. What do you attribute your long-term relationship success to?

Benoit: It ez very zimple. Anyone can understand.

DG: OK. Tell me.

Benoit: You must court your love az long az you are together.

DG: Is that it? Is there more?

Benoit: I tell my wiv I love her every day. I tell her in different wayz.

DG: Like what?

Benoit: One day I tell her she iz beautiful. Another day I tell her I love how she smellz. Another, how sexy she iz. Another, what a good cook she iz. I compliment her on the different thingz I love about her.

DG: Does she do the same?

Benoit: She tellz me in different wayz. I know she lovez me.

DG: And you feel that is the secret to your long-term happiness?

Benoit: Abzolutely! We appreciate each other every day.

So there you have it — straight from a Frenchman’s lips! I agree with him wholeheartedly. Dating and counting never ends. It keeps the allure and passion alive.

Now, if I could just find a charming Frenchman with whom to try out this concept.

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Want more info on how to have a successful long-term relationship? Get your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

I like to flirt. I don’t ever expect anything from it. I’m surprised if there is a benefit beyond just fun.

This week I had an experience that cemented my belief in harmless flirting. Not that I needed any encouragement!
I’m in London this week and my travel pal and I decided to see a play. We were keen on seeing “The Children’s Hour” but were loath to pay full price. The half-off ticket stands didn’t have any tickets for this play since it was wildly popular so the theater didn’t have trouble filling the house.

We traipsed off to the theater’s box office an hour before curtain time. A young man greeted us cheerfully behind the plexiglass so I returned his broad smile.

“Hi. We’re interested in the best seats for the cheapest price for tonight’s performance.”

He playfully responded, “Cheap is in the eye of the beholder. Let me tell you what seats we have available.”

He looked at his list. “Fifty-one pounds for side orchestra. Sixty-five pounds for center balcony.”

I smiled. “My dear, I think we have different definitions of ‘cheap.’ We’d love the center balcony. But sixty-five pounds is too much. Are they really good seats?”

“They’re great seats. I haven’t seen the play, but I hear they have good sight lines.”

“You haven’t seen the play? Really?”

“No, we have to buy tickets, too.”

“Well, that’s not right. You can come with us and sit on our laps.”

He shrieked with delight, nearly falling off his chair laughing.

“Listen, you have absolutely made my day. Is there anyone behind you?” I turned and looked, then shook my head ‘no.’ “I’m going to give you these center balcony seats for 25 lbs. Just don’t tell anyone!”

I promised I wouldn’t. No one at all — except all my blog readers.

So flirting has untold benefits. If it is done appropriately, especially with strangers, both parties will have a fun experience. And you never know what hidden benefits will come of it.

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Want more info on how to be enticing? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping

I was interviewed on Dr. Duffy Spencer’s “Just Relationships” radio show for two shows. Dr. Duffy is a lively interviewer. Each is 30 minutes.

Listen to Part 1

Listen to Part 2

Do you sometimes feel you’ve explored all the eligible men in your area who meet your criteria? Perhaps you’ve modified your online searches and lowered your requirements and still no one compelling has expressed mutual interest.

You need to try something new. Dramatically different.

For me, I’m trying not only a different route, but a different continent. I’m expanding my sweetheart quest to Europe. I’m working and playing there for the month of April so am changing my online profile to reflect my temporary home cities. We’ll see what happens.

I’m starting in London for a week. We’ll see if I discover anyone interesting while I’m enjoying business and pleasure activities. I’ve already got a tea date set up with a London red bus driver  I “met” online. (For those who know I’m a job snob, this is clearly a lark.)

Traditional wisdom is that long-distance relationships rarely work. But I’m willing to experiment to broaden my adventure.

Stay tuned for dating stories from a broad abroad, or, at the least, a few travelogues.
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Want more info on how to make your search an adventure? Get your copy In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

We’ve all had it.

None of us likes it.

It stings, although sometimes it’s a relief.

It’s hard to give and to receive.

Rejection.

So I have a tool that will help the next time you are rejected by a potential date.

If it’s by email, simply print out the missive and do what this wise one does. Follow along and do exactly the same.

Feel better?
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Want ideas for how to respond to rejection and breakups? Get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

You’ve heard this bromide from people who want to encourage others to be more bold, or to justify their own failed behavior.

So does it hold true in dating?

Yes, it doesn’t hurt to try…

…to ask someone out for coffee who you’ve admired from afar, or even just met.

…to contact someone online who seems interesting.

…to show your interest in someone by asking about their life.

However, it does hurt to try…

…to kiss someone on the first date who hasn’t given you very clear signals they are interested, and/or who you haven’t asked if you could. You could ruin any chance of a second date as you could be seen as overly aggressive and inappropriate.

…to get too physical too soon — a hand on a thigh or too touchy. You could be perceived as disrespectful and crossing the other’s boundaries.

…to continue to pursue someone after they’ve said they aren’t interested. You’ll seem like you’re ignoring their wishes and even stalking.

So while some trying something bold can be positive, other times it can be harmful. When you hear yourself think, “It doesn’t hurt to try,” think through the options to see if it actually might hurt to try. If someone could respond negatively, seek alternatives.
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Want to understand more issues to consider on a first date? Get your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increase the Chance of a Second Date.

At the train station in Cheshire, England, officials erected a “No Kissing” sign since traffic stacked up while amorous lovers made out bidding each other good-bye.

It made me wonder about our own personal no-kissing zones. Although many (most?) daters don’t mind some PDA, there are places we’d rather not neck.

For example, after several weeks of intensive calls, an out-of-town suitor decided he just couldn’t wait to show me how glad he was to be with me at last. As we walked to the restaurant down my home town main drag, he backed me up to a building and started necking. While I appreciated his attraction to me, I was dismayed at his choice of spots, as who knew which of my clients might amble by.

I tried to break off to tell him to wait until we were in private, but he scoffed saying, “I don’t care who sees.” Thanks, bub, for caring about my desires!

With other men, I was less concerned with being smooched in public. While I try to balance honoring spontaneity with discretion, if besotted with a man, I didn’t mind long smooches outside a neighborhood haunt, no matter who was around.

In fact, one of my most delicious dates was at the movies with a particularly alluring sweetheart. We chose an early movie with few people in the theater and sat in the very back. We started canoodling, conscious of being as quiet as possible. We did nothing more than kiss. A few rows in front of us sat another middle-aged couple. At the end of the flick, they turned to look at us and seemed shocked we weren’t teenagers.

However, that was in the dark, not broad daylight, and not in a place where others would easily see us.

What are your boundaries around long kisses (not just quick pecks) in public? Does it depend on who you’re with and your feelings toward him? Or the location — neighborhood vs. unfamiliar area? Or the amount of wine you’ve had?

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Want to understand more of what you should know on your way to intimacy? Get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

We like our friends, in part, because of who we are when we are with them. We feel we can relax and be our best self.

Unlike how we feel when we are around people who we find difficult, obnoxious or off-putting. Part of why we don’t like being around those folks is because we don’t like how we feel around them.

Another way to say this is: around our friends, our true self is called forth. We feel good, comfortable, relaxed.

When we are exploring a new relationship, it’s important to be aware of what part of you is called forth. Do you feel comfortable, safe and relaxed? Do you feel kind, accepting and generous? Or do you get defensive, angry, or competitive?

Most people aren’t conscious of what is being called forth; they just decide they like someone or not. They don’t realize that part of why they like or dislike a person is based on how they feel around them and what part of them is brought out.

I was discussing a mutual colleague with a pal. I said, “I don’t like how I’m triggered to be when I’m around him.” Yes, you can consciously choose how you behave around others. But the people who elicit the strongest negative reactions are those who trigger something deep within us — some old hurt. We find ourselves reacting before giving any thought to the situation.

So when starting to get to know a potential romantic partner, be mindful of what part of you is being called forth. If you feel wonderful and rarely confused or upset, keep seeing him. But if you find yourself regularly feeling defensive, hurt or angry, move on.

However, know that some relationship counselors suggest that if you are able to hang out in the negative emotion, you can work to heal that old hurt so it no longer has any power over you. But this is an advanced skill that is hard to master. I have, on occasion, realized that the negative emotion a beau evoked was an opportunity to look at the underlying old hurt and heal it. By healing it, one is no longer susceptible to the triggers, so isn’t bothered by the behaviors that called forth the disappointment.

After a date, ask yourself, “How did I feel? Was my best self called forth? Was I kind, generous, interested a good listener? Or did I find myself getting irritated with him over little things?” If the later, best to move on, unless there are other overriding characteristics that will make it worth your while to notice and examine the negative triggers.

Have you noticed how you feel after a date and identified what part of you was called forth? What did you notice and what did you do about it?

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For more info on what to be aware of when first dating, get your copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

It was great fun to be interviewed for “Girlfriend We Gotta Talk” radio show which aired Sunday. Download the show to listen to our lively 1/2-hour conversation.

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If you want the real scoop on what it’s like to be dating again after 40, get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

Midlife singles often tell me that the biggest challenge with dating is getting a date in the first place. That isn’t what I see as the greatest obstacle, as you could easily go out with lots of people if you adjust your criteria.

In my experience, the biggest issue is finding someone interesting and engaging enough to see again (and they feel similarly), then building some traction. About half of the 110 men I’ve gone out with resulted in one-time-only meetings.

By “traction,” I mean what the thesaurus gives us: adhesion — or sticking together. While I accept second and subsequent dates with men whose company I enjoy, it can be difficult getting beyond good conversation to a more romantic connection. There is a delicate balance between moving too quickly and moving so slowly that the relationship transitions to the “friend” category.

So how does one get traction toward building a romantic relationship, not just a friendship? I think mutual flirting helps, if sincere, as it telegraphs that you’re not just looking for an activity partner pal.

The traction needs to build naturally. If you feel you are always the one making contact, or suggesting getting together, or pulling the other in conversation, you are in a rut and there is no traction to get you out. You are doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. That isn’t a win/win.

What if you find there is no momentum after a handful of dates? You can continue seeing each other if you like each other, and see if a romantic relationship evolves. I have now-married friends who started out as pals and then they became romantic.

Generally, we expect to feel some spark, some chemistry beyond liking each other. So if you aren’t feeling you’re becoming more connected, then it’s probably best to have the “let’s be friends” conversation. That might inspire him to kick it up a notch and realize he wants more, or he might just agree to be friends.

What have you done if you don’t feel the relationship is moving forward after a handful of dates? Have you stuck with it or relegated the relationship into the friend realm?
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Caught not knowing if you should continue or move on? Then get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

(Dear Readers: My fabulous former relationship counselor and friend Sonika Tinker has a teleseminar series and CD set I thought might interest you so I asked her to contribute a posting.)

by Guest Blogger Soniker Tinker, MSW

Many singles are tired of the dating scene and sick of superficial interactions. Most leave dates and singles events feeling more lonely and discouraged than ever.

Why? The dating scene doesn’t work.

Wayne Dyer said, “We don’t get what we want, we get who we are.”

When singles meet, they don’t really see each other, they talk but don’t feel heard, reach out but don’t feel connected. There is so much judging, assessing, impressing, withholding, deciding, wanting and needing going on that no one is really being with each other and there is little space left for authentic, joyful, intimate relating.

Does this sound familiar? Someone looks at you and you look at them and within two seconds you have already decided whether or not you are going to see each other again. You go through the motions of a flat, dishonest evening anyway, pretending you don’t notice or feel the obvious. It is so uncomfortable that you wonder afterward why the heck you bother venturing out at all – you’d have more fun at home in your bathrobe on the couch watching TV!

There are over 20 reasons why dating doesn’t work. I am listing five of them:

1. Your list of what you want in a partner prevents you from actually “being” with the people you meet, so relationship can’t develop. You have a relationship with your comparative list instead of a person. Besides, checking each other out keeps you in your head and out of your heart where love lives.
2. You are so busy trying to impress each other that authenticity goes out the window. Relationship can’t build when people are hiding, pretending, trying, etc. Relationship flows when people are honest and real.
3. You think who you see on a date is who the other person really is. But it isn’t. (They are in pretense mode too.) So you miss out on who this person could be or might be. People are not rigid and fixed. They are ever changing and evolving and becoming. In fact, you play a huge role in how someone shows up around you.
4. Wanting a relationship prevents you from having one, so unfortunately, the more you long for a relationship, the more relationship can’t show up. Wanting and having can’t exist in the same space. You need to be able to move out of wanting into having in order to manifest a relationship.
5. You don’t intentionally create your dating experience ahead of time. You show up on a date to “see” how you “feel” about this person like a passive observer in a movie. Your date is doing the same thing, so the date drifts, passively along into whatever.

There are many more reasons why dates don’t work. We talk about them on our 2-CD set, “Why Am I Still Single?” If you are committed to breaking free and creating a relationship, you can get our 6-week singles program home-study course.

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Email Sonika, call for more info at 530/878-3893, or visit her web site, www.loveworksforyou.com.

Our society drowns us in Valentine’s Day propaganda — cramming down our throats that if we have a sweetie we have to go all out to show our ardor. And by implication, if you don’t have a honey, you are a loser.

You know you’re not a loser. You have been working toward finding a compatible, mutually attractive sweetheart. You’ve been consciously and consistently making yourself the best you can be.

You’ve kept up your beloved-finding activities. Over and over. Like a long march toward an elusive love. You keep at it.

One foot in front of the other.

You keep on trucking.

You plod along.

The search, as with any long trek, is punctuated with highs and lows. Sometimes the path is riddled with obstacles; other times it’s clear and easy. You’re elated to find a fun adventure partner, but then you take different paths. Sometimes that is a blessing; sometimes it’s deflating.

You’re tempted along the way to sit on a rock and just be present to where you’ve come and where you are. The perspective may be a beautiful vista, highlighting how far you’ve progressed. Or it could be depressing to see the distance you’ve trudged and not glimpse the end yet.

But you know to stay stagnant would not garner the future you envision and long for. So you give yourself a pep talk and keep trekking. You remind yourself to enjoy the journey and notice the beauty and uniqueness of everything — and everyone — you encounter, even though it may not look fetching at the time. You remind yourself that all of life has some lesson and ultimate good, if you are willing to look for it.

So you ignore the pressure to take the media’s Valentine’s Day messages to mean you are defective if you don’t have a sweetheart right now. You can use the barrage of candy, flower and jewelry ads to remind yourself that true love begins with your being besotted with yourself. Try wooing yourself during this time of year and do things that rekindle your infatuation with the person who is key to allowing anyone else to adore you — that would be you!

And you keep on your path, with a renewed verve and oozing love from your core. Your ardor for yourself will attract the right partner to dance down the path of life.

_________________

Need help reminding yourself why someone would love you? Get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

Younger men. Sometimes decades younger. Perhaps young enough to be your son.

I’m not usually drawn to them because they are typically even more immature than the fifty-somethings I tend to date. And I abhor the concept of and term “cougar” so would never want to be accused of one.

But every once in a while a younger man comes along who is worth considering. And if there’s mutual attraction, it can be great for your ego — as well as fun!

A few months ago I had a few dates and continue to be contact with one such man. He is more emotionally mature than many of the chronologically mature men with whom I’ve gone out, despite his being 20 years my junior. He’s handsome, interesting, thoughtful, intelligent — and he thinks I’m sexy and, in his words, “gorgeous.” I usually only get that from the near-sighted men closer to my own age.

Yesterday a 40-year-old colleague called and the topic turned to his 63-year-old widowed mother who’d begun dating. He’s been helping her write her online profile and vetting prospective suitors. It got him thinking about if he weren’t happily married. He blurted out, “If I weren’t married, I’d definitely want to date you.” Sweet man. Of course, when one is married, it is very safe to spew such sentiments. Toward the end of the conversation, he said he thought I was “smokin’ hot,” which made this overweight, crow’s feet-festoon 55-year-old feel very nice indeed.

Several friends have long-term marriages with younger men. I could see how it could work if the couples were compatible. After all, in the grand scheme, does age really matter? He could have health challenges before she does. And since women’s life span is longer, she’d be able to have a sweetheart into her elder years.

Most of us don’t like to think long term. We want to enjoy the magic of now and believe we’ll figure out what we need when the time comes. So why not embrace the situation if a there’s a mutual attraction with a younger man and see where it goes?

As long as you both are clear that you want similar things out of life, then an age difference doesn’t really matter. However, my experience is that a man a decade or so younger typically has children at home, or is consumed by his career, or doesn’t really have time or the means to travel or accompany me in the life I’ve created. If so, great. But I’ve found it’s rare.

So should you throw caution to the wind and play with your boy toy? Or is that disrespectful to him, implying that you will discard him when he’s no longer fun to play with? But isn’t that a possibility no matter what his age? And, of course he could jettison you just as easily.

What’s your philosophy about midlife women dating a man over a decade younger? Have you done it? What did you learn?

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Want to explore more about who you want as your next sweetie? Get your copy of  In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

(Dear Readers: I knew my friend and relationship coach Amy Schoen was offering her telecourse this month so asked her to submit an article to let you know.)

by Guest Blogger, Relationship Coach Amy Schoen

The clock struck midnight on New Years Eve and you were with your friends or alone with no one to kiss. You vowed to yourself to have a significant relationship by the summer. How do you plan on making that happen?

Here are my top dating tips and strategies to get love right this year:

1. Carve out time for dating and relationships: Like many professionals, you are stretched by the demands of your work, family, friends and other commitments. However, in order to succeed at love you need to make time for looking to meet someone and then for the relationship once you’ve met the person.
2. Be proactive. There are so many ways to meet people from Internet dating to Meetups to joining a singles group. Try something new. Push yourself outside your comfort zone and you will meet people.
3. Be open to learning how to best be in a relationship. Take a class, read a book, or work with a relationship coach. Give yourself the best chance of making the relationship move forward by learning new skills.
4. Surround yourself with positive, supportive people who encourage you to stick to your dating plan, especially when it gets rough. Consider joining a support group — even a virtual one.
5. Stay positive about yourself and dating. Focus on what you bring to a relationship instead of what your flaws. Nearly everyone has some positive attributes that someone will find attractive.
6. Visualize yourself in a successful, happy relationship so you can see that it is possible for you to have the loving relationship that you deserve.

A new year brings new possibilities. What first step are you going to take?

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Amy Schoen, MBA, CPCC is a certified professional life coach that specializes in dating and relationships. If you really ready to focus on getting love right this year, then join her upcoming 10-week “Get Love Right” telecoaching group (www.GetLoveRight.com) starting February 22nd. There are only 6 slots available for this group. The program includes 3 personal coaching sessions and support from like-minded individuals. She also reviews your Internet dating profile (or gets you online). Join before 2/15 and save $200.

Read more of her dating tips from her on her blog: www.motivatedtomarry.com for seriously minded singles. Get started today with your first personal coaching session with Coach Amy!

When your friends are all coupled and rarely want to do something social without their spouse, it can be hard to find activity buddies. Sure, there are singles events in many locales, but often they feel like an audition instead of just having people with whom to do things. And other than your all being single, you may find you have little in common with these folks so make few connections.

Sometimes you come upon someone on a dating site who likes to do similar things as you, but you know there’s no romantic interest. Other times the person will say clearly, “Looking for an activity partner.” It takes the pressure off wondering if he’ll try to kiss you in the middle of the first date!

I was contacted recently by someone who refreshingly said he was just looking for a pal with whom to do things. We like to do a lot of the same things, and I recognized him as a community leader from his pics. He shared that his wife of three decades died last year and he wanted someone to go to the movies and hikes and bike rides. Plus, he lives in my neighborhood!

So I will meet my new potential friend tomorrow for lunch and see if we like each other enough to want to do things together. Our phone conversation pointed to “yes” on the would-we-enjoy-hanging-out-together dial. And I don’t think I’ll have to be concerned about his trying to sneak a kiss on the first encounter.

Have you nurtured strangers to become activity partners? Have they ever transitioned to romantic partners? Tell us your story.

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Are you like the man mentioned in this posting — not sure if you’re ready to date again or not — then get your autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

Men often show their connection by teasing and good-naturedly insulting each other. They can make pot shots about the other’s weight, thinning hair, bulbous nose, incompetencies, shortcomings or lack of sexual prowess without taking it personally.

So what happens when a woman — especially a woman he’s attracted to — tries to join in the boys’ club teasing?

Not good.

Some women have trouble understanding that many men take it especially hard when a woman busts a man’s… chops. So if the woman he’s dating joins in the fray when his friends are torquing his jaw, it doesn’t feel like chops she’s busting to him; it feels like she’s attacked his sensitive man parts.

It took me a long time to learn this. I can quickly join in the busting repartee. All my life I have found myself the only woman in a group of male friends or colleagues so picked up the behaviors they have among the guys.

The problem is, men don’t take teasing from a woman as they would from a man. Decades ago a gal pal pulled me aside and told me to not teasingly put down my then-husband. It took me a while as he laughed when I teased him. But I did reduce and eventually stop this behavior with him, as I began to see it was not the right dynamic for us.

A year ago, a male friend asked me to “be nice” to him in front of his girlfriend. When I sincerely said, “You mean I’m not always nice to you?” He said no, sometimes I zinged him in front of her. I apologized and realized he was right. I vowed to build him up in front of her, not tear him down. I eliminated my zingers, whether she was around or not. And I promised myself I’d stop myself from the temptation to do that to any man.

So why do women zing men?

• It can elicit laughter, often from the target himself.
• It makes her feel like she’s accepted by the guys.
• She feels special because other women aren’t given such alpha status.
• She doesn’t think it hurts the target.
• She has low self-esteem so it makes her feel good to put down others.

Most men would not let on that it was uncomfortable — or downright hurtful — to receive zingers from a woman, especially a woman with whom he was involved. They may laugh it off, but it can hurt and he’ll never let on. So the women think they are just playing around, that the guys like it or it doesn’t affect them.

So women, have you zinged men? If so, why? Did you learn to stop?

Men, how has it felt when a girlfriend/wife zinged you?

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Want to understand more about what creates problems in relationships and how to fix them? Get your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

A 25-year-old woman agreed to meet — for the first time — a man she’d connected with through a dating site at his house at 9 p.m. to go out to dinner. When she arrived at his door, he grabbed her by the hair and pulled her inside. There, a gun-toting accomplice demanded her keys and the two men drove off in her car.

This is a tragic story.

But it is also a story of stupidity. She was 25 — old enough to know better. But she did not have enough sense to know it was stupid to meet a man for the first time at his house!

Yes, she is a victim.

But really, some people are victims because of their lack of good decision making.

What are the chances this could happen to you? I hope very low. Because you are older and, I trust, much wiser.

The reason this made the news is because it was an anomaly. But there are plenty of other tales of bad stuff that’s happened to women on a date that they are too embarrassed to report.

This underscores why you should never make an exception to meeting a man in a public place the first few times.
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For info on how to vet a man before going out, get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates

When leaving my exercise class at an elementary school auditorium, this sign caught my eye. It made me think it ought to be posted at coffee shops to remind daters to use their manners!

Why did this cross my mind?

I had another date that left me scratching my head. I checked with a couple of male pals to see if I had too-high expectations.

“What happened?” you ask.

We’d talked, texted and emailed for a few weeks as we worked out a mutually available evening. There seemed to be a shared interest.

When I arrived at the nearly empty coffee shop, he was sitting at a table typing on his phone. I stood opposite him and said “Hello.” He looked up from his phone and said “Hello.”

He didn’t rise to greet me. I can’t remember a date not rising when I appeared, and then either offer a hand or a hug. Heck, I rise on first meeting someone at an appointment whether male or female.

I sat down. He said, “Let me send this email.” I watched as he finished typing.

He asked if I wanted something to drink, then got up to order and fetch it. OK, this guy has some manners.

We had an enjoyable conversation. After 90 minutes, the shop began closing. He said, “We need to go.” I stood up, took my coat from the chair and donned it. He rose and stepped back from the table, which I thought was odd. Did he find me so odious he was stepping away? Was he scared of me? I said, “Give me a hug,” which he did. He followed me to the door. I opened the door into the night.

Upon exiting, he said, “I’m parked over there,” pointing in the opposite direction than my car. “I’m over there,” I said. “It was nice to meet you,” he said and turned to walk to his car.

It’s been a long time since a man didn’t offer to walk me to my car after dark.

So was this man without basic manners? Or was I expecting too much? I chocked it up to he wasn’t into me and was doing only the minimal of niceties. My male friends tell me that when a man is into a woman, he’ll put his hand out to take her coat when she reaches for it. He makes sure to open doors, and would always want just a few more minutes with her by walking her to her car to ensure she reached it safely. Heck, if he was into her, he’d say, “The coffee shop is closing. I’m enjoying our conversation. Would you like to continue over a bite to eat?”

However, when I arrived home he texted me that he enjoyed meeting me and liked our conversation. If he wasn’t interested, why would he text? It was a non-committal text that didn’t suggest another encounter. I responded to him that I liked our conversation, too, and he said he’d call me soon. I figured I’d never hear from him again.

Two days later, he texted then called. I said I was surprised to hear from him. He asked why, and I said I didn’t think he was interested in me. He sounded incredulous and asked why. I pointed out the not walking to my car and the tepid follow-up text. He said he could see me walking to my car and saw I was safe.

I learned from a wise person to make sure the other person knows of your efforts, as they won’t think you care if they don’t know. That’s not to say you should announce every nice thing you do for another, but make sure you say, “I filled up your gas tank” or “I made sure to get the brand of OJ you like” or “I hunted for two-toned flowers and finally found the ones you like.” (These are sort of lame examples, but I hope you get what I mean.)

So in dating, if you are attracted to someone you need to show it clearly, otherwise the person may not know.

What are your expectations of manners in dating? Do you give the other person a little slack on first meeting? Or do you think if s/he isn’t conscious of manners at the very beginning it won’t improve?

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Want more information on what to look for in a first date? Then get your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increase the Chance of a Second Date.

General wisdom is to take some time to be alone after any relationship ends.

The shorter the time in the relationship, the less time it takes to recover. I once heard that most people need 25%-50% of a relationship’s duration before being ready to have another relationship.

After talking for two weeks, a man disclosed that the reason he listed himself on a dating site is that his partner of 7 years died — two months ago.

My first reaction was, whoa — that’s way too soon to be dating. But in discussing his situation he seemed very grounded about it. And since grieving is unique to every person, it wasn’t up to me to decide what was right or proper for him.

He said her sudden death made him realize that life is short, not to take anything for granted, and that he didn’t want to languish in self-pity. He had honored her every day of their relationship so he doesn’t think dating now is in any way dishonoring her. She’d want him to move on in his life and be happy.

However, he knew he was currently not looking for a replacement relationship. He’d like companionship and someone to enjoy.

Generally, I’d shy away from pursuing anything with anyone in this situation as I wouldn’t want to be a rebound sweetie. That usually means heartache.

Have you dated a recent widow? What did you learn that you think would be useful to other daters? Are these recent mourners too wounded to try to establish a sustainable relationship? Or is companionship just what was needed?
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Want to know more about what you may encounter as you get back into dating? Download your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

When I decided to hang a picture recently, I wished I had a stud finder to ensure the nail went into wood instead of just plaster.

Then it hit me — wouldn’t it be great to have a similar tool when looking for a man! One that would guarantee hitting a solid man, not a flaky one. Can you imagine how much easier it would be when you walked into a bar or singles event with one of these devices? It would light up and sound off when a responsible, solid, upright man was found!

I thought I’d play with this theme when talking to a new man the other night. We’d emailed, texted and talked over the last 2 weeks. But our schedules haven’t lined up so we can actually rendezvous. From all indications thus far he seems mature, intelligent, articulate, down-to-earth, responsible, humble and a gentleman.

We were chitchatting, as one does when getting to know one another. I told him of my need to hang a picture and my lack of a stud finder. He told me how great they are; they light up and buzz when a stud is found. I playfully said, “Then I should bring one when we first meet so it will help me locate you.”

Without missing a beat, he said, “It will explode.”

I nearly fell off my chair laughing. This was so out of character to the humble man I had thought him to be. It wasn’t off putting, but instead delightful that he’d come back so quickly with such a funny comment.

So, ladies, let’s build our dream Human Stud Finder. I don’t mean “stud” in merely the sexual vein, although, of course, that’s important. What else would we build into this new tool to help us ferret out the qualities we want? I’ll get us going: honesty, caring, romance, intelligence, emotionally stable, financially sound, healthy, responsible.

In addition to other qualities, how do you imagine our invention would work? Should it have an “anti-stud” feature to alert us of those with less-than-quality values? Do we program it with what we’re looking for and have it scan the room for those with a high percentage of matches? And assuming men have whatever the equivalent would be, it would be easy to see who is a mutual match.

Now, perhaps we can get someone to program and build this to our specs. We’d make millions!

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Until the Human Stud Finder is invented, we are left to our own devices to determine if a man is a good fit for us or not. To help you with that, get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

We’d talked on the phone a few times but hadn’t met. It was early evening when we talked again and he said he’d love to take me to dinner that night. But he had a favor to ask: his Jag was in the shop so would I drive to his area for dinner?

He lived 45 minutes away in a newly gentrified part of a not-so-great area. It was already dark. I didn’t relish driving to his area after sunset.

When I said that, he scoffed, trying to cajole me. I wouldn’t budge. “I’m not driving there alone after dark.” He said he lived in a safe part of town. “But,” I responded, “I have to drive through a not-so-safe part to get to your part.” He got exasperated.

This wasn’t the first time a man had disregarded my concern for my safety. I hadn’t been able to articulate this before I listened to a recording from a seminar about men and women. The seminar leader asked how many men had been cognizant of their personal safety in the last month. No men’s hands raised. She then asked the women. Every hand raised.

In dating, women need to be conscious about creating safe environments for themselves. This is why we are advised to always meet a man in a public place for the first few dates, and to always drive in your own car until you’ve vetted the man. I’ve ignored this advice a few times and while nothing happened, it could have. In retrospect, I saw how stupid I was and how lucky I was that nothing happened.

We don’t want to be paranoid, yet if you are a trusting person, you give men that trust before they have earned it. I don’t even like a man to pick me up at my house on the second date. I’ve found too many see that as an invitation to more than I’d wanted.

Since many men don’t understand that they need to make sure the woman feels safe, look for the signs of his insensitivity. If while planning a date he chides you for insisting you drive yourself to the rendezvous site, he’s not the kind of conscientious man you want. If he tries to persuade you that he will “be good” or “a gentleman” when you say you’re not comfortable going to his house for a second-date dinner, he’s trying to manipulate you.

Be clear on what you need to feel safe. Think about it ahead of time so you can express yourself confidently and firmly. If he tries to negotiate what you state you need to feel comfortable, he’ll try to press your boundaries until he gets his way.

You don’t want to be paranoid, but few women have been sorry they’ve erred on the side of caution. The women who are regretful are the ones who ignored their inner voice screaming “this doesn’t feel comfortable” then allowing the man to lead them where they didn’t want to go.

You always want to be equipped to get yourself out of a situation that becomes uncomfortable. The challenge is that you may feel comfortable with a man on the first few dates so agree to things you know could be risky. You probably don’t know the man very well as you start dating. So he could be perfectly nice in public on the first few dates. But behind closed doors he could show a side that makes you uncomfortable. This is why it’s important to keep your dates to public places for a while. If he has controlling tendencies, they will begin to leak out soon enough.

Have you experienced men who try to convince you that your cautiousness is unfounded? How did you respond? Have you found yourself in situations that you realize could have ended badly? Any experiences that started innocently but caused you to extricate yourself because you didn’t feel safe?

_____________________

Want to clarify how your “king” will behave so you’ll notice it when he appears? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

A midlife friend recently broke up with his girlfriend of 10 years. The reason he broke up with her is after a lot of soul searching and couples counseling, it became clear they wanted different things.

When I asked how he was doing regarding this, he said he was using this as an impetus to reassess many things in his life.

“Like what?” I asked.

“Pretty much everything.”

“Give me some examples.”

“Work, living situation, exercise, diet, goals, love, relationships. I’m stepping back and looking at most elements of my life and asking if they are what I want. Am I doing my the best I can given certain parameters?”

“Wow, that’s a lot to assess.”

“Yes, it’s good.”

Breakups can be a time to examine many elements of your life and decide if each is what you want. As a result of this assessment, many people increase their exercise, change their diet, go back to school, take up new hobbies, modify their appearance and/or wardrobe, negotiate work duties, remodel their house or even move.

When my marriage dissolved I thought hard about if I wanted to continue living in my house and city. I seriously pondered getting in my car and visiting friends around the country who’d invited me. I could then experience many areas for possible relocation. Funds and lethargy prevented me from taking off on this adventure. But since I’ve visited so many areas of the country, I decided I was happy for now where I am.

After my last painful breakup, I was motivated to seek counseling to better understand the bad choices I was making about men. It has helped immensely.

What have you examined and changed after a breakup? Have breakups motivated you to modify important parts of your life.
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For more on post-breakup lessons, get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

When you’ve decided you don’t want further contact with someone, it’s easy to ignore their phone calls, IMs, texts or emails.

Perhaps you rise a level to at least send a “we’re not a match” email.

It’s hardest to actually tell the person face-to-face. However, if you’ve only had one encounter, it seems counter-productive to arrange a meeting just to tell the person you won’t be seeing them again.

So a phone call is in order. But what do you say? How do you phrase it to not focus on the other’s deal breakers? You don’t want to stoop to a level of name calling or pointing out the other’s bad breath, disheveled appearance, incessant cursing, bad manners or lusting after you. You want to do this task with class and leave the other’s dignity intact.

You procrastinate making the call because you don’t want an altercation and since you barely know the person, you have no idea how he’ll respond.

But you decide you must act consistent with how you’d like to be treated — respectfully — so you make the call.

This was the thought process I recently went through to decide how to tell Erotic-Dream-Guy he shouldn’t bother contacting me again. He’d called 4 times in the previous 3 days and I didn’t pick up because I was busy at the time. But I also didn’t call him back. I thought about our interactions and how I felt during and afterward. While he was funny, smart and knew many of the right things to say, he also chastised me for telling my truth, told me I was evasive when I thought I was being polite, and had made many blatant sexual remarks even after I told him I was uncomfortable with them. Generally, I felt disrespected which is intolerable for me.

So I dialed. I thought about what I would say and how to phrase it to be as non-blaming as possible. I didn’t want to lie with the common, “I’m taking a break from dating,” or “I’ve met someone else and we really hit it off.” Neither were true, and I’d heard these so often I know they are avoidance lines.

He answered and asked about my weekend. I told him it had been busy (which it had) and I knew he’d called a number of times. He said he’d like to see me again. I thanked him and continued, “Because you are a direct man, I’ll be direct with you. After our last conversation I determined that we want different things and we weren’t a match.” He said he was disappointed and respected my decision. He didn’t ask for clarification, so I didn’t elaborate. I thanked him for his interest and wished him good luck. He said thank you and we hung up.

If he’d become confrontational and said, “What do you mean we want different things” I was prepared with a comment that I know is nasty: “I want a respectful gentleman. You want to get laid.” Luckily, I didn’t have to stoop to this low-level comment. I don’t like myself when I become snarky.

It is much harder to tell someone personally, not in text, IM or email, that you don’t want further contact, but it is, I believe, the right way. Have I always made the effort? No. But I felt cowardly when I took the easy way out. Dating is hard enough when you have to deal with cowardly people along the way. I think we need to have the courage to do what we know is right and treat others respectfully, even when they have not always behaved that way toward you. Their bad behavior is no excuse for you to lower yourself to their level.

How have you respectfully told someone there is no need for further contact? What did you consider doing that you’re glad you didn’t?
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For more information on how to break off contact with grace, get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache

A new man started pursuing me and after a few calls shared how much he liked me. I had made no sexual innuendos nor teasing, so was taken aback when he said, “I want to make love to you.” I’ve heard this from a number of men and generally shake it off as they are lonely and horny and socially awkward reentering the dating world so don’t realize how off-putting that can be.

I’ve had others tell me before, during or immediately after a first date what they fantasize our doing together — and I don’t mean going to the movies! They have concocted their own movie of us in their head, one that would receive an x rating!

I gave the new man the benefit of a doubt and agreed to dinner as he had other positive attributes. He behaved himself throughout and didn’t get grabby during the parting hug.

However the next day he called to tell me how attracted he was to me, how he had trouble sleeping because he kept thinking of me, then recounting in detail his erotic dream of us. Too much information!

I’ve become flummoxed at this too-much-sex-talk-too-soon approach, but am wondering if I’m just naive. Does this really work to bed women? Are a sufficient number of women horny enough to say, “Hey baby, let’s make your dream a reality!”? Do women really find this kind of down-and-dirty talk appealing when they barely know the guy?

These men are successful, educated, articulate 50- and 60-year-olds. Are they so hungry for sex that they don’t know they are repelling the women they intend to attract? Or do they intend to attract women who are quick to jump in bed with anyone who invites them? Has midlife dating become filled with dirty old men?

Are there really only a few of us who appreciate a gentleman who treats us like a lady? I am not a prude — there is a time and place for randy talk — but before, during or right after a first date isn’t it for me. Perhaps I’m out of step with wanting to actually have a close connection with someone first.

I asked a savvy, intelligent gentleman about this and he said, “Successful guys are now aware that they are in high demand. They are being very blunt about what they want. And the fact is that real ladies are diminishing and fast chicks are multiplying. You are losing the battle. Most guys don’t know how to speak to a lady and society/technology is only making it worse.”

Sigh.

Another successful, educated business exec/lawyer and I have been communicating for a month because he’s currently on a long business trip. We haven’t been overtly flirting, just talking by IM, not even voice. Yesterday, he sent me a naked pic of himself, unsolicited. I didn’t know quite how to respond, so just said “thanks.” He wrote back an irate email saying I was hiding because I didn’t send back naked pics of myself.

A-huh.

It seems the hunt for gentlemen is like trying to find white tigers. We know they’re out there, but we have to keep weeding out the common ones.

What’s your opinion about sexually explicit talk before, during or immediately after a first date? How have you responded when someone goes “there” too soon?
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For more information on what goes on in a midlife man’s brain (or what doesn‘t go on there!), get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors.

When someone likes another, the “liker” wants a lot of contact with the “likee.” However, if the ardor isn’t equal, the likee can feel smothered.

Case in point: I’m getting to know a new guy, thus far only by phone. He calls several times a day. Recently, I called him back from an airport and he asked me to call him when I got home so he knew I’d arrived safely.

While I appreciate his concern for my safety, I haven’t had to check in with someone about my safe arrival since I lived with my parents. So I didn’t. He left two voice mails when he thought I’d gotten home. I returned them the next day, as this wasn’t important to me and felt like a chore, not something I relished.

When one hasn’t yet even met a person, I think one call a day is sufficient — and even that can be overkill. I’ve been drawn into extensive text and IM conversations with guys before I’ve met them and have learned it’s usually a time sink. Yes, it can be fun and flirtatious, but if there’s no chemistry when you meet, then it’s all for naught.

The challenge is to assert one’s needs for not-so-frequent contact without hurting the other. If I’m not yet comfortable saying it outright, then I wait to respond, rather than replying instantly. Although if the liker isn’t astute enough to understand that too-frequent communication can be off-putting, he is not likely to get the subtlety of tardy responses.

When I am the stalker, er, I mean liker, and make too-frequent contact, I surmise that less-than-quick responses mean to lay off. I may be misinterpreting this as perhaps the person has been unable to respond. So if he responds enthusiastically, and with “I’m so bummed I couldn’t respond immediately,” that quells the doubts. But without that feedback, I look for the subtleties.

Have you felt smothered by a potential sweetie? If so, what did you do to dial it back a bit?

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Want to understand more signs that tell you a lot about a man before even meeting? Get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.

No one likes it when someone they are dating “plays games,” which is a nebulous description of someone trying to manipulate the other. (We’re not talking Monopoly, Bridge, or tennis here!) But very few people can articulate what constitutes a game. (However, it is commonly agreed that if an “attached,” [e.g., non-single] person acts as if they are unattached, s/he is “playing games.” Or if when asked “are you seeing someone else?” they respond, “no,” meaning “not at this very exact moment as I’m with you and she’s at home.”)

Some people consider arbitrary rules to be game playing. For example, women who won’t call men under any circumstance, or pay for a meal, or have an x-dates-before-sex criteria.

So when does setting boundaries cross the line to becoming a game? For example, although I understand why men offer me their phone number before I offer mine, I prefer to have him make the first move. So I respond with my number and invite him to call. My experience is that if I give him my number and he doesn’t call, he’s not that interested or doesn’t have the initiative I’m looking for. If I call him first, I never get a sense for either of these.

I also don’t like to be on the phone after 10:00 especially for the first few calls. For example, an initial call from a new man came in at 7:30 p.m. No problem. We chatted for 30 minutes, then he said he needed to do a quick errand and would call back absolutely no later than 9:00. No problem.

So when his call came in at 10:00, I sent it directly to voice mail. Could I have answered? Sure. But, 1) he was an hour later than he’d promised, which is not a good sign and 2) 10:00 on a work night is too late unless one knows the other is a night owl or has an already established relationship. If I’d answered, I’d be sending the signal that he doesn’t have to honor his promises and I’ll accept his calls whenever he dials. Nope. Not going there.

Is that playing games? Some would consider it so. Others would say I was setting a boundary of honoring my own needs first. Is this selfish? I don’t think so. If you bend your boundaries at the beginning of a relationship, a man will never learn to honor the ones that are important to you.

Does this mean you should be rigid? Not necessarily. But I’ve found when I waive my own boundaries, I’m in for a heap of trouble. He never believes any of my stated boundaries because I didn’t stand up for them (and for what I wanted/needed).

So what do you think is a “game” vs. a boundary? Have you ever purposefully played games in midlife dating? What did you do and why? What boundaries have you bent and what were the results? What haven’t you waived and are glad you didn’t?

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For other topics to consider when you begin dating, get your copy for you (or someone you love!), of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

Good-looking men are nearly always alluring. Some ruin it, however, when you spend time with them. Their good looks have made them arrogant, vain, insensitive and/or jerks. They are used to women treating them well even if they behave badly.

In an episode of “30 Rock” Jon Hamm played a handsome doctor who Tina Fey’s character described as living in a bubble. People bent over backwards for him, but he thought that was how all people were treated. He had no idea that the generosity he experienced wasn’t commonplace.

Other men use their good looks to manipulate others. Some are con artists, exemplified memorably by Brad Pitt’s character in “Thelma and Louise.” Not only did he seduce Geena Davis’ character, but he took all her money afterward.

So it’s refreshing when a good-looking man doesn’t know he is. He’s not so stunningly gorgeous that women throw themselves after him. But he’s handsome enough that you are happy to be seen on his arm.

I had a few dates recently with a man who was incredulous when I told him he was handsome. I don’t think it was false modesty, but he didn’t have the experience of women fawning over him. His humility, of course, increased his attractiveness.

Handsome men who don’t know it are the best beaus. You don’t have to pretend you find him attractive, yet if he doesn’t see himself through your eyes he’s appreciative of your perspective. Instead of taking your compliments for granted, “Yes, I am good looking,” he humbly thanks you.

Have you dated a handsome man who didn’t know it? How was the experience?

______________________

To better define your next special man, get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

I would have never predicted that this would be a problem in dating. But it was — for a friend of mine.

She was dating a few guys casually. On the fourth date with one, he bought her a large flat screen computer monitor. When asked why, he told her, “Because you need it.”

He did not get it on sale or discount. He is not a wealthy man, but isn’t impoverished either. She had not mentioned she longed for a large monitor. He noticed her smaller one and went out and bought it.

Normally, we’d adore a man who saw something that would improve our lives and acted on it — even without our mentioning it. But since this was only their fourth date, it was too much too soon. Besides, she wasn’t really interested in continuing to see him. She had no intention of accepting such an expensive gift (nearly $1000), but what if she had, then broke it off with him soon after? Not good for either party.

Some women say, “Hey, a man feels good about taking care of a woman, buying her presents he knows she’ll appreciate. So what if she stops seeing him? He’ll have had the joy of knowing he’s made her happy.”

While it’s true most men like to make a woman they care about happy, it’s also true that they can feel taken advantage of. Many men have complained to me about women who just see them as a walking wallet. But is this scenario different since she didn’t ask for, nor even mention wanting, a larger monitor?

I think other-than-small gifts early in a relationship can be trouble. I’ve received many small gifts from men I’m starting to date, but nothing over $50. Some were items I appreciated; others were just something the man picked up thinking any woman would like it. I’m not just any woman, so I’m generally hard to buy for. But I always appreciated his thoughtfulness and effort.

Have you had a man give you an expensive gift too early in your relationship? What did you do and why?

Men: How would you have felt if a woman refused a gift from you early on? What if she kept it then broke up with you?

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Want to know more info on how to casually date more than one person at a time — with integrity? Get your copy of Multidating Responsibly: Play the Field Without Being A Player.

Sometimes we find ourselves thinking about someone we would have liked to date, but it never came to be. You wonder how it might have turned out. If he’s still single, you wonder if you should reconnect. Or if he’s now a pal, if we should telegraph our romantic interest.

A colleague and I found ourselves single during the same time frame. We enjoyed each other’s conversations, but there was never any move to go out. We shared dating stories and cheered each other on. He was always attentive and complimentary, but he never intimated that he felt other than pals.

A year ago he started dating a woman and became engaged. I was glad he’d found someone who adored him as much as he did her.

I saw him recently and updated him on my dating status. He asked how many men I’ve now gone out with. When I told him 105, he said he wishes he’d been in the mix.

I was surprised since I knew he was in love with his fiancée. I had no idea he would have liked to go out with me. We live several states apart, so it would have been hard to date seriously. But his comment did make me think of others I would have liked to have dated, to see if it would have worked out.

Do you daydream about men who got away? That you would have liked to have dated but it didn’t happen for whatever reason? If so, have you made contact to see what might evolve? Tell us your story.
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Want to understand more about midlife dating? Get an autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? for yourself or a loved one. Great for holiday gifts!

Since humankind began, people have been trying to improve their allure. Yet it seems elusive for many, even though some elements seem obvious:

• Attractive appearance. A willingness to consciously make yourself appealing to those you want to attract. I have no idea, then, why so many online profiles feature hideous pictures. And even with a reasonable picture, why men show up unkempt apparently not passing a mirror before leaving their house or office.

• Pleasant personality. Charm can trump physical attractiveness. Being complimentary and nice pulls someone to you much more than insults and meanness. Yet millions of people haven’t seemed to learn this basic concept.

Yesterday a midlife gal pal and I were comparing dating stories. We  shared what we’ve gleaned that men seem to be drawn to. We examined our own dating success and felt it boiled down to a few key areas.

• The men were lonely and happy to have any pleasant, reasonably attractive woman’s company. We both qualified with these basic qualities.

But beyond this, we felt there were other behaviors comprising appeal that apparently few women have figured out.

• Actively listening. This may seem like a “duh,” but the truth is, not many people are truly good listeners, gently asking relevant questions that show interest. Few people have a natural curiosity when it comes to others. Some who do, ask questions that are intrusive or combative, rather than in a gently caring way. Most people respond positively to another who takes a genuine interest in them.

By actively listening you can learn a lot about someone. After a few email interactions and a few hours in person, a man told me that I knew more about him than most of his friends. I think I listened better and seemed more interested in him than his friends.

In a recent exploratory conversation, a 55-year-old man told me that he’d returned to school to sharpen his skills since he was laid off two years ago. He’d created a summer-focused business and I asked how he supported himself through the winter. He said, “With student loans.” That was enough to tell me we were at different places in our lives and I wasn’t interested in progressing.

• Eye contact. Again, this should be common sense. But I now know that many midlife people feel invisible, marginalized by the lack of people noticing them other than those obligated to do so. If you focus on someone during a conversation that is such an unusual and exhilarating experience for some they are immediately drawn to you.

During the break in my presentation recently, a man came up and asked me a question. He was sort of geeky looking, overweight, and bespectacled. I doubted many woman gave him much attention. I held eye contact during our brief conversation. After my speech, he came up and asked if he could help me pack up and continued to talk with me. I think the eye contact made him feel that someone had noticed him and this was a warm, wonderful, and unusual experience.

So allure can be simple. One does not have to have stunningly good looks to be alluring. Simple sincere behaviors can make you more attractive.

What else would you add to this short list of alluring elements?

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Want to know other ways to be engaging as you begin to connect with someone new? Get your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increase the Chance of a Second Date.

I’d deleted his contact info everywhere I could find it after he broke up with me via text 2 years ago. I was surprised to receive that text, as our 5-month relationship had been tumultuous, but I (wrongly) thought we were committed to working out our hiccups. Our last conversation two weeks later — via text because he refused to talk on the phone — didn’t go well. So I worked to heal the hurt and move on. We hadn’t had any contact since.

Last week my Yahoo email was compromised and apparently an email was sent to addresses that had ever gone through my account — including his. The malware email had no subject line and only a link in the body. Anyone who’s been on the Internet longer than a month knows this is a sign of a virus email and not to click the link.

The minute I saw the virus email cross my account, I hit “reply all” and a subject line of “My email has been compromised. Don’t open the last email.”

You guessed it. This paranoid, compulsively cautious, former law-enforcement officer opened the email with no subject or message from someone who hadn’t communicated with him in 2 years, and the last interaction was not good.

He clicked on the link. All sorts of bad things happened to his PC.

He felt compelled to write to me, blaming me for his stupidity, saying I should have deleted him from my address book (I had) and that I was to blame for his having to spend hours disinfecting his PC. And, he closed, “for both our sakes, delete me from your files.”

No problem. Good riddance.

Once a jerk, always a jerk.

Have you been surprised to receive contact from someone who you’d dated and it turned out badly? Tell us what happened.

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To read more about the vagaries of breaking up, get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

A DG reader shared that he learned his last girlfriend was currently married only after he proposed when she said she was pregnant.

It made me think of what else would be assuring to have someone prove before you got too involved. Of course, it would be considered rude to request the following — at least at the beginning — but it would certainly clarify any questions.

See what you’d add to this list:

• Driver’s license — I’ve only found out that one man gave me fictitious personal information, but I’ve sometimes wondered if a date was who he said he was. Or was the age he claimed, or lived where he stated. A quick look at his driver’s license would put at rest any doubts.

• Divorce decree — I’ve had married men tell me they weren’t when asked point blank. Honest people say they are separated when not divorced. Dishonest ones say they are divorced or widowed when they aren’t. Showing a divorce decree would prove their status — unless they’d gotten remarried in the interim.

• Credit score/tax returns/net worth statement — wouldn’t it be great if you could exchange documentation with your suitor to prove each other’s financial soundness? I’ve been drawn to people who, after investing months in a budding relationship, I learned are financially irresponsible.

Unfortunately, there’s not a document one can produce to show they aren’t a convicted felon, a cheater, or a pathological liar. I’ve dated the latter two and it took a while to figure out.

Of course, there is documentation that can show someone is STD free, but unfortunately few people ask to see it. If it comes up at all, people just say they are and the other accepts it. That’s just stupid. So even when documentation is possible, few ask for it.

What documents would you like to see — if there was actually a way to ask for it without being offensive — that would prove something about someone before you got too involved?
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Learn other things you should make sure you know before becoming too involved in the book, Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

I am a bit of a profession snob, tending to eschew men who I don’t feel have a similar job status. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true. I’ve tried dating blue collar men, and I’ve never found it worked well.

So you’ll be surprised to learn that I had a first date with someone on the other end of the career spectrum — a shepherd.

Where does one even find such a rarity? Online. No, there is not a ShepherdDatingCentral.com — although there is a site for dairy farmers in England.

He was a high-level manager in a high-profile company for 30 years before retirement. Which is when he took up shepherding. He’s educated, intelligent, articulate, cultured — he just happens to enjoy doing sheep herding and shearing demonstrations since it’s a bit of a dying art in the US.

He and I had been in contact for many months, emailing and talking on the phone, since we enjoyed each other’s conversation.

But as you can guess, he doesn’t live in a large city, as there is little call for shepherds there. So he lives in a remote part of the country, near which I was working recently. I told him of my upcoming visit and he said he’d drive the 2.5 hours to come meet me. I then shared that my dilemma was how to get from my client’s city to another remote town several hours from his, as a friend had invited me to visit her there. He offered to come fetch me (herd me?) and drive me — in a car, not running while being nipped at by his dogs — to her town, even though it would be a 5 hour drive from where I was working, and another 2 hours home for him.

He — and his two Border collies — arrived at the appointed time and we embarked on our adventure. He regaled me with stories of the gentleman shepherd’s life (he lives in a comfortable house on acreage where his sheep graze and he and the collies sleep inside, of course). I learned all I could hold about lambing, shearing, herding, tagging and selling sheep. Luckily, he had a broad range of conversation topics so we ebbed and flowed easily. The five hours passed quickly.

When I shared with a friend of his offering to drive me the five hours, she seemed incredulous that someone would do this for a stranger. I responded, “I have some allure.” Afterward she asked how it was. I told her it was fun and that he said it was the highlight of his month, she responded, “Must be a slow month.” Aren’t friends grand?

Will I see the shepherd again? We live too far apart to try to strike up a romance. If we are in each other’s neighborhood, we could have dinner. But he is much more of a mountain man than I am a mountain woman. While I enjoy the outdoors, I don’t relish camping and long hikes, nor am I fond of cold. So we will remain pals.

Have you dated someone in a profession that you thought you’d never consider? How did it work out?

___________________

Want to understand how to meet interesting men online? Get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

A reader wrote:

“I am overweight — not morbidly obese but overweight. I mention in my profile that I am a bit overweight. I have yet to progress from one initial email with anyone. I feel as if it is impossible to get a date with anyone when you are overweight — am I wrong? Should I not mention it and lie like everyone else? This is so frustrating.”

First, I’m glad you’re honest in your profile. I’ve met for coffee too many men who listed themselves as “athletic” or “average” when they were 80 pounds overweight. I think honesty is important.

However, you can safely say “a few extra pounds” in your profile and people know that means 10-30 pounds. If you say “big and beautiful” that usually means over 50 pounds extra.

The best way is to post a recent, full-length pic of you in something that is flattering. Many men have a shape they are attracted to, even if that shape has extra padding.

You ask if it’s impossible to get a date with anyone when you’re overweight. I am a living example that you can — in fact, men will not only go out with you, but will find you attractive and sexy. It’s not so much the pounds, but how you dress to play up your strengths and how you stand and walk. If you move with confidence, many will overlook some larger-than-normal curves.

If you don’t know how to do this, make an appointment with a personal shopper in a store that has your size clothing. Tell her you’re starting to date and buy one outfit in which you feel attractive. Also visit the makeup counter and tell the rep you want a new, updated look as you’re starting to date. Tell your hair stylist you want something that makes you look and feel cute and sexy.

Knowing that some men like larger women, join a site like www.bbwpersonalsplus.com or www.largeandlovely.com. You may be surprised by how much attention you get if you post attractive photos.

Don’t let extra pounds get in the way of your dating life. It hasn’t slowed me down and you don’t have to either.

What have you done to not let something you feel could be a liability get in the way of your dating life?

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Need help realizing why you’d be attractive t a man? Get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

There are lulls in dating life when you have no active prospects. You’ve moved to the “friends” category anyone who’s contacted you in the past. No one interesting has appeared on the horizon.

For most daters, this is their most frequent experience, lingering, perhaps checking online sites for new arrivals. But either no one contacts us or returns our emails.

So we cool our jets, not giving up our desire to have someone special in our lives, but feeling we’ve done everything we’re willing to do for the time being. We know there are other activities in which we could engage if we were being aggressive in our search. But right now, singles dances and matchmakers feel like more work than we’d like.

We try to not drop into a defeatist mentality, succumbing to the oft-chanted mantra of others whose cynicism has taken over: “The good ones are all taken or gay,” “The only ones left in the dating pool are losers” (which, by definition, means we must be in that category since we’re still available).

If you find yourself in a lull, buck up. Enjoy your opportunity to be self-focused (or as much as you can if you have kids at home). You get to do whatever you want, without concerning yourself with anyone else’s feelings or desires. You get to eat in bed, wear your ratty night clothes, not shave your legs — if you want.

However, don’t let your self-absorbed habits become too engrained. Be mindful that you will want to repair your slovenliness once you have someone else in your life.

But for now, enjoy. Get to know yourself even better. Find out what you really like to do. See this time as a chance to spread your wings, unencumbered with concern for a partner.

What have you done during dry spells to keep your spirits up about finding a sweetie?

_____________________

Want more info on what to expect once you dive into dating? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping

I’d read data that said 50% of men listed on dating sites never get one contact from women.

Yet my experience is that men rarely respond to my being the one who makes the initial contact, or for the few who do, it’s nearly all “thanks but no thanks.”

So I decided to set up an experiment. Granted, it’s not very scientific, as I only posted one profile and set of pictures. Had I been more scientific, I would have posted various ones to see if it was my looks or writing that was alluring or repelling.

For the last 3 months, I’ve regularly emailed men I thought had some chance of being a match. The results are dismal.

I emailed 100 men, all within a 50-mile radius. I met their age, height, education and body-shape criteria.

Out of the 100 men, 47 looked at my profile, sometimes more than once.

Ten sent a “Thanks, but I’ve just started seeing someone and want to see if it works out” email. Has this become the new standard message for “We’re not a match”?

One struck up an email and phone conversation and we met for a drink. We were not a match.

So what’s up with this data? If men rarely receive contact from a women, why would 53% of them not even look at my profile? Were they already seeing someone but haven’t hidden or removed their profile? Too busy to even look at what someone sent them?

Ten percent had the decency to acknowledge my overture. I believe if someone has taken the time to reach out, I owe them at least a response. Obviously, that’s not a common feeling.

People ask me if I’ve been successful with online dating. I always say it depends on your definition of “success.” In this example, I had a 99% failure rate — 100% if you count the guy I met that wasn’t a match. Is that success? In the past, I’ve met nearly all my guys through dating sites. Some have become beaus. Most were one-meeting only encounters. Is that success?

My feeling is I would have gone out with many fewer men if I depended on the “natural” way of meeting in a class, at a coffee shop, or through friends. These methods have resulted in nearly no dates. So online dating has allowed me to meet many more men, with some working out at least for a while.

So what’s a woman to do who wants to be proactive rather than wait for a man who interests her to make contact? I will still email interesting men, just not as diligently now knowing the odds. It is frustrating to realize that men still like to initiate, yet my experience reflects that with nearly all of my beaus being the first contacters.

Gals, what’s your experience with being the initiator online? Did you have good luck with that? Men, how do you feel about women who contact you? Are you flattered or is it a turn off?
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I’ve just learned that Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 is one of the few blogs read by bestselling author Gina Barreca. She lists http://www.DatingGoddess.com in her recent article, “Everybody Blogs.”

If you want more info on what to expect from online dating, get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

I like to think of myself as a generally positive person, but I have my pet peeves. Self-absorption is one of them, although I’m guessing I can act in ways that seem self-centered to others.

Over the last few years, I’ve noticed others acting in ways that seem narcissistic. The visitors to the church next to my house who park extending two feet into my driveway. The woman at exercise class who put her bag on top of mine along the wall, meaning I would have to move it when I needed to get my weights out, when there was plenty of other space available for her to put her bag.

However, it’s in the dating world that this self-focus can be glaring. In the span of a week, two men who have shown interest in me have committed what I consider egregious acts of selfish behaviors.

Last week I hosted a small pot luck dinner party. Potential suitor #1 called a few days before to RSVP and asked what he could bring that didn’t require cooking, since he doesn’t cook. I suggested he bring a few bottles of wine, explaining no one else had volunteered that. He thought that was a superb idea and said he’d see me two days hence.

The appointed gathering time came and went. The other guests arrived with their contribution One brought a bottle of wine. After waiting an hour, we decided to eat without Suitor #1. I checked my cell phone numerous times thinking he would call to explain his absence. He never did. Not that evening, the next day, nor yet.

I scratch my head wondering how could someone who knew they had a key component to a small collaborative dinner party fail to arrive, and then to not even call to explain himself. Might he have had some emergency? I am tempted to call, but think he would have reached out if this were so. If/when he ever does call, I have my first words ready: “I’m glad you’re out of the coma, as that’s the only acceptable explanation for your not showing up for a small soiree to which you knew you were bringing a key component.” I doubt he’ll call back after that.

Today, another example occurred. Potential Suitor #2 and I have met several times and speak regularly even though we live 1000 miles apart. He’s flown to visit me a few times. On an upcoming trip, I was going to be changing planes in his city, so before I booked the ticket I called and asked if he wanted to rendezvous and if so, I’d arrange for a very early flight into his city, and a later-than-needed flight to my destination. He thought that was great, telling me he knew the perfect restaurant where we could linger for hours and enjoy each other’s company.

I sent him my itinerary with flight information.

I texted him when my flight landed telling him I’d arrived. Nothing back. I called when I exited the secure area. Voice mail. I texted again, nothing. Called again. Voice mail. I waited 30 minutes and tried again. I decided he forgot or changed his plans and forgot to tell me. I entered the long security line and headed toward the gates. I had 4.5 hours to kill.

Two hours after our appointed meeting time he called. He had forgotten. He apologized profusely and said he’d be right out to the airport, a 30-minute drive. I said I was very upset, as I’d gotten up at 4:00 to take the earlier flight when I could have taken a later one. I’d been waiting for him for 2 hours. He shouldn’t bother coming as I wasn’t in the mood. He said he understood why I was upset and apologized again. We hung up.

We all make mistakes. We forget. We’re not as organized as we should be and something slips. I’m willing to forgive if it happens once in a blue moon, but only if the person has some deposits in their Bank of Grace. Both these men had made promises in the past they hadn’t kept. Usually that’s enough for me to cut ties. They are both intelligent, articulate, fun, and good conversationalists. I gave them grace in the past. But these transgressions are the nails in the coffin.

We all know that someone’s behavior screams the kind of person they are. Yet if we like them, we allow them grace, which can be kind. However, if their self-absorption happens way too often, no matter how interesting they are, we have to respect ourselves enough to not let their less-than-thoughtful behavior stand. We have to cut the ties or they will continue, as it’s doubtful their behavior will change.

__________________

To see what other head-scratchers you may encounter, get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors.

Have you ever daydreamed about an old sweetheart from decades ago? What’s he up to now? Is he single? What’s he look like? If you connected, would the spark still be there?

My cousin reconnected with his high school love during their 40th reunion. They had remained close after they broke up in high school, even being in the wedding party for each other’s first marriages! They had lost touch and hit it off again instantly at the reunion. Both were single again. She said she’d love to keep in touch, so he called the next week. The 10-hour drive didn’t keep them apart. He began to woo her and a year later, they were married.

Years ago, when I was married, I got a call from a man I lived with for a year right out of college. He sounded just as stoned as he generally was when we were together, but he was 40 when he called, divorced and with a child. I had no interest in seeing him again.

I also heard from a college sweetheart about a decade ago. He is 8 years older than me, but when he sent his picture, I didn’t recognize him. He looked so old! Solid gray hair and beard, significant weight gain. I wondered what he’d think of how his 21-year-old love had turned out.

A man I had a crush on in high school recently looked at my profile on Match.com. He’s still good looking and has a successful business. I waited a few days and since he didn’t connect, I sent him a friendly, “let’s catch up” email. He responded, but no overture to get together. He’s looked at my profile several times since, but I won’t be initiating contact again. I remember him as a good guy with an easy smile. I am curious to see if he has the same solid character he did as a teenager.

Have you considered rekindling a relationship with a high school or college sweetie? Have you ever actually met with someone you went with then? If so, what happened?

________________

Get your autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? Order yours today!

A long-time reader asked me to address a sensitive, yet not uncommon midlife dating issue — middle-aged sex and erectile dysfunction.

He asks, “How do you handle an attempt at sex that doesn’t work? How do you decide if this is a man you want to continue to see or is this a red flag?”

Can we talk? We are adults so we’re going to use adult words.

There is lots written about Viagra and ED, but what I’ve read is mostly written for long-time partners where there is a strong bond and, one would hope, a willingness to discuss this sort of thing and find a solution that works for both parties.

However, in dating, even after dating a while, there may not be that bond. Which then complicates the matter.

Men, in my experience, equate their masculinity to their ability to satisfy their woman in bed. (Or at least to do what he thinks satisfies his woman, whether it actually does or not.) In fact, some women feel similarly — if a man can’t satisfy her in bed, he’s not fully a man, even if he takes care of the family financially, contributes equally to family chores, is active in family activities, and otherwise shows he’s an emotionally mature partner.

So a man’s ability to perform in bed takes on enormous weight — sometimes for both partners.

If he has some instances of ED there is more pressure. He knows he may not be able to get or keep an erection. He feels like a failure. He may blame the woman for not being sexy enough, or for not trying to arouse him, even though she has done her “job” in these areas previously. A beau broke up with me soon after his inability to perform. I got the impression he blamed me for this, even though I tried to be supportive.

So they go in search of the magic pill — this time a blue one. They think this will suddenly make him an unquenchable sex machine. After all the commercials say something about erections lasting more than 4 hours — “Think of all the fun we could have in 4 hours!” one or both of them fanaticize.

What they don’t know is that the blue pill works with some men and not others. A former beau told me he had ED and so we tried Viagra. Didn’t work. My beau felt like a horrible failure. It really affected his self-esteem.

Also, it’s expensive. The aforementioned DG reader said he bought a 10-pill prescription for $220! So it’s the price of a movie for the two of you. Not too bad, unless your $22 habit is every day and you are out of a job right now.

Both parties seem to expect miracles. One or both of them think he just pops it and within minutes he has his 19-year-old libido back. Well, it doesn’t increase desire. It doesn’t cause an erection. All it does is allow more blood to flow into the penis, but a man still needs to feel aroused. In many cases Viagra is needed simply because there has been vascular damage and blood flow is diminished.

Some men wonder if a women might think if he needs Viagra to have sex, he isn’t attracted to her. If a woman is astute, she understands the biology of the situation. If she isn’t, she may take it personally and feel he’s not into her enough for her to arouse him without the aid.

So what to do if you’re dating someone who isn’t able to perform? If you are connected enough to attempt the horizontal tango, you should be connected enough to talk about it sensitively and supportively. Tell him you know this is uncomfortable for most men and you wouldn’t mind at all experimenting with some pharmaceutical aid. If appropriate, offer to split the cost, although be careful as some men will find that adding insult to injury. So know your man before offering and don’t if you think he’ll be even more humiliated.

This would also be a great time to bring up your own needs, if you haven’t yet. Midlife women often need help to either get in the mood or make the experience more satisfying. Speak up so he knows he’s not the only one who could use some other aids.

This discussion will most likely bring you closer together. If it doesn’t and he gets defensive or goes poof, oh well. You’ve saved yourself from further involvement with a man who’s not emotionally mature enough to talk about solutions to issues around aging. You don’t want to spend another nanosecond of your precious time with someone like that.

Have you been in a relationship where ED was present? How did you and your partner discuss and deal with it? What worked and what didn’t?

__________________

Want to know what else you should know before venturing into midlife sex? Get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

Weeks ago my friend mentioned his brother was coming into town for a few days to celebrate my friend’s birthday. My pal said he’d like his brother to meet me. “You’ll like him” he declared. Since I like my pal a lot, I thought if his brother is like him, yes I would enjoy that.

The weeks passed without further mention of this – no invitation to join them on any outing; no set time to rendezvous.

A few evenings ago, I heard my friend’s familiar doorbell ring pattern beckoning me to answer. There he was, with said brother, saying they’d just gone to the market and did I want to come over for dinner. Normally, I’d jump at an offer for someone else’s cooking, but I’d just taken my week’s dinners off the grill. Since I had abundance, I offered for them to join me for dinner.

The brother was shorter than me, lived an 8-hour drive away and immediately began calling me “Sweetie,” something I deplore as a sooner-than-earned privilege. I endured his turning the conversation back to himself throughout dinner, and in the course of the discussion, learned he was single. They invited me to join them the next day, along with my friend’s girlfriend, for the birthday dinner, saying how much fun I’d have and how they’d love to have me there.

Now the brother’s occasional flirts began to make sense! My friend was trying to fix us up!

It felt like in college, coupled friends suggested I go along with them and a guy friend of theirs to an outing. It wasn’t as if they thought we’d be a good match; just someone to entertain their pal so they wouldn’t feel awkward being a couple with him. Rarely did these events go well. Generally, they were excruciating. I put up with someone either too shy to be engaging, clearly disinterested in getting to know me despite my trys to start conversations, or too aggressively horny to keep his hands to himself.

So I declined the brother’s invitation for the next day. I wondered if I was being selfish to not want to share in my friend’s birthday activities. But then I thought, if it were important to him for me to be there, he would have asked beforehand.

Have you been fixed up by a friend? How did it go?

_____________________

My recent interview with Speeddate.com is now available for reading.

Hi Dating Goddess,

I’m dating someone I’m very attracted to, and we have lots of good chemistry on a variety of levels. The only issue I feel the need to question is the way she kisses.

When I move in close to kiss her, she appears to retreat within herself and becomes passively accepting. She barely moves a muscle to kiss me back, so I feel like I’m kissing someone who is asleep. I’ve tried kissing her all kinds of ways — soft & hard, lips & tongue, dry & wet, shallow & deep, high & low, short & long, and yet she just doesn’t reciprocate. She’s otherwise a very sensitive and sensual person, and she says that connection and intimacy are important to her. She says she quite likes me and that she’s turned on when we kiss.

I had a therapist once who said this kind of behavior could be indicative of some kind of previous sexual abuse, so I wonder if that could be something. We haven’t been dating long, so it’s entirely possible she hasn’t told me of some traumatic experience in her past. Or maybe she’s just shy or just doesn’t like the way I kiss.

Equal participation and reciprocation is important to me in all areas of a relationship, and I feel that passive kissing is generally a bad sign that a person is not assertive enough to handle their side of the equation. It may be too early to have that discussion with her, but it’s the backdrop of why this is important to me.

I want to address this passive kissing before we go much further. I’m able to bring up “difficult” topics, I just don’t know how to approach this one. My first guess says be straight-forward and positive, “I enjoy kissing you, and I would love it if you kissed me back.” But that sounds kinda blunt.

Another approach is potentially invasive, “I notice that when I kiss you, you seem to freeze up. I’m wondering where you go when that happens and what your thoughts are.”

Any advice greatly appreciated, thanks!

William

Hi William:

How about starting just a tad softer with something like, “I love the sensuality of kissing and get quite turned on when my woman also seems to enjoy it. What’s your perspective on kissing?” Then you’re inviting her to share. You can even say, “What kind of kissing do you like?”

I’ve dated men who’s kisses didn’t turn me on or that actually turned me off. I said to one man overtly, “Let me show you how I like to be kissed.” That lasted a little while, but then we stopped seeing each other, but it wasn’t only about kissing.

So if you like her and feel it’s worth the effort, open the conversation!

DG

Readers, what advice do you have for William?

______________________

For more info on dealing with challenging difficult dating situations, get your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

A recent article shared conclusions from researchers at UC Berkeley’s School of Information. The paper “Self-presentation and Deception in Online Dating” found pretty much what we’ve known all along. For example:

• Men are more likely to make the first move, sending that first “wink” or email. They’re quicker to respond to women’s queries.
• Women responded to only 16 percent of messages, and they take longer to respond.
• Both genders seek partners similar to themselves in age, education, height, religion, politics and views about smoking.
• Women are less open-minded, at least regarding ethnicity. They’re twice as likely as men to specify that they’re seeking someone of their own ethnicity.
• Both sexes tell white lies. Men say they are a half-inch taller. Women shave five pounds off their weight.
• Women’s profiles related more to home, sex and emotions; men’s profiles talked about work.
• A photograph is the dominant predictor of whether men will connect. Women value narratives in profiles in addition to pictures.

Some of this information was garnered by content analysis of people’s actual online behavior. They tracked people’s actions (who initiated contact, how long it took to respond, words in profiles). But they must have interviewed daters to get the info on what was attractive in a profile, their true height and how much they really weighed.

In another study reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, published by a team from Harvard Business School, Boston University and MIT, the conclusion was that less is more in how much is shared in a profile. Their reasoning: when a lot of information is exchanged, more differences are exposed and there is less attraction.

Now this conclusion I found interesting. I am not drawn to men who say nearly nothing in their profiles. I want to know what’s important to them.It is true that some of them disclose things that prompt an immediate delete but I think that is good that I don’t waste time on people who share something I find repelling. I share a lot in my profile, even though I know most men don’t read much of a woman’s profile. I want those who do to know as much about me as can be shared in a written essay.

What do you think of these two studies? Anything here but common sense?
__________________

Want information on how to be successful with online dating? Get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

In midlife dating, we repeatedly hear, “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.” At this point in our lives most of us have wrinkles, sags and perhaps even some scars or skin discolerations. Yet it takes a lot, usually, to look beyond the surface image.

So what do you do when someone has a facial feature that absorbs much of your attention? How do you see the person who lies beneath?

I recently had the opportunity to share a small-group dinner table conversation with a man who deals with this every day.

Ngahi Bidois

Ngahi Bidois is a New Zealand Maori motivational speaker. His face is mostly covered with an intricate traditional Maori  tattoo called ta moko.

At first, I found myself stealing glances not wanting to stare. But in a small group, I could look closely at the pattern while he conversed with others. However, I noticed how quickly my fascination with his facial tattoo waned and soon I began to focus on his expressive and soft brown eyes and engaging smile. His spirit, heart, humor and intelligence emerged delightfully. In no time, I found I didn’t even notice the inked design.

In “Yummy is as yummy does” I talk about how a man’s attractiveness increases as his kindness, thoughtfulness, humor and caring emerge. He may not be traditionally handsome, but becomes yummier as a special personality is revealed. Yet, most of us don’t have to put this concept to the test as frequently as Ngahi does.

Sometimes I can remember to look beyond the surface, but I admit I also fall prey to deleting online profiles of men who sound good when reading their description, but their pictures aren’t “my type.” It’s a common complaint that daters don’t give others a chance if they don’t look appealing. It’s also a common fear that when you meet someone for that first coffee encounter, they will turn on their heel without even saying hello once they see you.

Ngahi is a great reminder of how we can miss out on a treasure if we make too-quick decisions based on only surface signs. By the end of dinner, I was marveling at how handsome he was. (He’s married, so not a potential date, but the lesson is still a good one.)

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To better understand how dating midlife men is different, get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors.

On our first date, as we walked to his car, he said, “I’ll open the door for you, but don’t get used to this.”

I asked why.

“Because I don’t usually open the door for women. In six months, I will have stopped and you’ll think something is wrong. Nothing’s wrong. It’s just not my habit to open the door for a woman. And I’m too old to develop new habits.”

“I know from our conversations that you are a man who strives for personal continuous improvement. So if you were really into a woman and your opening the door for her was important to her, I bet you’d work to make that a habit.”

“That’s true” he admitted. “But I’ve learned not to over promise on things that just aren’t in my nature to keep up over time. It creates expectations that I’m not likely to meet. And that creates disappointment.”

“That makes sense. You don’t want to pretend to be someone you’re not.”

“Exactly. For example, I’ve learned to give only a 10-minute massage. I used to give an hour, but then the woman would expect an hour’s massage each time. I can do 10 minutes frequently, but I can’t do an hour.”

I appreciated his candor, even though I also appreciate chivalry. It made me wonder about what each of us does early on in a relationship that is for show — to ingratiate ourselves to the other. I looked back on my own behaviors to see how I can be different in the early stages of a relationship than after we’ve been together a while.

In all honesty, I think I’ve been nicer in the early stages, not saying when something bothered me. I don’t know if it was insecurity that the guy might not like me, or just feeling that it wasn’t polite to say something. Now I’m more confident and more assertive. I don’t put up with the BS I used to.

What have you observed yourself doing — or not doing — that you changed as you got to know someone? Have you purposefully learned to not try to be someone you’re not when you know you’ll revert to your true self in short order? Have you experienced someone who put on behaviors at first, but then dropped them as you got to know each other?

___________________

Want to know more about what to expect when reentering the dating pool? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

“I will only date a woman who video chats” my tech-savvy friend declared.

“What if she is like me, and doesn’t video chat because no one looks good webcasting?”

“It would take a lot for me to want to start dating a woman who doesn’t do video.”

“Some of us are too vain!”

“Let me ask you this: would video chatting have prevented you from wasting a lot of time talking to men who, when you met them, looked nothing like their pictures?”

“Of course. There are those who post only pictures from decades ago.”

“And when you met them, didn’t you wonder about their judgment to post decades-old pics, but not recent ones, thinking they still looked like that?”

“Absolutely!”

“Did any of those men who didn’t match their pics ever make it beyond a coffee date?”

“No.”

“There you have it!”

“However, I will also say I’ve eliminated men who one-way video chatted with me because they let their hair down, so to speak. Maybe I was being too picky.”

“Or maybe you were saving yourself several hours of meeting someone who would go nowhere.”

“But no one looks good on video chat! The lighting is bad, the angle is bad. I don’t want to have to do my hair and makeup every time someone wants to video chat!”

“But look at the time it would save you from meeting up with men who aren’t appealing!”

I guess my friend is right. But I’m still not keen on suggesting it. I’ve had men ask me if I’ll video chat and I’ve always declined. Some of them have chatted one way, which is a little odd. It’s not too bad if you’ve already met and have an idea of what they look like in person.

What do you think about video chatting before meeting? Good idea or bad?
_________________

For more info on ways to determine if you should meet, get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates,

Bulging biceps. Chiseled pecs. Taut tushes.

The gym is part of their daily regimen.

They look great in — or out of — their clothes.

I describe these guys as”hunkalicious.”

Sometimes the only muscles they’ve developed are below the neck. Holding an extended conversation about anything of intellectual value is a challenge.

But sometimes they have the whole package. Buff and brainy. Fit and funny. Athletic and articulate.

This was the description of #103 who I met a few days ago. He is a refreshing mix of uncommon characteristics. I was initially drawn to him because of his online pictures, and his profile revealed a well-spoken man. I was pleased that the man in person was thoughtful, respectful and easy going.

I, too, have stereotyped buff men. I’ve thought they wouldn’t be interested in me because I’m not buff and wouldn’t want to spend a lot of time in the gym, although I do exercise.

I’m actually glad to find out I’m wrong in those assumptions.

What assumptions have you made about men’s values, priorities and intellectual capacity based on their rippling muscles?

______________________

Explore what you’d like in your next mate in the book In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

• Three dates.

• One month.

• Ten dates.

• Three months.

I’ve heard all these as people’s criteria for when to first get intimate with a new love.

A pal recently shared that he has been taken aback by some women’s arbitrary time line for intimacy. He once dated a woman who, on their 4-month anniversary, announced it was time for them to have sex — that night! They did. He said it felt mechanical because they hadn’t built the emotional connection that he sought to make it fulfilling.

Do you have such a time line? Or do you just have certain parameters, like “never on a first date,” or “whenever it feels right”?

I don’t have suggestions for when you “should” get naked with your sweetie for the first time. I’ve learned I need to feel a significant emotional connection, not just a physical one. And I need to trust that he won’t just disappear afterwards — not that there needs to be a spoken commitment. A pledge of exclusivity is important, although I’ve had that with a past beau and he still cheated on me.

The important thing is for you to know what you need to proceed to this step in the relationship. An arbitrary time line isn’t usually enough. You could date someone for months and still not have the emotional connection you feel you need. However, I would be skeptical if you say you have a significant enough emotional connection after just a week or so. That’s usually the brain’s chemicals tricking you into thinking you have more than is likely after such a short time. So even if you feel that you are soul mates by the end of week two, an arbitrary wait period of, say a month, then would be wise. A lot can happen in those ensuing two weeks.

Some experts suggest 3 months is long enough for a man to show his true self and for you to see him without his best wooing self put forward. My experience corroborates this. Usually by 90 days, the chinks in his armor begin to show and you can see if you can live with those or not. So before you’ve gotten physically entwined, you have a better sense of the man. Because once you share horizontal happiness, the relationship usually shifts dramatically. As the aforementioned pal expressed, “The flood gates of expectations open and a man can drown in what rushes forth unabated.”

Yes, we women generally do have expectations once whoopee has been made. That is if we didn’t perceive the encounter as just a fling. So we need to see that the man is someone we’re interested in being with and he’s shown he’s interested in being with us.

So examine your own criteria. Ask yourself why you have determined that you would be ready to have sex at a certain point. You may stick to those boundaries, or you may decide they are really just arbitrary. If the latter, make a list of what you need to feel comfortable before becoming intimate.
_________________
To explore more things to consider before having sex with someone you’re dating, get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

The doctor in my exercise class is always off a beat. He enthusiastically flails his arms and legs — if occasionally in time with music it is by mere accident. I wonder how it would be to be coupled with a highly intelligent man who had no rhythm and no consciousness that his body is moving very differently than our instructor.

We all have an idea of our perfect mate. Perhaps he’s artistic, articulate, rational, a great dancer, musically adept, introspective, appreciative of nature, and a great communicator.

If you want all of the above, good luck. As they represent competency in each of the 8 intelligences Harold Gardner presented in his 1983 theory on multiple intelligences.

• Spatial
• Linguistic
• Logical-mathematical
• Kinesthetic
• Musical
• Interpersonal
• Intrapersonal
• Naturalist

You say, “But the description above is just of well-rounded person. Nothing really grandiose.” Perhaps. It depends on the level of proficiency you desire in each of the intelligences. If you want someone with a 10 in each, you are living in a fantasy.

Most of us have one dominant intelligence, according to Gardner’s hypothesis. Or perhaps two. You may be average at a few. And one or more that just aren’t a strength.

Take a stab at rating yourself on a 1-10 scale on each of the intelligences listed above. If you are a concert pianist, you would be a 10 in the musical intelligence. A Ph.D. in mathematics, no doubt a 10 in logical/mathematical. An architect — spatial. (More examples at Wikipedia.)

For example, I’d give myself an 8 or 9 for linguistic since I’m a writer and speaker. I’d give myself a 6 at kinesthetic since I’m a reasonable dancer, but would never qualify for “So You Think You Can Dance.”

After you’ve subjectively rated yourself, now rate your ideal mate in these 8 areas. If you’re an 8 on kinesthetic, would you be willing to couple with a 3? If you’re a 4 in logical/mathematical would you see yourself with a 9?

Of course, you can fall in love with someone who has polar opposite natural skill sets. In fact, some schools teach to all 8 intelligences to get kids to improve their appreciation of each, and perhaps their skill level. So if you have two left feet, will you ever be an exceptional dancer? Probably not. But if you continue to develop your skills you will at least be better — and your 8-level kinesthetic partner will enjoy your dance outings even more.

Appreciate not only your various intelligences as well as your date’s. However, know which ones you require and which ones you can live with if he’s not as good as you.

But if your partner insists that you engage in activities that come naturally to him and are hard and thus not enjoyable to you, best to communicate that you won’t be joining him in that activity. If he insists, that’s a sign it’s time to put your foot down — or out the door.

________________

Want to explore more about the make up of your next mate? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne? today!

When you think of Peanuts’ Lucy and the football, you see a comic strip series where Charlie Brown, the ever hopeful and trusting soul, believes Lucy when she tells him — once again — that she’ll hold the ball for him to kick. Every time — for decades — she pulls the ball away at the last minute, causing Charlie to land hard on his backside. No matter how much she’s promised him she won’t, she does.

In dating, I’m surprised by how many men think it’s perfectly okay to pull out the football in many ways. It can be as simple as he says he’ll call on a certain day and he doesn’t. While you might not sit by the phone waiting (as you may have when younger), if you have any connection with him you look forward to the call.

But it doesn’t come. He may (or may not) text or call later, saying he got tied up. This may (or may not) be accompanied by an apology.

Or he tells you he’ll meet you at 7:00 and 7:15 comes and goes with no notification of his lateness. He may appear (or not) and explain it away (or not). He may apologize, but often there is no mention of his tardiness, let alone an apology.

Perhaps he suggests hanging out together this Saturday. He says he’ll call you Saturday morning to confirm. When you don’t hear from him by noon, you call him so you can determine your afternoon’s schedule. “Oh,” he tells you, “a friend called and we’re going motorcycle riding for the day.”

Yes, all these examples are of rude, thoughtless, self-centered behaviors. But can so many men be so inconsiderate?

A male pal explained that when a man says, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow” he’s not so much making a commitment, but more expressing a possibility. I, and many of the people with whom I pal around, believe your word is your bond. You don’t say you’re going to do something and then not do it unless you communicate and renegotiate with the person to whom you’ve committed.

I know in today’s society this is a rarity.

For those of us who expect someone to follow through with what they say, we behave as if the promise will come through. So if a man invites me to dinner, I’ll determine what I’m going to wear and make sure it’s clean and pressed. I’ll plan my chores to make sure I have the evening free with no pressing duties to distract me. I’ll wash and curl or straighten my hair so it looks and smells good. While not obsessing, I imagine how much fun it is to be with him and perhaps think of some topics I want to share.

Then, boom, the call half-hour before I’m to leave, telling me he’s tied up and has to reschedule. The football was pulled out just as I was beginning to kick it.

While we can all occasionally have unexpected situations occur that make us need to reschedule our social calendar, if it happens more than once in a short time, I see it as his 1) lack of respect for me, 2) inability to manage his life, 3) belief that this is an okay way to treat people and/or 4) absence of real interest in me.

I’ve let men with whom I’ve been smitten  pull the ball out numerous times. I gave them too much grace. And it hurt more than my tush. Now, I look for the signs much more quickly. If, on the second occurrence I state my displeasure and he responds that I should be more flexible or spontaneous, I know that he and I have very different values.

Then I take my football to play with someone who respects the players and follows the same rules of good sportsmanship.

________________

What else should you look for as you start to date again? Get more information in Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

With apologies to Queen (but without the violence of their song), I share that another one bites the dust. Number 102. The result of my latest foray into Match.com.

After a few email exchanges, we talked for an hour and I mentioned the next evening I was going to a public street fair within walking distance of my house. He said, “I may go to that and look for you.” Uh huh. Great way to set up something certain, as 30,000 people attend this event.

He called me from the event and asked if I was there yet. I said I was leaving in 15 minutes. He said he’d “look for me.” Right. In a crowd of thousands you’re going to find someone you’ve never met. I didn’t press for a more certain location, as I figured he must not be too interested if he didn’t want to set a specific spot.

Ten minutes later he called to say he was in a nice bar and had a table. Finally, some certainty! A plan! What a concept. I said I’d be there in a few minutes.

He was smart, tall, educated and successful. But I’m afraid we just didn’t have enough in common. In fact, we are polar opposites politically, not that I don’t enjoy a spirited discussion. But I’m not fond of arguments that aren’t likely to yield either of us changing our opinions.

He wasn’t odious or disrespectful and even bought me a glass of wine. But his regular interjection of curse words and his repeating himself grew tiring. He did ask me a few questions, and I interjected my thoughts when he didn’t.

The drink evolved to a light dinner at an inexpensive ethnic restaurant down the street. When the bill came, I got out my wallet, as my male buddies have coached me to do on a first encounter. He said my share was $14. OK. That’s usually a screaming sign that there’s no interest in a repeat rendezvous.

We walked back to where our destinations required a split. He hugged me and said, “Talk to you soon.” Which generally means, “Have a nice life.” Which is okay, as I wasn’t really feeling it either.

One of the hardest things about midlife dating is keeping your optimism in the face of a number of going-nowhere encounters. The interaction isn’t horrible, it’s just not great. Ambivalence. It’s the all-too-common reality of this exercise. So I keep my hopes up and respond to the next man knocking on my in-box.

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One of the benefits of online dating is it allows you to get to know several people concurrently and not be considered a two-timer. Learn how to ethically go out with several people in Multidating Responsibly: Play the Field Without Being A Player.

After one has been dating for a while, the excitement and novelty of meeting new people wears off. Couple that with too many one-time-only encounters, and you become more guarded with your time and emotions.

At least I know this is true for me, and I’m guessing it is for others who have been searching for their next mate for years.

I’ve slowed down considerably my dating activities. The last new man I went out with was 8 months ago. And while we became fast friends, I know it will never advance beyond that. He’s got some deal breakers that are insurmountable for me and he knows it. So we enjoy a bi-weekly chat, but it’s become an unpaid mutual business coaching session.

I’d pulled back on my online dating activities, as I was getting too many men contacting me who were geographically, economically, educationally, or emotionally not a match. So it was with mixed emotions that I decided to rejoin Match.com this week.

Over a year ago I canceled my subscription because the same faces were appearing over again and I had already either ruled them out, had contacted them to no response, or met them and felt no connection. I felt I’d exhausted that pool.

So why did I rejoin? Match.com merged with Yahoo Personals so  thought there may be some new possibilities. I searched for local men in my age range and hundreds of new faces emerged. After reactivating my profile, I immediately got a handful of contacts. So I renewed. I then searched by even more specific criteria, and lots of possible matches appeared. I’ve been merrily emailing and responding to emails.

We’ll see if this time my efforts are more fruitful.

I stay in the online dating game because I have met some wonderful men, even if many of them are geographically undesirable. I’m meeting one in a few weeks when I’m in his area since we’ve been talking weekly for a few months. In a few months, I will finally meet another who’s flirted with me for a year. Why bother with these men who will most likely never turn into romantic mates? Because they are interesting, articulate, intelligent, funny and good conversationalists. We’ve met in an unlikely way yet found enough commonalities to keep us delighting in our banter and discussions.

Will my foray back into Match.com yield my King Charming? Stay tuned!
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For more information on the ins and out of Internet dating, get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

It’s Never Too Late to Date: Shirley and Howard’s Rx’s For Dating and Mating After 50 by Shirley Friedenthal and Howard Eisenberg

This is a good primer for women in their “golden years” (the author’s words) who haven’t dated in 30 or 40 years — or perhaps ever. If the readers are like my mother, they may have never really dated except their husband. So after a death or divorce, these women are often unhappily resigned to living a life alone even if they’d like a male companion, as they are petrified to date.

Although this self-published book lists two authors, there is frequent reference to “I” and it’s Shirley’s voice. The only time it’s clear Howard is in the book is when they tell the story of how they met. So I will refer to “author” not “authors.” Perhaps he added his perspective, but his voice isn’t present.

Shirley mixes inspiration with common sense topics like always dress as if you might meet someone special — even when doing errands or walking the dog. But I guess if one hasn’t had to worry much about one’s appearance in decades it’s a good reminder. She even lightly touches on sex.

You will like this book if you are over 60 (or if you’re a sheltered 50) or haven’t dated in 30 or 40 years. Shirley offers some down-to-earth advice on what to expect.
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Of course, if you’d like to explore other books on dating in midlife, download your copy of any of my 13 books on the topic.

All Dating Goddess books

At some point in dating you have, no doubt, encountered jerks, players, and self-absorbed individuals. Perhaps you labeled some narcissists. But have you ever encountered someone you’d deem a psychopath?

In researching a relative’s extreme personality disorder, I decided to read Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work to determine how to best respond to the anti-social behavior with which I was having to deal. While the book focuses on psychopaths in the workplace, I thought I’d glean some ideas for identifying and dealing with these folks anywhere.

First, what’s the difference between a narcissist, sociopath and psychopath? I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, so I can only paraphrase the authors’ description.

• “Narcissistic personality disorder involves … displaying a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, sense of entitlement and lack of empathy.”

• “Sociopathy refers to patterns of attitudes and behaviors that are considered antisocial and criminal by society at large, but are seen as normal … by the subculture … in which they developed…. Many criminals might be described as sociopaths.”

• Psychopaths and narcissists have some overlapping characteristics, like lack of empathy, and grandiosity, but psychopaths couple these with deceitfulness, lack of remorse, without conscience or loyalty, refusal to accept responsibility and antisocial behavior. While these may sum up the things you loath about your ex, it’s not likely he was really a psychopath! More probably, he was probably just a jerk.

Not all psychopaths are criminals — or at least only a fraction of those with this disorder have either committed crimes or have been caught. The authors say approximately 1% of the population could be diagnosed with psychosis. They point out that only a small percentage of them have been put behind bars, so they are loose in society. Because psychopaths are often intelligent and present themselves well, you’d never know to look at them that you are about to be manipulated for your money, job, belongings or sex.

And not all manipulators are psychopaths. There are plenty of people who will lie, cheat, and steal, but that doesn’t mean they have this personality disorder.

So if so few people qualify as bona fide psychopaths, why am I telling you all this? Because I found the book a fascinating read and if you deal with anyone — at work or personally — who is a smooth manipulator, it may be useful to you.

Secondly, to encourage you to disengage from anyone who has extremely abnormal behavior that you feel is harmful to you. I had to extricate myself from a bullying manipulator, even amid pleading from friends and family to not do so. I am making that same decision about the aforementioned relative. You don’t have to put up with harmful behavior — whether it be emotional, verbal or physical — no matter who it’s coming from.

Have you encountered a manipulator in dating? If so, what was the final straw and how did you end it?

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To explore other examples on whether he’s a keeper or not, get your own copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him? today!

Midlife daters have admitted to me that they don’t know how to flirt anymore. Some even say they never knew how. Now that they are single in midlife, they are feeling they need — and want — to learn.

But how does one practice? Chatting up strangers in the grocery store? Smiling and winking at others in the gym? Offering, “You look familiar” to someone at the coffee shop?

Instead of strangers, should one practice on folks you think are single at church, school events or work? What if they aren’t single and they think you’re being inappropriate? If your flirting backfires, you’re stuck seeing them at future functions.

So what’s a neophyte flirter to do?

For those not quite ready for my Flirt-O-Grams, you can join Flirtomatic.com. It’s a free site that lets you enter minimal information about yourself and start flirting with people all over the world. Or you can limit the focus of your flirting to an age range and/or geographical area.

While I see minimal value for those who feel comfortable getting their flirt on, for those needing some remedial practice it’s a safe place to start. Think of it as flirting training wheels.

I asked my pal who’s doing publicity for the site why someone would join since one can easily flirt on any dating site. He said the beauty of this site is members don’t really have to intend on meeting or talking on the phone. It’s for folks who like to have some flirty banter with no strings attached. While I don’t see myself ever being drawn to this concept, he says it’s very popular in the UK where it began. Especially with those who don’t feel comfortable flirting in real life — yet.

I agreed to try it out so I could tell you my impressions.

First, because membership is free, the level of class, intelligence and education skews low. Some of the introductory messages showing on guys’ profiles are crass. Just move on.

I got flirts from 18 year olds on up. None had anything enticing on their profiles that made me want to respond. When I searched by 40+ men near me, there was no one with whom I wanted to flirt. If I didn’t care their age or location and just wanted to play a bit, I could probably find someone flirt worthy.

Assuming you do find folks to flirt with, you can get their messages via text. I don’t really want to be interrupted with texts by people I don’t know so I didn’t enable that feature.

Know that you have to buy Flirt Points to get improved functionality. For example, if you want to search by those near you, you have to buy 75 points for 24 hours of this feature. For $1.99 you get 250 points.

So, the bottom line is: if you want to just practice your flirting skills, sign up for the site. If you are already comfortable flirting in real time, pass.

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Want to understand the ins and outs of cyber dating? Get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

There are various types of “buddies” in dating. Some you’re good with; others you’re not. You don’t really want a  no-strings-attached sex-only relationship. You want some strings if you are going to get intimate — at least some interest in exploring if you both want there to be strings, not just “That was fun. See you later.”

You crave tender touching and caresses, but there’s no one on the horizon that interests you enough to go down the physically intimate path. So you seem caught between no physicality at one extreme to enduring a booty call just to get some physical contact.

Enter the concept of cuddle buddy. “What’s that?” you ask. Good question, as I just invented the term, although the concept has been around. It’s where two people (of the opposite sex for this blog’s discussion) who are fond of each other but never got into a dating relationship. They enjoy each other’s company and like to hang out. But there’s a deal breaker for one or both of them that prevented the relationship from getting intimate.

Neither of you is dating anyone else so you don’t get your skin hunger satisfied elsewhere. So when you sit on the couch watching a movie, you end up smack next to each other. His arm may go around her shoulders, her head may rest on his chest. One may rest a hand on the other’s leg. There is no kissing, just cuddling. They may even fall asleep on the couch this way.

A cuddle buddy is only good when you both understand there is no interest in going further. If one of you breaks the invisible wall and starts kissing or trying to advance, it all falls apart. One of you has to stop the other and there is an awkwardness between you then. Or maybe the other doesn’t stop and things go beyond where you both know you should, and then it becomes really strange. Now you are lovers, but you don’t really want to be this person’s lover because of the aforementioned deal breaker. Do you “break up” even though you were really never going together? Or do you try to ignore it hoping things will go back to normal? Or do you talk about it to clear the air, but things really don’t go back the way they were?

So try cuddle buddying only when you believe you’re both clear on the boundaries and are willing to live within them. But it is a nice alternative to the other kinds of dating buddies.

Have you had this kind of relationship? If so, was it easy or hard to maintain your boundaries? What happened when one of you met a romantic partner? How did it end — or did it?

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To determine if you’re ready to get intimate, get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

I’m struck that many men’s online profiles say they want a spontaneous woman. It’s made me look at my own level of spontaneity.

My experience of spontaneity is that someone else (a friend or suitor) calls or shows up and says, “Hey, I’m on my way to XXX. Wanna come?”

More often than not, I have my morning, afternoon, or evening planned so I have to quickly sort my day’s priorities and see if I can shift things if I want to accompany them. If I decline, I usually hear disappointment or even chiding from the other.

While I appreciate they wanted to spend some time together, I feel much more special if they take the time to think ahead and invite me the day before. Then I can have time to rearrange my activities and look forward to the outing.

Being invited at the last minute feels like I’m an afterthought. This isn’t very appealing.

In fact, I’ve come to think of these impulsive invitations as selfish. The inviter has had time to decide that the activity is something they want to do and arrange their life to do it. There is no forethought of my schedule or priorities. It is all about them and their desires, and my attendance is not just secondary, but way down the list.

So how does one allow some spur-of-the-moment activities in a planned life? The key is to not be so rigid that you can’t occasionally say, “I’ll do my projects tomorrow.”

And I try to educate my friends and suitors that I do well with planned spontaneity. Although it sounds like an oxymoron, it means that we decide to spend the afternoon, evening, or day together, perhaps float some possible activities, then agree to decide when we’re together. This allows for the proper clothing to be worn or brought or other items that would fit with the activities offered.

For example, a friend stayed with me over the weekend to attend a meeting Saturday. She had Sunday to play. Saturday night we discussed a handful of options that encompassed what she wanted to do. Sunday morning we set out on our top priority, then at transition points throughout the day I offered her options. The day unfolded wonderfully as we ebbed and flowed based on the weather, our mood and our hunger. We were spontaneous within a loosely planned day.

How do you feel about spontaneity in dating? Are you the one offering spur-of-the-moment activities or are you more on the receiving end? If the latter, how do you feel when someone you’re dating only seems to offer to get together last minute?

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Want to read about more situations that need to be negotiated in dating? Download your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

The attractive mature woman approached me after my talk on dating after 40. She said she admired my courage to take on dating so enthusiastically, but she was afraid to start dating.

I asked what her fear was.

“I’m afraid of rejection. And I’m afraid of all the work it will take.”

“Yes, there is rejection in dating. It’s just part of the process unless you meet your next love on the first encounter. Some find their sweetie quickly — a friend found her fiance after dating only nine men after her divorce. Others, like me, take longer. So you have to steel yourself that there will be rejection and some men do it more respectfully than others.

“But frankly, some of the hardest rejection to deal with is when you know you must let a man know you aren’t interested in having a romantic relationship. Some will take it well and others won’t, no matter how nicely you put it.”

“And yes, it takes time. Unless, as I said, you meet a special someone quickly. But it takes time to get to know him, ensure you have similar values, and that he’s the real deal.

“But you have to weigh what you want versus the time involved. If you wanted to start playing tennis after a long absence, you’d have to put in considerable practice time. And hopefully, you’d get better and more confident the longer you practiced.

“You may start entering tournaments. And you won’t win every game. You will have to deal with the disappointment of losing — just like you’ll have to deal with the disappointment of being rejected in dating. But if you think of it as not really rejection, but clearing the deck for someone with whom there is mutual interest, it won’t sting as much.”

She nodded and smiled — and bought a book. She said she appreciated the pep talk and thought she’d now put her toe in the dating water.

Before you started dating again, what were you afraid of?

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Want to explore if you’re ready to date again or not? Get your autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

What determines if you are an item? Is it agreement about exclusivity? Is it the fact that neither of you is interested in seeing others?

You may think that his regular calls, texts and weekly dates makes him your beau. He may think that you are just one of the women he is seeing, even if at the moment he’s not seeing anyone else. You may feel that by your sleeping together regularly, you are going together. He may feel that you are a woman he’s hanging out with.

Don’t jump to the conclusion that he feels that you are both on the same train to boo-ville. You may be taking the express and he’s taking the local. You are many steps ahead of him, perhaps wanting him to meet your friends and family, taking vacations together, maybe even thinking you’ll be moving in together. Yet he’s moving at a much slower pace, thinking you are seeing each other and determining if you want to continue. He may not even see you as exclusive unless you’ve had that discussion.

So don’t derail the train by assuming you’re on the bullet train to relationship bliss. Allow yourself to slow down, even if you really like the guy. In fact, throttle back especially if you like the guy as if you make assumptions too fast, he’ll jump off the train at the first opportunity. Or throw you off — and ow, that hurts!
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Want to know about how to tell if he’s a keeper? Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

You’ve struck up a nice communication with a man who seems to fit many of your criteria. He’s smart, educated, polite, funny, well traveled, successful and clearly interested in you and your life. His age, height, and economics are in the right range for you. You’ve talked on the phone several times and you’ve had email, IM or text conversations every day for a week.

You usually like to meet a man in person within a week or 10 days — before spending too much time flirting virtually. You know it pretty much all hinges on how you feel about each other face-to-face. It can enhance your growing fondness toward each other, or it can fall flat.

With a first date set for a few days hence, for whatever reason (business or family illness) your guy is suddenly called out of town. You understand — he must go. But it happens too quickly to fit in even a coffee date to meet.

While he’s gone, he calls daily, IMs and emails you sweet messages. The conversations focus around each other’s needs and desires. You feel you’re really getting to know each other — as much as one can without being in the same room. He expresses his deepening fondness towards you, how much he wishes he were with you, how he can’t wait to meet you.

As you both share more and more, his expressions of endearment increase. He asks your favorite clothing designer and says he’d like to buy you some of that line. He asks where you would optimally like to live, then says he’ll build you a house there. He asks where you’d like to travel, then says he’ll take you there. On and on he continues to unearth your desires and tells you he’ll provide them.

You know it is infatuation and idealization, based on words not actions. When he says he can’t wait to have you share the same last name, it hits you: This must be how mail order brides feel! Men who want a woman to move across the country or world are wooed by sweet talk and promises from a man they’ve never met! Luckily, the man who’s sweet talking you lives a few miles away and isn’t intending to move to some remote part of the world — as far as you know.

But unlike many mail order brides, you know to be skeptical. You know not to count on any promises made by someone you haven’t met. Heck, you know not to count on promises made by some people you *have* met! You know that he is just flirting and trying to say things he thinks will please you. Yet you are clear these suggestions of promises are a sign of his neediness. But since there doesn’t seem anything malicious, you give him grace. You are also on guard because you this is how scammers bilk lonely hearts out of their life’s savings.
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Want to know how to determine if you should invest your time with a new guy? Get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.

I’m an equal-opportunity dater. I’ve gone out with Caucasian, Black, Latino, Asian, Indian, Native American and mixed-race men. Although it doesn’t always come up, I know some have been Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, agnostic and atheist. None of these on their own are deal makers or deal breakers. My interest or disinterest depends on many other elements.

So it surprised me when some Black men asked me if they are an “experiment.” If going out with them was part of satisfying some curiosity of mine. The first time I was asked this I was confused, so probed.

“What do you mean by ‘experiment?’”

“Some women have heard about certain characteristics that Black men supposedly possess and they want to see if it’s true.”

I almost fell out of my chair.

These “characteristics” could really be described as physical “attributes.” And the Black men got tired of being with women who just wanted to see for themselves, without any interest in a relationship. They’d spent time and energy getting to know a woman and then after a roll or two in the hay, she’d had her curiosity satisfied (and perhaps other things as well) and was on her way. She really wasn’t interested in anything beyond confirming (or not) the rumors she’d heard.

No one likes to feel like a curiosity, something to be examined and then tossed aside. We want to invest time with people who have an interest in the whole package, not just a single part. So I understood these men’s skepticism and caution.

Men I had no interest in have asked if they could fondle certain body parts. How could they possibly think that I’d say yes? They were curious, and no doubt, felt there was no harm in asking as they got the message I wouldn’t be seeing them again.

Have you ever felt that someone was with you just to have his curiosity quenched? What happened?
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To understand more about what to expect when dating after 40, get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

(Read about our first encounter)

A few days ago he returned from his global travels and was in my city for a few days. He remembered that my birthday is today so he decided to treat me to an early birthday celebration. He’s still handsome and buff at 61, but perhaps not as much as when he posed for Playgirl 30 years ago.

In addition to his good looks, he’s attentive, intelligent, humble and funny. I briefly thought of abandoning rationality and suggesting a romp in the hay. I’m pretty sure he would have been game. But then I remembered that trysts are like Chinese food — soon thereafter, I’m hungry for something more substantial.

We’ve been in contact monthly since our first encounter. But I still don’t feel I know him well.

He suggested we travel abroad together. I’ve been invited to accompany men to Paris, Rio and on cruises, but always declined because I didn’t know them well enough to share a room. But Mr. Playgirl strikes me as different. But then, I’ve misjudged seemingly good guys before, only to learn differently when I’ve gotten to know them better.

So I want to get to spend more time together before I agree to be a traveling partner, no matter how much I long for an international travel buddy. We already know we have similar travel styles and like to explore similar types of sights.

The internal debate is whether to seize the day and just go for it, or proceed cautiously and make sure I’m totally comfortable before buying a plane ticket. My adventurous self battles with my cautious self.

Have you had these type of internal battles when starting to spend time with someone? Have you leaped for adventure or stayed cautious? What happened? Would you do the same again? What did you learn from your choice?
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Want to explore other issues to consider before spending the night with a man? Order your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

Here’s a recent question from one of our regular guy readers. I thought you might have some suggestions.

There are usually inequalities when you are dating. One person has a more successful career. One person is better at interpersonal skills, and the other is better at technical skills. Differences that makes life interesting and the world go around.

We are both past the having babies stage, but I wonder about the inequality of our families. All the kids are old enough that they won’t be living together. But, I just started wondering if the inequality will bread resentment. I can provide a husband and a house. But for kids, we will have to play the cards that have already been dealt.

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While I don’t have kids, that won’t stop me from having an opinion!

If you do become connected with this woman, you can’t help but hear about her kids and sharing about yours. At some point, they will meet each other. If she wasn’t secure that she did the very best job she could in parenting and admitting that some of how kids turn out is a crap shoot, I imagine she’d feel a bit jealous of your kids’ accomplishments.

If she does show any feelings of inadequacy or jealousy and they are unabated, it will ruin the relationship. However, even two parents with accomplished children can have issues about one-up-manship. If you decide to continue seeing her, you have to be conscious about not oversharing about your kids and offering advice about hers. Let this unfold as you build trust and confidence with each other. And wait until she asks you for advice on her offspring.

Readers: what do those of you with children have to say on this issue?
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