Have you ever had a guy friend-crush? A guy pal who you’d like to be more? But you haven’t flirted or made your interest known because he might already have a wife or girlfriend? Or maybe you’ve been too afraid of ruining the good friendship you have if a romance doesn’t work out?

I was curious about how to move from the friend zone to more, as several previously coupled guy pals have recently become single. So I was thrilled to meet a woman whose boyfriend had been a long-time friend first. I grilled her for details of the transition.

Since most people feel it’s important for their mate to also be their friend, it makes sense to start with someone you already know well and trust. You know each other’s foibles and love them anyway. The advantage is you already know the type of person they are, and have determined their personality quirks aren’t so off-putting.

The question becomes who breaks the “friend” wall first and how? I asked my new friend. She said her boyfriend was the first one to let it be known he thought of her romantically. “How did he do that?” I asked nosily. “Did he ask you for a date, kiss you, or tell you?” She was coy. By her response I gathered that he kissed her. And she liked it! So there wasn’t much time for her to think about whether she wanted to date him, if she thought of him romantically, if kissing him would be like kissing a cousin. She just let it unfold and liked it so didn’t see a reason to stop.

I can see that overthinking it could cause a problem. As I think of these newly single guys, I do wonder if it would be hard to find a romantic tingle since we know each other so well. Would we be able to get beyond the sister/brother image of each other? And what if it didn’t work out — would we be able to go back to our good pal relationship?

When my parents were in their 50′s, they had several sets of married middle-aged couples who were socially active together. When one of the women died and then one of the men died, I was surprised that a short time later the two surviving spouses began to date, and then got married. They hadn’t flirted with each other when their spouses were alive and I would have been surprised if there had been any sexual chemistry. But they found something they liked in the other enough to date and marry. Maybe it was such familiarity that they found it easy to integrate into the other’s life.

So what do you think it takes to move to “beyond friend” zone? If you’ve done it, how did it happen? Did you initiate it or did he, and how?

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Much has been written about how Facebook has helped end many marriages because people rekindle relationships with old flames. They begin romancing each other through emails, texts and calls until their allegiance to their spouse withers and they have become etionally attached to their new-old flame. Sometimes the damage is done without their actually seeing each other after decades or having a physical affair.

Recently, I heard a story of a marriage shattered by a similar story. But this one happened in real life, not just virtual. There was no sex involved, but the wife insisted on a divorce because her husband was having an emotional affair. He was entranced by another woman, but the only physical part was his taking her hands in his while they talked over coffee. Even their walks on the beach didn’t involve touching. But he bared his soul to her as did she to him.

When his wife found out, she was humiliated and hurt. One can understand her reaction. But if there’s no sex, is it really cheating? Many think yes.

In response to my asking potential suitors why their marriage ended, the most common reason is there was no physical connection and no sex. They’d stopped touching each other. It’s rare to hear a man say he lost his emotional connection to his wife if they were still having sex.

So it is really an affair if there’s no sex or touching? Have you had such touch-free assignations with someone you’ve become emotionally attached? If so, how did you hold your boundaries about not allowing yourself to seduce/be seduced?

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Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache

A pal shared a story of his best friend, Mel, who had some recent health challenges which resulted in him having zero libido. Not just during the treatment of his health problem, but afterward. Prior to this circumstance, Mel’s sex drive had been high. He’s been married to his current wife for about 10 years so she knew him during the high-lust years.

I barely know Mel and have never met his wife, and my pal had no word on what Mel’s wife felt about this change in their relationship.

It made me wonder what midlife women would think about dating a no- or low-libido guy. Some women have shared that they would consider that a perfect scenario, as long as the man was affectionate and attentive. These women say they aren’t really interested in sex anymore, but if they found a suitable man who wanted more than companionship, they’d comply. They just wouldn’t be very enthusiastic about it.

People have different sexual needs. Some have high needs, even in midlife. Others have very low needs. This is often a challenge in relationships no matter how old the players — one would like sex more often than the other. Which can cause tension at the least, and often breakups. When I talk to men during the getting-to-know-you stage of dating, they often share that the primary reason they divorced was because their wives weren’t interested in a physical relationship anymore.

Mel, I was told, said that having no sex drive was actually a blessing to him. He said that prior to his current condition, he had no awareness of how much of his mental capacity was taken up thinking about sex. When he met a woman, — even when he was happily married — he’d assess if he wanted to have sex with her. He never acted on this with anyone besides his wife, but he thought about it. Or he’d think about what he needed to do to get his wife to have sex with him that night. Or he’d fantasize about different sex acts.

Now, Mel was much more present to other things that give him pleasure. Corny things, like a beautiful sunrise, the scent of his wife’s hair, the warm sun on his face. He says he’s now more creative and more thoughtful — especially with his wife, as he’s not making his acts of kindness manipulative to get sex. They are because he wants to make her happy.

If you’ve dated a man (or are a man) with low or no sexual appetite, tell us the pros and cons. Or share if you’d go out with a man long-term who you knew had low libido.
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Most of the people I talk to about dating want to find “The One” quickly and get the dating roller coaster ride over. They don’t enjoy the process of meeting new people and being disappointed when there isn’t mutual attraction. Or if there is, it doesn’t last long.

One 60-plus woman friend who recently found herself single after a 20+ year relationship ended, shared that she didn’t expect to be unattached within a year or so. However, her plan for finding her next mate mostly relies upon him finding her. She wasn’t really interested in putting much effort into it and was definitely not interested in going online. She’s attractive, but not a stunning beauty, and isn’t well-off financially. She also has some pronounced personality flaws that drove away her last long-time love.

A male friend expressed that he can’t wait to settle on the many women aggressively pursuing him. He hasn’t been dating long, but is already tired of it. He wants the quest to be over so he can devote his energy to other things.

Both these people see dating as somewhat of a chore. There’s no interest in seeing dating as a way to better learn what you want as well as meet interesting people. Their attitudes are best summed up with Ashleigh Brilliant’s cartoon above.

What about you? How do you see your dating life? Is it a chore or an interesting journey? What advice would you give others who are wanting to rush the process and settle on the first person who meets their minimum criteria, just so they can stop the dating game?

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The other day I was helping a newly dating pal navigate dating waters. He’s been dating about 6 months after the breakup of a long-term relationship and was multidating. He’s gone out with one woman multiple times in the last 6 weeks — we’ll call her Amy — and continues to see other women including another woman he’s seen 5 times. Let’s call this woman Betty. Amy is head-over-heels for him and thinks he’s The One. They’ve slept together a few times.

He’s not specifically told Amy about Betty or any of the other woman, but feels he’s communicated by saying “I’m not ready to be exclusive.” When we talked, he was feeling he and Betty were going to get intimate on their next date in a few days.

He is a good guy, very thoughtful, conscientious and sensitive. He’s not a player, which I define as someone who is knowingly deceitful to get what he wants. He called because he wanted to ensure that he had done the right thing with Amy by telling her he wasn’t ready to be exclusive. I had to tell him the bad news.

“If a man told me he wasn’t ready to be exclusive, I wouldn’t necessarily think that meant he was actively seeing other women. And I certainly wouldn’t think that meant he was sleeping with someone else. I’d think he just needed more time with me to decide he was ready to feel committed.

“If a man says, ‘I’m not being exclusive’ or ‘I’m continuing to meet other women’ I’d know he was seeing others. But saying, ‘I’m not ready to be exclusive’ is a different message.”

A man once shared that a woman he’d been interested in had said she wasn’t willing to be exclusive. She wanted to date a variety of men. Isn’t it interesting how the phrasing can mean different things?

He was not happy that he had to be that explicit. But without doing so she could have a very different interpretation of what he thought was clear. He didn’t want to be duplicitous so he knew he had to have a more specific conversation with her as well as with Betty.

I told him for many (most?) midlife women, having concurrent multiple sexual partners was considered bad form, even assuming protected sex. We might have done this in college, but now we’re older and presumedly wiser. While some feel that as long as they haven’t promised exclusivity, they can sleep around, the women I know say that feels cheap and is not what they prefer if they are looking for a long-term relationship.

How would you interpret “I’m not ready to be exclusive” if you heard it from a man you were sexual with?
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A 26-year-old pal shared with me that he took his girlfriend around the neighborhood to enjoy the Christmas lights. “She said we don’t do enough romantic stuff and she wanted to do see the lights. So I asked her if this was romantic and she said yes.” I gave him kudos for listening to her and acting on giving her a romantic experience.

Which launched a discussion of what is considered romantic. I said, “Do you know her definition of romance?”

“Good question. I keep trying to understand it. I asked her if it’s romantic when we’re both watching the same TV program together. She said no. I said what if we’re having dinner together. She said yes. What if we’re watching TV and having dinner together. She said no. So I’m trying to understand the specifics of what is romantic to her.”

My heart went out to him, as I think this is something men struggle with all over the world. And I understood his desire to get a specific definition of romance from his sweetie.

Men who desire a happy relationship want to please their woman. They do their best to do what they think she likes. She doesn’t want to have to tell him, as that takes away the excitement and feeling that he knows her so well he knows what will delight her. This drives men crazy and makes for many disappointed women.

My ex once hid a series of postcards in places around the house I frequented with bits of poems on them. Sounds romantic, huh? He hadn’t written the poems, they were from famous poets. They weren’t love poems and I couldn’t see how they had anything to do with me. When I asked about the significance of the poems, he said they were just stanzas he liked. I’m not much of a poetry fan, but he was. So he thought he was performing a romantic gesture which fell totally flat.

So what can you do to get more romance in your dating relationship?

The first part of the solution is for you to define what you feel is romantic. Is it candlelit dinners, a walk on the beach holding hands, going dancing, flowers for no reason, quick “thinking of you” texts? List as many as you can, including as much detail as possible. For example, a candlelit dinner isn’t romantic if he’s texting or watching TV as you sit there. (I once was on a second date with a man in a romantic restaurant and he watched the bar TV over my shoulder the whole time.)

Have him make his list. Warning: he may not think of much. This isn’t something men spend a lot fo time thinking about. Don’t make him wrong for that.

Then share your lists. You may say, “It wont’ be romantic if I have to tell him what to do!” You’re giving him ideas of the type of things you like. Include in your list, “Other actions that show you’ve put some thought and effort into making me happy.”

Write in a comment what you feel is romantic so others can expand their ideas.

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Want more ideas on how to work through dating relationship issues? Get your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

A few weeks ago I bought a new car — at least it was new to me. A neighbor was selling his used SUV with very low mileage. I had been thinking it was time to replace my car, but I hadn’t done any research or decided what I wanted. I knew I didn’t want to buy new from a dealer although my last 3 cars were purchased that way. I also knew I wanted a low-mileage car with more cargo space than my sedan, and one that had been well maintained.

This car just sort of fell in my lap. Similar to how many midlife singles want their next mate to show up. They don’t want to do a lot of work to find their next love, but if someone comes along who meets their criteria, they won’t say no.

When a friend recently saw me with the car she asked how I liked it. I thought for a moment, then responded, “I like it but haven’t fallen in love with it yet.”

Boom! It hit me! My car was a lot like some men I’ve dated.

Here’s how new men are like new (to you) used cars.

• There might be a few dings on the outside. Just like a car may have a few scratches or dings, a man’s exterior may not be perfect. But I find a man’s laugh lines show he’s enjoyed life. He may have a few scars from accidents or surgeries, but if it doesn’t affect how he treats you, who cares? (In my car’s case, the exterior was flawless and the interior nearly so, but I don’t expect a man to be.)

• The engine may purr, or may have some dysfunction. Before buying a used car, we can have a mechanic determine if everything is sound. Wouldn’t it be great to get a doctor’s exam before deciding to get attached to someone? Men have disclosed medical conditions to me during the first few dates. However, it’s not required, and they may not know of a medical situation if they don’t get regular checkups.

• You may be drawn to how you think you’d feel with it/him. Some cars help reinforce your self-image. You feel sexy in a convertible sports car, powerful in a full-size SUV, sporty in a Jeep. Men can also reinforce your self-concept. Do you like take-charge men? One you can control? Men with high-status jobs?

• You can fall for attributes that really aren’t that important. You can love the high-quality sound system in the car, or a man’s beach house. But a wise person looks at the more important components — ease of handling, durability and low maintenance in the car and, well, pretty much the same thing in a man!

• Your new acquisition will take some getting used to. You’ll discover some cool options you hadn’t anticipated (my car’s spare tire compartment also has storage cubbyholes, I can open my garage door with a button on the mirror). But you may be disappointed when you realize it doesn’t have the same features you’re used to (the cargo area is smaller than my former car’s.) A man may kiss better than your last love, but may also leave his dirty socks on the floor.

• You may underestimate the costs of maintenance. Gas, service and license may be more than you anticipated, just as a man may require more time or energy than you imagined. You have to decide if the cost is worth the benefit of keeping your new acquisition.

Once you make the decision to “buy,” you are committed. You learn to modify your expectations and behaviors to make the best of it. Isn’t that true for all relationships?

What other parallels can you see of a used car and a midlife man?

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Want a perfect gift for an over-40 single seeking love? How about one or more of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 book series? You get discounts on copies of multiple titles.

We typically date with a goal: to find someone with mutual attraction. Some of us also want love and a long-term, committed relationship. Some want marriage. Some want just a fling.

After dating a number of people and we don’t have the outcome we want, it can be frustrating. However, if we shift our perspective, we can avoid that frustration — at least most of it. After going out with 114 men and not finding “the one” I’ve learned a positive point of view is healthier than a negative one. It would be easy to say that there are no good men out there. Instead, I see that there are lots of good men, and even the ones who aren’t a romantic fit have other positive attributes.

For example, I had coffee with #114 recently. He was tall, fit and nice looking, especially compared to other 60 year olds I’ve seen. We had a lively 90-minute conversation where he shared stories of working in the early days of a widely loved international company. I was delighted at his stories about his interactions with the founder. While the coffee didn’t result in an invitation for a second date, he did give me some great stories.

Interactions with other men have resulted in professional friendships, and others have become treasured pals. Still others have morphed into pals where we are open to responding to each other’s questions about relationships, home repair, or favorite hiking trails, as well as other input and advice depending on the other’s expertise.

When my friends asked how the aforementioned coffee date went, I shared how I enjoyed hearing his stories. One friend exclaimed, “You meet the most interesting people” to which I agreed. I wouldn’t have met any of these interesting guys without our both seeking our next love.

So if you get frustrated at not finding your love match, see if you can instead shift your goal to meeting interesting people. The more interesting people you meet, the more chance one of them will turn out to be your next sweetie.

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Want a perfect gift for an over-40 single seeking love? How about one or more of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 book series? You get discounts on copies of multiple titles.

I’ve noticed a trend. I don’t know if it’s just me or if it is common.

When I’ve met someone online and we’ve exchanged some emails and phone calls, when we meet there’s a sense of familiarity. The meeting seems like a formality, just verifying the other isn’t bizarre looking or socially inept and is attractive to us on some level. Assuming the other person passes for our definition of normal, we agree to a second encounter.

And here’s where it becomes somewhat Twilight-Zone-ish.

On that second encounter, the man has transformed from someone I just met into my boyfriend. He may hold my hand, put his arm around me, or kiss me well before the end of the date. He may talk about trips he envisions us taking or my meeting his relatives. He has become an instant boyfriend.

While I’m not averse to PDA nor exploring future plans, it just seems he jumps to a closeness before it is warranted. After all, we barely know each other. I’m not sure yet if I want to be kissing this guy, let alone meeting his family. The relationship seems to have been accelerated, skipping some key parts of getting to know one another and letting the familiarity and connectedness unfold.

This instant relationship has been time-collapsed even more dramatically in some instances where men have French kissed me upon first meeting me, or assumed we were going to sleep together on our first date. I have had men tell me they were falling in love with me during our first encounter.

What????

Is it that they are so lonely/horny/desperate that the slightest interest from a woman catapults them into relationship mode? Are they players and these moves have proven fruitful in the past to get women in the sack? Are they so socially ignorant that they don’t know affection must grow?

Then I wonder if I’m doing something to draw out this behavior in a normally rational man. I’d like to think I was so sexy/fetching/bewitching that a sane man can be cast under my spell and quickly forget common sense, but I don’t believe it is me. I know I’m not all that.

So this is another situation that goes into the “What would make him behave this way?” But instead of this just being one man’s behavior, I’ve seen it with enough men that I’ve noticed the trend.

If you’ve encountered this, what’s your explanation? Guys, can you give us some clues into why men would jump to instant boyfriend behavior?

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Blathering. Babbling. Rambling.

You hog the air time. Instead of it being a dialog, it’s a monologue. You go on and on, barely taking a breath, not allowing the other to interject anything but “uh huh.” You don’t ask a question.

You lose the opportunity to get to know a potentially great mate.

You lose his attention, both short and long term. If it’s on the phone, he will start checking email, texting others, or watching TV. Or maybe all of the above.

It’s sad, as you have no idea why you aren’t getting any dates — or maybe get first dates but then you bore the guy to tears so you aren’t getting second dates.

You may even be a little self-aware and after an hour of droning on you say, “I’ve been monopolizing the conversation” but you do little to rein in your motormouthing.

I just had a second call from someone who prattles. He seems like a nice enough guy, but he went on and on for an hour and ignored my attempts to contribute to the conversation. The more this continued, the less interested I became in meeting him. I finally had to make up an excuse to get off the phone because I found myself doing other things since it really didn’t matter if I was listening or not -— he was just going on about what interested him.

I wish there were a way to politely signal to someone that they are yammering, but I’ve not found a way to do this. And even if someone becomes aware of their jabbering, I’ve found few people who have the self-awareness and discipline to shift this bad habit.

And they have no idea what it’s costing them. It not only costs you dates and a relationship with a great guy (unless he’s hard of hearing, extremely patient, or doesn’t mind the non-stop chatter), but it also costs friends and could even affect promotions at work.

Have you dated a prattler? If so, how did you make him aware of his bad habit? Was he able to cut down his incessant monologue? If you are the guilty one, have you been able to become aware of this off-putting habit and make changes? How?

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When you first meet someone and are deciding whether to see each other again, whether you want to or not, you consciously or unconsciously size each other up. In addition to deciding if you’re attracted to the other, you assess if you are in the same league as the other.

This league can be physical — there have been numerous studies that show people couple with others in the same relative attractiveness levels — with some obvious exceptions. Power and money (although some would say that money is power) is an exception. Thus the hot young woman with the not-so-attractive powerful/rich man. (Could be young, hot man with powerful/rich woman, but we don’t see that quite as much.)

Other elements of this league dynamic — in addition to looks and money/power — could be education, power without wealth (think politician), or fame.

When you decide to date someone you perceive as being a step or two below your league, you’ve found other characteristics that make it OK in your mind. You have lowered your standards in some area(s) because you think he has enough other attributes to mitigate where he doesn’t measure up.

So when — gasp — he breaks up with you, not only does it sting (nearly every break up stings, even if you’ve already decided to break up with him!), but you’re  incredulous. “Really?” you think, “He has the audacity to break up with me? I lowered my standards to date him!” You’ve not only been rejected, but by someone you made an exception for!

Of course, you never told him you lowered your standards, but there’s a good chance he felt it. Maybe it was a look, or your occasional tone of voice, or perhaps an unconscious condescending comment. He knew you thought you were better than him. He could feel it. It might have been a big part of why he broke up with you. It gave him some satisfaction to put you in your place. And it stung less for him to break up with you than to let you have the upper hand by breaking up with him.

Or maybe — horrors — he thought he was lowering his standards to be with you!

So what to do? Should you never modify your standards? I think it depends on what they are. I’ve made exceptions to my “need to have” list and gotten to know some interesting men. I’ve also continued to date men who I knew were missing some basic elements I find critical. I think it’s important to be conscious of when you are making an exception, and then notice how you feel about that. Does he have other overriding attributes that make him exceptional?

What about you — have you ever dated someone who you felt wasn’t really at your same level? Did it get in the way of the relationship, or did you find it didn’t really matter? And if you were the one who was dumped, how did you deal with it?

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Get more insights into what can happen with breakups with your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

As a generality, men tend to keep relationship details to themselves. Their friends and family may have to probe and prod to even discover they have started dating someone. Guys keep that info to themselves. Only under rare circumstances would they share intimate details with their buddies.

Women, however, tend to be the opposite. It’s common for a woman to tell her gal pals all about the man she’s dating, even sometimes before the woman has even met him in person (if connected online). Once she’s gone out with him, it’s not uncommon for a woman to share all about him, where they went, what they did, what he said, what she found appealing or not so much. If they have a fight, her inner circle is the first to hear. If he makes her happy, same thing.

So women’s friends know a lot about a guy before they’ve even met him. They probably have formed an opinion about him and have decided if they like him or not. They may have decided if he’s good enough for their pal — or not.

And these friends may know personal information about him that he’d be embarrassed to realize they know. For example, a pal was sharing with another gal pal about her first intimate encounter with her new guy. Many intricate and private details were disclosed. Even the size of his condom. The listening pal said, “I hope I never meet him as I now can’t get out of my head what size he wears.”

“A tad too much over sharing,” she thought.

We need to think through how much we’re sharing about the man we’re dating and what affect that may have with our friends’ attitudes toward him. We want our friends to like him and he them. We need to have better filters about what is too personal to share. I’m sure you wouldn’t like thinking your guy shared your sexual preferences or  proclivities. You’d be embarrassed when around his pals if you knew he’d shared this with them. We need to have the same sensitivity about what we share with our friends.

Have you ever felt you shared too much with your friends? Or have you learned that your guy shared with his friends details of your intimate time? What did you do?

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Want to know about handling challenging situations with someone you’re dating? Get your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed

Most midlife singles have a vision of what they’d like their lives to be like in 5, 10 or 20 years. They imagine adventure trips abroad, luxury cruises, quietly enjoying their homes, or domestic RV trips. They may (or may not) have the resources to enjoy their dreams.

There’s only one thing missing.

A partner.

Preferably a romantic one, not a pal.

They see themselves enjoying their future life, but they have a placeholder image of the person accompanying them. Kind of like the silhouette images on dating sites when someone hasn’t posted a picture online.

These singles know generally what they want in a partner, but they’re really not that picky. Anyone who meets the basic criteria would be acceptable.

You now enter the picture and begin dating. You meet the guy’s basic mate description, but so could hundreds of other women. You enjoy each other’s company and make each other laugh. Within weeks of starting to go out, he’s sharing his vision of you two traveling abroad, spending holidays in the tropics and adventuring in his not-yet-acquired RV.

You are simultaneously enthralled that’s he’s interested in being a couple long-term, yet a little put off that he barely knows you and is already inserting you in his 5-, 10- and 20-year plans. You have a nagging feeling.

You feel you could be just an interchangeable cog in his future dreams. You wonder is it you he wants to spend the rest of his life with, or just any woman meeting his minimum requirements.

Time will tell, of course, if he’s really into you. But you don’t know how to take his future-projecting right now. You learn to not let it bother you and stay in the present to see how you feel about him.

_________________

Want to know more about what to expect when midlife dating? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

Some men just go poof — stopping any communication with you without a word.

Others break up — in person, by phone, via email, or more and more commonly by text. They send a clear message they are moving on.

But there’s another way men exit from a dating relationship.

They cut back their contact a bit over time. If they used to text multiple times a day, it dwindles to once or twice. If they used to call daily, it’s now a few times a week. Slowly they are extricating themselves.

Have they officially broken up with you? No. Have they overtly thought, “I’m not really that into her anymore.” They just don’t find themselves thinking of you that often, so they aren’t compelled to connect.

Should you call this out? “Hey, why aren’t you texting me as much as before?” You can if you want, but it definitely puts him on the spot. It forces him to think, “Why haven’t I been in contact?” And the answer might be, “I just don’t think of her much so don’t reach out.” So it may prompt a “I guess we should not see each other anymore” or “Let’s take a break until my work slows down” response.

Most likely he’ll respond with, “I’ve just been really busy” which gives him the option to increase his connections or say, “Let’s get together.” Or not. “Busy” is a cop out, as we know if we really want to connect with someone we will, even if it’s a quick “thinking of you” text.

So if you find your suitor-du-jour slip-sliding away, examine your attitude about it. Do you want to always be the one initiating contact? That seems needy and desperate. If you want to continue seeing him, tell him sweetly that you miss his regular connections and want to make sure everything’s all right. He will get the message that you appreciate his overtures but you’re not putting him on the spot.

If he doesn’t increase his connections, you know he’s mentally gone. He’s checked out of any “relationship” you two have. He’s just not that interested anymore. Maybe he’s become enthralled with someone else — or not.

Don’t gnash your teeth and bemoan the ending of what could have been a great relationship. You can’t make anyone fall in love with you if they’re not feeling it. So let it go.
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Want to read more about how dating relationships end? Get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache

My friend has been dating a new guy for a month and it was going well. He’s emotionally mature, good looking, financially stable, fun and treats her well. They had two activities planned for the weekend near his home, an hour away from her.

He invited her to stay overnight so she didn’t have to drive back and forth. His guest room was offered as an option so she said yes.

As they hung out the first day, the conversation drifted toward sex. Then he made this disclosure.

He had herpes.

My friend had never been with anyone with herpes so didn’t know how to react. She asked him questions. How frequent were his outbreaks? Would he always wear a condom? (Yes.) She realized she didn’t know enough to ask more questions. She told him she wasn’t ready to have sex with him and would have to learn more about the disease. They had a great sex-free weekend.

When she shared this conversation, I sent her to the Centers For Disease Control site. I also suggested she discuss it with her doctor as I was certainly no expert.

Her challenge is what to do next. She will educate herself, of course, and discuss the issue with him. One report I said said that the majority of non-infected partners get herpes even when using protection. That’s not a path she wants to go down. She hates to give up a great guy, but she also doesn’t want to be infected. And she doesn’t want a sexless relationship.

Have you been in a relationship with someone with herpes? How did you decide to keep seeing him — or not — if he was a great guy? What advice would you give someone in my friend’s situation?
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Want to understand more reasons to consider to stop on continue seeing someone? Get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him.

At the farmers market, a woman asked the vendor how to tell when the nectarines were sweet and ripe.

“The ones with blemishes and freckles are the sweetest. The prettiest ones aren’t as good.”

I looked at them both and said, “Just like men.”

After the laughter subsided, we discussed how handsome men tend to be not as good to us as those with average looks. The latter seems to know they have to try a bit harder, while the former take you for granted.

Obviously, there are always exceptions, and of course, this can be said as a generality for women, too.

But it reminded me to not just pass by ordinary-looking me who seem interested in me. I have worked to give most men a chance who meet basic criteria, but do admit to sometimes saying “no” to those who don’t appeal physically to me, even without giving them a chance. It’s a difficult balance to want to give someone an opportunity, while knowing physical attraction is needed. And I don’t want to waste someone’s time who I don’t think I’d ever want to kiss.

What’s your experience with “blemished” men? Do you agree that they often try harder to win and keep you?

You’ve been dating a special guy for a while and have had several sexual romps. But you find yourself less than satisfied, even though you’ve giving lots of feedback on what’s working for you when you’re in the act.

Rather than declaring that you’re sexually incompatible, you decide to see if you can discuss adjustments before you get naked together again.

This is not an easy conversation to start, as most people are pretty sensitive about their sexual prowess. No one likes to hear that their special moves aren’t doing it for you, yet if you don’t speak up there’s no chance anything will change.

So how do you broach this sensitive topic?

Timing is key. Find a time when you’re alone together and in a relaxed setting, like in one of your homes, with the TV off so you aren’t distracted.

Next, choose your words carefully. Start with something like, “I have some ideas on how we could sexually pleasure each other more. Is this a good time to share them?” His ears will probably perk up. When he says yes, then proceed with your observations and ideas.

“I really like making love with you and want it to be fabulous every time. We’re learning what turns the other on. I wish we all came with a sexual owner’s manual so we could explain just how to get our engine revved. But since we don’t, and since everyone’s body responds to different things, I think it would be useful to help each other know what we like. I know we could do this through signals we give when we’re making love, but I think it would be even clearer if we shared those things ahead of time. Then we won’t waste time doing what really doesn’t work for the other.”

See where this leads. If he’s interested in engaging in the discussion, wonderful. If not, maybe you’re incompatible — and not just sexually.

Have you had discussions like this? How did you start them? Did it help you have more happiness in the sack?

(You may also be interested in the posting, “How dating sex is like waffles.”)
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When you first start seeing someone, what do you call it? Hanging out? “Seeing each other?” Dating? If you’re just going to coffee, on hikes, or to the movies, is that really dating? Especially if one or both of you are meeting other people?

“Dating,” to me, is when something physical starts happening beyond holding hands. Passionate kissing, etc. But one or both of you might be meeting other people.

So when does it evolve into his becoming your boyfriend, sweetheart, beau? After sex? Not necessarily. When you’ve both decided you want to be exclusive. But some couples never have that conversation.

And does it matter what you call him or the stage you’re in? For many, not. However, for many others it does. What you call him describes the seriousness of the relationship, although, of course, there are plenty of examples where one of the couple thought they were just hanging out and the other thought they were exclusive.

There are different expectations when one is merely hanging out vs. when one has a beau. Hanging out means we’ll see each other when it’s convenient to both. No need to call each other daily or even text regularly. Occasional messages, via email, text or voice, are sufficient.

However, the expectations rise when one is “dating” — usually there’s more desire for frequent contact. And when one becomes the other’s “boy/girlfriend” there is nearly always some desire for daily contact, sometimes more than once in a day.

Why does this matter to me now? Because I’ve been “seeing” a man for 8 months with only literally seeing him a dozen times, during two week-long visits to his area. However, we text dozens of times a day and have weekly phone conversations. It’s hard to describe us as dating since we don’t see each other often. And he’s certainly not my beau, as I feel I need more in-person contact to elevate him to that level. Currently, I’m calling him a suitor, as that is the best word to describe our unusual situation.

I know others would consider our situation synonymous with boyfriend/girlfriend. We are not seeing others, at least I don’t think he is and I’m not. But I’m still entertaining invitations from other men, since I’ve not agreed to exclusivity with my suitor. He may be doing the same — we haven’t talked about it.

What do you call these in-between stages of dating? Or does it matter to you at all?

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Do you struggle with knowing whether to keep seeing someone early in the relationship? Then get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

When you first start being sexual with a new sweetie, you likely have sex nearly every time you see each other. Depending on your mutual libido, that could be several times a day! In the beginning, you may have sleep overs a few times a week.

But what if you go on a trip together and are staying in the same room? You can end up spending a lot of time in the sack, even if you have other excursions in mind. The intimacy is so delicious you don’t want to uncouple. You may spend all day — or days — only getting up when room service arrives or for other physical needs.

You have gone on a sexcation, whether that was your plan or not.

An upside of a sexcation is your sexual itch gets scratched. You can become closer — your emotional intimacy is deepened. You can enjoy being inventive and experimental — and perhaps get some new favorite moves. You can relax and enjoy without worrying about who can hear and household chores that nag you at home.

The downsides are you can become bored with your lover’s moves. If he is unwilling to try new things, you can feel stuck in an unfulfilling rut. If he only wants to nap or watch TV instead of talk, you won’t necessarily feel any closer.

Sexcations can be great fun — or not. Just like any date. But you probably wouldn’t have agreed to go away and sleep in the same room with someone you didn’t have a good idea you’d enjoy.

What’s your experience with sexcations — multiple-night getaways that resulted in not much sight seeing outside the room? Were they fun? What did you learn?

__________________

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Any mature person knows that to keep a relationship humming, it takes some work. Even if you get along fabulously, usually there are a few hiccups that need negotiating. My ex and I started going to a counselor a few years into our relationship as I wanted a safe place we could work out any hiccups. I equated it to a high-performing car needing more care to keep it running at its best.

A gal pal recently ended a 6-month live-in relationship because her beau didn’t want to work on making the relationship better. He was fine with it as it was and didn’t see any need to improve anything.

When she explained that great relationships are continually evolving and improving, he said he understood from the beginning that she was a girl and liked to have “relationship talks.” He was fine with having them if she wanted. But he didn’t like to have them very often and was certainly not going to initiate them.

She was saddened by his not sharing her continuous improvement philosophy. And she felt he was condescending to say her need for these talks was a girl thing.

Realizing continuing to improve her relationship was critical for her, she decided to leave. We traveled together right after she extricated herself from him, but they still communicated some. He acted like she’d be back as soon as she came to her senses. She knew she’d not go back.

My experience is many men don’t like to talk about their relationships, as the woman usually asks for them to do something different and they don’t want to. I’ve dated men who initiated conversations about improving the relationship and others who didn’t. I am drawn more to the former as I like to be working to make things better in all areas of my life.

How important is continuing to improve the relationship to you? Is it critical? Or is your philosophy, “If it’s good, don’t mess with it”?

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When we were younger, we might have been more nonchalant about sex. We progressed — often rapidly — from passionate kissing to petting to sex. Sometimes in a matter of minutes.

Rarely — if ever — would we discuss beforehand our needs and desires. During sex we may have expressed what we wanted or liked, but it was uncommon to stop the action to ask about STDs, birth control, etc.

Now that we are wiser, we know we need to take responsibility for talking about these issues before getting naked with a new partner. We understand that those over 50 have a fast growing incidence of STDs. Some infect others without even realizing they are a carrier. We know it’s up to us to make sure that sex is a pleasurable experience for us and doesn’t have any long-term negative effects.

But most of us aren’t skilled at starting conversations we deem uncomfortable — mostly because we aren’t used to having these discussions and haven’t thought through what we want to say. We’re also afraid of how our partner will react — perhaps getting defensive.

Enter Susanna Warren who teaches compassionate communication. She’s an advocate of initiating difficult conversations instead of letting bad feelings fester. She helps people find ways to communicate their feelings compassionately with care, without blaming the other or being harsh.

Susanna said I could share some ways to have the sex talk before getting intimate. Here are a few of her suggestions. I know we can add to this list, so think of what you have discussed — or would like to discuss — before having sex with a new partner.

Here are a few ways Susanna suggests we can discuss specifics:

• I want to know how we are going to protect our bodies from any unknown sexual diseases because I really want to have a relaxed, comfortable connection between us, knowing we don t have to worry about the future.

• I want you to know how much I enjoy clean body parts and hygiene. I love the taste and smell of fresh breath and when I think about the multiple ways we can please each other, it’s more enjoyable and fun for me if there’s not unpleasant smells to distract me.  

• I’m curious if you’d be open to talking about how I might achieve my climax if you reach yours first. I find that sometimes after reaching the point of fulfillment, energy levels are low and it may be difficult to maintain connection and to continue giving to your partner.  

Now it’s your turn — what would you add that’s important to you to discuss before doing the horizontal tango? Would you like to talk about how sex changes the relationship for you, as it increases the intimacy and therefore the expectations? Or how having sex doesn’t mean a declaration of falling in love? Or that you’d like to take a shower together first? Or you’d really appreciate it if he’d call you the next day?

What shall we add to the items Suzanna listed? Or do you think any discussion ruins the mood?
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 Want more ideas on what to expect the first time with a new lover? Get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed

I’ve become friendly with my local street fruit vendor because he is friendly and has an easy smile. Despite our limited facility with each other’s language — my Spanish stopped in high school — we make an effort to communicate. When I wanted to buy only one basket of strawberries instead of 3, I struggled to learn “canasita” — the correct term for little basket — rather than my lame, made up version, “basketa.” He patiently reminded me every time I struggled.

I soon learned his name — not hard since it was emblazoned along the side of his cart. “Buenos dias, Juan” I’d call out as I approached. I’d told him my name, but he didn’t remember. No problem. “Una canasita, por favor” I’d tell him. Or “Cuanto?” as I pointed to the peaches. “Como se dice ‘peach’ en Español?” I’d ask, trying to enlarge my vocabulary. Then I’d dutifully repeat “durazno” trying to burn it in my brain. But it would soon escape. I knew I’d have to ask again.

Recently, an employee of the nearby bank was siting chatting with Juan when I approached. During a lull, I greeted him, “Hola Juan.” She thought I spoke Spanish and tried conversing with me, too. I told her I only spoke a few words, so she became Juan and my translator. “How do you know Juan?” she asked. I told her I came by one or two times a week for his fruit. “Juan es mi amigo” I said. He smiled and laughed. Then I added, “Mi novio.” We all laughed.

In the two weeks since, Juan’s son or daughter have worked the cart when I came by. But today he was there. “Buenos dias, Juan” I called as I approached. I asked “Cuanto?” pointing to the apricots. “Tres dollares,” he said with a smile.  I decided to pass as I still had some ripening at home. “Tres canasitas de fresas, por favor” I said in my Kindergarten-level Spanish. While he was bagging my strawberries, a woman approached speaking Spanish. She and Juan exchanged a few words, then I heard him say something about “novia.” They both laughed. She said, “He says you’re his sweetheart!” I laughed. “I said that a few weeks ago. I’m surprised he remembered.” He threw 3 apricots in my bag. She said, “Nice.” I replied, “Flirting a bit helps I guess.” We laughed.

As I got in my car, she walked by, telling me through my open window, “He says you not only made his day with your novio comment, but you made his universe!”

Wow. I had no idea it was that easy making someone’s universe.

The morale of the story is we have no idea how our kindnesses of words and smiles affect others. Wouldn’t it be an amazing world if we all tried a bit harder to make someone’s universe?

______________________

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I loathe the term “cougar” and would never initiate a relationship with a much-younger man. When I’ve dated men 1-10 years younger they all initiated the contact. Generally, I’m not drawn to younger men as the ones I’ve been around don’t have the emotional maturity, world experience, or gravitas that I find alluring. Not that a great many of the ones my age do either, but it seems more pronounced in those younger than a year or two.

So when a man 19 years younger contacted me, I tried to politely dissuade him. But he was persuasive and persistent. I thought, “What the heck. Let’s see where this goes.”

I haven’t had the courage to ask how old his mother is for fear that she’s younger than me. That would be hard to wrap my head around.

While there are some drawbacks, like the fact I may be near his mother’s age, there are benefits as well.

• Abundant energy. He never says, “Slow down” or “I need a nap.” He’s raring to go all the time.
• Varied interests. He helps me explore activities I may not have sought on my own.
• Respect. He values my experience and achievements.
• Expanding my knowledge. He’s current in some parts of culture/technology that I’m not, so he teaches me.

But the element of his youth that’s been most beneficial to me is his fitness has motivated me to increase my physical activity. Because he works out 5-6 times a week, I’ve realized that if I’m going to keep up, I have to be in better shape. So I’ve increased my workouts and varied my regimen to increase cardio and flexibility. I’m already seeing the results in having fewer aches and pains and feeling stronger and more toned. And I’ve lost 8 lbs.!

As we spend more time together and get to know one another, I’m sure more downsides to dating a younger man may be revealed. I have some inklings of those, but they have yet to be born out.

There’s a saying that older men are looking for a purse and a nurse. I don’t  know why younger men pursue older women, especially if they are economic equals and they don’t have a craving to be mommied.

Whether this one works out or not, I’m better off because of what he’s added to my life already.

Why do you think younger men pursue older women? Would you date a man nearly 20 years younger? Why or why not?

________________

If you want more ideas on what to consider when deciding who to date, get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Some people enter the dating pool after having ended a relationship because of cheating. Some have been cheated on multiple times, by the same person or with several lovers. I’ve only been cheated on once (that I know of) and that experience was devastating. I can’t imagine how debilitating it would feel to be cheated on multiple times.

Last week, a 43-year-old woman called into a radio show where I was the guest. She shared her sad tale. She’s left her husband because he’d cheated on her with multiple women. A while later, she met a wonderful man who got along well with her only child, a teenaged daughter. They dated for a few years and got engaged. She was so happy that they’d be a family.

Then she learned he was also sleeping with her now-college-aged daughter. She was traumatized. Of course she broke off the engagement, but her daughter continued to see him. The caller became persona non grata and was estranged from her daughter. They never talked. Recently she got a text that her daughter was in the delivery room giving birth to a child by this man. She was hugely torn between grief that she hadn’t been able to support her daughter during her pregnancy nor be present at the birth, and elation at the birth of her first grandchild.

She asked me how she could learn to trust again.

Wow.

I am not a psychologist, so I was flummoxed at what to say. Mostly, I empathized with her situation and told her how tough it must be for her. I applauded her strength to be able to explain the scenario calming and dispassionately, even though I’m sure it must still hurt. I told her how emotionally mature she was to recognize she had to learn to trust if she expected to be in a loving relationship, and how smart she was to seek input on this.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have many recommendations other than to seek counseling to help clear the anger and hurt that still lingered. I also suggested she list the signs which are clear retrospectively that she was with a cheater, so she’d better recognize them in the future. She should give that list to her closest pals so they could look for signs that she might ignore. And she should not just ask them to tell her if they’re seeing something she’s not, but they are required to say something, even if she doesn’t want to see it. She is not allowed to argue with them.

Why do women take cheaters back and ignore the signs that someone is cheating on them? We think that we love them so much, we can’t let them go. Or we think that we’ll never love someone else as much as we love them. Both are based on scarcity thinking and low self-esteem. I’ve learned it’s not hard to love someone, nor to have someone love you. The hard part is to have both people commit to a relationship and all that entails: working out the messy stuff as well as enjoying the good stuff. And trust is critical to working things through — you have to know the other won’t leave if you bring up something that’s bothersome.

So what would you advise this woman?
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This was the first question asked by the radio host in a recent interview.

I paused to consider my answer.

“Some days yes; some days no” I responded truthfully.

The host responded, “I’ve found a lot of people wanting to date don’t think they are attractive. Which hampers their efforts to find someone to date.”

I agreed that not feeling attractive can get in the way of being datable. Studies repeatedly show single people say confidence is the most appealing characteristic in deciding to date someone or not. Feeling attractive contributes to one’s feeling confidence. I think that’s why most of us go to some effort to look our best on dates. We feel better about ourselves when we feel we look good. Even people who would not objectively be considered attractive seem to go up a notch or two if they carry themselves as if they like themselves.

Feeling attractive doesn’t necessarily have much to do with common ratings of attractiveness. A woman I know was Miss California and said she never felt pretty. Her first husband bullied her by telling her she needed to stay with him as her beauty would fade. So she stayed in an abusive marriage too long because she didn’t think she could find anyone else to love her.

What if you are a 5, 6, or 7 on a 10 point scale, with models being 10s? We all have assets we can play up, whether through make up, hair color/cut, eyeglasses style, or clothing. And of course, an upbeat attitude coupled with a sincere smile makes nearly everyone more attractive. I have a friend whose face was mostly burned when he was a young man. But he is charming, with a quick wit and winning smile and nearly always has a beautiful woman by his side. On an objective scale, he’d put himself at a 1. But he’s attractive because he doesn’t let his scars affect his sense of himself.

Before going on a date, ask yourself if you feel attractive. If there’s something that causes you to say “no” see if you can do something about it. If your hair seem mousy, consult a stylist for a new color or cut. Feel your clothes are unflattering? Make an appointment with a local department store’s personal shopper. Their services are usually free, and tell them your budget. They’ll help you find a new outfit or two that are more flattering. Need to lose a few pounds? Start walking or other exercise, and track what you eat so you can make better choices.

What if you’ve done everything you can to make yourself attractive, yet you’re still feeling unattractive? Then it’s mental. Get some counseling to see what beliefs are holding you back from completely embracing yourself. People love you, so ask them what they find lovable about you. Remind yourself of this every day until you see yourself the way they see you.

We’ve heard it before: beauty comes from within. If you don’t feel attractive, you’ll exude confidence and self-love. And those are irresistible!
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After dating for a while, you refine what you want and don’t want in your next relationship. Your criteria get clearer and you get more certain about what will make you happy. Often these criteria include a person’s physical characteristics like height, or location or age range. I have clarified my criteria over the years and now rarely deviate from them.

But every once in a while a man enters the scene who doesn’t meet one of my must-haves.  Perhaps he’s an inch shorter than me so I relax my “must be at least my height” rule. Or perhaps he lives beyond an hour’s drive. Or he’s out of my 7 year+/- age range. He has other unique alluring characteristics that entice me to make an exception.  

However I’ve never bent the rules for more than one must-have.

Until now.

A few months ago a man contacted me who is 19 years my junior, lives a plane ride away, and is 5 inches shorter. I responded to his initial email with “thanks but no thanks.” His follow up email was alluring. We began emailing, then messaging, then calling as we developed a connection long distance. Then last week I was in his city so we met.

When he got out of his car to greet me I saw how short he was. When we hugged hello I had to bend down. How would this ever work?

But he was unfazed. He was comfortable in his own skin and height. He was confident in who he was and it showed repeatedly from his ever-present wide grin, to his healthy eye contact, to his immediately holding my hand. Despite my reservations about his lack of my must-haves he was adorable. It was alluring.

I tried not to look in the windows when we walked down the street so I didn’t have to see that I was half a head taller. I could easily kiss the top of his bald pate. Since he was so much younger and shorter I was concerned people would think he was my son.

But those thoughts quickly dissipated as we talked about topics of interest to both of us and his humor made me frequently laugh. And it didn’t hurt that he told me often how he adored me.

He was respectful and assertive. He was more emotionally mature than men I’ve dated 25 years his senior. I liked how he treated me and how I felt around him. In between our seeing each other on this trip, he texted to see what I was up to and remembered small details about my day and life.

So I’ve begun to ponder how life would be with this man. I reassured myself that Nicole Kidman wasn’t bothered to be taller than Tom Cruise. Stacy Keibler doesn’t seem to mind that she towers over George Clooney (I’d overlook that one, too, for him!). There are many examples of it not being a big deal. Could I learn to live with this? Was I being shallow by even thinking it is an issue?

Since I’m tall, light skinned, voluptuous and have tons of hair, I’ve joked that in a previous life I was a short, bald, thin, dark-skinned man so I wanted to come back the opposite. Guess what — he looks like that previous life guy! So maybe we have some soul connection.

Whether there is or not, it’s been fun to get to know an accomplished, interesting, fun man who’s forcing me to reexamine my must-have criteria. Maybe Mr. Right is in the right package and I just need to accept whatever that package is.

Have you fallen for someone who didn’t meet your basic must-haves? How did it work out?

_________________

Want to know if he’s the One? Get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?
http://www.datinggoddess.com/new-books-by-dating-goddess/real-deal-or-faux-beau/

Ten years ago today my husband of 20 years announced he didn’t want to be married anymore. I took it hard.

I now call that day “The Great Awakening.”

It’s amazing how much one can grow in a decade if one is willing to accept what is and not be bitter. I admit it took me a while to see the dissolution of my marriage as a blessing, but it is. I have subsequently met interesting people and traveled without an anchor. I have embraced opportunities I wouldn’t have if I’d still been married. And I’ve learned a lot about myself.

Every negative experience in our life is an opportunity to learn and grow if we approach it that way. But it’s not always easy to get to that perspective if you feel you’ve been wronged. However, letting go of that resentment and victimhood is the first step toward creating an even better life.

I’ve learned that as good as my life seems at the moment, there are even better experiences around the corner if I’m willing to explore them. But when you’re happy with what you have, even knowing some aspects of your life aren’t optimal, it’s hard to pursue new experiences.

I’ve now gone out with over 100 men, most of whom were nice and kind; some of whom were interesting; and a few of them were good matches for me. I would have never met any of them if I were married. I’d never had explored what I wanted my life to be like and who I wanted to share it with. I’d not have traveled as frequently and for as long, meeting new people and making new friends along the way.

Does this mean I don’t want to find my Mr. Great? No. I’d love to find a sweetheart with whom to travel the globe and make a difference in others’ lives. Ten years is a good chunk of time to explore what you want and diligently search for it. I’m clearer now than I was a decade ago, yet still willing to accept what unfolds.

What have you learned about yourself and life since your divorce? Share your lessons.

_________________

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It seems that everyone dreams of winning the lottery, imagining all the things they’d do, buy, or donate to if they became a millionaire. In fact, some women (and men) blatantly say that they want to marry a millionaire.

So imagine my delight upon entering the cafe/bakery in Cape Town yesterday to see a sign saying, “We have millionaires.” I thought, “At last, I’ve found where they hide!” I wondered if I could order one to spec: tall, nice looking, good sense of humor, loves to travel, kind, generous and adoring (of me!).

I then found a second sign: “Ask waiters for millionaires!” Eureka — I could have my millionaire served up as ordered. Cool!

I walked over to the waiter and said, “I’d like a millionaire, please.” But the response was not what I’d hoped: “I’m sorry, we’re out today.”

Just my luck. I have a chance to order a millionaire from the place that makes them and usually has them in stock, and they are fresh out when I arrive. Bummer!

I guess I’ll have to look for them on Rodeo Drive, at high-end country clubs, and Ferrari dealerships. None of which are my regular haunts.

(A millionaire is a yummy cookie made of shortbread with caramel, topped in chocolate.)

________________

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You can tell a lot about a person by how generous he is not only with money, but with effort and spirit. Sometimes a person can be generous with words of acknowledgement but nothing else. Sometimes it’s the reverse.

A man I started to date 4 years ago moved into the friend zone after a couple of dates when I started seriously dating another man. We got along well and I enjoyed his intellect and humor so asked if we could remain friends. He agreed.

We’ve kept in touch, seeing each other a handful of times a year for dinner or he’ll ask to stay in my guest room when he has a meeting in my area, about an hour from his. We always go Dutch on any meal, and he never brings anything to my house, not even a bottle of wine. I know he’s a bit of a laggard in this area, but how do you tell someone they don’t have very good guest manners?

He’s had some hard economic times the past few years, mostly because of his lack of ambition and making some very poor choices about money and jobs. However, he got a new, well-paying job recently and has said when he gets caught up with his bills, he’d like to date me again.

A few weeks ago he asked if he could stay in my guest room for two nights. I was going to be out until after dinner the first one, so he ate somewhere else before arriving. I’d suggested we use a Groupon I’d bought for the second night and he said he could at least come up with his half of the balance and would most likely treat me.

When he arrived for the second night and we got ready to leave for dinner, he asked if I could drive. My experience is most men prefer to drive and that’s fine with me. He offered no explanation on why he wanted me to drive.

You’re probably ahead of me — the bill came after dinner and he put in his half of the balance. No mention of picking up my half, even though I’d paid for the Groupon and he was staying at my house for two nights. I didn’t say anything as I know he’s not yet in a good financial place. But why would he even mention he’d treat if he had no intention of that?

But after that the clincher came which will ensure we will never date again. On the way home from dinner, we stopped at a Redbox to rent a movie we’d discussed seeing together. I started to get out of the car and noticed a shady looking guy lurking in the shadows. My pal may or may not have seen him, but he said, “I’ll just stay here.” So he was going to let me get out in the dark with this guy lurking a few feet away. I said, “I need a body guard. You’re 6’3″ and raised in the projects. You’re coming with me.” He laughed and accompanied me to the Redbox. We made our selection and then it came time to pay for the movie. He made no attempt to get out his credit card to pay for it. The dude couldn’t even cough up $1.20 for the movie???

My friend is a taker. He is intelligent and funny, but I need a man who can pull his own weight.

Should I have said something? I’ve made comments in the past when I thought he was being self-absorbed. I can’t say it’s made a difference. Yes, people can change at any age, but one has to want to change. My friend doesn’t apparently want to change. After all, it must be nice to have people do so much for you and you don’t have to lift a finger or actually treat for something.

What’s your experience with takers? Have you seen one turn around and become a giver?

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Want to know other behaviors to look for when deciding if you should date — or continue to date — someone? Get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

They’d been dating regularly for 4 months, even taking a 4-day vacation together. My gal pal kept telling me what a nice guy he was — very thoughtful bringing her little presents every time he saw her. They became intimate early on. She liked him and enjoyed his company, but wasn’t smitten by him.

But in the last month she’s been questioning his long-term potential. She doesn’t really like some of his decisions, which she considers short sighted and if they were to be together in a few years, the outcomes of these decisions would have an effect on their life together. A few days ago they had a date — with him sleeping over — but she hasn’t said anything to him about her concerns. She asked about seeing him this weekend before she goes abroad for two weeks and he said he’s too busy.

Today in her mail was a travel journal from him for her trip. Accompanying the book was a note, “These last few months I’ve enjoyed the privilege of getting to know you. Have a fabulous trip.”

When she showed it to me, we agreed what it was — a non-breakup breakup. We debated whether it was or not, but decided that since there was nothing suggesting a future rendezvous, it was his way of saying goodbye. If he had any desire to see her again, he would have included something like, “I want to hear all about it when you return” or “I look forward to your safe return” or “I don’t know how I’ll go 2 weeks without seeing you.”

But there was none of that. The absence was glaring.

We discussed that this is a coward’s way out — he didn’t want to risk potential drama by sharing his feelings on the phone or in person, so this was his way of saying, “Have a nice life.”

Or could he be leaving the door open so when she returned, if he felt like seeing her he could give her a call? I’ve experienced men going poof then a few weeks (or months) later they were lonely or missed me and made contact. She said this note was the death knell and she wasn’t interested in seeing him again. She needed a man who was more straightforward and not nebulous.

You may think we were overreacting in our interpretation of the note. Since there was nothing explicitly breaking up, the meaning was up to us. Maybe he was just trying to be nice? Wouldn’t a mature man be more forthcoming if he’d intended to break up? One would hope. But unfortunately in my experience, most aren’t.

What non-breakup break ups have you experienced? Share your stories and examples with us.
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Want to know more about how to break up maturely and respectfully? Get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

Listen to the interview of DG with Dawn Wright-de Brantes on the Dash Radio.

That phrase can have two interpretations — one bad and one good. “He’s up to something” can mean something bad, like “He’s up to no good.”

The other interpretation is less common, meaning he’s working toward (or is) making an impact. This is the interpretation I’d like us to focus on.

A few years ago, I decided one of the key attributes I’m looking for in a man is that he needs to be up to something — making an impact in his company, community, country or world. I don’t want to be with someone who’s only interested in pursing his own interests (e.g., sports, hobbies), but instead working to make something better — beyond himself.

Don’t get me wrong — I have nothing against self-improvement. In fact, I admire it and strive for it myself. However, too many people are self-focused and don’t have aspirations of helping others or making an impact on something beyond themselves.

I’m not requiring that he be working to solve world hunger, or stopping the the polar caps from melting, or curing cancer, although any of those would be fabulous. It could be serving on a non-profit board, regularly participating in Habitat for Humanity, or spearheading a community beautification project.

So when I start to get to know a man, I ask what he’s passionate about. If he can’t come up with anything I ask what he does in his spare time. If it’s only self-focused, I won’t cut him off, but I do notice.

How about you — are you in need of someone working to make a difference? If so, how much weight do you put on that when making a decision to keep dating someone? Or is it irrelevant to you?

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Want to understand more about how to suss out what’s really important in your next mate? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Listen to DG being interviewed by Dave Gordon on the Eargasm radio show.

Along with Dr. Ruth!

Recently, I’ve been interviewed by two media sources.
 
* Listen to a recent interview of me by RelationshipAdviceCafe.com (right-click to download to your computer).

* Also on Money For Lunch. Forward to the 16:00 mark. It goes for about 15 minutes.

I’ve got several more lined up in the next few weeks and will post the times/dates and/or the recordings.

When I read some midlife men’s dating profiles I get tired. Not from reading, but from their exhaustive list of extreme activities — rock climbing, remote backpacking, BASE jumping, snow camping, cliff flying. While I appreciate their exuberance for adrenaline, I grow weary just reading their exploits.

Am I not adventurous? I am in my own way. In recent years I’ve spent 6-8 weeks abroad, exploring the world. But my idea of adventure is coming back to a friend’s guest suite, a nice hotel or B&B. I’m not happy camping, nor do I enjoy roughing it.

Plus, my body is showing it’s displeasure at all-day walks on concrete, cobblestones, or forest paths. My feet and knees tell me this isn’t their idea of a good time. I don’t like succumbing to the signs of aging so I’m taking a therapeutic yoga class to see if I can counter my body’s “issues.” I call it “yoga for the decrepit” because each of my fellow yoginis have some chronic challenge they are working to reduce.

I’m tempted to change my online profile to “ISO someone equally decrepit” but that is an exaggeration — although hopefully a funny one. I’m sure some would take me seriously and think I could only navigate with a walker. In hopes of potential suitors getting the proper perspective, I say I’m “active but not athletic.” I do aerobics 3-4 times a week and now yoga 2 times as well. In the summer I bike on a nearby nearly flat trail, but am not up to peddling up mountains anymore.

How do you express your physical limitations — if any — to potential suitors? Do you tell them in a first encounter or wait until they say, “I’d love to go on a 40-mile mountain bike ride with you” before explaining that you’ll await them at the end point with a nice beverage?

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Maybe physical fitness isn’t your strength. But you have plenty of others. Want to explore yours? Get Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch

I mean “capacity” in several ways.

1. Does he have time in his life for you — the capacity to bring you into his life and the availability to be a part of your? Some people say they want a sweetie, but their life is already so full of work, kids, parents, friends, workouts, classes, etc., they really have no bandwidth for anything other than an occasional dinner and movie. They really don’t have the capacity for a relationship, let alone to explore one.

    

2. Does he have the capability to understand you — the interest and intellect to understand your hopes, desires, likes, dislikes, etc? Or is he a dull blade not sharp enough to understand much beyond his own experience? Or is he narcissistic and could learn about you but chooses not to, instead staying focused on himself.  

I’ve had budding beaus fall into both categories of not enough capacity. They were not able to graduate to full-on beau status because of the aforementioned issues.

Ideally, we look for a man’s underlying qualities and values before deciding they aren’t for us. So some may think the above are superficial. However, I think one’s values are displayed in how one decides to spend one’s time. So if he doesn’t value you or a relationship enough to invest time getting to know you and what makes you tick, you have a mismatch. Or if he’s not that interested in really getting to know you, there’s no need for you to spend your time getting to know him.

Have you experienced someone who didn’t have the capacity for you? If so, what happened?

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Want to learn more about how to tell if he’s a keeper? Get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him? 1

I heard a sharp rap through the phone. “What was that?” I asked my friend. He’d just inquired about my love life and I told him of the current potential suitor who was very attentive, but lives thousands of miles away — and who I’d not yet met.

“That” he said, “was me slapping you.”

I laughed.

Yes, he was right. The chances of this turning into a lasting relationship was slight. It could happen, but most likely it wouldn’t. I knew that. I was kidding myself that it might be different.

How often do we know something isn’t going to work out, yet we continue to put time and energy into it, hoping it will turn out as we’d like? For most of us, this is too often. Especially if we are a hopeful, optimistic person. We tend to ignore the clear signs that we should just say adieu and focus on other, more suitable suitors.

And thank goodness for friends who are willing to tell us what we need to hear. Because even when we know what they’re telling us, we try to pretend we don’t.

I’ve now deputized my friends to tell me what is clear but I’m ignoring when it comes to love. I’ve not only invited them to tell me the stark truth as they see it, but I’ve told them they are required to do it. Even when I don’t want to hear it.

So far, they’ve been right.

What will it take for us to acknowledge what we know and act accordingly? To release someone who may be enamored with us, but we aren’t feeling similarly? To listen to our own inner wisdom rather than relying on our pals to point out the obvious?

How have you snapped yourself out of your delusion when in or toying with getting into a relationship you know isn’t going to work?

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Want to understand how to know when it’s time to release someone and to do so kindly? Get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

I’ll be spending the hour with KGO’s Maureen Langan at 11:00 p.m. PST. Come join in the conversation!

A pal is head-over-heals smitten with a woman he’s been seeing for 3 months. He thinks she’s The One.

However, there’s a problem.

Right before meeting him, her long-term relationship ended. When he asked her out, she said she wasn’t ready for a relationship. She needed time to heal.

However, that didn’t stop her from accepting his invitation, nor the subsequent 15 (he’s kept count — they’ve been on 16 dates). But about a month ago, she said she needed time to heal, however she didn’t want to lose him. She needed some alone time; some space to clear her mind.

So my pal sits on pins and needles. He misses her. But he’s concerned any contact from him will violate her needed “space” and he doesn’t want to push her away.

I suggested he get clarification from her on what her space needs include: no emails, no texts, no calls, no dates? They had a brief text conversation a few weeks ago and he suggested dinner. She said she’d love to and would get back to him about a day the following week. She didn’t.

So is she just stringing him along? If she meant to blow him off, why encourage him with agreeing to dinner?

Where were the boundaries? He felt that by his asking that question it would violate her request for space.

Arrgh. A bit crazy making.

I’ve used the “need space” line as a way to end it with someone who I was concerned would go ballistic if I told him that. So is that what this gal is using the term for?

When you have told someone you need space, what did you mean exactly? If you weren’t ending it, what kind of contact would seem intrusive and what was OK? Did you clarify that with your space-needing declaration?

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Want to understand other vagaries of dating after 40? Get your hard copy or eBook version of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

By now, anyone with a news feed knows of the the Manti Te’o/Lennay Kekua hoax, or what is known in the vernacular as catfishing. It is when one is duped in a romantic context, by someone purporting to be someone they are not. Scammers do it all the time, but usually they tip their hand within days or weeks when they ask for money. Catfishers have other, not always clear, motives.

Are they sociopaths? To some degree, as they stretch out what began as a prank or joke. But, as in Te’o's case, the prank continues and the victim’s emotions are involved. For the more naive or lonely, it doesn’t seem implausible to have strong affection for someone they’ve never met.

Why do catfishers do this? Who knows. Maybe they’re bored. Maybe they know the person, as in Te’o's situation, and the prankster thought it was a funny practical joke. I have friends who enjoy pranking each other, but I’ve always thought it was immature and mean.

I’ve been catfished, not by a man pretending to be a different person, just pretending to be single, when in fact, he was married. And to make matters worse, I later learned, he was married to a woman I knew but had never met her husband. Did he pretend to be single to get sex? He claims no. He did it to prove to himself he was still attractive to women beyond his wife. He’s now in counseling, which is good because he needs it. (Read the story.)

Are all romantic hoaxers sick? I’d have to say yes, to varying degrees. I think this is true for Ronaiah Tuiasosopo and his cousin who perpetuated what at least one of them must have known was a mean prank for so long. I can understand one person being immature and delighting seeing the news feature a fictitious person for months, but two not having a conscience? It could happen, but less likely. But as this story illustrates, it is possible.

So what’s the lesson for us midlife daters? The key here is nothing earth shattering, but I think it bears stating, since some midlife daters get caught up in “relationships” with people they’ve never met.

• If you haven’t met him, you’re not in a relationship. He is not your boyfriend.
• Don’t waste time chatting with someone you’re not going to meet within a month, max. If he does not live nearby, tell him to contact you again when he knows he’s coming to your area, or you already have a reason to be in his area.
• If ample time goes by (more than a month) and he hasn’t made a plan to meet you, he has no intention of ever doing so, no matter how many times he says he does. Move on.
• Even if you’ve met someone once or twice, you’re still not in a relationship.
• If you go to his town, do not stay in his home. You need safety and distance. Close, constant proximity can create the illusion of more connectedness than there is and you can progress physically and emotionally more quickly than you would if you stayed in a hotel. It may feel “right,” but it rarely lasts. Don’t go visit if you can’t afford a hotel.
• If he asks you to pay for his air fare, hotel, or any other expenses, drop him. If he ever asks you for money for anything, he’s a scammer and is playing the game with many other women, all day long. This is how he supports himself –playing multiple women for money.

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Want to know what else to watch for? Get your copy — either ebook or hard copy — of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.

As we date, we begin to define our deal breakers. Some are solid — no way would you date a cheater, domestic abuser, drug user or felon. But some, you learn, are more malleable. What you thought was a deal breaker, when attached to the right guy, isn’t any more.

On my list of deal breakers/must haves are height, education, income, locale and age appropriateness. I’ve been pretty staunch in rejecting nearly all who didn’t meet my criteria. On rare occasion, I’ve dated men who were an inch shorter, even though I really love taller men. For a short while, I dated a man who I eventually learned had just filed for bankruptcy, although I really prefer men who are financially secure.

So how do you know if something is really a deal breaker or not? And under what circumstances might you modify what you thought were stoppers?

For me, I ignore a deal breaker when his other qualities are rare enough to override other preferences. When I’ve found a loving, fun, intelligent, thoughtful, giving man, it matters little that he’s a little younger than me.

However, it takes a very rare man for me to ignore several of my deal breakers to explore a relationship. I’m noticing my feelings now about possibly getting involved with a special man who is making wooing overtures, but he has three strikes against him: He lives a plane ride away, he’s 3″ shorter than me, and he’s 19 years younger. I tried to dismiss him when he initially contacted me on the dating site, but he came back with a compelling enough communication for me to be interested in getting to know him. I know the situation is far from optimal. But I’m not willing to cut it off until we at least meet and see if there’s a spark. Then a more informed decision can be made.

When you’ve modified your deal breakers in the past, what did you modify and were you glad you did? Or did you later realize why it was a deal breaker and resolve not to budge in the future?
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Did you know that all of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 books are now available in hard copy? Your order will delivered in a few days. For example, if you want to know more about deal breakers and what’s really important in a man, get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Part of the allure of the TV singing competition “The Voice” is that the contestants are judged initially on only the quality of their singing. I can see the wisdom of this, as one’s appearance and movements affect how we respond to them and it could sway how one votes for a performer.

I thought about how this applies to dating. We want to believe we fall for someone based on their inner being, not their outward appearance. Yet we need to feel attracted to someone and most often that involves their outer image. I’ve been in relationships with people I wasn’t drawn to physically because I liked their personality, but it’s not common to do so. And I’ve fallen for handsome men who treated me poorly.

This week, a man who lives thousands of miles away has started corresponding with me, initially by email, and now by IM. He’s smart, funny, articulate, and educated. We’ve exchanged pics, of course. I don’t like to spend time on people who aren’t local, but this guy is fun.

We haven’t even talked on the phone, but he says he’s developing feelings for me. I know not to take this seriously, as I don’t believe one can develop true feelings for someone without having met. I’ve fallen for that in the past, beginning to get emotionally connected to someone only from emails and phone calls. Then when we’ve met, there was no physical attraction, or he acted different in person, or he treated me poorly.

So can we really find a connection with someone without seeing them, a la The Voice? Some would say you are able to experience the person’s true essence without the distractions of their physical appearance. However, it’s easy to pretend to be a certain way when the only communication is virtual. When someone’s smile, eye contact, facial expressions, walk, movement and how they treat you is so crucial to creating a connection, how can you really do so without a physical meeting?

I think of olden days when people would court via mail, become engaged and only meet right before the wedding. How did those marriages work out? I’m sure some did well and others didn’t. About the same as our marriages nowadays. I know they had much different criteria for a marriage in those days.

What do you think — have you developed true feelings for someone before you’ve met in person? Then did it continue as a relationship? Or have you experienced the same as me — a lot of time invested before meeting then to have it fizzle at the first date?
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If you want to explore other things to consider about online dating, get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

Thank you Taylor Swift, for a lyric that perfectly reflects my sentiment. Especially now.

Why?

A month ago, my boyfriend from 3 years past indicated he “liked” my photos on a dating site. Keep in mind during 5 months of exclusivity he repeatedly told me I was perfect for him, then broke up with me by text. Following the text, he asked me to remove him from my contact list.

Now, he’s reaching out? No thanks.

I didn’t respond.

This week he texted me, “Hey beautiful, hoping you have a great new year.”

I didn’t respond.

Why?

If I responded with just “Thanks” he could interpret that I wanted to have more contact.

I could have responded, “You jerk. You asked me to remove you from my contacts yet you are now contacting me. Get lost.” But that, no doubt, would have riled him into writing hateful, hurtful comments, as he’s done in the past.

So no response seemed best. Just don’t engage. An absence of communication means “No thanks.”

We’ll see if that’s how he reads it.

No matter what, however, we are never, ever getting back together. Thanks for the verbiage, Taylor. Perfect. It’s sad that a lyric about teenage love is applicable for midlife daters, too.
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Want to understand ways to let go when a relationship is done? Get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache

As a kid, were you ever disappointed when Santa didn’t deliver a coveted gift? I was. I would pout and sometimes even cry from disappointment, not being interested in the socks and clothing gifts that were utilitarian but not something I’d yearned for. I know I should have been grateful to have anything, but a kid’s mind doesn’t always work that way. Especially when my siblings seemed to get their highly desired gifts. They were pleased with Santa’s largesse.

Fast forward to adulthood. When we find a sweetheart at the holidays, we may attribute the treasure to Santa, or more likely, to a higher power. But what if you don’t get the gift of a sweetie yet your single friends do?

It’s hard to not feel left out and disappointed.

In the last 6 weeks, two of my dear, single pals have found matches — people who share a mutual admiration. Both couples seem smitten and are enjoying the throes of fresh love. I eagerly question my pals about their sweeties and am sincerely glad they have found someone great.

Meanwhile, I look at my empty Christmas stocking and wonder how — and why — Santa has forsaken me.

Yet, I have been with sweeties during holidays past. Most were strange misfits for me. Like the one who bought me a set of “proper” red wine glasses since he didn’t like the ones I had, even though I don’t drink red wine. Or the guy who bought me a new cell phone with a walkie-talkie feature so he could talk to me any time — even though I already had a cell phone I liked and this would cost me $100/month. Or the one who invited himself to my family celebration, then heaped mashed potatoes on his plate so high they fell onto the tablecloth.

So sometimes, I’ve learned, it’s better to be sweetieless for the holidays than to be with someone who makes the season worse, not better.

But it is nice when you have someone with whom to take in the holiday light displays, attend choral performances, and enjoy seasonal events. So now I’ve learned to do these activities by myself or with friends rather than miss out.

Perhaps Santa is just a little late with his present. Maybe my gift guy will appear on Epiphany. Stay tuned!

As much as I love John Legend, his “Tonight” lyric is indicative of men who over promise and under deliver. If a man brags about his prowess in kissing or sex, you can bet you will be disappointed.

When a man’s online profile claims he’s a great kisser — or more — I immediately sever contact. My experience has proven a man is delusional who brags about any exceptional talent or endowment in a sexual arena. Even if a man doesn’t put his adeptness in writing but shares it verbally, my red flag warning signal goes into action. Hubris does not bode well.

Before I knew better, I’d actually believe a man’s declarations as fact. Only when I was disappointed time and time again, did I figure out the truth — men who are actually stellar at these acts don’t need to boast about it. If they crow, there is a problem. Seems common sense now, but at the time I hadn’t cracked the code.

Not only should you be on guard at anyone who asserts some out-of-the-ordinary finesse, but you should monitor your own profile and verbiage to ensure you aren’t making similar claims. If you declare out-of-the-world kissing skills, you’ll attract a lot of men who want to test you, whether you want to be kissed by them or not.

However, sharing a love of kissing is different than saying you can tie a knot in a cherry stem with your tongue. A date once asked me if I liked to kiss. I said, “Yes, I love good kissing.” The distinction helped him see that I didn’t like just any kind of kissing — there had to be a quality to it.

What’s your experience with those who declare their extraordinariness in this area? Is it a turn off or turn on? Have you been disappointed more often than pleased?

_______________________

If you’d like to understand more about what to look for before even going out with a man, get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates,

My married BFF has patiently listened to my dating ups and downs for many years. At her suggestion, we decided to attend a well-known church’s fundraiser comprised of an evening of foot-stomping, hip-wiggling music and finger food. She said, “Our kind of men will be there.” Since she is married, I assumed she meant successful, music-loving, charity-supporting men — not married ones!

Upon arrival, we quickly staked out good seats since ours were unassigned. I sat to appreciate our vantage, perched over the middle-aisle exit so we had no one to block our view. She quickly said, “We’re not going to meet any interesting men sitting here.” We were off to enjoy the free wine and hors d’oeuvres.

Since we were bedecked in our holiday attire, we decided we should have a commemorative picture. She looked around for a suitable photographer — preferably a single, tall man. She saw two such subjects chatting nearby and asked if they would accommodate our request for a pic. The taller of the two — a 40-something dimpled baldy — said he’d be happy to. His companion joined in deciding the right angle and lighting.

After clicking two pics — one for insurance — a professional photographer appeared  asking if we wanted a pic with the four of us. “Sure” we said, although we had no idea who these mystery men were. After taking a shot with his camera — which we’d have to buy — I asked if he’d take one with mine. He did. So now we have a lovely photo of the four of us, the two men bookending my BFF and me. In the pic, Mr. Dimple even became chummy and put his arm around my BFF! And he didn’t even know her name!

They chatted for a while, but no one asked for the other’s digits. Oh well.

At intermission, in the foyer we picked up a Chinese takeout box containing two pieces of fried chicken. I grabbed mine as BFF said she needed to go the the ladies room. I tagged along to wash my hands since there was no cutlery available. Noticing no seating in the foyer, I sat on the comfy couch in the ladies room, happily munching my chicken. When my BFF appeared, she said “We aren’t going to meet any men in the ladies room!” and we were off.

We were unsuccessful trolling for suitable suitors, as the foyer was now jam-packed. We enjoyed the rest of the concert and hung out afterwards to nibble on dessert. But alas, no one stepped forward who would be a good prospect to nibble my neck later.

What did I learn? That my BFF was more motivated to help me meet men than I was. And she was better at it! Probably, we decided, because she had nothing to lose. If she was rejected, she didn’t care since she had her hubby waiting at home. She wasn’t looking for someone for herself, but someone for me.

I’m now committed to channeling her boldness and be more outgoing at my next social outing. I suppose one can learn to be one’s own wing man/woman.

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Are you ready to be your own wing woman and meet some new men? If so, get your copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? Or gift a copy for a midlife friend.

I’m channeling Britney, with an “oops, I did it again” experience this week.

I’d hit a dating dry spell of late with the men I’ve been encountering being too geographically, economically, or intellectually unsuitable. In a moment of weakness, I saw a man online who’d flirted with me 8 months ago, but then mysteriously cancelled an hour before our first encounter. He never called to explain.

When I reached out, it was more to see if he could justify his behavior rather than my wanting to kindle the brief spark we’d had. He responded to my IM and apologized profusely for his vanishing act. He seemed sincere, and while his excuse was weak, I found myself enjoying our exchange.

Shortly, he asked if he could call me to chat, and I said yes. I was surprised he still had my number in his address book. When he called, he said how much he’d beaten himself up for flaking on me. Being naturally a bit skeptical, I was not falling for this hook, line and sinker, but also I tend to be a forgiving person (often too much so). (See “Are you too tolerant?“)

He made me laugh. He spoke intelligently. He seemed sincerely contrite. He asked if he could take me to lunch or coffee. I buckled and agreed to meet him for a late lunch the next day at a restaurant he chose half-way between our homes.

After we hung up, he emailed me the restaurant’s name, address and phone number as well as some recent pics of himself. We also had a brief IM conversation that included the following. He said he’d lost his cell phone and had ordered a new one which was to arrive within the next 2 days.

Me: Since you’re cell-less right now, what if I have to reach you en route tomorrow?

Him: If I don’t hear from you, I will be leaving my name with the hostess and she will give me any messages in case you call. I will also call you before I leave my home to let you know that I am on the way, and when I arrive at the restaurant. Either way, we won’t lose connection, and if you need to cancel or get hold of me, you may call the restaurant. I won’t lose touch with you ever again….

The next morning, I emailed him responding to a question. I heard nothing back via email, call or IM.

Going to the restaurant’s website to get directions, I noticed it was open only for dinner, thus leaving us in the lurch at our appointed time. Unable to reach him, I waited for the call he promised as he was leaving home so we could decide a plan B. I wasn’t going to get dolled up and drive to the restaurant before I heard from him as we might agree to another venue. Plus, he’d previously cancelled at the last minute so I needed confirmation he was going to show up.

He didn’t call to say he’d left his house, nor that he’d arrived at the closed restaurant, nor to see why I didn’t show up (assuming he did show up, which I doubt).

If I hadn’t noticed the hours on the restaurant’s website, I would have spent time getting ready, driving 30 minutes to the restaurant, then waiting for him. It’s been more than 24 hours since our appointed time and I’ve heard nary a peep from him in any form.

What could possibly go through a man’s mind to make it OK to say you’ll call then don’t, then not to call or reach out to see what happened ? Or to call and say you can’t make it? Or to set a date you have no intention of making? This is not only rude, but mean.

Yep, I did it again. I fell for his sweet talking. Shame on me.

However, I don’t understand what he could possibly get out of this behavior. Does he have a personality disorder that enjoys the playing with his prey, like a cat with a bug, but not the actual completion of the “catch”? If he was a scammer, he’d find a way to keep me on the hook until I gave him what he wanted. But what does a man like this want? Just to know he can get a woman to agree to meet him? Sounds pretty sick to me.

_______________

While this guy has me flummoxed, I have learned a lot about midlife men. I share what I know in Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors. Get yours today!

There are many reasons we are attracted to someone or not. Often, it takes a while to experience their behaviors before we decide if we like who they are or not. And it’s fascinating to see how some overlook actions that would be deal breakers to others.

Yesterday we had an extended family celebration at a rented community center. My 25-year-old niece, her boyfriend and I took charge of the kitchen duties. My niece and I would confer on what needed to be done next and how best to do it. The boyfriend, however, took it on himself to decide what he would do. When my niece suggested a different approach, he’d push back.

Sometimes we weren’t all in the kitchen at the same time so I wasn’t always present for their discussions . After delivering a dish to the buffet table, I scanned what was in progress and what needed to happen next.

With the boyfriend absent, I noticed 3/4 of the chicken wings were in the oven. Since there was plenty of room in the  pan, I didn’t understand why all of it wasn’t warming. I asked my niece what she was intending for the other pieces. She said the boyfriend thought some people might want to eat it cold. I said, “They wouldn’t know they had that option until it was on their plate and they picked it up.” In other words, there was no need for the separation.

At the end of the event, while I was out of the kitchen bringing in dishes, he took it upon himself to throw out perfectly good food. One of our group was planning to take leftovers to a homeless family shelter she supports. The dishes would have been a treat for them. The boyfriend had thrown out fruit, chicken, vegetables and other food the families would have enjoyed. I asked him to stop so we could salvage some of the food not yet in the trash.

When we transferred the food to serving platters, I’d carefully saved the resealable dishes and bags the food came in. I told the other two that we’d save these in case there were leftovers. Since we were in a rented facility, not a home, there were no zip bags or containers for leftovers. After dinner, when I returned to the kitchen to clean up, I noticed these containers were gone, with nothing for the leftovers. When I asked them where the containers were, he said he’d taken them to the trash to make more room. Arrgh. I made do by putting leftovers in large cups covered with plastic wrap.

It cemented my belief that I would have a difficult time being with someone whose thinking process I didn’t respect. Of course, in this case it’s more than his thinking that I don’t like — it’s his acting independently, making decisions that affect others without any sense of the havoc he’s wrecking for later. I greatly admire people who think through their decisions, but are flexible to make adjustments along the way.

So was I irritated with him for not thinking like me? Perhaps. But if he’d thought differently yet had a similar or better result, great! I don’t have a lock on good ideas. What bothers me is that he has a “I know best” attitude without being open to anyone else’s input. My niece and I would bounce things off each other and were happy if the other had a better idea.

My niece doesn’t like this part of him, but she is very forgiving of behaviors her mother, sister and I think are unacceptable. Yes, we are judgmental, but know we aren’t in a relationship with him. Although, we do find it hard to be around him.

As you begin to date someone, notice how you feel about his thinking process. Can you live with it, no matter how different it is from how you’d approach a situation? Or, are you like me, and lose respect for people who’s decisions seem ill-thought to you?

___________________

Want more ways to think about if you should release someone you’re dating or not? Get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

Unfamiliar with the term? Think of being in a primary relationship, but with the ability to have sex with others. Openly. With your sweetheart’s knowledge and permission.

One of my acquaintances has this kind of relationship. She and her husband have permission from the other to “see” others. They refer to their relationship as polyamorous. In fact, one of her husband’s girlfriends moved into their home for a while!

In my dating adventure, one man asked if I’d be open to an open relationship. I was not. I don’t know if he already had a primary relationship or was just wanting not to be tied down. Since we had different needs, I didn’t really need to know more.

Nearly every day we hear about some celebrity or high-ranking official being caught having had sex with someone other than his/her main squeeze — without said squeeze’s permission. So one could argue, it’s happening all around us, why make it verboten? Why not acknowledge the likelihood that one or both of you would be attracted to someone else and say a brief fling is okay?

Of course, it boils down to one’s values and needs. If one highly values monogamy, then an open relationship is out of the question. Others see it as still being monogamous, as they say the on-the-side tryst isn’t really a relationship, just a physical fling. They are still devoted to their primary sweetie.

My last boyfriend was in a polyamorous relationship with me and his “previous” girlfriend. “Previous” is in quotes because, unbeknownst to me, he hadn’t broken it off with her and was still having sex with her. That’s not polyamorous to me, as I had no knowledge nor had I given permission. That’s just cheating.

I distinguish multi-dating from polyamory. Multi-dating is pre-sexual dating several people simultaneously while sorting out which — if any — of the current wooers to continue seeing. Once exclusivity is determined by both parties, monogamy sets in.

I know polyamory isn’t for me, but I don’t judge others if it’s fine for them — as long as they aren’t concurrently in a relationship with me and another woman without my knowledge!

What do you think about an open relationship? Would you consider it? What if someone you were dating wanted to have one?

________________

Want to explore how to date several others ethically? Get your copy of Multidating Responsibly: Play the Field Without Being A Player.

A pal who ended a decade-long relationship a year ago has fallen for a woman he met a few weeks ago. It’s the first person he’s dated after his relationship ended.

I’m fighting the urge to run screaming into traffic yelling, “It’s not fair!”

I have gone out with 112 men, only really falling for one who, after my rose-colored fog lifted, I saw as a controlling, abusive, self-absorbed man. Ah, love!

So now my friend’s love-fueled giddiness has me thinking what so many unintentional singles muse: “What’s wrong with me?”

“Why,” we wonder, “am I still single? My friends think I’m terrific!”

Of course, we know that being terrific in our friends’ eyes is not enough. After all, we’ve met (or been set up with) a friend’s “terrific” pal, only to experience someone who drones on about himself or you have to pull out more than monosyllabic responses to your questions. Or he chews with his mouth open, takes calls during dinner, or hasn’t been clothes shopping since 1980.

Sure, these guys are nice guys — if you don’t plan on spending time alone with them, introducing them to your parents, or getting naked with them.

But wait — could we have some glaring character flaw — what we like to think of as a quirk — that could be keeping us single? Do we have some annoying habit that is really only irritating to someone who wants more than a party guest or movie companion? Wouldn’t someone who loves us take us aside and say, “You know when you go into minute detail on matters than no one cares about? You need to stop that if you don’t want to die a spinster.”

Or maybe you’re just fine and you just haven’t found that elusive needle in the proverbial dating haystack — the one who sweeps you off your feet (orthotic-installed shoes and all) and will keep you loving him despite his quirks. And of course, he’ll keep loving you, as well.

So, as I’m sure you would, I wish my pal well with his new love and ask for as many details as he cares to share. I am happy for him. And it gives me hope that my guy is right around the corner and we’ll meet up very soon.

____________________

Want to understand more of what to expect in midlife dating? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping

Dinner was high atop the Istanbul Intercontinental Hotel in the City Lights Restaurant. We met at 8:15 so the sun had set and the lights on the Anatolian (Asian) side of the city were tinkling. The ships scurried below us and the Bosporus Bridge lights were putting on their show by changing color every few minutes.

It was very romantic.

I was surrounded by interesting, intelligent, good-looking, well-groomed, impeccably mannered men who each took it upon himself to make sure I was well taken care of.

And one woman.

They all ensured I had engaging conversation, sharing their life paths and asking me questions about mine.

Thanks to a friend’s connection, I had been invited to dine with the concierges of the top hotels in Istanbul.

I was smitten.

I was impressed with each of them. Had they been single — and straight — it would have been hard for me to decide which one I would like to have woo me.

For although I knew it was an impossibility to actually marry one of these true gentlemen, it did make me appreciate being in their company.

In addition to their gentlemanliness and charm, they had special skills! It would be great to have a man who could get hard-to-find tickets or dinner reservations, who could speak fluently in several languages, and who knew how to get things done!

I thought, “How do I find a man like this? Hang out in high-end hotels and schmooze with the concierge, hoping s/he will fix me up with one of their clients?” The only problem with this is their clients are transients. They are at the hotel only momentarily, even if they return often. I want someone who is based nearby, not afar.

And, based on the stories these men shared, some of their wealthier clients are amazingly selfish and self-absorbed. They expect miracles at the snap of their fingers and then berate the staff if they don’t get it. Plus, these rich guys don’t know how to do anything for themselves since they have staff to do everything.

So I’ll continue my search for a concierge-like man, but my quest will extend beyond 5-star hotels.

____________________

Want to explore what you want in your next mate? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

I thought that would get your attention!

Europeans seem to have much different feelings about body image than Americans do. (I realize I’m generalizing here.) People of all ages, shapes and sizes seem more carefree at the beach and other places where one lets it all hang out. I’m wondering how that affects their dating, especially in midlife.

Let me explain how I’ve come to this inquiry.

Today I had a Turkish bath or hamam — a real one for the locals, not tourists! A 24-year-old friend took me — and I’m glad she did. I wouldn’t have figured out the system without her!

There were 2 rooms for ladies with a large, raised slab of marble in the middle of each. Around the perimeter of each room a marble lip filled with nearly naked women sitting and every 5 or 6 feet a fountain with hot and cold always-running water. While waiting our turn for a scrub and massage on the slabs, we warmed or cooled ourselves by dipping bowls in the water and pouring them on ourselves.

After an hour, my turn came. I laid face down on the marble slab which doesn’t sound comfortable, but it was. The middle-aged bikini-clad attendant (keseci) scrubbed vigorously to clean my skin, front and back. Then she rinsed me, then applied lotion and gave me a speed-massage. It was very good, but the whole thing, scrubbing and lotion massage, took about 20 minutes.

As we waited, I marveled at the body shapes and sizes of the women of all ages. No one seemed particularly self-conscious, although some choose to wear bathing suits instead of the more common undies only. I wish young American woman could experience something like this to see that women of all ages, sizes and shapes are comfortable with their bodies.

I wondered how their comfort with their bodies, no matter what shape and size, affected their dating, especially those in midlife. I have no way of knowing who was dating, or what their experience was. After all, I speak no Turkish!

But I know how self-conscious many of my midlife dating friends are about their body’s shape — or lack of being in shape. They feel less than appealing and I think that affects how they draw others to them.

Next time I’ll have to learn some Turkish to ask my topless bath companions!

_______________

Want to explore other aspects of dating? Get Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

With apologies to Shakespeare, I was reminded of his line in Hamlet when a potential suitor recently showered me — or more like drowned me — in texts.

Once we’d exchanged a few emails and he secured my cell phone number, he began his texting campaign — before we’d even spoken! When he asked when I’d be available to speak, I told him from 8-10 p.m. the following day. So that morning, his assault started. Two bromide-laden messages appeared at 9:20 — during a client call.

Throughout the day I received 8 more. Meanwhile, he called me at 11 and 2:30 — both during my business day and I was in meetings so I let it go to voice mail immediately. What part of “8-10 pm) was confusing?

He sent a few more texts then called in the evening. We talked briefly and it was a bit awkward. Afterward he sent me three texts telling me he enjoyed our talk.

Since I send and receive very few texts, I’m on a 200/month plan which is more than adequate for the few “I’m on my way” or “I’ll be a few minutes late” texts to pals. So I emailed him that evening a message to please not text me unless it’s an emergency.

The next morning his text awakened me at an hour before my usual waking time. Now I’m ticked! His message: “Rise and shine!” How assumptive that I was up — or wanting to be so — rather than enjoying the last REM to be fully rested before a full day. Plus, was he obtuse? Did he not understand that I didn’t want to be texted?

So when I was fully awake, I texted him asking if he got my email about texts.

It took him two texts to say no!

Arrgh!

The texts have now stopped as well as the emails and calls.

This man was too different in communication preferences for us to be a match.

BTW, there were other mismatches, too. He sent me the exact same email several times, repeating what he’d written when we talked. This shows no consciousness in communication and that he had boilerplate messages saved. At the best, he was juggling several women and forgot who he’d sent what to. At the worst, this is the sign of a foreign scammer (among other details that led me to this conclusion.)
_______________

Want to understand more clues he’s worth going out with — or not? Get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.

Brain scans show that the same regions of the brain are activated after taking cocaine as when subjects were shown pictures of someone they said they were in love with.

When I’ve been in love, I’ve relished the feeling: the excitement when hearing his voice, getting his text or email, even just looking at his picture. Such euphoria.

And it extends beyond direct triggers of him. Food tastes better, colors more vivid, music better, touch more sensual. A huge grin seems plastered on one’s face. Life just seems better. Much better.

But the part we don’t realize in our narcotic-like haze is that our judgement is clouded. We don’t see obvious signs that others around us see clearly. We overlook glaring clues that this relationship will cause us heartbreak sooner or later — or could even be dangerous.

In reviewing my last relationship, I now see how the man who captured my heart was controlling and abusive. One of my best friends tried to discuss his selfish behavior. I responded with excuses for his inexcusable behavior.

Since in retrospect we see our judgement is not always the best, why do we allow ourselves to plunge head first into the fray? If we were wise, we’d arrange with close friends to not just be invited to tell us what we’re not seeing, but be obligated to. And when they do, we have to promise not to get mad.

Maybe we’d need to make a sign for our mirror about this agreement.:-)

If you are not now in love, what would you advise your future in-love self so you can avoid the pitfalls you usually fall into? Or what would you advise others for when they find themselves falling in love?

_________________

Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?
http://www.datinggoddess.com/new-books-by-dating-goddess/date-or-wait-are-you-ready-for-mr-great/

A good-looking, successful, kind, generous, attentive, single man is wooing my single friend. He tells her how much he adores her and wants to be with her. He tells her it’s OK to take her time; he doesn’t want to pressure her.

And yet she’s uncomfortable.

Why?

Because he’s 37 and she’s 57.

He’s fine with the age difference. She is looking ahead and seeing that in 10, 15 or 20 years, their physical needs will most likely be very different. She doesn’t want him to waste his good years on someone who’s so much older.

We discussed how different this is than if the genders were reversed. Few men would be concerned about the future needs of a 2-decades-younger woman.

She’s trying not to fall for him. She asked me how to protect her heart from falling for someone who she feels isn’t right for the long term.

I tell her he’s a fully grown man, capable of making his own decisions. If he likes spending time with her and falls for her, he is going in with his eyes wide open. She needn’t try to protect him. She should do what feels right to her.

I also tell her it’s completely alright to be in “fond” right now if she doesn’t feel she’s falling in love. Love is something that builds. However, if she doesn’t feel she can or will allow herself to fall in love with him, she should let him go. It’s not fair to him to string him along.

So if she thinks she’ll never be okay with their 20-year age difference, she should tell him so. But if she’s only not letting her heart be open because she’s trying to protect him, she’s treating him like a child.

It’s natural to want to protect someone we care about. But there’s a line between protecting and infantilizing them.

If he enjoys her company and she his, there’s really no reason to not spend time together. Her 30ish daughters are both fine with it, even though she tells him he should really be dating them. He says he doesn’t want to date them, he wants to date her. He loves her wisdom, confidence, experience.

Part of her wants to surrender to this loving, attentive, gentleman. But she holds back because she wants to protect him.

Have you ever had this dilemma? You would jump feet first into a loving relationship except for one thing that doesn’t bother him, but you think it should? Share your thought process and what you learned.

In the last few months I’ve heard two stories of midlife women learning the man they were dating had an addiction.

* A 60-something woman had met a similarly aged man and they started seeing each other. She enjoyed their local short outings and he seemed to be a good companion. They decided to take a vacation to Hawaii.

The first morning they arose and she asked what he wanted to do. She’d wanted to sight-see, snorkel and swim in the adjacent lagoon, take in a local show, shop and go for an easy hike.

He said he wanted to have a few mimosas then have lunch. Then he planned to “relax” at the hotel for the rest of the day. They went to the bar for his mimosas, then he had more during lunch. After lunch, she wanted to get out of the hotel, he told her to enjoy herself and he’d be at the bar when she returned. He didn’t move except to the dining room for dinner, then back to the bar for after dinner drinks. He drank from 10 a.m. to midnight. She had a glass of wine with dinner, then got bored and went to bed.

Her vacation with her partner turned out to be her doing everything by herself as he drank all day long. She expressed her disappointment and he said it was his vacation and he’d do what he wanted. Needless to say, they were not a couple when they returned home.

* A 58-year-old widow found a local man with similar interests. They played tennis, went to the movies, and cooked for each other. When they dined together once a week, she noticed he could polish off a bottle of wine by himself. She liked a glass or two, so didn’t think it was a big deal. Until they went away for the weekend.

Like the aforementioned guy, she witnessed his drinking all day long. He was too tipsy to hike, bike, play tennis — none of the things they’d discussed doing beforehand. She realized she hadn’t noticed his drinking at home because they weren’t together for more than a few hours, and he abstained during those activities. He never seemed sloshed, so she had no idea he had a drinking problem.

She, like the woman mentioned above, realized his drinking was more important then she was. Even after the women shared how the men’s drinking affected them, the men had no desire to work toward sobriety.

Alcoholism is a disease — one that can be very difficult to address and keep in check. However, I have many friends in recovery and they tell me that with desire, strong will, and often support from others it can be kept in check. However, if one doesn’t want to do anything about it, there’s not a lot someone else can do, other than make sure you don’t become an enabler or victim.

I briefly dated a man who I quickly saw was an alcoholic, although he didn’t see it. In our day’s outing, he had two drinks every few hours. First, it was with lunch. Then, a mid-afternoon “snack.” Then before-dinner drinks, wine with dinner, and a few after-dinner drinks. This was too much for me to feel comfortable. He became more and more surly as he drank. We didn’t continue after that outing.

Have you dated someone whose addiction become apparent? If so, how did you deal with it?

__________________

Want to know what else you should look for in deciding to keep dating someone? Get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

It seems that when I gather with one or more single gal pals, the subject soon turns to dating. Today’s gathering was no different.

This conversation centered around a pal who’d recently lost 100 pounds and felt she was ready to re-enter the dating scene. She had new-found confidence and was anxious to find love.

A bit too anxious.

She disclosed that she’d been buying boxes of condoms so she’d be prepared if the opportunity presented itself for a roll in the hay. But then she’d toss out each box as it reached its expiration date. Then she’d get a little depressed at the realization she’d not yet met anyone to romp with.

I asked her why she felt compelled to keep buying condoms.

She said she wanted to be ready.

Just moments before she’d shared that she tells her single gal pals to never shave their legs for a first date so they won’t be tempted to jump in the sack so soon.

I asked her if having a gross of condoms wasn’t being ready too soon? After all, if you begin dating someone and want to have sex, you’d have time to buy protection. Or he could go to the store. Or — most importantly — he would supply the condom.

She seemed shocked at this idea that the man would take care of the condom.

She stuttered, “You’re right. It’s really not my job — not my responsibility — to provide the condom.”

“Exactly. In fact, if you pull out a box of condoms in front of him, it would signal that you are easy and prepared for lots of sex with virtual strangers.”

“I see what you’re saying.”

“Besides,” I continued, “they come in different sizes. You wouldn’t want him to be embarrassed if it was too big. Or have it rip if it’s too small.” I smiled.

She vowed she’d go home and throw out her stash.

While I believe protection is both parties’ responsibility, you can take care of your part by just standing by the “no glove, no love” rule. If he wants to bed you, he will come prepared. If not, he needs to take care of it or no romping. You’re better than someone who’s so desperate for love that you provide everything.

What’s your experience with being prepared for too-soon sex?

_____________________

Want to understand more about what you might face with situations around sex and dating? Get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

Generally, I believe tolerance is good. You are open to new ideas and perspectives. You’re not rigid and adamant that your way is the only way. (Note: As I get older, I find I’m more and more intolerant of intolerance!)

Since I’m generally pro-tolerance, why would I suggest that too much tolerance in dating can be detrimental?

I had this epiphany while coaching a soon-to-be-dating midlife pal. She was asking how to get into the dating scene and what to watch out for. As I gave her signs of scammers, married men, and those just wanting a romp in the hay, I noticed the stories I told of being hoodwinked all had one thing in common — I’d been too tolerant of questionable behavior.

I’m not talking naive here (well, maybe a tad), just giving a man the benefit of a doubt when he behaved differently than I’d expected. In other words, allowing men to get away with behaviors I now see few would, well, tolerate.

What do I mean? The list is a tad embarrassing through my now-opened eyes.

• Passionate kissing on a first date.
• Thinking an invitation to watch a DVD at his house on the second date meant he wanted to watch a DVD.
• Interpreting “I’m separated” meant his wife knew this, too!
• Hearing “You’re the one for me” didn’t mean “at this second, as I’m also still boffing my ‘ex’-girlfriend.”
• Leaving personal items at my house — in an empty drawer — without asking — after the second sleep-over.
• Bringing his shaving kit to my house for our second date.
• Insisting I close the drapes to my living room where we were talking (he had other plans for our next activities).
• Letting him talk me into watching the TV show in my bedroom (where he hadn’t been before) as it would be more comfortable to stretch out.
• Wanting to show me his “really cool” view from his hotel room during his trip to see me.
• Continuing to have hours-long text conversations with me, even thought I’d asked repeatedly to shift to the phone.
• Putting up with week-long communication absences from a local, and assumedly single, man.

In retrospect, my tolerance lead to an unhappy ending. At the time I thought, “That’s interesting” but had no idea of the true meaning.

Am I saying you should be intolerant? No. But I’m saying if you think something is odd, ask about it. And if his explanation doesn’t make sense, don’t buy it. And if you think something has the possibility of going awry, trust your gut and say you’re not comfortable with it. If he tries to convince you that you’re being paranoid, even more reason to say no. A mature man who wants to have a long-term relationship with you will respect your feelings and preferences.

As you begin to trust that he honors your wishes, you can loosen up. But in the beginning when he hasn’t shown that, know that many people only have their own interests in mind. And for someone you’re just starting to date, have no tolerance for that mindset.

________________

Want to understand more about what to expect as you begin dating again? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping

The men were well dressed, intelligent, good looking, successful, good communicators. They smiled and laughed easily and were outgoing.

I moved among them, chatting and flirting. They were engaging and interesting.

Yet I felt I was starving at this feast of men.

Why?

They were married.

Argh.

I was not at a singles event, but at my professional association’s convention. The men — and women — are some of the most interesting you’ll ever meet. They are thought leaders, making a difference in the lives they touch.

This is where I met my ex.

Of course, there are some single men. Since I’ve become single, I’ve had dinner with a few of them. But we didn’t click.

So I enjoy my interactions with the men who’ve become dear friends and colleagues. They are treasures in my life. We enjoy each other’s company. I meet their wives and become pals with some of them, too.

If you find yourself in a similar feast of intriguing men, don’t be disappointed at their unavailability. Look at it as an opportunity to practice your conversational skills. You never know when one of them has a single best friend.

____________________

Need help remembering why you’d be a great match? Get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

This is the motto for some married travelers. They see solo journeys as an opportunity to cheat.

Of course, cheaters don’t need to be away from home to be opportunistic. One can cheat with one’s next door neighbor if one wants. A new friend shared that her now ex-fiancé had another fiancée 5 miles from her house — concurrent with her engagement.

During my recent two-week Turkey sojourn I was aware of the many chances to explore a fling if I desired. Waiters and shop keepers seemed particularly willing. They have a steady supply of potential romp-mates. My 53-year-old travel partner accepted a maître d’s offer for a make out session. He would have liked more. We have no idea if he’s married.

For some, being away from home releases them from any vow of monogamy. It’s easier to have a dalliance when they don’t have to worry about running into someone they know. They make a practice of trolling hotel bars for lonely, susceptible singles.

I succumbed to a pseudo-liaison while on a week-long ski trip soon after becoming engaged. My now-ex didn’t ski so I went with a group from a previous job. I had no intention of cheating when the trip began, but a friend of one of our group showered me with attention and pampering and wore me down by week’s end. As the days passed, my then-fiance’s hold on me weakened — along with my ability to resist the consistent wooing. When I returned home, I vowed — and kept the vow — to never dally again.

How do you know if the man you’re dating is of the “wheels up ring off” ilk? You may never know. Unlike if you are married or living with someone, you don’t have access to credit card bills or other telltale evidence. (Although there are plenty of married cheaters who cover their indiscretions.)

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Want to know other things to consider before deciding if the man you’re dating is a keeper? Get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

A gal pal mentioned that no one flirts with her. Or if someone does, she doesn’t know it. We are in Turkey and she is learning to get her flirt on.

It seems that part of a Turkish boy’s initiation into manhood is a lesson on flirting. Or maybe this is just among merchant and restaurant classes.

When we enter an eatery, we smile and make eye contact. We are greeted with, “Hello beautiful.” Chatting with our waiters, soon we hear, “Yes, my darling” in response to our questions. Some outright ask us to go dancing with them when they are off shift.

I play along with a flirtatious waiter whose name — really — is Romeo. “Dearest Romeo, my we have some more butter please?” “Of course, my darling,” he responds as he smiles and trots off to fetch it.

Walking in the Grand Bazaar, the young men shopkeepers beckon us with “You have beautiful eyes,” or “Come beautiful, take a look,” or my favorite, “Is it my turn yet?”

These are all innocent, albeit a tad smarmy, but they make me laugh or smile. I know they are phrases used to entice us to part with our lira, but they fleetingly feel good nonetheless.

Learning to flirt in safe places will increase your confidence and skills for when you find someone you really want to play with. If you can’t flirt in innocuous circumstances, it will be harder to do when you want to.

I logged onto a favorite dating site and eagerly opened the daily matches that are based upon mutual criteria. Only rarely is there someone who seems a match, but I look nonetheless.

On this site, one has no control over which profiles are served — the match’s whole profile just shows up in one’s daily matches. There is no preview with location, age and pics as with other sites. Because you are taken to their profile immediately upon hitting “take me to my next match” it shows up in the matchee’s system as a “view.”

So imagine not only my surprise, but my stomach knot when I was taken to my last beau’s profile. I’d been so enamored with this man that I ignored his abuse and selfishness. I convinced myself I had fallen for him and made excuses for his manipulative ways. He said I was perfect for him until he texted his breakup message after nearly 6 months.

I didn’t know he was on this site as we’d met through another. I quickly scanned the page to see if I could block him, but I could not. I knew I was going to show up in his “who’s viewed you” screen. There was nothing I could do. I said “no” to the “Is he a match” question and quickly signed off.

The next few days I was reticent to log on, concerned that he might contact me once he saw I’d viewed him. He did click on my profile, but luckily did not make contact. I know abusers don’t see there is anything wrong with their behavior so have no compunction about contacting past victims. I wouldn’t have answered, but since he knows where I live, I was concerned he’d become curious and come over.

Rarely do I have a gut reaction to a past date. It made me thankful he was out of my life. I have empathy for those who’ve endured much worse abuse than I did.

Have you come across someone who’s treated you badly? Tell us what happened? How did you recompose yourself so you didn’t let their contact ruin your day or week?

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In Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache I share what I learned from the breakup with the aforementioned man, as well as others.

When they recorded “Somebody to Love” Jefferson Airplane made famous the sentiment that we all want someone to love:

Don’t you want somebody to love
Don’t you need somebody to love
Wouldn’t you love somebody to love
You better find somebody to love.

For many, loving someone is as important, if not more so, than having someone love them. One assumes that love is reciprocal, but of course, it’s not always.

I read the heartache in online profiles. Headlines like “Lonely One” or “Looking for someone to pamper.” Their essays share how they’d like someone to spoil. They’re communicating their need to share their love.

Some come across desperate. However, I understand the desire to make someone happy through loving actions. Often we get more back than we give when we go out of our way to make someone else’s day.

When we’ve gone too long without a special person to shower with our affection, it becomes pent up. I’ve been on the receiving end of too much attention and affection too soon — after a date or two. I’m guessing that I, too, erred on the smothering side early on in my dating adventure.

Some people relieve this bottled-up emotion by embracing a pet, child, friends or relatives. I have one long-single, midlife gal pal who treats her cat like her child, even insisting her guests watch his new tricks and focusing the conversation back to him whenever he does something she considers noteworthy. Her Facebook updates are full of pictures and comments about him.

What about you — do you feel you have a craving for someone to love? Isn’t that why we date — we want someone special to love and be loved by?
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I was interviewed on Outreach Today, along with two other dating experts. Mine starts about 25 minutes into the recording if you want to skip ahead.
http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/62197/online-offline-navigating-through-the-dating-game-with-dignity

One of the most common items I see listed under men’s “What I’m looking for” area in online profiles is “drama free.”

It makes me scratch my head wondering why it’s so common.

I guess some women (and of course, some men) live a life full of drama. The bad kind that comes from obnoxious exes, demanding baby daddies, overdue bills, kids running amok, overbearing bosses, to name just a few.

It’s understandable that a man would not want this stress added to his life from a woman he’s dating. I wouldn’t like it either. I hate dealing with people whose lives are a mess, even if some of that mess is not initiated by them.

But we all have setbacks. It’s not the setbacks, but how we deal with them that makes our life full of drama or not. I know some people have little control over their some of their circumstances, but you always have control over how much negative situations affect you.

For example, a gal pal has an overbearing, inappropriate boss. The woman boss spends hours on Facebook each day, posting pictures and commenting on her friends’ pages — even though it’s against company policy. She also reads aloud x-rated texts from her boyfriend — in front of my pal.

My friend has a lot of stress around this as she has to do a large part of her boss’ job since her boss is goofing off so much. She’s complained to HR but they say they can’t do anything unless the allegations can be proved.

The only thing my pal can do is work to not let it get her blood pressure up.

I know it’s not easy to remain unruffled by challenges you face. As you get closer to someone you’re dating it’s natural to share your concerns with him. Yet men are wired to want to fix things, especially if they care for a woman. So your drama signals to him he must fix it, even if you didn’t ask him to. If he feels he can’t fix it for you, he feels emasculated.

Look at your life objectively — would someone looking in think you had a lot of drama? If so, how could you reduce it? If you can’t reduce it, then you can at least reduce how much you talk about it with someone you’re dating. Be conscious of what you share as you don’t want to overwhelm anyone with life’s dysfunctions.

Whenever a man I’m starting to get to know asks me how much drama I have in my life I ask him to define what he means by drama. I have no baby daddies, no bill collectors, no overbearing exes. However, I do have the drama of being asked to work with orphans in Cambodia, or to join a group of Americans helping kids in Turkey learn English. To me that’s drama, but the positive kind.

What’s your definition of drama? How much of it do you have in your life?
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Find out more about how to get your dating life off the ground. Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

I know this question requires you to imagine you had the Men in Black memory eraser applied to you. Then you could forget all his lying, cheating, hurtfulness, selfishness, and/or slovenliness.

So imagine that you just met your now-ex — at a party, work, school, gym, with friends, in the hot tub — whatever would be plausible now at your current ages and location. You see him. Would you be drawn to talk to him?

Imagine you did talk to him, whether drawn to his physical look now or not. You start chatting and end up spending some time together. Would you want to get to know him better, even without romantic intentions or not? Would you like the man you’re getting to know?

This is a stretch, I know, to put aside all the reams of information you know about him now. But if you didn’t know the negative side, would you be drawn to get to know the man he now presents to the world?

I’ve had little contact with my ex in the past 9 years. We occasionally correspond, mostly by email and birthday cards, and have only seen each other 2 or 3 times in that span. I saw a picture of him recently and he’s not a bad looking 71-year-old. I’m guessing he’d still make me laugh as I would him. I think we’d enjoy talking about philosophy, life and spirituality.

If I were to meet him today, I’d think he was a nice and interesting man. Even if he wasn’t remarried, I doubt I’d think of him romantically. But I would welcome the opportunity to spend more time together and I could see myself becoming fond of him, but just as a friend.

Why wouldn’t I be drawn to him romantically? Mostly, because I’d see that we wanted different things from life. I’d think that he was a nice guy, but he definitely didn’t have the confidence or drive that I now want in a mate.

Why didn’t I see this nearly 30 years ago when we first met? He had some drive then and I thought he’d be able to execute his dreams, especially with me by his side helping and encouraging. I believe he did accomplish more and quicker with me as his wife than without me. But he just didn’t have what it took to be a self-starter and now I see that’s important to me. I am willing to emotionally support my mate, but not to continually prop him up.

When we were breaking up, my ex said, “If I met you now, I wouldn’t fall in love with you.” Cruel, I know. But he believed in being honest. It broke my heart, but yet, after recovering from the hurt, I realized I wouldn’t fall in love with him if we were to meet at that time, either.

My guess is that now in midlife you’re looking for something different in a man than you were when you met your ex. You’ve grown and matured and have a much better sense of what you want and need to make you happy. You may have mellowed on some criteria and become a sticker on others.

Last week a fellow globetrotting gal pal and I were sitting by the pool in Siem Reap, Cambodia during a 2-week trip to SE Asia. We were comparing notes about our recent dating lives. Or lack thereof. And our frustration at finding a sweetheart who had the means, time and desire to travel, and who had mutual attraction.

We share a lot of the same criteria for a man we’d welcome in our lives. We both want someone we find intellectually and physically attractive, and who could join us — even if only occasionally — on our global adventures. We’ve dated aggressively in our own home areas and not had much luck.

She asked, would you move to an area where there might be more of the type of man you’re looking for?

I thought about it.

I’ve tried long-distance relationships, and none have worked as I’ve found it’s way too hard to develop the closeness I want. But to move to an area just to find love?

Hmmm. Seems like a lot of effort.

She said she thought the men in Turkey and Greece would find me fetching. I have had a great time with the Greek men I’ve met. But then, there are Greek men in my area. Why not go to more Greek community activities?

But we kept talking.

How about just having an extended stay in one of those places, either domestically or internationally? Live there for a few months and see what happens?

She’s planning a trip to Turkey in the summer and invited me along. Maybe I’ll go on a man-scouting tour and see what happens. I’m not really into vacation romances, but I could see what the “inventory” is like.

Would you move to find love?
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Want to explore more about finding your match? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

It began 9 years ago today. I call it “The Great Awakening.”

Two days earlier we’d returned from a romantic week in a favorite city. We held hands walking in the rain-cleansed park, enjoyed restaurant meals and sight-seeing together, had laughs with friends, and had passionate nights.

He was intermittently moody during the vacation, sometimes walking 20 paces ahead or behind me saying he needed some solitude. I was used to this behavior, as it happened occasionally in our 20-year marriage. It was usually a phase and if I gave him space, he worked it out.

But returning home, he still seemed a bit distant. I asked if anything was wrong and he said no, so I figured he’d get over it soon enough. I fixed one of his favorite meals, and since it was Friday, we usually watched a movie.

As we were finishing dinner, he asked what I’d like to do after dinner, watch a DVD? I said sure.

Then there was a long pause. I’ll remember what he said next for the rest of my life.

He looked at me and said, “I think this marriage is over.”

I was dumb struck. I thought surely I’d heard him wrong. “What?” I asked not believing what I thought I’d heard.

“I think this marriage is done.”

“What are you talking about?” I was sure there must be some misunderstanding. We hadn’t been fighting — in fact, we never fought. We were rational, respectful people who taught others about how to communicate honestly. Our couples counselor said we could quit coming to her because we had become so good at working things out on our own.

He explained that he’d gone hiking a month ago and tried to figure out why he was unhappy.  He wanted to spend full time focusing on enhancing his spirituality, living alone praying and meditating. This was the first I’d heard of it. A voice came to him that our marriage was over. When I asked if his spiritual quest required him to not be married, he said yes. I asked if he wanted to spend some time alone to sort it out. He said he was sure, but we should try spending a while apart.

I started crying. We talked more. Finally, after a few hours, he said he needed to go to bed. He went into our bedroom and climbed into our bed. Still crying, I too, got ready for bed. I couldn’t sleep, I was constantly weeping. Surreally, he tried to comfort me. How could someone who caused the pain think he could comfort me?

The next day we decided it would be best if he stayed with a friend for a while. It was hard to be without the man I spent nearly all of every day with. I cried a lot. But one night, I was awakened by a voice clear and distinct: “Fresh start. New beginning.”

But I didn’t want a new start. I wanted my old marriage back. The one with the man I thought was my soul mate.

It took me a few weeks to embrace the voice’s message. I began to see that I had overlooked glaring problems in our marriage because I wanted it to work. Instead of dueling lawyers, we decided to have a mediator help us through the distribution of assets. It was like exit counseling. Without the fear of saying something that would hurt the relationship, we were brutally honest. We didn’t care if it hurt the other or not — we told our truths.

When he said, “I rarely thought about you if you weren’t in the room” I realized how much time I’d spent thinking about how to make him happy, then implementing those ideas. I thought that’s what people did to have good relationships. I realized he had spent nearly no time thinking about how to make me happy.

I was struck with the idea that I could have spent the rest of my life bending over backwards to make a man happy who spent nary a nanosecond thinking about how to make me happy. It was a gift to be free of him.

This was the beginning of many, many epiphanies about the marriage I thought I’d been in instead of the realities of the marriage I had really been in. I began to look at what I’d compromised in the name of “having a good marriage.” I took crumbs in return. I saw all the places I’d subjugated what I wanted thinking I was being a good wife.

Now was the awakening of who I truly was and what I wanted. I was no longer weighed down by someone else’s needs and fears. I started dating and learned I could be attractive to men — in fact, lots of men. I saw where my boundaries are and how to communicate them clearly. I explored activities I’d never had experienced if I was still married.

So while it took me 18 months to heal my heart from the severity of the hurt, I truly do have a much better life now.

If you have any lingering anger or bitterness from your divorce, see if you can reframe it as an awakening.

What has awakened in your life since your divorce?

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Want to better understand if you’re ready to date again? Get your copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

You sit comfortably and watch the dishes go by. You pick what looks appealing.

If you’re curious, you look more carefully and read whatever description is provided.

If an interesting one slips by without your snagging it, soon another option appears right in front of you. You don’t even have to move.

In fact, more often than not, the same dish will come back in a little while.

But once contact is made you can’t just put it back. You have to at least entertain liking it, if only briefly. Then you can dump it if it’s not to your taste.

Having a steady flow of potentially yummy options has pros and cons. A pro is you may be introduced to something you might not have sought out. You may be delightfully surprised — or disappointed.

Or having this unending flow may make you pickier, as you know what you do and don’t want. The problem can be what you want isn’t on the conveyor belt. Perhaps you want — really want — tacos. But you’re at a sushi bar. No matter how long you wait, you’re never going to find what you’re looking for.

But if you want sushi — even uncommon sushi — you are likely to come across what you seek. You may just have to wait a while and be relentless in continuing to look, even when faced with dish after dish of what isn’t appealing to you. Or you may have to go to another sushi bar.

You may even try entertaining several dishes at the same time. If so, it allows you to compare and contrast before deciding on a favorite.

Just like a sushi bar, online dating takes clarity of what you want, balanced with a willingness to try something you might not have thought you’d like. It takes alertness to be engaged in the process, not ignoring what’s in front of you. If you have the attitude that the right dish will just fall in your lap, you’ll be disappointed.

So keep up your vigilance and continue your search, even when nothing looks good to you. Distract your hunger by engaging with friends, but continue to keep your eyes open to what’s presented to you. You never know when what you want is in front of you and you have to snatch it quickly.

And when you get what you want, don’t forget to thank the sushi chef.

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Want to better understand what it’s like to be dating again after 40? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

His profile listed his name as “Micheal” (sic). But his first email was signed “Gerald.” When I asked him about the discrepancy, he admitted his name was, indeed, Micheal. He said, “I just didn’t feel it was right to go ahead with my real name at first.”

Didn’t he realize everyone he contacted would see his name was listed as Micheal?

The irony was clinched when he also wrote, “Honesty is and always has been the best policy for me.” So dude, don’t you think lying about your name is dishonest? And dig this, he signed this email — in which he admitted his name was Micheal — as Gerard.

What’s up with this?

If we set aside the yellow flags that this is a scammer, and take it that he is a regular guy, how can someone really not see the irony in claiming that honesty is the best policy then lying about one’s name? Repeatedly?

Some men make it easy to pass on them. Then they wonder why there aren’t any “good women out there.” Maybe the good women are too smart to fall for dishonest men!
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Want more tips on how to tell if someone isn’t worth your time before you meet them? Get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.

You’ve heard such a being exists. But you have yet to encounter one. Not that you haven’t tried. Relentlessly.

You’ve hunted in the places you’ve heard they frequent. To no avail.

You mean them no harm. You would lavish one with love, affection and devotion if you were just to find one.

You hear some are skittish because they don’t like the thought of being captured, thus giving up their comfortable life in the wild. But then, they also like the benefits of a reliable companion to play with.

Many imposters have come your way, pretending to be the creature you seek. They say they are mature, thoughtful, financially secure, introspective, caring, healthy (mentally and physically), unattached and want to please. But you have yet to find one that has these seemingly simple characteristics. They are chameleon-like in that they appear this way to begin with, but then their colors change after a short while.

You have seen some who have been captured by others and most seem happy. The benefits of a warm home, dependable meals, and regular loving outweigh their desire for an untamed lifestyle. If their handler allows them to taste the wild life once in a while with their fellow domesticated ones, they seem satisfied.

So how do you find one of these rare, uncaptured creatures? The only ones left in the wild seem unwilling to give up their wild ways. And when the domesticated ones find themselves free again, they seem to want to stay wild as long as possible.

Don’t be daunted by those who pretend to be the unique treasure you want. Keep up your quest. Yours is out there, longing for the right companion.

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Want more ideas on what to look for in your next great mate? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Susan Sarandon at age 65

I feel  a special connection with Susan Sarandon. Not that I look anything like her nor do I share her movie-star lifestyle. I met her when I was doing some work at Miraval, Oprah’s favorite spa, in the hills north of Tucson, AZ. She was there for a week with her daughter. We chatted a bit in the women’s changing room after our individual spa treatments. She was warm, gracious and down to earth — even dressed in only a bathrobe!
 
She appeared in this week’s People Magazine. In the article, she discusses many topics. I was fascinated by her comments on sexiness at age 65. Of course she doesn’t look how most of us would think 65 looks. Must be those Miraval spa treatments!

I realize women (and men) are reinventing how all ages look now. Instead of 60 being the new 50, some are even going for 40! Will our looks soon be sealed at a certain age, never going beyond, say, 40? It seems that’s what’s Joan Rivers is going for! With the prevalence and more affordability of plastic surgery, more people are opting to stop the outward aging process.

But Susan’s philosophy on sensuality and sexiness go beyond her appearance. Regarding sensuality, she says, “It’s really more of an attitude than it is being naked.”
 
When asked for her reaction to being described as sexy. “I’m happy to be considered desirable. I love it!” What is her secret? “Breasts certainly help … but it’s really more of an attitude. Sexuality means that you’re saying yes to life.”

I think she hit the nail on the head. Saying yes to life means you are vibrant and vital and trying new things. It means you have zest, which is very appealing. You’re actively embracing new experiences, which means you’re putting out vibes that say you’re open to being embraced — by a sweetie.

In dating, men tell me they are looking for a sexy woman. And we all know that sexiness is really all in our own head.

Do you feel sexy now? Did you stop feeling sexy at a certain age? Why?

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Want some help identifying your positive attributes, including sexiness? Get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

When one has been single and dating around for a while, it’s easy to make life choices around that single status. When you don’t have a sweetie, it’s hard to think in terms of “us” and “we” since that isn’t your current situation.

Yet if you are actively seeking a partner you want to make decisions that will be inclusive of having someone regularly in your life.

This was the attitude I’ve adopted as I begin a master bath remodel. It would be easy to think, “I don’t need a big bathtub because it’s only me.” It takes some future thinking to say, “I want a two-person tub and two shower heads” when right now it’s only you.

When you explain your needs to suppliers, they immediately assume you’re in a relationship so ask how tall your partner is, and other questions that seem natural to help you make decisions. It’s a tad awkward to say, “I don’t know how tall he is because I haven’t found him yet.”

In some circles, this attitude is called “holding the space” for the possibility to become reality. If you close the space — mental as well as physical — it will be harder for someone to come into your life. For example, I have empty drawers on my ex’s side of the bedroom so when a new man enters my life, he’ll know I have planned for him to be there without my having to rearrange my life.

Of course, I will have to rearrange parts of my life. But if I can move forward with him in mind, he will fit more easily.

Does this mean I would plan for my beloved to move in with me? Not necessarily. But there would be some period where we share each others’ space. And when that happens, I want my home to be as comfortable and accommodating to both our needs as possible.

And who knows, he may have an even bigger tub and dual shower heads!

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Are you mentally ready to allow someone new into your life? To help you explore this, order your copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

After swimming in the dating pool for a while, you begin to wonder why some people even say they are “swimming” too. They behave in ways that show they are still on the pond banks, even though they’re acting like they are in the pool.

What do these behaviors look like?

• He lists himself as single on an online site.
• He makes contact via email, phone, IM and/or text.
• He responds to you in a timely manner.
• He sets a time and place to meet
• He says he’s really looking forward to seeing you.

But then he gets cold feet. Some let you know ahead of time. Others just don’t show.

Why does this happen? It could be several reasons:

• He’s got a wife/girlfriend/someone he’s dating but isn’t meeting all his needs — usually sexual.
• He’s talking to several women and another one has emerged as better (e.g., easier).
• He just likes the chase, but isn’t really interested in meeting someone.
• He’s looking for someone to scam and you are too savvy for that.

How can you avoid these folks? As I discuss in Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates, you need to vet him as much as possible before putting much time into him. If he tells you conflicting information or something smells fishy, proceed cautiously, if at all. Sometimes it’s best to not even bother meeting if your gut is telling you something is awry.

Unfortunately, we can’t totally avoid these imposters. I thought I’d found a good guy this week. He said he was a veteran officer, now paramedic, starting his own business. He was smart, attentive, funny — my kind of guy. He was tall and I liked his looks.

After a number of calls, emails, IMs, and texts we set a  coffee meeting at 3:30 yesterday. He said he had one errand to do on his drive from his town to mine. He didn’t know how long the errand would take, but he was certain he’d be done in time for our meeting. He’d call at 3:00 to confirm his ETA.

At 2:44 I got a text saying, “Heading back to [my town]….will call in a few..so very sorry.”

I never heard from him again. So “will call you in a few” must mean a few decades to him, not a few minutes as most of us would think. I was a little concerned something happened to him, so I called him at 4:30 — it went to voice mail.

When I shared this with a male friend, he was shocked at this inconsiderate behavior. I told him it was, unfortunately, more the norm than an exception. There are many reasons for it. Even with a lot of knowledge about dating, it’s still hard to not be hoodwinked every once in a while. You’ve got to be careful to not become hardened, suspicious and cynical.

How have you learned to weed out those not really interested in dating, even though they say they are? What are the signs you look for?
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To learn other stealthy red flags that point to a man’s not someone you need to meet even for coffee, get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.

I sent this picture and to a mattress-salesman friend — who’s also a single hunk. I suggested this offer might help him sell more beds.

But aside from my smart alecness, it made me wonder if men saw this exchange similar to dinner and a dalliance. If the man buys the goods (lunch), he then gets the bonus (lovemaking). Buy a woman quiche, get a quickie. Some BBQ gets you a boff. A bit of food yields fornication. Din-din earns sin sin.

Much has been written about this unstated quid pro quo. As a young woman in the middle of the sexual revolution, I was advised that if a man bought me dinner, then dessert should be me!

Luckily, in midlife most have us have evolved past this tit-for-tat thinking. But occasionally I come across a man who expects to come back to my place after a first date. I now know that it has little to do with his attraction to me, but more a sign of his horniness — as long as the woman he’s with isn’t odious, he’ll at least try to get her in bed.

This is one of the reasons I rarely accept a first date dinner invitation. I’ve found some men expect reciprocity of the physical kind. When they try to extract their “payment,” not only does it feel tawdry, but it reeks of gentrified prostitution.

Have you found midlife men expect intercourse after the third course? Cavorting after cappuccino? A romp after ravioli? Share your stories.

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Want to understand more about sex and dating? Get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

When dating, it’s common to get one’s hopes up at the beginnings of a new connection. If things go right at the start, we’re encouraged that the relationship will blossom.

But what if there are hiccups near the beginning? Giving grace is admirable. However, what if there are too many to continue with that forgiving attitude?

Case in point — a recent smart, funny, right-aged and conversationally appropriate man contacted me online. He started with a fun email listing specific details from my profile. I soon offered my phone number and he called. In our chats he shared the conversation, even seeming to listen to my responses.

After a week, he said he’d like to meet me. We compared calendars and agreed on lunch that Friday. Thursday he texted that he was at a client’s site about 20 minutes from my house and he was going to work there late. I told him to let me know when and where we were to meet the next day.

Hearing nothing back from him that evening nor Friday morning, at 12:15 I texted him, “Should I eat lunch at home?” He said, “Yes. I’m still at the client’s office. I’ll call you when….” I interpreted that as “…when I know I’ll be done with this client and we can meet.” I thought it would be that day.

I busied myself for the afternoon, thinking we’d get together for coffee, a drink or dinner that evening. I realize this was total conjecture on my part, but he’d been clear he wanted to meet that day.

At 5:30 I texted him that I needed to plan the rest of my evening so to let me know what he was thinking about our getting together. I got no response.

Monday he texted that he knew he was in trouble with me. He had been working on the client’s problem all weekend. How could he make it up to me?

I was irritated. He didn’t have 2 minutes to call or text me what was happening? I found this highly inconsiderate. Was I not being understanding? Was I being too rigid? I didn’t think so, but on the off-chance I was, I decided to give him another shot. Forgiving doesn’t come easily to me when I feel slighted and know it’s a muscle I need to develop. So I resumed the calls and texts.

He said he’d make it up to me — would I like a foot massage, flowers, or just him groveling? He was trying to be funny. Would I consent to letting him take me to lunch that Friday? OK. I’d give him another chance. I told him when I look forward to something, as I had our lunch, and it doesn’t happen, I feel like Charlie Brown having Lucy snatch the ball from underneath his kick. He said he understood.

He texted me Friday morning to see if I was available for a call. I immediately texted yes, in 10 minutes. I called and left a message on his voice mail. That’s the last I heard from him until Tuesday — Valentine’s Day!!!! –  when he texted, “Do you have time for me today?” I had a full day scheduled. And besides, who asks for a first date on Valentine’s Day for that same day? I wrote back, “Since I didn’t get a response to my email nor voice mail on Friday after you said you wanted to get together, I figured you’d thrown me under the bus. It doesn’t work for me when I’m left hanging, with no communication for days.”

So he is gone. It’s sad after you’ve had some initial good interactions with someone then they jack you around. You want to be able to forgive hiccups, but you know if you let inconsiderate behavior go it will just be repeated. You have to take a stand for a minimum behavior that’s acceptable to you.

What’s your experience with dealing with repeated inconsiderate behavior? How many times do you forgive before cutting off the person?
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Want to understand other signs of when to move on and how to do it? Get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache

It’s upon us again.

Every year in the gloom of winter we fight the unwelcome bulges resulting from over-indulging in holiday treats. We trudge through rain, sleet and/or snow to our commitments, praying Spring will come early as relief.

Just as the world could not seem harder or bleaker, it sneaks up on us and stages an attack. We know we shouldn’t be caught off guard, as it happens every year, at the same time.

What is this dreaded event?

Valentine’s Day.

At least it can be dreaded by those who are sweetieless on that day.

So what’s a hopeful romantic to do when the world seems filled with couple-centered love, and you are uncoupled?

You can either embrace the spirit of the day or eschew it.

Here are a few ideas if you choose the former:

• Make everyone you care about your valentine. Either buy or make physical cards or notes, or send electronic versions. The point is to make someone else feel your love. Even a smile and a “Happy Valentine’s Day” will go far to lift someone’s spirit.
• Wear red and/or hearts in abundance. Stand out (tastefully and job-appropriate, of course) in your declaration of the day anointed as a celebration of love. If red’s not your color, pink or even purple will suffice.
• When walking to/from buildings/transportation, play love songs on your iPod/phone loudly enough for others to hear — barely — but not blaring. Quietly sing along as others approach and smile at them. If s/he sings along, stop and join in a duet. Or, if the urge hits, dance a little and even spin the other. The point is to spread happiness.

If you are more of an eschewer:

• Work to not get irritated if you encounter an embracer practicing the above (or similar) activities. Be zen. Let them do what they do. If you come upon someone like this, don’t glare or bark, just nod and keep going.
•  Don’t feel you have to join in with others if you don’t want to. There’s no law that says celebrating Valentine’s Day is mandatory. Just don’t rain on others’ parades.
• Listen to some of Adele’s songs that remind you that many love stories end up in heartbreak. You don’t have to share this world view with romantics, but you’ll remind yourself that you’re not ready to have a sweetie right now.

What do you do for Valentine’s Day when you’re in between sweeties?

(For other ideas, see Ideas for Women Who Are Sweetie-less for Valentine’s Day.)
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Are you ready for a sweetie? To help you decide, get your copy of the newly released second edition of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

Long-time reader Richard sent me an email posing some interesting issues about how men and women see and need love and respect differently. Here’s part of our exchange.

Richard: “Society has been focusing on “love” (which is great for women), but men have a basic need for “respect”.

“Guys know that they have to show love to successfully court a woman. Do women realize how to successfully court a man? The man needs the praises (respect) of the woman to build him up so that he can be all that he can be. Men give love to the woman, and the quid pro quo is that the woman gives respect back to the man.”

DG: “I struggled with this in my marriage. I gave my now-ex lots of acknowledgement and kudos. However, he also did lots of things I didn’t respect, but I kept my mouth shut. In our final counseling session he said I didn’t respect him. I told him there were lots of things I respected about him but a few I didn’t.

“So what does a woman do when she truthfully doesn’t respect everything her man does?”

Richard: “Love is natural to a woman [but not to a man]. Respect is not natural for the woman….

“While the woman may not respect everything her man does, she is still to treat him with respect. Just like she may not be totally lovable, but he is still to treat her with unconditional love.

“When things are working, her respect of him causes him to love her more. His love for her causes her to respect him more. Similarly, if she is disrespectful to him, he may withdraw and be unloving to her. His unloving of her causes her to be more disrespectful of him. Break the negative cycle, and the relationship can be restored. The more difficult problem is when one person is being loving/respectful, and the other is not.”

DG: “I can’t respect someone who continually acts in ways that don’t garner respect. If they are lazy, self-absorbed, unconscious or uncaring about how their behaviors negatively affect me and others, I don’t respect those acts. It doesn’t mean I will treat the person disrespectfully, but it means I won’t respect them.”

I have more questions than answers. I’m thinking that, for me, respect and love are intertwined — at least for a mate. It’s hard for me to love and want to be with someone I don’t respect.

Readers, what’s your take on love vs respect?

(P.S.: I’ve edited Richard’s comments for brevity so don’t take him to task if I’ve misrepresented his comments.)

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If you want to understand more issues that may create conflicts, get your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

I strongly believe if you know you’ve done something to cause another inconvenience or pain, you should acknowledge that with an apology.

What if there are too many apologies from someone you’re going out with? Or too few?

When I was married, I noticed my ex nearly never (I’d say never but there were probably a few in the 20 years) said “I’m sorry.” Yet he was continually inconveniencing me (he was awfully self-focused). His common response when I pointed out he did something that affected me negatively was “Oops.” When he frequently forgot to do something he’d promised, he’d say, “Oops. You know I have a bad memory.” Thus acknowledging he’d screwed up, but taking no responsibility for how his screw up caused me extra work or angst.

Only deep into our second decade did I realize his “Oops” didn’t equate to an apology.

The other end of the spectrum is equally troubling. If a man is constantly apologizing, he’s behaving in ways that have a negative impact on you, yet doesn’t think of this until after he’s done it. In other words, he doesn’t think through his actions and their affect on you or others. He thinks he can do whatever strikes him in the moment and get off the hook later by apologizing.

Neither spawns a healthy relationship. If he is constantly apologizing to you, he is not thinking clearly about the consequences of his actions on others. Or if he is disappointing only you and no one else seems to mind, then you aren’t on the same page about values and commitments.

If he doesn’t think the negative affect of his behavior on you deserves an apology, then he is insensitive, immature and self-absorbed.

So while one would think an apology is a good thing, too much of a “good” thing can be bad if the core behavior causing the frequent apologies doesn’t change.

What’s your experience with too few or too many apologies in a relationship?
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Want to learn other behaviors to notice while dating to decide if he’s a keeper or not? Get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

(Readers: Ghirardelli asked me to write about my take on delicious dating and integrate a few of their products — which I do love. But full disclosure — they did send me samples. I thought you’d like this.)

The prospect of dating after 40 can strike horror in the hearts of many women. Even though some look, feel and are better than when dating in their twenties, many don’t feel they look their best. They know true beauty is what’s inside, but they don’t feel they are given a chance when the media –and many midlife men — idolizes hard bodies and youthful faces.

So how do you make dating delicious?

Delectability is as much about your attitude as it is about appearance. A tasty date can be at a high-end restaurant, but it could also be a walk in a park. Scrumptious dating is more about how you feel about yourself and the person you’re with than what you’re doing or eating.

Yes, it helps if the activity is something fun or interesting. But if you have a curious, positive attitude, almost any outing can be interesting. I’ve had fabulous dates without venturing beyond my neighborhood coffee house.

Yummy dating starts from within. I’m not saying a date with someone odious, rude and disrespectful can be tasty. But I once turned a date with someone who was insulting and uncivil into an analysis of abhorrent behavior. I then wrote about it in “Lessons from a bad date.”

No matter what the outcome of a date, it’s no reason to ruin your day. If it was a good date, I like to celebrate with a square of premium chocolate, like Ghirardelli’s Gourmet Milk Coconut Rendezvous. And if it wasn’t a great date, it’s a perfect reason to have some Gourmet Milk Sea Salt Escape™. I can’t think of any dating experience where chocolate doesn’t make it more delicious.

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If you date like a box of chocolate, you’ll want to understand how to ethically see several men at once. So get your copy of Multidating Responsibly: Play the Field Without Being A Player.

Is seems universal that people find confidence attractive. But at what point does self-assurance cross the line to arrogance and thus become unattractive?

This week I was contacted by a self-described alpha male. These men are typically proud to be dominant, “my way or the highway” kind of guys. They consider compromise wimpy. They often rise to the top of their profession, sometimes by bullying, intimidation and manipulation.

Curious, I responded to his email, asking about his statement, “I will be a *Best Selling* Author (shortly)” (sic — emphasis his). He has no agent, no publisher and has barely started the book. Having 25 published books of my own, two of which have sold over 200,000 copies, I know what it takes to become a bestseller. It is not something one can proclaim before it is even published.

Since he doesn’t know the rules of capitalization, I wonder if he knows how to spell “hubris.”

When I questioned him about his lack of personal photos, only pics of his home and cars, he pointed me to his profile, which says, “I would hope that a woman (any woman) would pay attention to what I ‘wrote’ in my profile, more so than just judge by looking at pictures.

“I think it is completely ‘subjective’ when someone looks a picture and is either delighted, suspect, or intimidated by what they ‘see’. I am not one of those. I take into account every aspect of another persons (sic) personality, character, ambition, or self-esteem to the absolute disregard for their material posessions (sic); which can neither keep me, control me, or maintain me.”

So, this overly confident man doesn’t have a clue of the importance of seeing how one projects oneself to the world through appearance. He purportedly takes into account *every* other aspect of another. Right. How could one possibly get that from a few pics? Impossible.

People’s words — whether written or spoken — can speak volumes about their values, priorities, and character. Of course people can — and do — lie. But if they are sharing their truth — as I believe this pompous man is — they will reveal as much as you need to know.

Have you encountered alpha males in your dating adventures? How did you deal with them?

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Want to understand more about midlife men? Get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors 

For decades men have been disparagingly referred to as frogs. The opposite of a prince.

But what if you are being frog-like? Not in behavior, but in voice.

As in croaky.

The result of a cold.

This week I find myself in this situation with two new men wanting to call and get to know me. The problem is my voice sounds like a man. A nasally man.

Not a great first impression.

The sound of one’s voice can be powerfully enticing. I’m a sucker for a deep-voiced man, as are many women. And I’m told my voice is alluring — normally.

Not so much this week.

I’ve been getting by with acknowledging their sweet, concerned voice mails with wittily worded emails. However, I know I can’t keep them at bay forever. I’m going to have to hop in and actually croak on the phone.

I’ll do my best not to ribbit. Or worse, to bray like the cacophony of bullfrogs I heard after a thunderstorm in Brunei. I’d never heard flogs bleat that loudly. They were calling for a lover — any lover. I must not bray for an indiscriminate roll in the hay. However, I was told the deep-throated bullfrogs had bigger harems, so there must be something to that.

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Find out other situations you may encounter as you begin dating again. Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

“A Tootsie-pop? Really?” you say.

You know, the kids’ treat.

“How can I, an accomplished, midlife woman, be like a Tootsie-pop?” you ask.

Good question. Let me explain.

In a conversation with a pal who’d like to be a suitor, he was explaining my appeal. “You have this tough, businesslike, ‘don’t mess with me’ exterior. But inside, you’re soft and gooey.”

“Like a Tootsie-pop!” I exclaimed.

“Exactly. Soft and delicious once you get past the hard shell.”

It got me thinking about how many other women are Tootsie-pop-like. We have developed a demeanor that shows we are not to be toyed with. Yet inside, we are vulnerable, soft and tender. Many men are intimidated by the exterior, so few get to see our gooey insides.

We know men find confidence attractive, but so is softness. So how do we balance the two? How do we allow the gooeyness to ooze through the hard shell so they will see we aren’t impenetrable?

I think the answer is the same as with the Tootsie-pop. The outer shell is only pierced after some time and attention. It’s not like a boxed chocolate piece — the inside easily accessed. No. With a Tootsie-pop, one must make a commitment to getting to the inside. It takes time. Biting through the exterior is not easy. You have to coax out the yummy center through prolonged contact.

And so it is with us Tootsie-pop gals. In order to access our soft, delicious center, a man has to commit some time to us and give us the attention we deserve.

Are you a Tootsie-pop woman? If so, why?

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In what other ways are you delicious? Download your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch

Resolutions are not just declarations of what you wish you could accomplish. They are firm decisions, according to the dictionary. So as we enter 2012, what commitments, pledges and promises do you make to yourself about your dating activities?

Here are mine to get you started:

* Keep hope alive. It’s easy to get disappointed and depressed when you think you’ve found your special someone, then to have it fall apart. Or to find the singles interested in you aren’t the least bit interesting to you, and those you find intriguing don’t feel similarly.

* Be flexible. Knowing which characteristics (e.g., values) aren’t negotiable and which ones are (e.g., profession, income).

* Find a balance between continuing the quest and knowing when to give it a short rest. It’s important to not give up on finding love, but also knowing when you’re getting discouraged to taking a break.

* Continue to work on being the best me and being attractive to the type of men I want to attract. For me, that means reinvigorating my resolve to eat healthily and exercise more frequently.

* Look for the sparks of goodness in your date. Some people make that difficult, but take on the task as a game! It doesn’t mean you have to have a second date, but practice giving the other a bit of grace for the moment, unless the comment or behavior is egregious.

* Keep a sense of humor — even when you’re rejected. It’s easy to take rejection personally, but instead adopt a “oh well” attitude and move on. Resist the temptation to label him “loser” — instead chock it up to “we’re not a match.”

Share with us your dating resolutions for 2012.

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Want to see how you can have courage reentering the dating scene? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

The holidays can feel lonely if you don’t have someone with whom to enjoy the season. No matter what you celebrate — or maybe you don’t celebrate anything — December is filled with reminders to be with loved ones.

What if you really miss having a special someone? You like to snuggle in front of a present-bedecked tree, but you have no one to snuggle. Or you enjoy lighting a menorah with a sweetie. Or maybe you love sharing holiday light viewing while walking hand in hand.

I have two suggestions for getting you through the holidays.

The first is a bit pedestrian, but I have to remind you. Do the things you love anyway, whether with friends or by yourself. Don’t linger on loneliness — focus on the enjoyment of the activity.

The second is a bit more unusual. Visit a nursing home and bring some of what you love to them. This holiday I’m visiting my aunt who now lives in a nursing home. I’ve been hanging out with her a few hours a day for the last 5 days. I notice there are lots of people who don’t get a lot of attention. When the staff does talk to them, hold their hand or hug them, their eyes shine, a smile crosses their face, they seem more alive.

The home provides daily activities like bingo, and groups come in to carol and offer seasonal entertainment. But I’m sure they are not overloaded with visitors or activities. If you like to carol, why not either join in when caroling groups visit, or put together your own group and offer to visit? Want to have company while menorah lighting? Why not call a local home and see if they are doing it there and can you join in?

While it’s doubtful you could take the residents out to look at colorful lights, you could ask the home if you can bring some to decorate the pubic rooms, or for those would like a string or two in their own rooms?

Or maybe you’d enjoy reading some classic holiday stories to the residents. Even taking a well-trained dog brings joy to those who miss their own pets.

What else can you think of to offer to those who also feel lonely but can’t get out to have their companionship needs met? Share your ideas with us.

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Are you ready to start dating? Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? will help you decide.

You’ve exchanged a few fun, interesting and engaging emails with a new guy from an online site. Maybe you’ve also had a satisfying phone call or two.

He promises to call again in the next few days. He says he likes talking to you and wants to get together.

Then…

… nothing.

No email.

No call.

No invitation for coffee.

You wonder what happened. Was he lying? Already dating someone else? Married?

Perhaps.

More likely he got distracted.

By another woman. A TV show. Work. Life.

Pretty much anything.

In over 5 years of dating, I’ve found men are easily distracted by “shiny objects.” These can be any of the above — or pretty much anything else that takes his focus.

He’s forgotten about you. At least for now.

Was it that he just wasn’t that into you? Perhaps.

More likely, he’s just let other things take his focus.

He may be back to you. In a day. Or a week. Or a month. Or never.

Don’t let it bug you. Just keep going. Don’t wait for his call. Don’t chastise him in an email. It is what it is. You have better things to do than obsess over why he isn’t contacting you. If he calls, fine. You can decide if you want to continue your conversations or not. But don’t ream him out for not calling as he said he would. He doesn’t feel beholden to you now, as he really doesn’t even know you yet.

Let it go. If he does reconnect and this pattern continues, then no need to keep in contact. However, he may be the kind of guy who needs to see you a few times before he decides he’d like to date you, then steps up a bit.

Is it what you’d like? No. But it is what it is. And it’s common in dating. So just accept it and don’t get bitter about it or that anger will leak out to other guys. That’s very unattractive.

Keep dating. Someone will find you are the shiny object that distracts him from other parts of his life.

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Want to know what to expect when dating in midlife? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping

Finding and Dating Men Comfortable with a Female Breadwinner

Dec 12m 12:00pm PST/3pm EST, 8pm GMT; 9pm CET
$47/£29

In this frank and lively webinar, two thought leaders will delve straight into the heart of what it means to find and keep love for high-earning professional women.

Dr. Suzanne Doyle-Morris and the Dating Goddess will share what they’ve learned from research, their clients and their personal experiences.

Relationships in the 21st Century often involve gender role reversals with many women being more educated and earning more than their potential mates.  What are the rewards and challenges that face these couples and what should you be looking for from the first date?

In this webinar, you will learn:

* Where to find men confident enough in his own skin to be proud of your achievements
* If you are well-suited to  be the main earner in a relationship…or if you are more traditional than you think 
* What unique traits makes beta men attractive 
* If you can keep your career and marry an alpha man 
* What signals to notice, even from the first date, that he won’t be threatened with your career
* How to avoid men who want a ‘sugar-mummy’

Register now for this 1-hour webinar or pre-order the recording.

The experts:

• Dr. Doyle-Morris will draw from her experiences coaching senior level working women on career development, and the work she does with audiences from a range of traditionally male-dominated sectors.
• Dating Goddess is a bestselling author of the 15-book Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 series. She’s appeared on Oprah, 60 Minutes, the Wall St. Journal, USA Today and international media. She shares her insights, stories and advice from dating 112 men after her 20-year marriage dissolved. http://www.DatingGoddess.com

Register or order the recording

After a long search for your perfect match, you’d welcome help — any help — finding him. You’d do nearly anything to speed up your quest.

Wong Tai Sin

This was my feeling last week when I found myself at Hong Kong’s Wong Tai Sin Temple. It is famed for the many prayers answered: “What you request is what you get” via a practice called kau cim. The temple is named after Wong Tai Sin, believed by some to be a god who walked upon the earth and had amazing power to heal believers.

My Hong Kong friends walked me through the kau cim process. First, I chose and lit 9 incense sticks and stuck them in the sand. Then, I got a bamboo cylinder containing fortune sticks and knelt before the main altar. Making a wish (“Let me find my perfect match soon”), I shook the cylinder full of numbered sticks until one stick fell out. Mine was number 95.

my fortune teller; Mr. Wong stature in upper middle (white)

Needing interpretation, I chose one of the fortune tellers among the many stalls. Telling him my number, he pulled out a playing-card-size paper bearing the same number, on which was printed a story. My friend translated as he spoke.

The essence of the message was that my past was filled with “thin” relationships — not at the depth I longed for. My journey to find my sweetheart had been long and arduous. (It had indeed!) I had a hole in my heart from this lack of fulfilling relationships that needed to be healed before I’d find my true love.

If I made an offering to Wong Tai Sin, “Mr. Wong” as my friend called him, the deity would assist in my healing and subsequent discovery of my soulmate.

How much was the offering? $200 Hong Kong ($25US). I asked my friend if this was a reasonable rate for an offering. She said yes. Not a bad investment, I thought, and paid up.

The soothsayer asked me to write my full name and date of birth on a piece of paper, then lit 3 incense sticks and gave them to me. He instructed me to stand, holding the sticks and bow 3 times toward a statue of Mr. Wong, praying for his help. I then put the sticks in a bowl of sand near the statue.

The fortune teller took my card-sized fortune paper and put it with my name/birthdate paper and said he would burn them. Since my fortune wasn’t positive he didn’t want me to take it with me. But the blessing and burning the paper would remove it from my future.

He made me promise to return with my soon-to-be-found sweetheart to thank Mr. Wong. I promised I would.

I left feeling more hopeful than I have in a while Let’s hope Mr. Wong will help me find Mr. Right.

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Do you want ideas on your search for your Mr. Right? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Most of us would be hurt and disappointed if our man cheated with another woman. We would feel betrayed.

But what if the object of our love’s attention wasn’t a woman — but his young grandchild?

We want to be supportive, as children can be magical. A grandparent’s relationship with their grandchild can be hugely important to both. But what if his affection towards his grandchildren overshadows his relationship with you?

When a man shares how important his grandkids are to him, I’m glad he has a good relationship with them. However, I’m a little cautious, as what if I’m not fond of them? What if he wants to spend all his (and much of our) time with them? Sometimes the kids are great; other times they are spoiled and no one sees it but me. That is not fun.

A gal pal shared that her 3-year relationship with a man she adored broke up because he wanted to be with his two small grandkids rather than travel extensively with her, as they’d done the last few years. She can’t be mad at him — of course his wanting to be with them at a tender age is understandable. But being childfree, she can only empathize intellectually. She’s fond of the kids, but doesn’t want to be with them 24/7 as he does.

She’s sad. Very sad. She still loves him, and he loves her, but they don’t now see a way around his wanting to see his little grands every day and her wanting to take extensive trips. Skype video chats between him and the kids doesn’t really do it, nor does it work well between him and her.

They are pulled in different life directions because of different priorities. Saying goodbye to the relationship they had is hard, even though they know they will still be connected, it won’t be the same.

Have you ever ended a relationship because of shifted life priorities? How did you make it as least painful as possible?

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Want to read how to end things maturely and with care? Download your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache

This week I’m off to Bali, then Singapore and Hong Kong. As usual when I travel, I will post anything I observe that relates to dating, but will also post observations I think might interest you.

Also, I’ve been invited to share my ideas with the UK’s leading expert on female breadwinners, Dr. Suzanne Doyle-Morris, in the webinar, “Finding and Dating Men Comfortable with a Female Breadwinner.” It should be a lively discussion!

Details

Dec. 12
12:00pm PST/3pm EST, 8pm GMT; 9pm CET
(If you can’t make it, you can watch the recording afterwards)
$47/£29

You can tell a lot about someone’s mindset by his word choice. How does he express his thoughts? By conscious, considerate language? Or disrespectful speech?

Perhaps I’m being nitpicky, but I believe how someone expresses him/herself reflects their attitudes toward others. I’m sensitive to whether someone invites or requests me to do something or commands (demands?) it from me.

In my exercise class, we have a routine to a song where the singer says, “Slide on over here, baby” entreating the woman to slide over on the couch to be next to him. Whenever I hear that, I think, “Why doesn’t he slide himself over to her?” He doesn’t say, “Would you slide on over here” or “Please slide on over here” or “I’d love to have you here next to me” — it’s a command, not a request. (Of course, part of the communication is via voice tone.)

I understand that in many people’s mind this could be considered a request. She wouldn’t slide over if she didn’t want to. He’s testing to see if she wants to cuddle up next to him, rather than him aggressively plunking himself next to her when she may not want that.

Let’s imagine that “Slide on over here, baby” is how the singer would phrase it in real life, without having to worry about song structure. If a man uses commands for requests, he’s seeing if he can get you to do what he wants without asking or inviting. If you do, he knows he has the upper hand.

Some men consider requests to be unmasculine. Asking seems so, well, wimpy. Couching an invitation in a command is much more manly, he thinks.

And some women like a man who “takes control.” They have a sub/dom relationship, even if it is non-aggressive. The women actually like a man who tells them what to do, and there are plenty of men who want a woman who will do what he tells her.

I’m not one of them. I bristle when a man tells makes too many commands when a request would be welcomed. I can tolerate an occasional one when it is for my safety or well being, but a regular diet of commands is off-putting.

Where are you on the command/request scale? Does it bother you or do you not mind? Are you more of a “teller” or “asking” when requesting behavior from another?

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What else should you look for in your special guy? Read more in In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Right or wrong, a popular belief about sharks is that they are always hungry; always on the hunt.

I’ve come across men who seem to have a similar unquenchable appetite — for sex.

They are always on the hunt for new sexual prey, but not to the point of being sexual predators. They seek consenting partners, not those taken by force.

How do they hunt? Often times online. They pose as nice guys, sometimes borrowing pictures from others, or posting their own decades-old ones. They sweet talk each unsuspecting woman to persuade her that he’s a great guy. He romances her quickly, saying all the things she’s yearned to hear. And he beds her.

Then he’s gone. He’s on the hunt for his next conquest.

These men could be married, living with someone, or have a girlfriend, who, of course, is unsuspecting. She believes he is working late or out with the guys. Little does she know he’s prowling online sites or bars for his next target.

I dated a man for five months who I later learned fell into the sex shark category. When I told him after the third date that I wasn’t ready to get intimate yet, he said he had other ways to get his needs met — I only later figured out he meant other women.

One time he was away for weeks for a family emergency, and when he returned he said he needed to clear his head by taking a solitary motorcycle trip — without seeing me before he left. Later I learned a former lover had been sending him naked pictures of herself while he was with his family, and she’d enticed him to visit her.

Another potential suitor shared that he could have sex with a different woman each night of the week, and he was enjoying it! He had no interest in being monogamous and enjoyed the hunt and conquest.

Other men actively pursued me who I later learned were married. When the cat was out of the bag, I asked why they were looking to cheat on their wives. “Sex” was the common response.

How do you know if you’re with a sex shark? I think it’s how you’d look for signs of any cheating. The challenge is if he’s slick, it may take you months or years to find out. Which is why you want to take it slow if sexual exclusivity is important to you.

Have you been with someone you learned was a sex shark? If so, what happened?
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Want to know other ways to determine if a guy is a keeper? Get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

At a recent closing conference luncheon, the next host country, China, provided beautiful scrolls with a different saying on each. There was no notation on the beautiful red box which saying was inside.

Several at my table unfurled theirs to have our Chinese table host read the calligraphy. “Happiness” read a few. “Long life” said the others, including mine. Thinking for a moment, I decided I didn’t want long life unless happiness accompanied it. I didn’t want to be miserable in old age.

So I unrolled the extra scroll at our table and hopefully held it for our host to read. “Long life” she announced. Drat!

I was determined, so I went to an empty table and began untying scrolls. I’d now learned how to tell the difference between the two messages. One after another read “long life.” I could have stopped, but I was searching for happiness!

I carefully retied each scroll as I continued my search. After a dozen or so, finally, happiness was found!
How does this apply to dating — and life?

I was clear on what I wanted and unwilling to compromise. I could have just walked away with long life and taken a philosophical stance that one makes one’s own happiness, no matter what. Sure. Sounds good.

But since I knew I wanted happiness and it was out there, I just needed to put a little effort into finding it. With a little diligence, I found it.

In dating, you can settle for less than you really want and convince yourself you will make it work. Or you can say, “I know what I want and am willing to keep searching until I find it.”

I will now hang both scrolls in my home as a reminder that I can have both, with clarity and persistence. And I hope my future partner realizes that I searched hard to find him to enjoy long life and happiness with him.

_____________

Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Various studies have shown that few people see themselves as others see them. We tend to either overrate or underrate our attractiveness compared to others’ collective rating of us.

How is it that you can look in the mirror and say, “Looking good!” and others think you need help. I’ve recently decided our self-view is anything but reliable. A date snapped a pic of me in what I thought was a cute, flattering outfit. The pic he sent me didn’t reflect what I thought was my cuteness. “Maybe it was the angle or lighting,” I told myself. Maybe not.

Recently, I’ve been going through a crisis about my appearance. A few months ago, I had my professional portrait taken at a hefty expense. I liked the pics, as did many colleagues, friends and clients. People commented on how much they liked my hair, which, after decades of struggle, I’ve finally decided I like long and straight, but with a curl on the end. I’ve even had strangers stop me to tell me how beautiful my hair is. “Aha,” I thought, “I finally have a style that works!”

Then a few months ago, a dear friend said, “I’d love to see what they’d do for you on one of those make-over shows.” “What????!!!” I inwardly screamed. “She thinks I need a make over?” She added, “I’d love to see what they’d do with your hair so it is more flattering and less Morticia-like.”

Arrgh!

Then I sent some recent video footage to my video producer. He liked the content, but said, “You need  a new hair style. It looks outdated and matronly.” He even put his wife, a former hair stylist and makeup artist, on the phone to explain to me what she thought was the problem and how it could be fixed.

Arrgh again!

I worked to listen to each of these advisors, as I know they have my best interest at heart. They were not trying to be mean or hurtful. So I listened with that orientation.

The final straw came when I was having my hair and makeup done by a stylist at a talk I was giving. He didn’t know me, but I wanted an unbiased opinion. I told him what my video producer and friend had said, and he agreed that my hair could be more flattering.

While I generally believe in trusting one’s instincts and being true to yourself, sometimes you don’t do yourself any favors by insisting on sticking to something that you like but isn’t serving you well. So while I’ve gotten lots of compliments — something that didn’t happen until recently — I’ve decided to go for a change. I have an appointment with the hair stylist my image consultant recommended. I have my fingers crossed that she’ll do her magic.

The lesson for me is that I don’t think I have a good lens to see myself as others do. And I doubt many of us do.

Have you had trusted friends or advisers give you feedback that is counter to your own perception? If enough of them do, then put your own aside and take theirs. Our lens is skewed.

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Get other ideas on how to make sure you’re putting your best self forward in Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch

We all have funny dating stories about our forays into the unpredictable world of dating. Often these are tales of dates gone bad.

What if you had to tell about your dating adventures with the criteria of making them positive and funny!

I gave myself that challenge a few weeks ago when I offered to be the opener for an evening of humor at a private fund raising event. I raised my hand when the organizer announced the event and said if anyone had a few minutes of funny stuff to let him know.

I’ve been wanting to perform at a local comedy club open mic, but the prospect of performing humor in front of strangers was a tad daunting. However, I knew I had some funny pieces so thought I could string together 7 or 8 minutes of funny dating stories. But we know that what we or our friends may laugh at or say is “killer” does not always translate into guffaws from strangers.

Working hard to pull out my best vignettes and funny lines, I crafted my piece. A former stand-up performer helped me with the beginning. A musical director friend helped me ditch parts that were flat.

I invested hours reworking the flow over and over until it seemed to stream well. That isn’t really too much of a concern in comedy as most sets appear to be stream of consciousness.

Limiting the stories to only positive or self-deprecating pieces made the task harder. My focus is to inspire and encourage midlife daters to explore other singles, not to think “all the good ones are taken.”

Rewriting, crafting and rehearsing the piece made me comfortable. Even still, I made crib notes in case I forgot what came next. I even reworked the ending hours before performance time.

Saturday was the event. The preparation paid off, as the audience not only laughed at all the expected places, but some unexpected ones. Now I have the confidence to try it at an open mic in front of — gulp — total strangers!

Who knows, maybe I’ll get a date out of it!
__________________

Want to see how you can have courage reentering the dating scene? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

Do you know how to feel sexy?

This seems like an odd question for someone in midlife. But an attractive, midlife woman came up to me after I gave a talk at an executive women’s event where she modeled in the fashion show.

“That was a very cute dress you modeled.” I shared when she came to shake my hand. “Are you going to buy it?”

“No, no. It’s not really me,” she responded.

“It was sexy on you showing your cute figure.”

“I just can’t see wearing it anywhere.”

“Really? Not on a date night with a special someone?”

“Funny you say that. I’m 47 and have been divorced for a few years and my 20-year-old daughter says I should start dating.”

“Do you feel ready?”

“I want to have someone special in my life, but I’m not sure I know how to be sexy. You see, I’m a financial analyst and sit with a bunch of nerdy guys all day. I’d never wear anything form-fitting to work.”

“It’s probably not appropriate to do so at work. But after work, get your bad self on!”

“I don’t really know how to do that.”

“If you bought that dress — and I have no relationship with those selling it — I bet you’d find a place to wear it. Maybe out for drinks with gal pals at first. Then when you start dating, it would be perfect for dinner with a great guy. But if you don’t have anything fun and flirty in your closet, it will be hard to get used to wearing something that shows off your assets.”

“I don’t mind showing my legs. But not my arms.”

“You’ve got great legs. And that dress was short enough to showcase them while still being age-appropriate. You don’t have to have bare arms if you don’t want to.”

“It’s a bit of a stretch to wear something sexy.”

“Stretching is good. It can’t be too much or you’ll never wear the dress. But a little stretching is a great way to grow.”

“Thanks. I think I’ll get the dress and find a place to wear it.”

“You go girl! Get your bad self on!”

What do you know you could do to stretch yourself to be and feel a bit sexier? Tell us your stretch goal.
______________________

Not sure how to best spotlight your best attributes? Get Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

Saturday night’s interview with KGO radio’s outspoken Karel was fun. We talked about issues like Karel’s Third Date Rule, which is his opinion that you need to sleep with a suitor by the third date in order to see if you’re sexually compatible and should continue seeing each other or not.

Since Karel’s husband died 10 years ago, he wanted my opinion on if widows and widowers are less likely to want to date again if they had a wonderful relationship cut short.

We also discussed online dating, rejection and whatever other topics crossed Karel’s mind. Listen to the recording.

Tune in Sat., Sept. 17 at 9:07 p.m. PST to hear me interviewed by Karel on KGO radio. Should be fun!

I believe that part of being successful in midlife dating is stretching one’s comfort zone. By doing activities you normally wouldn’t do, you gain more confidence and explore if you’d like to do that activity again.

This is the attitude that drew me to participate in a flash mob dance. My Jazzercise instructor was joining with another instructor who had planned to do a routine in the middle of a popular shopping mall. If we wanted to participate, his email said, he’d teach us the moves in the Sat. morning class before the flash mob two hours later.

I made sure I made it to class to learn the routine. It was to Lady Gaga’s “I was born this way.” Although the steps were pretty pedestrian, there were a few tricky spots so I appreciated that he went through it a few times.

Arriving early, I saw a few classmates and wasn’t sure if I should say hello. Part of the intrigue of a flash mob is the seeming spontaneity of it. But I approached a pair and introduced myself. Soon our instructor arrived and the organizer.

We waited impatiently for the other instructor to start the music. She eventually did, starting the boom box hidden in a baby carriage.

The 4-minute routine went by quickly. I was conscious when I screwed up as there were lots of cameras capturing our antics.

All in all, I’m glad I did it. It got me to push my limits and self-consciousness of dancing in public.

What can you do in the next week to expand your limits? It may help you in your dating life as well.

While most women appreciate attention and a man expressing his interest, sometimes there can be too much too soon. Then it feels smothering or borderline stalking.

This week a new man contacted me from a dating site. He met the minimum requirements and seemed interesting, although he’s geographically undesirable. But I was intrigued enough to respond.

Quickly he sent me a long missive detailing more of his life than I really needed or cared to know at this point. He asked questions, some of which I choose not to answer because it would have taken too long to type. He offered his phone number and said he’d gladly call me if I preferred.

The next day I responded with my number, telling him I was traveling and would be available after 8 p.m. the next day. So imagine my surprise when he called the same day during a layover between flights. I had things to do during this time, so I was a little annoyed he didn’t wait until I’d said I’d be available, nor did he ask if this was a good time to chat.

I was polite, but quickly excused myself telling him I had to get some things done in the terminal before my next flight.

He gave me the link to his Internet sports radio show and asked me to listen to a few of the previous shows. I listened to one, and was put off by his profanity and anger-laced commentary.

When I got home, I was exhausted and went to bed. He called and woke me up. I let it go to voice mail. When I listened to it the next day, he said he’d hoped I’d gotten home safely.

When I checked my email, there was a press release from him ranting about some current sports issue. I skimmed the release and saw it had the same angry tone as his radio show. While I appreciate passion for one’s work, when that crosses the line into anger, it’s unappealing.

This man seems needy and desperate. I’m not interested in getting involved with someone with anger issues and no healthy sense of appropriateness or boundaries. This one will have to shower his attention on someone with more patience or interest.

Have you had someone put a full-court press on you? How did you let him know it was too much too fast?

________________

Download your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache

A good pal was telling me about a middle-aged, tall, athletic, single lawyer friend of his. I said, “He sounds like someone I’d like.”

My friend responded, “I don’t think it would be a good match. He likes to wear the pants in the relationship.”

I was taken aback.

Responding as non-defensively as I could muster, I said, “I like a man to wear the pants, too. I’m not interested in a subordinate or timid man. I want an equal partner, not someone who dominates nor subordinates himself.”

I wondered if this was a common assumption strong women face. Their friends think because they are assertive, accomplished and ambitious, she wants to dominate the relationship. I know some women do. But not all.

No wonder it can be difficult for powerful women to be set up by their friends. If their pals think they only want submissive men and the friends only know powerful men, they won’t think the two could be a match. How sad.

I know I assume that my friends know me well enough to know I don’t have to always be the alpha. But clearly that isn’t the case. So what’s a formidable gal to do?

It seems a frank conversation is called for, explaining to one’s friends what you are looking for. Not only the superficial trappings (has a job, good dresser, well groomed, smart, mannerly, at least 6′ tall), but the personality traits as well. It’s always good to describe the values you want to share, although friends may have no idea if someone is a cheater, closet alcoholic, or privately verbally abusive.

Have you experienced your friends assuming you’d like — or not like — a certain type of man and they are wrong? How’d you set them straight?

__________________

Want to be clear on what you want in your next partner? Download your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

Bev asks:

“How does a woman over 50 whose divorce settlement made her a millionaire + handle dating when most men will not have anywhere near her net worth?”

First, since divorces can be devastating financially for both parties, it’s great you came out with a nice sum.

And it’s true that many people experienced financial setbacks following divorce, the recent down economy also created serious financial problems for even previously successful folks. So while not every potential suitor may have experienced financial losses, many will have.

So my first suggestion is to ward off opportunists by not letting on at all about your financial situation for many, many months into dating someone exclusively. While there are many, many good, honest, upstanding men in the dating pool, I’ve heard enough stories of scam artists to be cautious.

Take some extra precautions, like not wearing flashy jewelry, nor talking about expensive vacations or your high-end neighborhood. Look objectively at items or conversational topics that you think are common among your friends that would telegraph wealth. Then eliminate those from your first handful of dates with a man. Switch from your Coach purse to an off brand. Instead of St. John knits, wear something more pedestrian.

A well-off friend purposefully drives his Echo instead of his convertible Mercedes for the first few dates with a woman. If she comments on his crummy car he stops seeing her. He says he’s found that his Mercedes attracts more gold diggers and he just doesn’t want to waste his time.

You want a man who will fall for you, not your nest egg.

If it doesn’t appear he has the resources to treat for dinners and experiences you enjoy, after some months you can offer to have him as your guest. But not at first. Let him pick the restaurant that is comfortable for his budget. You can have a lot of fun doing low-cost activities.

You have to decide at some point if you’d be happy with someone who can’t afford the same lifestyle as you can, or if you’d be okay with paying his part to join you. Generally, mentally healthy men like to be able to provide or at least carry their own weight financially. It will usually gnaw on a man when he is continually financially unable to keep up with his woman and it can destroy the relationship.

Readers, what advice would you give Bev?

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What to know more about what to consider when beginning to date again? Download your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping

My mother would refer to a single, traveling ladies’ man as someone who “had a girl in every port.” Just like many of the sailors she knew as a young woman.

Now, as a traveling woman yet to find a local man I want to date regularly, I’m finding I have gentlemen in various parts of the country. I saw a favorite for a drink in his local airport hotel bar during a 2-hour layover yesterday.

Another picked me up from his nearby airport, took me for a drink and delivered me to my hotel. One took me to dinner and dancing near his home base. Another fetched me from an out-of-town client engagement and drove me to my friend’s home 5 hours away. We had a fun time during the journey getting to know each other better than we had on the phone.

While I’m not an advocate of getting in the car of a man I haven’t met, I’d been talking to each of these guys for a while. So even though I yearn for a local man to enjoy local events, if a geographically undesirable man is interesting enough, I’ll accept his invitation to get together if I know I’ll be in his area.

I’m careful to set boundaries and not lead him to think that I’m looking for a 1-night stand, nor is our distance-challenged situation optimal. I’ve tried long-distance relationships and I find that visiting each other every few weeks just doesn’t let us get to know each other in the way I want.

Am I as guilty of being a “player” like the sailors my mother referenced? Since I’m honest and transparent, I don’t feel I’m being duplicitous. If we both enjoy each other’s company and don’t try to take advantage of the other, then there’s no harm. Hurt happens when one begins to have more feelings than the other, but that can happen in any relationship, whether local or not.

Have you tried meeting singles out of your area? Tell us any lessons you learned.

________________

Want to know how to ethically date several people at once? Get your copy of Multidating Responsibly: Play the Field Without Being A Player.

At my professional association conference last week I got a lot of attention. I was very visible in a number of sessions, so had a lot of people acknowledge my contributions. In one session, I made a joke about looking for dance partners for the gala.

About a dozen men came up to me afterward saying they wanted a slot on my dance card. I smiled and agreed.

I moseyed into the ballroom after the DJ began and looked for my pre-determined dance partners. One grabbed me and escorted me to the floor. We had a fun couple of dances. I noticed others stationed near the floor’s edge.

Another spun me for a few songs. Turns out — unbeknownst to me — that he’d been on his country’s Dancing with the Stars! No wonder he was a good dancer!

But that was it. Many of the others who had requested dances didn’t make it into the ballroom — obviously something else distracted them. But I’m curious about those who were close enough to the dance floor to see that I was available. Were they just being nice to ask beforehand for a dance?

It makes me ponder — once again — about curious male behavior. I know women tend to over think things like this, but it’s indicative of so much about dating. Men show interest then don’t follow through.

Conceivably these guys got involved with others with whom they were chatting, or maybe they thought I was otherwise engaged with those who’d taken me to the dance floor. Or maybe they didn’t like the way I danced! Who knows?

Of course, I could have reminded them they were on my dance card, but that felt a bit desperate. If I was really hankering for a dance, I could have done that. But I don’t  relish hunting down men who’ve shown interest but don’t deliver.

I wanted to share this story for other women who end up scratching their heads wondering why men show interest, then disappear. Bottom line: Don’t take it personally. They got distracted by something and so don’t wait for them to come around. Just keep dancing.

_________________

Want examples of other head-scratching behaviors? Get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors.

Karen writes: “I am afraid I am too assertive. I start taking the lead when the man won’t or doesn’t. I see simple solutions (where and when to meet) and make suggestions. Is this really a bad thing?”

DG responds: If you are a dominatrix, you have stuck gold by finding many submissive men!

Not that there’s anything wrong with that if that’s what your into. I have now learned that “goddess” is a very popular term in the dom/sub world — but unfortunately that’s not what floats my boat. But I’ve had many, many men assume this is the case and have eagerly sought me out — but not too eagerly as that would mean they weren’t a sub!

But it doesn’t sound like that’s what you want. I have experienced your situation as well. If you want an assertive man, not a passive one, then yes, your initiating will be a problem. I found in my marriage I did 95% of the initiating of anything and it got tiresome.

So now in dating, when a man flirts, he has to initiate: “Shall we get together.” To which I’ve learned to respond, “I’d like that very much.” If he does nothing from that, I know he’s not that interested. If he says, “Great. Shall we have lunch or coffee?” I say, “I’d prefer coffee.” He has to suggest dates, times, places. I don’t want to sound evasive — in fact I want to sound encouraging! If I have to initiate closing the deal, I know he’s not very demonstrative (and I need a strong man or I’ll run all over him and be frustrated) and I let him go.

Karen: Do I offer to pay/split or not?

DG: Generally, men like to show they are a good provider, especially midlife men, and they will want to pick up the check, sometimes even if they have no interest in seeing you again.

This is one of the reasons I agree to only coffee for the first date. If we are ordering at the same time (meaning he didn’t get there first and order his while waiting for me), I always reach for my wallet. Ninety-five percent of the time, the man will say, “I’ve got this,” to which I smile and say, “Thank you.” If he’s already ordered, he will typically say, “What can I get you?” He’s being the host.

If we’d hit it off really well on the phone and I’m seduced into lunch with him for the first encounter (NEVER DINNER!!!), when the check comes, I again reach for my wallet. I’ll usually say, “How would you like to handle this?” Nearly all the time he’ll say, “I’ve got it.” If he says, “Let’s split it” it means he isn’t attracted to you. No problem. Pay up and be on your way. Don’t look for a kiss goodbye!

I’ve learned men like — really like — that you offered, but didn’t insist on splitting it. They feel emasculated if you insist when they’ve offered to treat. They get a little thrill out of treating; it makes them feel more manly. Don’t steal that from them by insisting on splitting the check.

After you’ve gone out a few times, then you can offer to take him to your favorite place, cook for him, pack a picnic, etc.

(Warning: I’ve learned many men interpret an invitation to your house as really an invitation for sex. One man showed up with his shaving kit on our second date when I’d invited him for dinner! If you’re not ready for that to happen, don’t invite him to your house — even for lunch! Or make sure there’s another couple and they agree to not leave until he has. Maybe I’ve just had too many who make this assumption, but now I don’t invite men to my house for a while. And there are definitely no sleep overs until I’ve visited his home at least once.)

Karen: Do I offer to drive to where he is or meet 1/2 way?  I often date outside my small town.

DG: If he’s interested, he’ll offer to make the drive to you. However, he may accept your offer to meet him half way. Don’t offer to drive to his city/town. If he says, “Let me know when you’re in my town” he has no interest in you, unless he has no car.

Men like to take care of women and doing the bulk of the driving is one way of doing that. However, if you’re an hour away he will appreciate your even offering to split the driving chore. On subsequent dates, you may offer to take turns, but let him drive to you (or meet half way) for the first few encounters.

Karen: I really have a problem with not sharing the burden of dating.  I’ll work on it.

When you realize men perceive this as taking something away from them, it gets easier to accept their overtures. They like to “win you over” and woo you. Let them!

Read “Are you open to receiving.”

________________

Want to know more about how midlife men think? Then download your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors. http://www.datinggoddess.com/new-books-by-dating-goddess/embracing-midlife-men-insights-into-curious-behaviors/

When we are younger, with our lives yet to be determined, we can fall in love with someone’s potential, not who they are at the moment. I know I have.

A pal wrote today, “I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a woman, rather than with the woman herself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the woman to ascend to her own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

Which makes me wonder: Are we just seeing them as we think they can be? Or are we projecting our desires onto them when they have no inclination to become what we see?

When we see them as “bigger” (more successful, fulfilling a future we see they can have), are we tapping into the best we see for them? This can be empowering (“I believe in you, baby,” “I know you can do it”) or demeaning (“I know you didn’t do your best,” “If you only did what I suggested you’d be more successful”).

But if our beloved doesn’t share our vision for him and has no desire for what we think is possible for him, both become unhappy. You are constantly disappointed by his lack of progress toward what you see as his greatness, and he feels a constant environment of disapproval and failure.

At this point in our lives, most of us have achieved something — yet not all that we imagined for ourselves. So seeing your sweetheart’s potential can be a marvelous gift to someone who may feel they are treading water toward retirement but had hoped to accomplish more. They’ve just become burnt out at how hard it has been to accomplish what they desired. Some people have abandoned their dreams and a cheerleader may be just what they need.

However, if your snookems is content to glide by at their current state and not aspire to more, your prodding him to reach his potential will be irksome.

When starting to date someone, I think it’s important within the first few months to discuss each of your visions for the future as well as dreams. If you are an achiever who believes in constantly improving and striving, you’re probably not going to be happy with someone who sees no need to change the status quo.

It can be sad to realize you see someone’s greater potential and your sweetie doesn’t see himself similarly. But if this is important to you, best to move on as otherwise you’ll be doomed for decades of disappointment.

I guess it shouldn’t be “love is blind” but perhaps “love sees the other as they may never see themselves.”

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Want more information on determining the characteristics you want in a man? Get In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne.

I have two 23-year-old women in my life who are both in bad relationships. This is not only my perspective, but they, themselves, often complain about their partners. Their mothers and sisters agree (the fathers aren’t around).

However, their partners know just what to say/do after a blow up to keep my friends around. Each of the women’s partners are immature, self-absorbed, manipulative, and lazy, leaning on each woman to supplement their meager income. There is some verbal abuse. When between jobs, instead of earnestly looking, they are distracted by video games, TV and goofing off.

And the cycle continues.

Having three decades on them, I can see the signs of a bad relationship not getting better. But whenever someone suggests each woman is being manipulated and can do much better, she gets defensive, standing up for her partner. We are concerned that they may get pregnant or elope which will make thing so much worse.

It made me think that we — you and I — could come up with some sage advice to pass on to our next generation. What lessons would the midlife you pass on to the twentysomething you if you could? What would you tell a much-younger you about critical signs for a good relationship and red flags? Since you are now much savvier, what wisdom would you impart?

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A friend shared that she was too naive after her decades-long marriage ended. She was clueless about not only how to be with men other than her now-ex-husband, but about how she could be harmed while she learned.

Soon after her divorce, she started dating a successful man and they had regular make-out sessions. One day, he said he had a cold sore on his lip. Her mother had always referred to canker sores as cold sores, so she didn’t know the difference or think anything about it.

A few weeks later, she got a cold and was constantly blowing her nose. She felt an odd tingling under her nose which blistered and festered. She’d never had anything like this so had no idea what it was. But she was too busy to go to the doctor, so she covered it the best she could with makeup.

Months later it happened again. It seemed to be related to colds, so she finally asked her doctor. She was horrified to learn it was herpes simplex virus. While the doctor said 50%-80% of adults carry the virus, many never get the sores. So she could have already had the virus in her system — or she could have received it from her then-beau.

I’ve heard many midlife daters say they don’t use condoms because they trust their partner. They don’t insist on an STD test before going condom-free. Some say, “I’m not dating a drug addict.” But today I heard a report that said 25% of those infected with HIV don’t know it.

So am I saying no kissing while dating? Kissing is a fun part of dating. But my friend has now vowed to slow down physical contact that can carry surprises. While you can insist on having STD tests before getting intimate, it would be awkward to ask if your date ever gets cold sores.

If cold sores aren’t part of your history, investigate what to look for in an outbreak in others so you can make sure to not touch the infected area. And the virus can become genital herpes through physical contact, so no matter how tempting, best to lay off any kissing or intimacy while one of you has an outbreak.

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Want to know more about things you may not have known to ask? Download your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed

Deb writes:

“I have had 4 dates with one man and I find him very interesting, funny, smart and a gentleman. How do I tell if he is really interested in me? I have read books and everything says to play a game, acting like you are not interested and he will come after you. I want an honest, open and upfront relationship. Do I tell him that I like him and flat out ask if he feels the same. Or do I go with the game of acting like I am not interested?”

Ah, Deb. The age-old question of, “Do I turn him off if I show I’m interested, or pretend to be aloof and coy in the hopes of enticing him?”

This conundrum has plagued women for decades (nay, centuries?).

First, I’m never for playing games. I, like you, prefer to be straightforward. That said, timing and word choice are everything. If you ask “Are you interested in me long term?” in the first few dates, you’ll sound needy and inappropriate.

I think the key is not what is *said* but what is done. Even if he answered, “Yes, I’m interested in you long term” then did little to show his interest, his actions (or inactions) create confusion and frustration, but really show his interest level. So it’s almost a moot point what you ask or what he says. You look for the actions that show he cares.

Caveat: In “Signs of endearment — or just habits?” I discuss how I misinterpreted what I thought were signs of caring, when really they were just my then-beaus habits around any woman. So actions nor words on their own are beacons into his thoughts and heart.

So my advice is to continue to show interest in him, accept his invitations, smile and laugh, but go slow. Look for the signs that says he’s interested in you beyond a quick fling. His introducing you to his friends and family is a solid sign, but it’s not the only thing to look for.

In other words, don’t broach the “Do you like me?” conversation. Keep it light and fun. When he brings it up, it will be more likely he wants to get more serious.

Readers, what do you think about Deb’s situation?
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Want more info on whether to continue dating someone? Download your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

A recent conversation with a guy pal was startling.

He’s a smart, goal-oriented, ethical, solid-morals, middle-class guy. So I assume he hangs out with other like-minded folks. But apparently not so much.

He shared that every one of his friends has “something on the side.” Meaning whether married or in a relationship, all of them have either a go-to booty call provider or a regular mistress/lover on the side.

I was so dumfounded I didn’t have the presence of mind to probe for more details. So I don’t know if it is true for both men and women, married and those in relationship but not married, only true for long-time relationships, or what.

So we have to make some assumptions until I get more data. We have to assume that, based on his blanket comment, that this is true for both genders, across socio-economic strata for all races in his circle of friends.

Wow.

If his social circle is an indication of much of America, it is depressing. If so, politicians and celebrities aren’t the only ones who take license with the concepts of commitment and fidelity. What is commonly believed to be an affliction of those with power has now filtered down to those with the inclination to cheat, no matter what their social status.

It is not news that people from all parts of society cheat. What was shocking to me is this man’s observation that so many do so. He said all of his friends, not just a few.

What are the implications for us midlife daters?

If we are constantly suspicious, it kills the relationship. But if we’re naive, we can get taken advantage of, as well as possibly be inflicted with deadly diseases.

Does this mean that if you’re becoming serious with someone you should hire an investigator? Some do. Seems a bit overkill unless you have some evidence.

Generally, I suggest people proceed slowly. It helps you note the person’s modus operandi. If after a few weeks, you notice he only pays in cash, only wants to come to your house, whenever you call in the evening, he says he has to call you back, these are some indications there’s another woman involved.

In fact, I suggest you don’t get serious until you’ve been to his house at least a few times. Get a little snoopy. Look in the bathroom cabinets. Are there lady products and he doesn’t share the bath with a daughter? He may shrug them off as leftovers from his last sweetheart. But just notice quantities and if some have been used when you come back.

Am I encouraging you to automatically be suspicious? A little. I’ve been taken in by cheaters and in retrospect, I could have been more astute, thus protecting my heart and my health.

The key, I believe, is to be open but cautious. Don’t accuse him of anything you don’t have solid evidence of. But also don’t believe lame explanations because you are smitten. Protect your heart.

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Want more of what to look for? Get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates

Since my divorce, I’ve had a fear of dance classes. Not because I’m concerned about following the steps — I’m reasonably adept at that. But it’s for another reason — something that I think might plague other accomplished women.

It might be something that you struggle with yourself.

I’m concerned that I won’t be able to follow a man’s lead.

For 20 years, I slow-danced with one man — my husband. I knew his moves. He wasn’t a strong leader (in anything, really), but I learned his steps and could follow along quite nicely.

Post divorce, I slow-danced with only a few beaus, and rarely in public. They held me so closely, it was impossible not to sway with them.

But dance class — in the arms of a strange man, doing a dance with specific steps I was supposed to follow. Oy vey! It was so scary, I stayed away from any dancing that would require being in a hold.

This was magnified exponentially when I had the melt down on the dance floor with the astronaut a few months ago. When this man I had just met pulled me close on our first (and only) dance, I froze. I didn’t move when he tried to move me. My statue-like state caused him to count the beat in my ear. I was humiliated.

So a few weeks ago I decided I needed to break through this barrier. I screwed up my courage and attended a salsa dance class, having convinced a gal pal to accompany me for moral support.

The instructor had the women rotate partners, so I danced with 8 men several times. Most of them were weak leads, but I fought the urge to take over. I survived — and even enjoyed it. But how would I be with a man who knew how to lead? Would I be able to follow even when they weren’t leading? Passivity wasn’t a strong suit.

This weekend, I got to experiment again, attending the  second class. This time, there were only 3 students — all women — so we got to take turns dancing with the three instructors.

Commenting on what I thought was a normal hand hold in our first turn together, the primary instructor, Frank, said, “I’d hate to meet you in a back alley — you’re strong.” It didn’t seem like a compliment. In our second turn, I thought I was following nicely when he said “You have to let the man lead. If you don’t, he feels emasculated.” I wasn’t appreciating his editorializing. Just tell me what I need to do to dance well, don’t lecture to me.

It fed into my insecurities about not knowing how to follow. So much so, I checked out the impressions with a younger, strong-leading instructor with whom I’d danced. He said I followed just fine.

What’s your experience with learning to follow? Do you have any issues with it or do you just naturally follow a man’s dance lead? Have you gained any insights if you had to learn this behavior?

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He’s got a comb over, beer belly, and has donned a wrinkled shirt. Yet he thinks he’s James Bond. George Clooney. God’s gift to women.

Why?

Because he gets a lot of attention from ladies. Especially over-40 single women.

Why?

Because there are more midlife single women than men over 40. Women in that age group have learned to go after what they want. And they want a man. Even the men described above.

Why?

These women have held out for the man of their dreams and been disappointed that the one(s) they thought was close, turned out to be a cheater, a ne’er-do-well, or emotionally unavailable. So they’ve lowered their expectations. Now they just want a man who will treat them nicely.

Average-looking single men have recounted how women throw themselves at them. The women make overt sexual advances on the first date. The men are inundated with women inviting them over for dinner and a little something-something for dessert. The man feels he’s got mojo oozing out his pores.

Author Bernard Salt calls this “hotness delusion syndrome.” While women can suffer from it as well, it seems particularly pronounced in middle-aged men who’ve stuck their toe — or more — in the dating pool. They feel they are not only in the candy shop, but immersed in a vat of delicious morsels — they can’t wait to try the next one. There’s an unending supply to quench their desires.

So what to do when you encounter one of these delusional ones? Generally, I’d say run in the other direction. It’s unlikely he’s going to be ready for the reality of the work and compromise a real relationship takes. If the relationship takes any tweaking (as relationships do), he’s gone as he can always get someone new in a flash.

However, if you feel you want to stick it out, you’ll have to feed that delusion and reinforce his perceived hotness. If you tell him the truth — that his ear hairs need trimmed, or he needs to lose 30 pounds, or he should buy iron-free shirts — he’ll be dejected and you’ll be rejected.

So if he’s self-aware enough to know that his hotness is unusual and unexpected, he’s a keeper. As long as he doesn’t begin to believe that he should only be dating Jennifer Aniston.
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Salsa — a spicy dip and a spicy dance. My latest experience is with the latter.

Dr. Philling myself, I asked how online dating was working for me. I’ve met some interesting men and gathered a few sweethearts from the experience, but know there are other options. Yet, being situationally introverted, I’m not great about getting myself to in-person singles events.

Like many midlife daters, I want to maximize my ability to meet intriguing singles. So I’ve been pep-talking myself into more in-person activities. Doubting I’ll meet anyone in my 99% all-women Jazzercise classes, I’ve expanded my reach — and my comfort zone.

So this weekend I convinced a gal pal to accompany me to a salsa dance class. Arriving 10 minutes before class time we were surprised we were the only ones there. “Cool,” we muttered to each other, “abundant attention from the male instructor.” Then three men swept in — we were surprised we were now in the minority.

Eventually, there were 8 couples including one other male instructor who patiently muttered the steps as each woman took turns in his arms. The instructor did a great job of having us change partners every few minutes so we got to practice not stepping on each other’s toes with multiple novices.

The instructor, a mid-life, pot-bellied man with a comb over was surprisingly sensual when he got his hips going. If men knew how alluring a good dancer is, I think more would take up ballroom dancing.

Even though I had lessons many years ago, I knew it would be best to start from scratch. So when the instructor asked about our experience, I said to assume I knew nothing. I was then pleased when he singled me out to compliment my turns.

Did I meet anyone I thought I’d want to date? No. But I did feel comfortable in the environment which made me want to return. After a few more lessons, I’d feel comfortable attending one of their salsa dance parties and expanding my social circle.

The experience reminded me of the process of dating. At first it feels awkward and uncomfortable. But with a little guidance and practice, you feel more secure. Within a short amount of time, you’re ready for more and looking forward to new experiences.

What have you tried that is like dating — you’re timid at first but then quickly get comfortable?

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It’s a bit awkward when someone you’re newly getting to know invites you to a casual family event and you end up hitting it off with his family much more than you do with him!

This happened to me this weekend. My new activity partner (AP) and I had agreed to see a movie. He called at noon to see if I’d like to have a bite to eat beforehand. “Sure” I responded. Then he added, “We’ll go to my brother’s for a BBQ, then we can go to the movie.”

“Hmmm” I thought. “We’re only activity partners, not really dating, and we’ve only seen each other 3 times before. It’s kinda early to be meeting his family. But what the heck, maybe it’s a party and I’m his plus one.”

It was not a party. It was just the four of us.

I hit it off immediately with his brother and sister-in-law. Especially the brother. He was tall, good looking, smart, funny and closer to my age and temperament than my activity partner. But he was married. How I wished he wasn’t — I’d be flirting up a storm.

His sister-in-law was sweet. But the contrast between the two of them and my AP was jarring. He is a sweet man, but he repeats himself and only talks about what he did on his job — from which he retired 8 years ago.

By the end of the afternoon, I restrained myself from suggesting we all go to a movie together. Asking for a second “date” seemed presumptive. So we’ll see if my AP comes up with this on his own.

Have you experienced liking your date’s friends or family better than him? Tell us your story.
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Are there signs you should move a man into the activity partner or friend zone? Find out in Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

Yee-haw!

Country Western dancing. Let’s go!

This was my feeling as I decided to try something new, a bit out of my comfort zone, in my quest to experiment with meeting available men in the “natural” way. Common advice from dating experts is to take a class in something that interests you. So I thought I’d give it a try.

Since I know no Country Western dances, my gal pal — also known as my courage crutch — and I knew we needed to show up for the lessons an hour before the club’s normal hours.

When we arrived, a line-dance lesson was in full swing. We hopped right in. Although the instructor wasn’t as thorough as my Jazzercise instructor, I followed along reasonably well, messing up less and less as the lesson progressed. My gal pal, however, bailed about half way through and sat down.

Our problem began when the next dance was a couples two-step. All those interested in learning gathered on the dance floor. The men picked a partner. Just like in high school, no one picked either of us. Feeling a bit rejected, we sat down rather than two-step alone. We watched in interest as the lesson progressed, sure we could have picked up the reasonably simple steps.

The lesson over, open dancing began. We realized we were like new-born calves in a sea of mature cows and bulls. Nearly all the dancers knew the intricate patterns to the music. We realized we’d look like innocent rodeo lambs released from the gate, with only a few seconds before we were writhing under a cowboy’s powerful ropes, squealing forlornly. We didn’t want feign we knew what we were doing — although admittedly we were used to doing that since we were both consultants.

So we settled for marveling at the smooth, energetic moves of the elderly man twirling several 20-something girls. We were enthralled by the several dozen various-shaped bodies all moving to their own style. And we stealthily hid from any potential partner’s gaze as the single men hunted for available women. We knew we were not ready to be hauled around the dance floor by someone who actually knew what he was doing.

At the band’s first break, we decided it was time for us to head back to our barns. We could be satisfied that we’d tried a new pasture and we’d survived with our dignities in tact.
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While munching sushi and margaritas, the sweet, 62-year-old widower shared his concern as we discussed dating. His wife of 3 decades had died 18 months ago and he was dipping into the dating pool.

What he found was a lot of aggressive, sexually hungry women. He was dumfounded that they tried to seduce him on the first date. He was not happy about this.

One woman invited him to her house for their first date. When he arrived, she’d laid out various battery-operated toys for him to choose. He was stunned. Not completely understanding what was expected from him, he allowed her to explain each one before he high-tailed it home.

“Is this what women expect now? A roll in the hay on the first date? I haven’t been intimate with a woman in a while. I don’t even know if my equipment still works!”

I felt sorry for the dear man. This was only one of a number of encounters where women tried to seduce him on the first encounter. “I need to feel something for a woman before I jump into bed with her. I’ve never been into casual sex. If this is the expectation, I’m not cut out for this.”

On one hand, I was sad that he had to encounter such uncouth women. On the other hand, I was glad to hear it wasn’t just women who encountered inappropriate, lecherous people in the dating pool.

Also, I thought it was brave of him to show his vulnerability to me exposing his uncertainty about sex. It was a refreshing change from the many men who boasted of their sexual prowess, often even before we met.

I assured him that there are many classy women who also want to wait until they have an emotional connection before getting intimate. I told him he will learn to weed out the inappropriate ones through more probing on the phone so he’ll improve his ratio of appropriate to inappropriate meetings. I shared that I am still not perfect at that vetting, but I am much, much better than in the beginning.

For those who’ve not dated in decades, the modern dating scene can be quite a shock. It is surprising what people tell or ask you, sometimes before you’ve even met. The assumptions and behaviors of some can be abhorrent. You can get scared and angry. Or you can realize that your assumptions that people are thoughtful, classy and appropriate are too generous, based on your own circle of friends.

However, there are good, honest, thoughtful, generous people in the dating pool. We just have to hone our skills to find them.
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Want to know more about what to expect when you enter the world of midlife dating? Get your copy now of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool.

His online profile mentioned that he loved sex, something that is usually a yellow flag as it says the man doesn’t have much of an appropriateness filter. But other things he shared made me give him some slack.

Half an hour into our first phone call, he said he “loved, loved, loved sex.” He suggested our first date be at his house to watch a move and if I wanted, stay over. I said I wasn’t comfortable going to a strange man’s house on the first date. I should have called it quits then, but I’d enjoyed most other aspects of our conversation.

Before we met, during our second call, he mentioned the previous Saturday night he was with a woman he used to date from Match.com. “I ended up staying the night” he shared. He now wanted to get together with me.

It was clear his attitude about sex was different than mine. He obviously felt no need or desire to be exclusive with someone with whom he was having sex, since he was trying to set up a date with me.

He asked if I wanted to get together. While I appreciated his candor, I didn’t want to get involved with someone who I felt I’d be fighting off throughout the evening because he clearly was only interested in one thing. And if we were to start seeing each other, I couldn’t trust that if we became intimate he’d be exclusive.

Is casual sex bad? Not between two people who have the same goals, are open about them and are responsible. But it’s not for me.

So I was grateful he laid out his hand so clearly and so soon. It saved me a lot of time and headache.

Have you gone out with someone who clearly wanted only casual sex when you wanted more? If so, how did you deal with it?
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I was listening to my friend Mike Robbins speak to a group about his newest book on authenticity, Be Yourself. Everyone Else is Already Taken: Transform Your Life with the Power of Authenticity. He’d asked the audience a few questions about what value authenticity has in our lives and then he asked why being authentic was so hard.

Several people shared that being authentic meant being vulnerable which wasn’t always optimal, especially in business. There was much agreement that one should be their authentic self, no matter what. Phoniness was not compelling.

I raised my hand and said, “I struggle with strategic phoniness. For example, if I’d shown up for this event without makeup or Spanx, you wouldn’t have wanted to be around me. My authentic self wears neither, but it doesn’t represent the me I want you to know. So when is strategic phoniness acceptable?”

A lively discussion ensued about how looking one’s best wasn’t really phony.

It made me think about dating. We want to put our best selves forward, but where is the line between presenting ourselves in the best possible light and being inauthentic? We think certain elements of our personality are unattractive so we should keep those hidden until we know someone better and feel they won’t reject us for those.

However, a common complaint in dating is that someone didn’t turn out as they represented themselves. He appeared successful, wearing expensive clothes or spending lavishly on dates. Only when you were hooked emotionally to him, did you learn he was deep in debt.

Or he snuggled up next to you during your favorite TV shows or sports, seemingly engaged, but once you are committed (or married!) he shows no interest whatsoever. The new wife of my cousin confided that when they were dating, they would work out together 5 times a week. Now that they are married, she can’t get him to the gym.

Or when dating, they’d have sex regularly. Both seemed to really enjoy it. Now that they are living together, you can count on one hand the number of intimate times they share each month.

So where’s the line between wanting to seem like a good sport and participate in your sweetie’s activities, and when you’re being inauthentic? You fear that if you are truly authentic (“No, I don’t want to hang out with your bratty grandkids this weekend”), you won’t find anyone to date. However, when is “going along” and “being a good sport” turn into pretending something that isn’t true for you?
What’s your take on the distinction between authenticity and strategic phoniness? Have you been disappointed when someone you thought was authentic turned out to be different?

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How do you determine if he’s being authentic or a poser? Get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

“You’ll never meet another guy like me” he said confidently during our first phone call.

I refrained from saying “Duh. Everyone’s unique,” but I decided it would be better to play along. I wanted to see what he thought was unique. “How so?” I asked, curious about what he’d say.

“How many men have you met who retired at 44?” said the 51-year-old, 27-year military veteran.

“A few,” I said truthfully.

“How many men have you met who have no children around, no drama from ex-wives and no money issues?”

“Not many,” I replied, feeling I should throw him a bone.

“I’m healthy, STD-free, and work out regularly. I can do whatever I want when I want.”

“You are a rarity,” I cooed, now clear he was seeking acknowledgement.

But why was he selling himself so hard? We’d already laughed and seemed to be getting along nicely. Did he feel he had to convince me to have coffee with him? I didn’t feel there was a need for a sales job.

I realize I can be intimidating to a lot of men, so I’ve learned to be nice and as gracious as I can. I don’t want to be intimidating, but I find many men are not used to talking to an articulate, focused, present woman. So I try to put them at ease and give them some slack so they don’t have to try to impress me on the first call.

When people try a bit too hard it backfires. They want to impress you, but by trying to do so they actually seem needy and less confident than they are intending.

Does overselling indicate someone is compensating? Often. They don’t realize that others are actually more impressed by how someone treats them and behaves around them than by being told what a terrific person they are.

Have you been on the receiving end of someone trying too hard? How did you handle it? Have you ever found yourself trying a bit too much?

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Pin-the-crown-on-the-princess game at Royal Wedding party

I’ve just returned from the royal wedding. Well, not the wedding itself, as my invitation must have gotten lost in the post. However, I let it be known to my British friends that I was available for anyone’s plus one. I would have dashed out and bought a fascinator!

I was in London for a few days right before the wedding but decided not to fight the crowds for a 10-second view of the procession so went to a friend’s house an hour outside London. We watched it on the telly then went to two royal wedding parties.

Bar maids dressed for the Royal Wedding party at local pub

While I watched, I was as entranced along with millions of other viewers. I pondered the allure. Two good-looking, young, rich people were allowing the world to watch one of the most important moments of their lives. The “costumes” of both the wedding party and guests made for entertaining television. The horsemen, guards and carriages were the height of pomp. Everything ran smoothly — nearly perfectly.

Surprisingly, princesses were hard to find

Women (mostly) were enraptured by the whole process. The London papers were filled with front-page detail for the week before and days afterward. What was so beguiling for my ilk — midlife women? And was it good for us single women — or bad?

The wedding symbolized what we long for — a real-life fairy tale (is that an oxymoron?) where love conquers all. A prince falls for a commoner (never mind that this commoner’s family is worth millions). He breaks from long tradition to marry the woman he loves. This gives us hope that we, too, will find an exceptional man who wants to scoop us up.

Kate waited for him to be ready — for eight years. There has been no mention of her wanting to wait as well — only that she waited. This again gives us hope that love may develop over time — that it’s not a whirlwind.

Boy dressed for local Royal Wedding celebration

The bad is that we may hold out for such high criteria that we miss out on the everyday princes (or, I prefer, kings) — ones who treat us like queens, no matter what their economic standing. Some women are insistent that their man be tall, fit, handsome, well-mannered, educated and have all his hair. (Kate, luckily, wasn’t staunch about the latter.) We may insist that he has the ability to lavish us with expensive gifts, and whisk us away to our honeymoon on a helicopter.

So is the royal wedding good or bad for us midlife daters? I think if we are able to keep our expectations in check, it is good. Romance, generally, is.

What’s your opinion on if it is good or bad for us? Why?

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Want more info exploring what kind of prince/king will be right for you? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?.

A few days ago, over a pain au chocolat in Paris, my French friend Benoit shared relationship advice. While it was something I’d heard before, somehow coming from a Frenchman in Paris, delivered in his charming French accent, it had more gravitas.

DG: Benoit, the French have an international reputation for love, romance and sensuality. You’ve been married over two decades. What do you attribute your long-term relationship success to?

Benoit: It ez very zimple. Anyone can understand.

DG: OK. Tell me.

Benoit: You must court your love az long az you are together.

DG: Is that it? Is there more?

Benoit: I tell my wiv I love her every day. I tell her in different wayz.

DG: Like what?

Benoit: One day I tell her she iz beautiful. Another day I tell her I love how she smellz. Another, how sexy she iz. Another, what a good cook she iz. I compliment her on the different thingz I love about her.

DG: Does she do the same?

Benoit: She tellz me in different wayz. I know she lovez me.

DG: And you feel that is the secret to your long-term happiness?

Benoit: Abzolutely! We appreciate each other every day.

So there you have it — straight from a Frenchman’s lips! I agree with him wholeheartedly. Dating and counting never ends. It keeps the allure and passion alive.

Now, if I could just find a charming Frenchman with whom to try out this concept.

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Want more info on how to have a successful long-term relationship? Get your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

I like to flirt. I don’t ever expect anything from it. I’m surprised if there is a benefit beyond just fun.

This week I had an experience that cemented my belief in harmless flirting. Not that I needed any encouragement!
I’m in London this week and my travel pal and I decided to see a play. We were keen on seeing “The Children’s Hour” but were loath to pay full price. The half-off ticket stands didn’t have any tickets for this play since it was wildly popular so the theater didn’t have trouble filling the house.

We traipsed off to the theater’s box office an hour before curtain time. A young man greeted us cheerfully behind the plexiglass so I returned his broad smile.

“Hi. We’re interested in the best seats for the cheapest price for tonight’s performance.”

He playfully responded, “Cheap is in the eye of the beholder. Let me tell you what seats we have available.”

He looked at his list. “Fifty-one pounds for side orchestra. Sixty-five pounds for center balcony.”

I smiled. “My dear, I think we have different definitions of ‘cheap.’ We’d love the center balcony. But sixty-five pounds is too much. Are they really good seats?”

“They’re great seats. I haven’t seen the play, but I hear they have good sight lines.”

“You haven’t seen the play? Really?”

“No, we have to buy tickets, too.”

“Well, that’s not right. You can come with us and sit on our laps.”

He shrieked with delight, nearly falling off his chair laughing.

“Listen, you have absolutely made my day. Is there anyone behind you?” I turned and looked, then shook my head ‘no.’ “I’m going to give you these center balcony seats for 25 lbs. Just don’t tell anyone!”

I promised I wouldn’t. No one at all — except all my blog readers.

So flirting has untold benefits. If it is done appropriately, especially with strangers, both parties will have a fun experience. And you never know what hidden benefits will come of it.

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Want more info on how to be enticing? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping

I was interviewed on Dr. Duffy Spencer’s “Just Relationships” radio show for two shows. Dr. Duffy is a lively interviewer. Each is 30 minutes.

Listen to Part 1

Listen to Part 2

Do you sometimes feel you’ve explored all the eligible men in your area who meet your criteria? Perhaps you’ve modified your online searches and lowered your requirements and still no one compelling has expressed mutual interest.

You need to try something new. Dramatically different.

For me, I’m trying not only a different route, but a different continent. I’m expanding my sweetheart quest to Europe. I’m working and playing there for the month of April so am changing my online profile to reflect my temporary home cities. We’ll see what happens.

I’m starting in London for a week. We’ll see if I discover anyone interesting while I’m enjoying business and pleasure activities. I’ve already got a tea date set up with a London red bus driver  I “met” online. (For those who know I’m a job snob, this is clearly a lark.)

Traditional wisdom is that long-distance relationships rarely work. But I’m willing to experiment to broaden my adventure.

Stay tuned for dating stories from a broad abroad, or, at the least, a few travelogues.
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Want more info on how to make your search an adventure? Get your copy In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

We’ve all had it.

None of us likes it.

It stings, although sometimes it’s a relief.

It’s hard to give and to receive.

Rejection.

So I have a tool that will help the next time you are rejected by a potential date.

If it’s by email, simply print out the missive and do what this wise one does. Follow along and do exactly the same.

Feel better?
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Want ideas for how to respond to rejection and breakups? Get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

You’ve heard this bromide from people who want to encourage others to be more bold, or to justify their own failed behavior.

So does it hold true in dating?

Yes, it doesn’t hurt to try…

…to ask someone out for coffee who you’ve admired from afar, or even just met.

…to contact someone online who seems interesting.

…to show your interest in someone by asking about their life.

However, it does hurt to try…

…to kiss someone on the first date who hasn’t given you very clear signals they are interested, and/or who you haven’t asked if you could. You could ruin any chance of a second date as you could be seen as overly aggressive and inappropriate.

…to get too physical too soon — a hand on a thigh or too touchy. You could be perceived as disrespectful and crossing the other’s boundaries.

…to continue to pursue someone after they’ve said they aren’t interested. You’ll seem like you’re ignoring their wishes and even stalking.

So while some trying something bold can be positive, other times it can be harmful. When you hear yourself think, “It doesn’t hurt to try,” think through the options to see if it actually might hurt to try. If someone could respond negatively, seek alternatives.
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Want to understand more issues to consider on a first date? Get your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increase the Chance of a Second Date.

At the train station in Cheshire, England, officials erected a “No Kissing” sign since traffic stacked up while amorous lovers made out bidding each other good-bye.

It made me wonder about our own personal no-kissing zones. Although many (most?) daters don’t mind some PDA, there are places we’d rather not neck.

For example, after several weeks of intensive calls, an out-of-town suitor decided he just couldn’t wait to show me how glad he was to be with me at last. As we walked to the restaurant down my home town main drag, he backed me up to a building and started necking. While I appreciated his attraction to me, I was dismayed at his choice of spots, as who knew which of my clients might amble by.

I tried to break off to tell him to wait until we were in private, but he scoffed saying, “I don’t care who sees.” Thanks, bub, for caring about my desires!

With other men, I was less concerned with being smooched in public. While I try to balance honoring spontaneity with discretion, if besotted with a man, I didn’t mind long smooches outside a neighborhood haunt, no matter who was around.

In fact, one of my most delicious dates was at the movies with a particularly alluring sweetheart. We chose an early movie with few people in the theater and sat in the very back. We started canoodling, conscious of being as quiet as possible. We did nothing more than kiss. A few rows in front of us sat another middle-aged couple. At the end of the flick, they turned to look at us and seemed shocked we weren’t teenagers.

However, that was in the dark, not broad daylight, and not in a place where others would easily see us.

What are your boundaries around long kisses (not just quick pecks) in public? Does it depend on who you’re with and your feelings toward him? Or the location — neighborhood vs. unfamiliar area? Or the amount of wine you’ve had?

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Want to understand more of what you should know on your way to intimacy? Get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

We like our friends, in part, because of who we are when we are with them. We feel we can relax and be our best self.

Unlike how we feel when we are around people who we find difficult, obnoxious or off-putting. Part of why we don’t like being around those folks is because we don’t like how we feel around them.

Another way to say this is: around our friends, our true self is called forth. We feel good, comfortable, relaxed.

When we are exploring a new relationship, it’s important to be aware of what part of you is called forth. Do you feel comfortable, safe and relaxed? Do you feel kind, accepting and generous? Or do you get defensive, angry, or competitive?

Most people aren’t conscious of what is being called forth; they just decide they like someone or not. They don’t realize that part of why they like or dislike a person is based on how they feel around them and what part of them is brought out.

I was discussing a mutual colleague with a pal. I said, “I don’t like how I’m triggered to be when I’m around him.” Yes, you can consciously choose how you behave around others. But the people who elicit the strongest negative reactions are those who trigger something deep within us — some old hurt. We find ourselves reacting before giving any thought to the situation.

So when starting to get to know a potential romantic partner, be mindful of what part of you is being called forth. If you feel wonderful and rarely confused or upset, keep seeing him. But if you find yourself regularly feeling defensive, hurt or angry, move on.

However, know that some relationship counselors suggest that if you are able to hang out in the negative emotion, you can work to heal that old hurt so it no longer has any power over you. But this is an advanced skill that is hard to master. I have, on occasion, realized that the negative emotion a beau evoked was an opportunity to look at the underlying old hurt and heal it. By healing it, one is no longer susceptible to the triggers, so isn’t bothered by the behaviors that called forth the disappointment.

After a date, ask yourself, “How did I feel? Was my best self called forth? Was I kind, generous, interested a good listener? Or did I find myself getting irritated with him over little things?” If the later, best to move on, unless there are other overriding characteristics that will make it worth your while to notice and examine the negative triggers.

Have you noticed how you feel after a date and identified what part of you was called forth? What did you notice and what did you do about it?

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For more info on what to be aware of when first dating, get your copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

It was great fun to be interviewed for “Girlfriend We Gotta Talk” radio show which aired Sunday. Download the show to listen to our lively 1/2-hour conversation.

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If you want the real scoop on what it’s like to be dating again after 40, get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

Midlife singles often tell me that the biggest challenge with dating is getting a date in the first place. That isn’t what I see as the greatest obstacle, as you could easily go out with lots of people if you adjust your criteria.

In my experience, the biggest issue is finding someone interesting and engaging enough to see again (and they feel similarly), then building some traction. About half of the 110 men I’ve gone out with resulted in one-time-only meetings.

By “traction,” I mean what the thesaurus gives us: adhesion — or sticking together. While I accept second and subsequent dates with men whose company I enjoy, it can be difficult getting beyond good conversation to a more romantic connection. There is a delicate balance between moving too quickly and moving so slowly that the relationship transitions to the “friend” category.

So how does one get traction toward building a romantic relationship, not just a friendship? I think mutual flirting helps, if sincere, as it telegraphs that you’re not just looking for an activity partner pal.

The traction needs to build naturally. If you feel you are always the one making contact, or suggesting getting together, or pulling the other in conversation, you are in a rut and there is no traction to get you out. You are doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. That isn’t a win/win.

What if you find there is no momentum after a handful of dates? You can continue seeing each other if you like each other, and see if a romantic relationship evolves. I have now-married friends who started out as pals and then they became romantic.

Generally, we expect to feel some spark, some chemistry beyond liking each other. So if you aren’t feeling you’re becoming more connected, then it’s probably best to have the “let’s be friends” conversation. That might inspire him to kick it up a notch and realize he wants more, or he might just agree to be friends.

What have you done if you don’t feel the relationship is moving forward after a handful of dates? Have you stuck with it or relegated the relationship into the friend realm?
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Caught not knowing if you should continue or move on? Then get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

(Dear Readers: My fabulous former relationship counselor and friend Sonika Tinker has a teleseminar series and CD set I thought might interest you so I asked her to contribute a posting.)

by Guest Blogger Soniker Tinker, MSW

Many singles are tired of the dating scene and sick of superficial interactions. Most leave dates and singles events feeling more lonely and discouraged than ever.

Why? The dating scene doesn’t work.

Wayne Dyer said, “We don’t get what we want, we get who we are.”

When singles meet, they don’t really see each other, they talk but don’t feel heard, reach out but don’t feel connected. There is so much judging, assessing, impressing, withholding, deciding, wanting and needing going on that no one is really being with each other and there is little space left for authentic, joyful, intimate relating.

Does this sound familiar? Someone looks at you and you look at them and within two seconds you have already decided whether or not you are going to see each other again. You go through the motions of a flat, dishonest evening anyway, pretending you don’t notice or feel the obvious. It is so uncomfortable that you wonder afterward why the heck you bother venturing out at all – you’d have more fun at home in your bathrobe on the couch watching TV!

There are over 20 reasons why dating doesn’t work. I am listing five of them:

1. Your list of what you want in a partner prevents you from actually “being” with the people you meet, so relationship can’t develop. You have a relationship with your comparative list instead of a person. Besides, checking each other out keeps you in your head and out of your heart where love lives.
2. You are so busy trying to impress each other that authenticity goes out the window. Relationship can’t build when people are hiding, pretending, trying, etc. Relationship flows when people are honest and real.
3. You think who you see on a date is who the other person really is. But it isn’t. (They are in pretense mode too.) So you miss out on who this person could be or might be. People are not rigid and fixed. They are ever changing and evolving and becoming. In fact, you play a huge role in how someone shows up around you.
4. Wanting a relationship prevents you from having one, so unfortunately, the more you long for a relationship, the more relationship can’t show up. Wanting and having can’t exist in the same space. You need to be able to move out of wanting into having in order to manifest a relationship.
5. You don’t intentionally create your dating experience ahead of time. You show up on a date to “see” how you “feel” about this person like a passive observer in a movie. Your date is doing the same thing, so the date drifts, passively along into whatever.

There are many more reasons why dates don’t work. We talk about them on our 2-CD set, “Why Am I Still Single?” If you are committed to breaking free and creating a relationship, you can get our 6-week singles program home-study course.

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Email Sonika, call for more info at 530/878-3893, or visit her web site, www.loveworksforyou.com.

Our society drowns us in Valentine’s Day propaganda — cramming down our throats that if we have a sweetie we have to go all out to show our ardor. And by implication, if you don’t have a honey, you are a loser.

You know you’re not a loser. You have been working toward finding a compatible, mutually attractive sweetheart. You’ve been consciously and consistently making yourself the best you can be.

You’ve kept up your beloved-finding activities. Over and over. Like a long march toward an elusive love. You keep at it.

One foot in front of the other.

You keep on trucking.

You plod along.

The search, as with any long trek, is punctuated with highs and lows. Sometimes the path is riddled with obstacles; other times it’s clear and easy. You’re elated to find a fun adventure partner, but then you take different paths. Sometimes that is a blessing; sometimes it’s deflating.

You’re tempted along the way to sit on a rock and just be present to where you’ve come and where you are. The perspective may be a beautiful vista, highlighting how far you’ve progressed. Or it could be depressing to see the distance you’ve trudged and not glimpse the end yet.

But you know to stay stagnant would not garner the future you envision and long for. So you give yourself a pep talk and keep trekking. You remind yourself to enjoy the journey and notice the beauty and uniqueness of everything — and everyone — you encounter, even though it may not look fetching at the time. You remind yourself that all of life has some lesson and ultimate good, if you are willing to look for it.

So you ignore the pressure to take the media’s Valentine’s Day messages to mean you are defective if you don’t have a sweetheart right now. You can use the barrage of candy, flower and jewelry ads to remind yourself that true love begins with your being besotted with yourself. Try wooing yourself during this time of year and do things that rekindle your infatuation with the person who is key to allowing anyone else to adore you — that would be you!

And you keep on your path, with a renewed verve and oozing love from your core. Your ardor for yourself will attract the right partner to dance down the path of life.

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Need help reminding yourself why someone would love you? Get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

Younger men. Sometimes decades younger. Perhaps young enough to be your son.

I’m not usually drawn to them because they are typically even more immature than the fifty-somethings I tend to date. And I abhor the concept of and term “cougar” so would never want to be accused of one.

But every once in a while a younger man comes along who is worth considering. And if there’s mutual attraction, it can be great for your ego — as well as fun!

A few months ago I had a few dates and continue to be contact with one such man. He is more emotionally mature than many of the chronologically mature men with whom I’ve gone out, despite his being 20 years my junior. He’s handsome, interesting, thoughtful, intelligent — and he thinks I’m sexy and, in his words, “gorgeous.” I usually only get that from the near-sighted men closer to my own age.

Yesterday a 40-year-old colleague called and the topic turned to his 63-year-old widowed mother who’d begun dating. He’s been helping her write her online profile and vetting prospective suitors. It got him thinking about if he weren’t happily married. He blurted out, “If I weren’t married, I’d definitely want to date you.” Sweet man. Of course, when one is married, it is very safe to spew such sentiments. Toward the end of the conversation, he said he thought I was “smokin’ hot,” which made this overweight, crow’s feet-festoon 55-year-old feel very nice indeed.

Several friends have long-term marriages with younger men. I could see how it could work if the couples were compatible. After all, in the grand scheme, does age really matter? He could have health challenges before she does. And since women’s life span is longer, she’d be able to have a sweetheart into her elder years.

Most of us don’t like to think long term. We want to enjoy the magic of now and believe we’ll figure out what we need when the time comes. So why not embrace the situation if a there’s a mutual attraction with a younger man and see where it goes?

As long as you both are clear that you want similar things out of life, then an age difference doesn’t really matter. However, my experience is that a man a decade or so younger typically has children at home, or is consumed by his career, or doesn’t really have time or the means to travel or accompany me in the life I’ve created. If so, great. But I’ve found it’s rare.

So should you throw caution to the wind and play with your boy toy? Or is that disrespectful to him, implying that you will discard him when he’s no longer fun to play with? But isn’t that a possibility no matter what his age? And, of course he could jettison you just as easily.

What’s your philosophy about midlife women dating a man over a decade younger? Have you done it? What did you learn?

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Want to explore more about who you want as your next sweetie? Get your copy of  In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

(Dear Readers: I knew my friend and relationship coach Amy Schoen was offering her telecourse this month so asked her to submit an article to let you know.)

by Guest Blogger, Relationship Coach Amy Schoen

The clock struck midnight on New Years Eve and you were with your friends or alone with no one to kiss. You vowed to yourself to have a significant relationship by the summer. How do you plan on making that happen?

Here are my top dating tips and strategies to get love right this year:

1. Carve out time for dating and relationships: Like many professionals, you are stretched by the demands of your work, family, friends and other commitments. However, in order to succeed at love you need to make time for looking to meet someone and then for the relationship once you’ve met the person.
2. Be proactive. There are so many ways to meet people from Internet dating to Meetups to joining a singles group. Try something new. Push yourself outside your comfort zone and you will meet people.
3. Be open to learning how to best be in a relationship. Take a class, read a book, or work with a relationship coach. Give yourself the best chance of making the relationship move forward by learning new skills.
4. Surround yourself with positive, supportive people who encourage you to stick to your dating plan, especially when it gets rough. Consider joining a support group — even a virtual one.
5. Stay positive about yourself and dating. Focus on what you bring to a relationship instead of what your flaws. Nearly everyone has some positive attributes that someone will find attractive.
6. Visualize yourself in a successful, happy relationship so you can see that it is possible for you to have the loving relationship that you deserve.

A new year brings new possibilities. What first step are you going to take?

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Amy Schoen, MBA, CPCC is a certified professional life coach that specializes in dating and relationships. If you really ready to focus on getting love right this year, then join her upcoming 10-week “Get Love Right” telecoaching group (www.GetLoveRight.com) starting February 22nd. There are only 6 slots available for this group. The program includes 3 personal coaching sessions and support from like-minded individuals. She also reviews your Internet dating profile (or gets you online). Join before 2/15 and save $200.

Read more of her dating tips from her on her blog: www.motivatedtomarry.com for seriously minded singles. Get started today with your first personal coaching session with Coach Amy!

When your friends are all coupled and rarely want to do something social without their spouse, it can be hard to find activity buddies. Sure, there are singles events in many locales, but often they feel like an audition instead of just having people with whom to do things. And other than your all being single, you may find you have little in common with these folks so make few connections.

Sometimes you come upon someone on a dating site who likes to do similar things as you, but you know there’s no romantic interest. Other times the person will say clearly, “Looking for an activity partner.” It takes the pressure off wondering if he’ll try to kiss you in the middle of the first date!

I was contacted recently by someone who refreshingly said he was just looking for a pal with whom to do things. We like to do a lot of the same things, and I recognized him as a community leader from his pics. He shared that his wife of three decades died last year and he wanted someone to go to the movies and hikes and bike rides. Plus, he lives in my neighborhood!

So I will meet my new potential friend tomorrow for lunch and see if we like each other enough to want to do things together. Our phone conversation pointed to “yes” on the would-we-enjoy-hanging-out-together dial. And I don’t think I’ll have to be concerned about his trying to sneak a kiss on the first encounter.

Have you nurtured strangers to become activity partners? Have they ever transitioned to romantic partners? Tell us your story.

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Are you like the man mentioned in this posting — not sure if you’re ready to date again or not — then get your autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great?

Men often show their connection by teasing and good-naturedly insulting each other. They can make pot shots about the other’s weight, thinning hair, bulbous nose, incompetencies, shortcomings or lack of sexual prowess without taking it personally.

So what happens when a woman — especially a woman he’s attracted to — tries to join in the boys’ club teasing?

Not good.

Some women have trouble understanding that many men take it especially hard when a woman busts a man’s… chops. So if the woman he’s dating joins in the fray when his friends are torquing his jaw, it doesn’t feel like chops she’s busting to him; it feels like she’s attacked his sensitive man parts.

It took me a long time to learn this. I can quickly join in the busting repartee. All my life I have found myself the only woman in a group of male friends or colleagues so picked up the behaviors they have among the guys.

The problem is, men don’t take teasing from a woman as they would from a man. Decades ago a gal pal pulled me aside and told me to not teasingly put down my then-husband. It took me a while as he laughed when I teased him. But I did reduce and eventually stop this behavior with him, as I began to see it was not the right dynamic for us.

A year ago, a male friend asked me to “be nice” to him in front of his girlfriend. When I sincerely said, “You mean I’m not always nice to you?” He said no, sometimes I zinged him in front of her. I apologized and realized he was right. I vowed to build him up in front of her, not tear him down. I eliminated my zingers, whether she was around or not. And I promised myself I’d stop myself from the temptation to do that to any man.

So why do women zing men?

• It can elicit laughter, often from the target himself.
• It makes her feel like she’s accepted by the guys.
• She feels special because other women aren’t given such alpha status.
• She doesn’t think it hurts the target.
• She has low self-esteem so it makes her feel good to put down others.

Most men would not let on that it was uncomfortable — or downright hurtful — to receive zingers from a woman, especially a woman with whom he was involved. They may laugh it off, but it can hurt and he’ll never let on. So the women think they are just playing around, that the guys like it or it doesn’t affect them.

So women, have you zinged men? If so, why? Did you learn to stop?

Men, how has it felt when a girlfriend/wife zinged you?

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Want to understand more about what creates problems in relationships and how to fix them? Get your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

A 25-year-old woman agreed to meet — for the first time — a man she’d connected with through a dating site at his house at 9 p.m. to go out to dinner. When she arrived at his door, he grabbed her by the hair and pulled her inside. There, a gun-toting accomplice demanded her keys and the two men drove off in her car.

This is a tragic story.

But it is also a story of stupidity. She was 25 — old enough to know better. But she did not have enough sense to know it was stupid to meet a man for the first time at his house!

Yes, she is a victim.

But really, some people are victims because of their lack of good decision making.

What are the chances this could happen to you? I hope very low. Because you are older and, I trust, much wiser.

The reason this made the news is because it was an anomaly. But there are plenty of other tales of bad stuff that’s happened to women on a date that they are too embarrassed to report.

This underscores why you should never make an exception to meeting a man in a public place the first few times.
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For info on how to vet a man before going out, get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates

When leaving my exercise class at an elementary school auditorium, this sign caught my eye. It made me think it ought to be posted at coffee shops to remind daters to use their manners!

Why did this cross my mind?

I had another date that left me scratching my head. I checked with a couple of male pals to see if I had too-high expectations.

“What happened?” you ask.

We’d talked, texted and emailed for a few weeks as we worked out a mutually available evening. There seemed to be a shared interest.

When I arrived at the nearly empty coffee shop, he was sitting at a table typing on his phone. I stood opposite him and said “Hello.” He looked up from his phone and said “Hello.”

He didn’t rise to greet me. I can’t remember a date not rising when I appeared, and then either offer a hand or a hug. Heck, I rise on first meeting someone at an appointment whether male or female.

I sat down. He said, “Let me send this email.” I watched as he finished typing.

He asked if I wanted something to drink, then got up to order and fetch it. OK, this guy has some manners.

We had an enjoyable conversation. After 90 minutes, the shop began closing. He said, “We need to go.” I stood up, took my coat from the chair and donned it. He rose and stepped back from the table, which I thought was odd. Did he find me so odious he was stepping away? Was he scared of me? I said, “Give me a hug,” which he did. He followed me to the door. I opened the door into the night.

Upon exiting, he said, “I’m parked over there,” pointing in the opposite direction than my car. “I’m over there,” I said. “It was nice to meet you,” he said and turned to walk to his car.

It’s been a long time since a man didn’t offer to walk me to my car after dark.

So was this man without basic manners? Or was I expecting too much? I chocked it up to he wasn’t into me and was doing only the minimal of niceties. My male friends tell me that when a man is into a woman, he’ll put his hand out to take her coat when she reaches for it. He makes sure to open doors, and would always want just a few more minutes with her by walking her to her car to ensure she reached it safely. Heck, if he was into her, he’d say, “The coffee shop is closing. I’m enjoying our conversation. Would you like to continue over a bite to eat?”

However, when I arrived home he texted me that he enjoyed meeting me and liked our conversation. If he wasn’t interested, why would he text? It was a non-committal text that didn’t suggest another encounter. I responded to him that I liked our conversation, too, and he said he’d call me soon. I figured I’d never hear from him again.

Two days later, he texted then called. I said I was surprised to hear from him. He asked why, and I said I didn’t think he was interested in me. He sounded incredulous and asked why. I pointed out the not walking to my car and the tepid follow-up text. He said he could see me walking to my car and saw I was safe.

I learned from a wise person to make sure the other person knows of your efforts, as they won’t think you care if they don’t know. That’s not to say you should announce every nice thing you do for another, but make sure you say, “I filled up your gas tank” or “I made sure to get the brand of OJ you like” or “I hunted for two-toned flowers and finally found the ones you like.” (These are sort of lame examples, but I hope you get what I mean.)

So in dating, if you are attracted to someone you need to show it clearly, otherwise the person may not know.

What are your expectations of manners in dating? Do you give the other person a little slack on first meeting? Or do you think if s/he isn’t conscious of manners at the very beginning it won’t improve?

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Want more information on what to look for in a first date? Then get your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increase the Chance of a Second Date.

General wisdom is to take some time to be alone after any relationship ends.

The shorter the time in the relationship, the less time it takes to recover. I once heard that most people need 25%-50% of a relationship’s duration before being ready to have another relationship.

After talking for two weeks, a man disclosed that the reason he listed himself on a dating site is that his partner of 7 years died — two months ago.

My first reaction was, whoa — that’s way too soon to be dating. But in discussing his situation he seemed very grounded about it. And since grieving is unique to every person, it wasn’t up to me to decide what was right or proper for him.

He said her sudden death made him realize that life is short, not to take anything for granted, and that he didn’t want to languish in self-pity. He had honored her every day of their relationship so he doesn’t think dating now is in any way dishonoring her. She’d want him to move on in his life and be happy.

However, he knew he was currently not looking for a replacement relationship. He’d like companionship and someone to enjoy.

Generally, I’d shy away from pursuing anything with anyone in this situation as I wouldn’t want to be a rebound sweetie. That usually means heartache.

Have you dated a recent widow? What did you learn that you think would be useful to other daters? Are these recent mourners too wounded to try to establish a sustainable relationship? Or is companionship just what was needed?
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Want to know more about what you may encounter as you get back into dating? Download your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

When I decided to hang a picture recently, I wished I had a stud finder to ensure the nail went into wood instead of just plaster.

Then it hit me — wouldn’t it be great to have a similar tool when looking for a man! One that would guarantee hitting a solid man, not a flaky one. Can you imagine how much easier it would be when you walked into a bar or singles event with one of these devices? It would light up and sound off when a responsible, solid, upright man was found!

I thought I’d play with this theme when talking to a new man the other night. We’d emailed, texted and talked over the last 2 weeks. But our schedules haven’t lined up so we can actually rendezvous. From all indications thus far he seems mature, intelligent, articulate, down-to-earth, responsible, humble and a gentleman.

We were chitchatting, as one does when getting to know one another. I told him of my need to hang a picture and my lack of a stud finder. He told me how great they are; they light up and buzz when a stud is found. I playfully said, “Then I should bring one when we first meet so it will help me locate you.”

Without missing a beat, he said, “It will explode.”

I nearly fell off my chair laughing. This was so out of character to the humble man I had thought him to be. It wasn’t off putting, but instead delightful that he’d come back so quickly with such a funny comment.

So, ladies, let’s build our dream Human Stud Finder. I don’t mean “stud” in merely the sexual vein, although, of course, that’s important. What else would we build into this new tool to help us ferret out the qualities we want? I’ll get us going: honesty, caring, romance, intelligence, emotionally stable, financially sound, healthy, responsible.

In addition to other qualities, how do you imagine our invention would work? Should it have an “anti-stud” feature to alert us of those with less-than-quality values? Do we program it with what we’re looking for and have it scan the room for those with a high percentage of matches? And assuming men have whatever the equivalent would be, it would be easy to see who is a mutual match.

Now, perhaps we can get someone to program and build this to our specs. We’d make millions!

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Until the Human Stud Finder is invented, we are left to our own devices to determine if a man is a good fit for us or not. To help you with that, get your copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

We’d talked on the phone a few times but hadn’t met. It was early evening when we talked again and he said he’d love to take me to dinner that night. But he had a favor to ask: his Jag was in the shop so would I drive to his area for dinner?

He lived 45 minutes away in a newly gentrified part of a not-so-great area. It was already dark. I didn’t relish driving to his area after sunset.

When I said that, he scoffed, trying to cajole me. I wouldn’t budge. “I’m not driving there alone after dark.” He said he lived in a safe part of town. “But,” I responded, “I have to drive through a not-so-safe part to get to your part.” He got exasperated.

This wasn’t the first time a man had disregarded my concern for my safety. I hadn’t been able to articulate this before I listened to a recording from a seminar about men and women. The seminar leader asked how many men had been cognizant of their personal safety in the last month. No men’s hands raised. She then asked the women. Every hand raised.

In dating, women need to be conscious about creating safe environments for themselves. This is why we are advised to always meet a man in a public place for the first few dates, and to always drive in your own car until you’ve vetted the man. I’ve ignored this advice a few times and while nothing happened, it could have. In retrospect, I saw how stupid I was and how lucky I was that nothing happened.

We don’t want to be paranoid, yet if you are a trusting person, you give men that trust before they have earned it. I don’t even like a man to pick me up at my house on the second date. I’ve found too many see that as an invitation to more than I’d wanted.

Since many men don’t understand that they need to make sure the woman feels safe, look for the signs of his insensitivity. If while planning a date he chides you for insisting you drive yourself to the rendezvous site, he’s not the kind of conscientious man you want. If he tries to persuade you that he will “be good” or “a gentleman” when you say you’re not comfortable going to his house for a second-date dinner, he’s trying to manipulate you.

Be clear on what you need to feel safe. Think about it ahead of time so you can express yourself confidently and firmly. If he tries to negotiate what you state you need to feel comfortable, he’ll try to press your boundaries until he gets his way.

You don’t want to be paranoid, but few women have been sorry they’ve erred on the side of caution. The women who are regretful are the ones who ignored their inner voice screaming “this doesn’t feel comfortable” then allowing the man to lead them where they didn’t want to go.

You always want to be equipped to get yourself out of a situation that becomes uncomfortable. The challenge is that you may feel comfortable with a man on the first few dates so agree to things you know could be risky. You probably don’t know the man very well as you start dating. So he could be perfectly nice in public on the first few dates. But behind closed doors he could show a side that makes you uncomfortable. This is why it’s important to keep your dates to public places for a while. If he has controlling tendencies, they will begin to leak out soon enough.

Have you experienced men who try to convince you that your cautiousness is unfounded? How did you respond? Have you found yourself in situations that you realize could have ended badly? Any experiences that started innocently but caused you to extricate yourself because you didn’t feel safe?

_____________________

Want to clarify how your “king” will behave so you’ll notice it when he appears? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

A midlife friend recently broke up with his girlfriend of 10 years. The reason he broke up with her is after a lot of soul searching and couples counseling, it became clear they wanted different things.

When I asked how he was doing regarding this, he said he was using this as an impetus to reassess many things in his life.

“Like what?” I asked.

“Pretty much everything.”

“Give me some examples.”

“Work, living situation, exercise, diet, goals, love, relationships. I’m stepping back and looking at most elements of my life and asking if they are what I want. Am I doing my the best I can given certain parameters?”

“Wow, that’s a lot to assess.”

“Yes, it’s good.”

Breakups can be a time to examine many elements of your life and decide if each is what you want. As a result of this assessment, many people increase their exercise, change their diet, go back to school, take up new hobbies, modify their appearance and/or wardrobe, negotiate work duties, remodel their house or even move.

When my marriage dissolved I thought hard about if I wanted to continue living in my house and city. I seriously pondered getting in my car and visiting friends around the country who’d invited me. I could then experience many areas for possible relocation. Funds and lethargy prevented me from taking off on this adventure. But since I’ve visited so many areas of the country, I decided I was happy for now where I am.

After my last painful breakup, I was motivated to seek counseling to better understand the bad choices I was making about men. It has helped immensely.

What have you examined and changed after a breakup? Have breakups motivated you to modify important parts of your life.
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For more on post-breakup lessons, get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

When you’ve decided you don’t want further contact with someone, it’s easy to ignore their phone calls, IMs, texts or emails.

Perhaps you rise a level to at least send a “we’re not a match” email.

It’s hardest to actually tell the person face-to-face. However, if you’ve only had one encounter, it seems counter-productive to arrange a meeting just to tell the person you won’t be seeing them again.

So a phone call is in order. But what do you say? How do you phrase it to not focus on the other’s deal breakers? You don’t want to stoop to a level of name calling or pointing out the other’s bad breath, disheveled appearance, incessant cursing, bad manners or lusting after you. You want to do this task with class and leave the other’s dignity intact.

You procrastinate making the call because you don’t want an altercation and since you barely know the person, you have no idea how he’ll respond.

But you decide you must act consistent with how you’d like to be treated — respectfully — so you make the call.

This was the thought process I recently went through to decide how to tell Erotic-Dream-Guy he shouldn’t bother contacting me again. He’d called 4 times in the previous 3 days and I didn’t pick up because I was busy at the time. But I also didn’t call him back. I thought about our interactions and how I felt during and afterward. While he was funny, smart and knew many of the right things to say, he also chastised me for telling my truth, told me I was evasive when I thought I was being polite, and had made many blatant sexual remarks even after I told him I was uncomfortable with them. Generally, I felt disrespected which is intolerable for me.

So I dialed. I thought about what I would say and how to phrase it to be as non-blaming as possible. I didn’t want to lie with the common, “I’m taking a break from dating,” or “I’ve met someone else and we really hit it off.” Neither were true, and I’d heard these so often I know they are avoidance lines.

He answered and asked about my weekend. I told him it had been busy (which it had) and I knew he’d called a number of times. He said he’d like to see me again. I thanked him and continued, “Because you are a direct man, I’ll be direct with you. After our last conversation I determined that we want different things and we weren’t a match.” He said he was disappointed and respected my decision. He didn’t ask for clarification, so I didn’t elaborate. I thanked him for his interest and wished him good luck. He said thank you and we hung up.

If he’d become confrontational and said, “What do you mean we want different things” I was prepared with a comment that I know is nasty: “I want a respectful gentleman. You want to get laid.” Luckily, I didn’t have to stoop to this low-level comment. I don’t like myself when I become snarky.

It is much harder to tell someone personally, not in text, IM or email, that you don’t want further contact, but it is, I believe, the right way. Have I always made the effort? No. But I felt cowardly when I took the easy way out. Dating is hard enough when you have to deal with cowardly people along the way. I think we need to have the courage to do what we know is right and treat others respectfully, even when they have not always behaved that way toward you. Their bad behavior is no excuse for you to lower yourself to their level.

How have you respectfully told someone there is no need for further contact? What did you consider doing that you’re glad you didn’t?
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For more information on how to break off contact with grace, get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache

A new man started pursuing me and after a few calls shared how much he liked me. I had made no sexual innuendos nor teasing, so was taken aback when he said, “I want to make love to you.” I’ve heard this from a number of men and generally shake it off as they are lonely and horny and socially awkward reentering the dating world so don’t realize how off-putting that can be.

I’ve had others tell me before, during or immediately after a first date what they fantasize our doing together — and I don’t mean going to the movies! They have concocted their own movie of us in their head, one that would receive an x rating!

I gave the new man the benefit of a doubt and agreed to dinner as he had other positive attributes. He behaved himself throughout and didn’t get grabby during the parting hug.

However the next day he called to tell me how attracted he was to me, how he had trouble sleeping because he kept thinking of me, then recounting in detail his erotic dream of us. Too much information!

I’ve become flummoxed at this too-much-sex-talk-too-soon approach, but am wondering if I’m just naive. Does this really work to bed women? Are a sufficient number of women horny enough to say, “Hey baby, let’s make your dream a reality!”? Do women really find this kind of down-and-dirty talk appealing when they barely know the guy?

These men are successful, educated, articulate 50- and 60-year-olds. Are they so hungry for sex that they don’t know they are repelling the women they intend to attract? Or do they intend to attract women who are quick to jump in bed with anyone who invites them? Has midlife dating become filled with dirty old men?

Are there really only a few of us who appreciate a gentleman who treats us like a lady? I am not a prude — there is a time and place for randy talk — but before, during or right after a first date isn’t it for me. Perhaps I’m out of step with wanting to actually have a close connection with someone first.

I asked a savvy, intelligent gentleman about this and he said, “Successful guys are now aware that they are in high demand. They are being very blunt about what they want. And the fact is that real ladies are diminishing and fast chicks are multiplying. You are losing the battle. Most guys don’t know how to speak to a lady and society/technology is only making it worse.”

Sigh.

Another successful, educated business exec/lawyer and I have been communicating for a month because he’s currently on a long business trip. We haven’t been overtly flirting, just talking by IM, not even voice. Yesterday, he sent me a naked pic of himself, unsolicited. I didn’t know quite how to respond, so just said “thanks.” He wrote back an irate email saying I was hiding because I didn’t send back naked pics of myself.

A-huh.

It seems the hunt for gentlemen is like trying to find white tigers. We know they’re out there, but we have to keep weeding out the common ones.

What’s your opinion about sexually explicit talk before, during or immediately after a first date? How have you responded when someone goes “there” too soon?
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For more information on what goes on in a midlife man’s brain (or what doesn‘t go on there!), get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors.

When someone likes another, the “liker” wants a lot of contact with the “likee.” However, if the ardor isn’t equal, the likee can feel smothered.

Case in point: I’m getting to know a new guy, thus far only by phone. He calls several times a day. Recently, I called him back from an airport and he asked me to call him when I got home so he knew I’d arrived safely.

While I appreciate his concern for my safety, I haven’t had to check in with someone about my safe arrival since I lived with my parents. So I didn’t. He left two voice mails when he thought I’d gotten home. I returned them the next day, as this wasn’t important to me and felt like a chore, not something I relished.

When one hasn’t yet even met a person, I think one call a day is sufficient — and even that can be overkill. I’ve been drawn into extensive text and IM conversations with guys before I’ve met them and have learned it’s usually a time sink. Yes, it can be fun and flirtatious, but if there’s no chemistry when you meet, then it’s all for naught.

The challenge is to assert one’s needs for not-so-frequent contact without hurting the other. If I’m not yet comfortable saying it outright, then I wait to respond, rather than replying instantly. Although if the liker isn’t astute enough to understand that too-frequent communication can be off-putting, he is not likely to get the subtlety of tardy responses.

When I am the stalker, er, I mean liker, and make too-frequent contact, I surmise that less-than-quick responses mean to lay off. I may be misinterpreting this as perhaps the person has been unable to respond. So if he responds enthusiastically, and with “I’m so bummed I couldn’t respond immediately,” that quells the doubts. But without that feedback, I look for the subtleties.

Have you felt smothered by a potential sweetie? If so, what did you do to dial it back a bit?

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Want to understand more signs that tell you a lot about a man before even meeting? Get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.

No one likes it when someone they are dating “plays games,” which is a nebulous description of someone trying to manipulate the other. (We’re not talking Monopoly, Bridge, or tennis here!) But very few people can articulate what constitutes a game. (However, it is commonly agreed that if an “attached,” [e.g., non-single] person acts as if they are unattached, s/he is “playing games.” Or if when asked “are you seeing someone else?” they respond, “no,” meaning “not at this very exact moment as I’m with you and she’s at home.”)

Some people consider arbitrary rules to be game playing. For example, women who won’t call men under any circumstance, or pay for a meal, or have an x-dates-before-sex criteria.

So when does setting boundaries cross the line to becoming a game? For example, although I understand why men offer me their phone number before I offer mine, I prefer to have him make the first move. So I respond with my number and invite him to call. My experience is that if I give him my number and he doesn’t call, he’s not that interested or doesn’t have the initiative I’m looking for. If I call him first, I never get a sense for either of these.

I also don’t like to be on the phone after 10:00 especially for the first few calls. For example, an initial call from a new man came in at 7:30 p.m. No problem. We chatted for 30 minutes, then he said he needed to do a quick errand and would call back absolutely no later than 9:00. No problem.

So when his call came in at 10:00, I sent it directly to voice mail. Could I have answered? Sure. But, 1) he was an hour later than he’d promised, which is not a good sign and 2) 10:00 on a work night is too late unless one knows the other is a night owl or has an already established relationship. If I’d answered, I’d be sending the signal that he doesn’t have to honor his promises and I’ll accept his calls whenever he dials. Nope. Not going there.

Is that playing games? Some would consider it so. Others would say I was setting a boundary of honoring my own needs first. Is this selfish? I don’t think so. If you bend your boundaries at the beginning of a relationship, a man will never learn to honor the ones that are important to you.

Does this mean you should be rigid? Not necessarily. But I’ve found when I waive my own boundaries, I’m in for a heap of trouble. He never believes any of my stated boundaries because I didn’t stand up for them (and for what I wanted/needed).

So what do you think is a “game” vs. a boundary? Have you ever purposefully played games in midlife dating? What did you do and why? What boundaries have you bent and what were the results? What haven’t you waived and are glad you didn’t?

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For other topics to consider when you begin dating, get your copy for you (or someone you love!), of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

Good-looking men are nearly always alluring. Some ruin it, however, when you spend time with them. Their good looks have made them arrogant, vain, insensitive and/or jerks. They are used to women treating them well even if they behave badly.

In an episode of “30 Rock” Jon Hamm played a handsome doctor who Tina Fey’s character described as living in a bubble. People bent over backwards for him, but he thought that was how all people were treated. He had no idea that the generosity he experienced wasn’t commonplace.

Other men use their good looks to manipulate others. Some are con artists, exemplified memorably by Brad Pitt’s character in “Thelma and Louise.” Not only did he seduce Geena Davis’ character, but he took all her money afterward.

So it’s refreshing when a good-looking man doesn’t know he is. He’s not so stunningly gorgeous that women throw themselves after him. But he’s handsome enough that you are happy to be seen on his arm.

I had a few dates recently with a man who was incredulous when I told him he was handsome. I don’t think it was false modesty, but he didn’t have the experience of women fawning over him. His humility, of course, increased his attractiveness.

Handsome men who don’t know it are the best beaus. You don’t have to pretend you find him attractive, yet if he doesn’t see himself through your eyes he’s appreciative of your perspective. Instead of taking your compliments for granted, “Yes, I am good looking,” he humbly thanks you.

Have you dated a handsome man who didn’t know it? How was the experience?

______________________

To better define your next special man, get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

I would have never predicted that this would be a problem in dating. But it was — for a friend of mine.

She was dating a few guys casually. On the fourth date with one, he bought her a large flat screen computer monitor. When asked why, he told her, “Because you need it.”

He did not get it on sale or discount. He is not a wealthy man, but isn’t impoverished either. She had not mentioned she longed for a large monitor. He noticed her smaller one and went out and bought it.

Normally, we’d adore a man who saw something that would improve our lives and acted on it — even without our mentioning it. But since this was only their fourth date, it was too much too soon. Besides, she wasn’t really interested in continuing to see him. She had no intention of accepting such an expensive gift (nearly $1000), but what if she had, then broke it off with him soon after? Not good for either party.

Some women say, “Hey, a man feels good about taking care of a woman, buying her presents he knows she’ll appreciate. So what if she stops seeing him? He’ll have had the joy of knowing he’s made her happy.”

While it’s true most men like to make a woman they care about happy, it’s also true that they can feel taken advantage of. Many men have complained to me about women who just see them as a walking wallet. But is this scenario different since she didn’t ask for, nor even mention wanting, a larger monitor?

I think other-than-small gifts early in a relationship can be trouble. I’ve received many small gifts from men I’m starting to date, but nothing over $50. Some were items I appreciated; others were just something the man picked up thinking any woman would like it. I’m not just any woman, so I’m generally hard to buy for. But I always appreciated his thoughtfulness and effort.

Have you had a man give you an expensive gift too early in your relationship? What did you do and why?

Men: How would you have felt if a woman refused a gift from you early on? What if she kept it then broke up with you?

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Want to know more info on how to casually date more than one person at a time — with integrity? Get your copy of Multidating Responsibly: Play the Field Without Being A Player.

Sometimes we find ourselves thinking about someone we would have liked to date, but it never came to be. You wonder how it might have turned out. If he’s still single, you wonder if you should reconnect. Or if he’s now a pal, if we should telegraph our romantic interest.

A colleague and I found ourselves single during the same time frame. We enjoyed each other’s conversations, but there was never any move to go out. We shared dating stories and cheered each other on. He was always attentive and complimentary, but he never intimated that he felt other than pals.

A year ago he started dating a woman and became engaged. I was glad he’d found someone who adored him as much as he did her.

I saw him recently and updated him on my dating status. He asked how many men I’ve now gone out with. When I told him 105, he said he wishes he’d been in the mix.

I was surprised since I knew he was in love with his fiancée. I had no idea he would have liked to go out with me. We live several states apart, so it would have been hard to date seriously. But his comment did make me think of others I would have liked to have dated, to see if it would have worked out.

Do you daydream about men who got away? That you would have liked to have dated but it didn’t happen for whatever reason? If so, have you made contact to see what might evolve? Tell us your story.
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Want to understand more about midlife dating? Get an autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? for yourself or a loved one. Great for holiday gifts!

Since humankind began, people have been trying to improve their allure. Yet it seems elusive for many, even though some elements seem obvious:

• Attractive appearance. A willingness to consciously make yourself appealing to those you want to attract. I have no idea, then, why so many online profiles feature hideous pictures. And even with a reasonable picture, why men show up unkempt apparently not passing a mirror before leaving their house or office.

• Pleasant personality. Charm can trump physical attractiveness. Being complimentary and nice pulls someone to you much more than insults and meanness. Yet millions of people haven’t seemed to learn this basic concept.

Yesterday a midlife gal pal and I were comparing dating stories. We  shared what we’ve gleaned that men seem to be drawn to. We examined our own dating success and felt it boiled down to a few key areas.

• The men were lonely and happy to have any pleasant, reasonably attractive woman’s company. We both qualified with these basic qualities.

But beyond this, we felt there were other behaviors comprising appeal that apparently few women have figured out.

• Actively listening. This may seem like a “duh,” but the truth is, not many people are truly good listeners, gently asking relevant questions that show interest. Few people have a natural curiosity when it comes to others. Some who do, ask questions that are intrusive or combative, rather than in a gently caring way. Most people respond positively to another who takes a genuine interest in them.

By actively listening you can learn a lot about someone. After a few email interactions and a few hours in person, a man told me that I knew more about him than most of his friends. I think I listened better and seemed more interested in him than his friends.

In a recent exploratory conversation, a 55-year-old man told me that he’d returned to school to sharpen his skills since he was laid off two years ago. He’d created a summer-focused business and I asked how he supported himself through the winter. He said, “With student loans.” That was enough to tell me we were at different places in our lives and I wasn’t interested in progressing.

• Eye contact. Again, this should be common sense. But I now know that many midlife people feel invisible, marginalized by the lack of people noticing them other than those obligated to do so. If you focus on someone during a conversation that is such an unusual and exhilarating experience for some they are immediately drawn to you.

During the break in my presentation recently, a man came up and asked me a question. He was sort of geeky looking, overweight, and bespectacled. I doubted many woman gave him much attention. I held eye contact during our brief conversation. After my speech, he came up and asked if he could help me pack up and continued to talk with me. I think the eye contact made him feel that someone had noticed him and this was a warm, wonderful, and unusual experience.

So allure can be simple. One does not have to have stunningly good looks to be alluring. Simple sincere behaviors can make you more attractive.

What else would you add to this short list of alluring elements?

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Want to know other ways to be engaging as you begin to connect with someone new? Get your copy of First-Rate First Dates: Increase the Chance of a Second Date.

I’d deleted his contact info everywhere I could find it after he broke up with me via text 2 years ago. I was surprised to receive that text, as our 5-month relationship had been tumultuous, but I (wrongly) thought we were committed to working out our hiccups. Our last conversation two weeks later — via text because he refused to talk on the phone — didn’t go well. So I worked to heal the hurt and move on. We hadn’t had any contact since.

Last week my Yahoo email was compromised and apparently an email was sent to addresses that had ever gone through my account — including his. The malware email had no subject line and only a link in the body. Anyone who’s been on the Internet longer than a month knows this is a sign of a virus email and not to click the link.

The minute I saw the virus email cross my account, I hit “reply all” and a subject line of “My email has been compromised. Don’t open the last email.”

You guessed it. This paranoid, compulsively cautious, former law-enforcement officer opened the email with no subject or message from someone who hadn’t communicated with him in 2 years, and the last interaction was not good.

He clicked on the link. All sorts of bad things happened to his PC.

He felt compelled to write to me, blaming me for his stupidity, saying I should have deleted him from my address book (I had) and that I was to blame for his having to spend hours disinfecting his PC. And, he closed, “for both our sakes, delete me from your files.”

No problem. Good riddance.

Once a jerk, always a jerk.

Have you been surprised to receive contact from someone who you’d dated and it turned out badly? Tell us what happened.

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To read more about the vagaries of breaking up, get your copy of Moving On Gracefully: Break Up Without Heartache.

A DG reader shared that he learned his last girlfriend was currently married only after he proposed when she said she was pregnant.

It made me think of what else would be assuring to have someone prove before you got too involved. Of course, it would be considered rude to request the following — at least at the beginning — but it would certainly clarify any questions.

See what you’d add to this list:

• Driver’s license — I’ve only found out that one man gave me fictitious personal information, but I’ve sometimes wondered if a date was who he said he was. Or was the age he claimed, or lived where he stated. A quick look at his driver’s license would put at rest any doubts.

• Divorce decree — I’ve had married men tell me they weren’t when asked point blank. Honest people say they are separated when not divorced. Dishonest ones say they are divorced or widowed when they aren’t. Showing a divorce decree would prove their status — unless they’d gotten remarried in the interim.

• Credit score/tax returns/net worth statement — wouldn’t it be great if you could exchange documentation with your suitor to prove each other’s financial soundness? I’ve been drawn to people who, after investing months in a budding relationship, I learned are financially irresponsible.

Unfortunately, there’s not a document one can produce to show they aren’t a convicted felon, a cheater, or a pathological liar. I’ve dated the latter two and it took a while to figure out.

Of course, there is documentation that can show someone is STD free, but unfortunately few people ask to see it. If it comes up at all, people just say they are and the other accepts it. That’s just stupid. So even when documentation is possible, few ask for it.

What documents would you like to see — if there was actually a way to ask for it without being offensive — that would prove something about someone before you got too involved?
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Learn other things you should make sure you know before becoming too involved in the book, Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him?

I am a bit of a profession snob, tending to eschew men who I don’t feel have a similar job status. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true. I’ve tried dating blue collar men, and I’ve never found it worked well.

So you’ll be surprised to learn that I had a first date with someone on the other end of the career spectrum — a shepherd.

Where does one even find such a rarity? Online. No, there is not a ShepherdDatingCentral.com — although there is a site for dairy farmers in England.

He was a high-level manager in a high-profile company for 30 years before retirement. Which is when he took up shepherding. He’s educated, intelligent, articulate, cultured — he just happens to enjoy doing sheep herding and shearing demonstrations since it’s a bit of a dying art in the US.

He and I had been in contact for many months, emailing and talking on the phone, since we enjoyed each other’s conversation.

But as you can guess, he doesn’t live in a large city, as there is little call for shepherds there. So he lives in a remote part of the country, near which I was working recently. I told him of my upcoming visit and he said he’d drive the 2.5 hours to come meet me. I then shared that my dilemma was how to get from my client’s city to another remote town several hours from his, as a friend had invited me to visit her there. He offered to come fetch me (herd me?) and drive me — in a car, not running while being nipped at by his dogs — to her town, even though it would be a 5 hour drive from where I was working, and another 2 hours home for him.

He — and his two Border collies — arrived at the appointed time and we embarked on our adventure. He regaled me with stories of the gentleman shepherd’s life (he lives in a comfortable house on acreage where his sheep graze and he and the collies sleep inside, of course). I learned all I could hold about lambing, shearing, herding, tagging and selling sheep. Luckily, he had a broad range of conversation topics so we ebbed and flowed easily. The five hours passed quickly.

When I shared with a friend of his offering to drive me the five hours, she seemed incredulous that someone would do this for a stranger. I responded, “I have some allure.” Afterward she asked how it was. I told her it was fun and that he said it was the highlight of his month, she responded, “Must be a slow month.” Aren’t friends grand?

Will I see the shepherd again? We live too far apart to try to strike up a romance. If we are in each other’s neighborhood, we could have dinner. But he is much more of a mountain man than I am a mountain woman. While I enjoy the outdoors, I don’t relish camping and long hikes, nor am I fond of cold. So we will remain pals.

Have you dated someone in a profession that you thought you’d never consider? How did it work out?

___________________

Want to understand how to meet interesting men online? Get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

A reader wrote:

“I am overweight — not morbidly obese but overweight. I mention in my profile that I am a bit overweight. I have yet to progress from one initial email with anyone. I feel as if it is impossible to get a date with anyone when you are overweight — am I wrong? Should I not mention it and lie like everyone else? This is so frustrating.”

First, I’m glad you’re honest in your profile. I’ve met for coffee too many men who listed themselves as “athletic” or “average” when they were 80 pounds overweight. I think honesty is important.

However, you can safely say “a few extra pounds” in your profile and people know that means 10-30 pounds. If you say “big and beautiful” that usually means over 50 pounds extra.

The best way is to post a recent, full-length pic of you in something that is flattering. Many men have a shape they are attracted to, even if that shape has extra padding.

You ask if it’s impossible to get a date with anyone when you’re overweight. I am a living example that you can — in fact, men will not only go out with you, but will find you attractive and sexy. It’s not so much the pounds, but how you dress to play up your strengths and how you stand and walk. If you move with confidence, many will overlook some larger-than-normal curves.

If you don’t know how to do this, make an appointment with a personal shopper in a store that has your size clothing. Tell her you’re starting to date and buy one outfit in which you feel attractive. Also visit the makeup counter and tell the rep you want a new, updated look as you’re starting to date. Tell your hair stylist you want something that makes you look and feel cute and sexy.

Knowing that some men like larger women, join a site like www.bbwpersonalsplus.com or www.largeandlovely.com. You may be surprised by how much attention you get if you post attractive photos.

Don’t let extra pounds get in the way of your dating life. It hasn’t slowed me down and you don’t have to either.

What have you done to not let something you feel could be a liability get in the way of your dating life?

____________________

Need help realizing why you’d be attractive t a man? Get your copy of Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.

There are lulls in dating life when you have no active prospects. You’ve moved to the “friends” category anyone who’s contacted you in the past. No one interesting has appeared on the horizon.

For most daters, this is their most frequent experience, lingering, perhaps checking online sites for new arrivals. But either no one contacts us or returns our emails.

So we cool our jets, not giving up our desire to have someone special in our lives, but feeling we’ve done everything we’re willing to do for the time being. We know there are other activities in which we could engage if we were being aggressive in our search. But right now, singles dances and matchmakers feel like more work than we’d like.

We try to not drop into a defeatist mentality, succumbing to the oft-chanted mantra of others whose cynicism has taken over: “The good ones are all taken or gay,” “The only ones left in the dating pool are losers” (which, by definition, means we must be in that category since we’re still available).

If you find yourself in a lull, buck up. Enjoy your opportunity to be self-focused (or as much as you can if you have kids at home). You get to do whatever you want, without concerning yourself with anyone else’s feelings or desires. You get to eat in bed, wear your ratty night clothes, not shave your legs — if you want.

However, don’t let your self-absorbed habits become too engrained. Be mindful that you will want to repair your slovenliness once you have someone else in your life.

But for now, enjoy. Get to know yourself even better. Find out what you really like to do. See this time as a chance to spread your wings, unencumbered with concern for a partner.

What have you done during dry spells to keep your spirits up about finding a sweetie?

_____________________

Want more info on what to expect once you dive into dating? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping

I’d read data that said 50% of men listed on dating sites never get one contact from women.

Yet my experience is that men rarely respond to my being the one who makes the initial contact, or for the few who do, it’s nearly all “thanks but no thanks.”

So I decided to set up an experiment. Granted, it’s not very scientific, as I only posted one profile and set of pictures. Had I been more scientific, I would have posted various ones to see if it was my looks or writing that was alluring or repelling.

For the last 3 months, I’ve regularly emailed men I thought had some chance of being a match. The results are dismal.

I emailed 100 men, all within a 50-mile radius. I met their age, height, education and body-shape criteria.

Out of the 100 men, 47 looked at my profile, sometimes more than once.

Ten sent a “Thanks, but I’ve just started seeing someone and want to see if it works out” email. Has this become the new standard message for “We’re not a match”?

One struck up an email and phone conversation and we met for a drink. We were not a match.

So what’s up with this data? If men rarely receive contact from a women, why would 53% of them not even look at my profile? Were they already seeing someone but haven’t hidden or removed their profile? Too busy to even look at what someone sent them?

Ten percent had the decency to acknowledge my overture. I believe if someone has taken the time to reach out, I owe them at least a response. Obviously, that’s not a common feeling.

People ask me if I’ve been successful with online dating. I always say it depends on your definition of “success.” In this example, I had a 99% failure rate — 100% if you count the guy I met that wasn’t a match. Is that success? In the past, I’ve met nearly all my guys through dating sites. Some have become beaus. Most were one-meeting only encounters. Is that success?

My feeling is I would have gone out with many fewer men if I depended on the “natural” way of meeting in a class, at a coffee shop, or through friends. These methods have resulted in nearly no dates. So online dating has allowed me to meet many more men, with some working out at least for a while.

So what’s a woman to do who wants to be proactive rather than wait for a man who interests her to make contact? I will still email interesting men, just not as diligently now knowing the odds. It is frustrating to realize that men still like to initiate, yet my experience reflects that with nearly all of my beaus being the first contacters.

Gals, what’s your experience with being the initiator online? Did you have good luck with that? Men, how do you feel about women who contact you? Are you flattered or is it a turn off?
___________________

I’ve just learned that Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 is one of the few blogs read by bestselling author Gina Barreca. She lists http://www.DatingGoddess.com in her recent article, “Everybody Blogs.”

If you want more info on what to expect from online dating, get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

I like to think of myself as a generally positive person, but I have my pet peeves. Self-absorption is one of them, although I’m guessing I can act in ways that seem self-centered to others.

Over the last few years, I’ve noticed others acting in ways that seem narcissistic. The visitors to the church next to my house who park extending two feet into my driveway. The woman at exercise class who put her bag on top of mine along the wall, meaning I would have to move it when I needed to get my weights out, when there was plenty of other space available for her to put her bag.

However, it’s in the dating world that this self-focus can be glaring. In the span of a week, two men who have shown interest in me have committed what I consider egregious acts of selfish behaviors.

Last week I hosted a small pot luck dinner party. Potential suitor #1 called a few days before to RSVP and asked what he could bring that didn’t require cooking, since he doesn’t cook. I suggested he bring a few bottles of wine, explaining no one else had volunteered that. He thought that was a superb idea and said he’d see me two days hence.

The appointed gathering time came and went. The other guests arrived with their contribution One brought a bottle of wine. After waiting an hour, we decided to eat without Suitor #1. I checked my cell phone numerous times thinking he would call to explain his absence. He never did. Not that evening, the next day, nor yet.

I scratch my head wondering how could someone who knew they had a key component to a small collaborative dinner party fail to arrive, and then to not even call to explain himself. Might he have had some emergency? I am tempted to call, but think he would have reached out if this were so. If/when he ever does call, I have my first words ready: “I’m glad you’re out of the coma, as that’s the only acceptable explanation for your not showing up for a small soiree to which you knew you were bringing a key component.” I doubt he’ll call back after that.

Today, another example occurred. Potential Suitor #2 and I have met several times and speak regularly even though we live 1000 miles apart. He’s flown to visit me a few times. On an upcoming trip, I was going to be changing planes in his city, so before I booked the ticket I called and asked if he wanted to rendezvous and if so, I’d arrange for a very early flight into his city, and a later-than-needed flight to my destination. He thought that was great, telling me he knew the perfect restaurant where we could linger for hours and enjoy each other’s company.

I sent him my itinerary with flight information.

I texted him when my flight landed telling him I’d arrived. Nothing back. I called when I exited the secure area. Voice mail. I texted again, nothing. Called again. Voice mail. I waited 30 minutes and tried again. I decided he forgot or changed his plans and forgot to tell me. I entered the long security line and headed toward the gates. I had 4.5 hours to kill.

Two hours after our appointed meeting time he called. He had forgotten. He apologized profusely and said he’d be right out to the airport, a 30-minute drive. I said I was very upset, as I’d gotten up at 4:00 to take the earlier flight when I could have taken a later one. I’d been waiting for him for 2 hours. He shouldn’t bother coming as I wasn’t in the mood. He said he understood why I was upset and apologized again. We hung up.

We all make mistakes. We forget. We’re not as organized as we should be and something slips. I’m willing to forgive if it happens once in a blue moon, but only if the person has some deposits in their Bank of Grace. Both these men had made promises in the past they hadn’t kept. Usually that’s enough for me to cut ties. They are both intelligent, articulate, fun, and good conversationalists. I gave them grace in the past. But these transgressions are the nails in the coffin.

We all know that someone’s behavior screams the kind of person they are. Yet if we like them, we allow them grace, which can be kind. However, if their self-absorption happens way too often, no matter how interesting they are, we have to respect ourselves enough to not let their less-than-thoughtful behavior stand. We have to cut the ties or they will continue, as it’s doubtful their behavior will change.

__________________

To see what other head-scratchers you may encounter, get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors.

Have you ever daydreamed about an old sweetheart from decades ago? What’s he up to now? Is he single? What’s he look like? If you connected, would the spark still be there?

My cousin reconnected with his high school love during their 40th reunion. They had remained close after they broke up in high school, even being in the wedding party for each other’s first marriages! They had lost touch and hit it off again instantly at the reunion. Both were single again. She said she’d love to keep in touch, so he called the next week. The 10-hour drive didn’t keep them apart. He began to woo her and a year later, they were married.

Years ago, when I was married, I got a call from a man I lived with for a year right out of college. He sounded just as stoned as he generally was when we were together, but he was 40 when he called, divorced and with a child. I had no interest in seeing him again.

I also heard from a college sweetheart about a decade ago. He is 8 years older than me, but when he sent his picture, I didn’t recognize him. He looked so old! Solid gray hair and beard, significant weight gain. I wondered what he’d think of how his 21-year-old love had turned out.

A man I had a crush on in high school recently looked at my profile on Match.com. He’s still good looking and has a successful business. I waited a few days and since he didn’t connect, I sent him a friendly, “let’s catch up” email. He responded, but no overture to get together. He’s looked at my profile several times since, but I won’t be initiating contact again. I remember him as a good guy with an easy smile. I am curious to see if he has the same solid character he did as a teenager.

Have you considered rekindling a relationship with a high school or college sweetie? Have you ever actually met with someone you went with then? If so, what happened?

________________

Get your autographed copy of Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? Order yours today!

A long-time reader asked me to address a sensitive, yet not uncommon midlife dating issue — middle-aged sex and erectile dysfunction.

He asks, “How do you handle an attempt at sex that doesn’t work? How do you decide if this is a man you want to continue to see or is this a red flag?”

Can we talk? We are adults so we’re going to use adult words.

There is lots written about Viagra and ED, but what I’ve read is mostly written for long-time partners where there is a strong bond and, one would hope, a willingness to discuss this sort of thing and find a solution that works for both parties.

However, in dating, even after dating a while, there may not be that bond. Which then complicates the matter.

Men, in my experience, equate their masculinity to their ability to satisfy their woman in bed. (Or at least to do what he thinks satisfies his woman, whether it actually does or not.) In fact, some women feel similarly — if a man can’t satisfy her in bed, he’s not fully a man, even if he takes care of the family financially, contributes equally to family chores, is active in family activities, and otherwise shows he’s an emotionally mature partner.

So a man’s ability to perform in bed takes on enormous weight — sometimes for both partners.

If he has some instances of ED there is more pressure. He knows he may not be able to get or keep an erection. He feels like a failure. He may blame the woman for not being sexy enough, or for not trying to arouse him, even though she has done her “job” in these areas previously. A beau broke up with me soon after his inability to perform. I got the impression he blamed me for this, even though I tried to be supportive.

So they go in search of the magic pill — this time a blue one. They think this will suddenly make him an unquenchable sex machine. After all the commercials say something about erections lasting more than 4 hours — “Think of all the fun we could have in 4 hours!” one or both of them fanaticize.

What they don’t know is that the blue pill works with some men and not others. A former beau told me he had ED and so we tried Viagra. Didn’t work. My beau felt like a horrible failure. It really affected his self-esteem.

Also, it’s expensive. The aforementioned DG reader said he bought a 10-pill prescription for $220! So it’s the price of a movie for the two of you. Not too bad, unless your $22 habit is every day and you are out of a job right now.

Both parties seem to expect miracles. One or both of them think he just pops it and within minutes he has his 19-year-old libido back. Well, it doesn’t increase desire. It doesn’t cause an erection. All it does is allow more blood to flow into the penis, but a man still needs to feel aroused. In many cases Viagra is needed simply because there has been vascular damage and blood flow is diminished.

Some men wonder if a women might think if he needs Viagra to have sex, he isn’t attracted to her. If a woman is astute, she understands the biology of the situation. If she isn’t, she may take it personally and feel he’s not into her enough for her to arouse him without the aid.

So what to do if you’re dating someone who isn’t able to perform? If you are connected enough to attempt the horizontal tango, you should be connected enough to talk about it sensitively and supportively. Tell him you know this is uncomfortable for most men and you wouldn’t mind at all experimenting with some pharmaceutical aid. If appropriate, offer to split the cost, although be careful as some men will find that adding insult to injury. So know your man before offering and don’t if you think he’ll be even more humiliated.

This would also be a great time to bring up your own needs, if you haven’t yet. Midlife women often need help to either get in the mood or make the experience more satisfying. Speak up so he knows he’s not the only one who could use some other aids.

This discussion will most likely bring you closer together. If it doesn’t and he gets defensive or goes poof, oh well. You’ve saved yourself from further involvement with a man who’s not emotionally mature enough to talk about solutions to issues around aging. You don’t want to spend another nanosecond of your precious time with someone like that.

Have you been in a relationship where ED was present? How did you and your partner discuss and deal with it? What worked and what didn’t?

__________________

Want to know what else you should know before venturing into midlife sex? Get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

Weeks ago my friend mentioned his brother was coming into town for a few days to celebrate my friend’s birthday. My pal said he’d like his brother to meet me. “You’ll like him” he declared. Since I like my pal a lot, I thought if his brother is like him, yes I would enjoy that.

The weeks passed without further mention of this – no invitation to join them on any outing; no set time to rendezvous.

A few evenings ago, I heard my friend’s familiar doorbell ring pattern beckoning me to answer. There he was, with said brother, saying they’d just gone to the market and did I want to come over for dinner. Normally, I’d jump at an offer for someone else’s cooking, but I’d just taken my week’s dinners off the grill. Since I had abundance, I offered for them to join me for dinner.

The brother was shorter than me, lived an 8-hour drive away and immediately began calling me “Sweetie,” something I deplore as a sooner-than-earned privilege. I endured his turning the conversation back to himself throughout dinner, and in the course of the discussion, learned he was single. They invited me to join them the next day, along with my friend’s girlfriend, for the birthday dinner, saying how much fun I’d have and how they’d love to have me there.

Now the brother’s occasional flirts began to make sense! My friend was trying to fix us up!

It felt like in college, coupled friends suggested I go along with them and a guy friend of theirs to an outing. It wasn’t as if they thought we’d be a good match; just someone to entertain their pal so they wouldn’t feel awkward being a couple with him. Rarely did these events go well. Generally, they were excruciating. I put up with someone either too shy to be engaging, clearly disinterested in getting to know me despite my trys to start conversations, or too aggressively horny to keep his hands to himself.

So I declined the brother’s invitation for the next day. I wondered if I was being selfish to not want to share in my friend’s birthday activities. But then I thought, if it were important to him for me to be there, he would have asked beforehand.

Have you been fixed up by a friend? How did it go?

_____________________

My recent interview with Speeddate.com is now available for reading.

Hi Dating Goddess,

I’m dating someone I’m very attracted to, and we have lots of good chemistry on a variety of levels. The only issue I feel the need to question is the way she kisses.

When I move in close to kiss her, she appears to retreat within herself and becomes passively accepting. She barely moves a muscle to kiss me back, so I feel like I’m kissing someone who is asleep. I’ve tried kissing her all kinds of ways — soft & hard, lips & tongue, dry & wet, shallow & deep, high & low, short & long, and yet she just doesn’t reciprocate. She’s otherwise a very sensitive and sensual person, and she says that connection and intimacy are important to her. She says she quite likes me and that she’s turned on when we kiss.

I had a therapist once who said this kind of behavior could be indicative of some kind of previous sexual abuse, so I wonder if that could be something. We haven’t been dating long, so it’s entirely possible she hasn’t told me of some traumatic experience in her past. Or maybe she’s just shy or just doesn’t like the way I kiss.

Equal participation and reciprocation is important to me in all areas of a relationship, and I feel that passive kissing is generally a bad sign that a person is not assertive enough to handle their side of the equation. It may be too early to have that discussion with her, but it’s the backdrop of why this is important to me.

I want to address this passive kissing before we go much further. I’m able to bring up “difficult” topics, I just don’t know how to approach this one. My first guess says be straight-forward and positive, “I enjoy kissing you, and I would love it if you kissed me back.” But that sounds kinda blunt.

Another approach is potentially invasive, “I notice that when I kiss you, you seem to freeze up. I’m wondering where you go when that happens and what your thoughts are.”

Any advice greatly appreciated, thanks!

William

Hi William:

How about starting just a tad softer with something like, “I love the sensuality of kissing and get quite turned on when my woman also seems to enjoy it. What’s your perspective on kissing?” Then you’re inviting her to share. You can even say, “What kind of kissing do you like?”

I’ve dated men who’s kisses didn’t turn me on or that actually turned me off. I said to one man overtly, “Let me show you how I like to be kissed.” That lasted a little while, but then we stopped seeing each other, but it wasn’t only about kissing.

So if you like her and feel it’s worth the effort, open the conversation!

DG

Readers, what advice do you have for William?

______________________

For more info on dealing with challenging difficult dating situations, get your copy of Ironing Out Dating Wrinkles: Work Through Challenges Without Getting Steamed.

A recent article shared conclusions from researchers at UC Berkeley’s School of Information. The paper “Self-presentation and Deception in Online Dating” found pretty much what we’ve known all along. For example:

• Men are more likely to make the first move, sending that first “wink” or email. They’re quicker to respond to women’s queries.
• Women responded to only 16 percent of messages, and they take longer to respond.
• Both genders seek partners similar to themselves in age, education, height, religion, politics and views about smoking.
• Women are less open-minded, at least regarding ethnicity. They’re twice as likely as men to specify that they’re seeking someone of their own ethnicity.
• Both sexes tell white lies. Men say they are a half-inch taller. Women shave five pounds off their weight.
• Women’s profiles related more to home, sex and emotions; men’s profiles talked about work.
• A photograph is the dominant predictor of whether men will connect. Women value narratives in profiles in addition to pictures.

Some of this information was garnered by content analysis of people’s actual online behavior. They tracked people’s actions (who initiated contact, how long it took to respond, words in profiles). But they must have interviewed daters to get the info on what was attractive in a profile, their true height and how much they really weighed.

In another study reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, published by a team from Harvard Business School, Boston University and MIT, the conclusion was that less is more in how much is shared in a profile. Their reasoning: when a lot of information is exchanged, more differences are exposed and there is less attraction.

Now this conclusion I found interesting. I am not drawn to men who say nearly nothing in their profiles. I want to know what’s important to them.It is true that some of them disclose things that prompt an immediate delete but I think that is good that I don’t waste time on people who share something I find repelling. I share a lot in my profile, even though I know most men don’t read much of a woman’s profile. I want those who do to know as much about me as can be shared in a written essay.

What do you think of these two studies? Anything here but common sense?
__________________

Want information on how to be successful with online dating? Get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

In midlife dating, we repeatedly hear, “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.” At this point in our lives most of us have wrinkles, sags and perhaps even some scars or skin discolerations. Yet it takes a lot, usually, to look beyond the surface image.

So what do you do when someone has a facial feature that absorbs much of your attention? How do you see the person who lies beneath?

I recently had the opportunity to share a small-group dinner table conversation with a man who deals with this every day.

Ngahi Bidois

Ngahi Bidois is a New Zealand Maori motivational speaker. His face is mostly covered with an intricate traditional Maori  tattoo called ta moko.

At first, I found myself stealing glances not wanting to stare. But in a small group, I could look closely at the pattern while he conversed with others. However, I noticed how quickly my fascination with his facial tattoo waned and soon I began to focus on his expressive and soft brown eyes and engaging smile. His spirit, heart, humor and intelligence emerged delightfully. In no time, I found I didn’t even notice the inked design.

In “Yummy is as yummy does” I talk about how a man’s attractiveness increases as his kindness, thoughtfulness, humor and caring emerge. He may not be traditionally handsome, but becomes yummier as a special personality is revealed. Yet, most of us don’t have to put this concept to the test as frequently as Ngahi does.

Sometimes I can remember to look beyond the surface, but I admit I also fall prey to deleting online profiles of men who sound good when reading their description, but their pictures aren’t “my type.” It’s a common complaint that daters don’t give others a chance if they don’t look appealing. It’s also a common fear that when you meet someone for that first coffee encounter, they will turn on their heel without even saying hello once they see you.

Ngahi is a great reminder of how we can miss out on a treasure if we make too-quick decisions based on only surface signs. By the end of dinner, I was marveling at how handsome he was. (He’s married, so not a potential date, but the lesson is still a good one.)

____________________

To better understand how dating midlife men is different, get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors.

On our first date, as we walked to his car, he said, “I’ll open the door for you, but don’t get used to this.”

I asked why.

“Because I don’t usually open the door for women. In six months, I will have stopped and you’ll think something is wrong. Nothing’s wrong. It’s just not my habit to open the door for a woman. And I’m too old to develop new habits.”

“I know from our conversations that you are a man who strives for personal continuous improvement. So if you were really into a woman and your opening the door for her was important to her, I bet you’d work to make that a habit.”

“That’s true” he admitted. “But I’ve learned not to over promise on things that just aren’t in my nature to keep up over time. It creates expectations that I’m not likely to meet. And that creates disappointment.”

“That makes sense. You don’t want to pretend to be someone you’re not.”

“Exactly. For example, I’ve learned to give only a 10-minute massage. I used to give an hour, but then the woman would expect an hour’s massage each time. I can do 10 minutes frequently, but I can’t do an hour.”

I appreciated his candor, even though I also appreciate chivalry. It made me wonder about what each of us does early on in a relationship that is for show — to ingratiate ourselves to the other. I looked back on my own behaviors to see how I can be different in the early stages of a relationship than after we’ve been together a while.

In all honesty, I think I’ve been nicer in the early stages, not saying when something bothered me. I don’t know if it was insecurity that the guy might not like me, or just feeling that it wasn’t polite to say something. Now I’m more confident and more assertive. I don’t put up with the BS I used to.

What have you observed yourself doing — or not doing — that you changed as you got to know someone? Have you purposefully learned to not try to be someone you’re not when you know you’ll revert to your true self in short order? Have you experienced someone who put on behaviors at first, but then dropped them as you got to know each other?

___________________

Want to know more about what to expect when reentering the dating pool? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

“I will only date a woman who video chats” my tech-savvy friend declared.

“What if she is like me, and doesn’t video chat because no one looks good webcasting?”

“It would take a lot for me to want to start dating a woman who doesn’t do video.”

“Some of us are too vain!”

“Let me ask you this: would video chatting have prevented you from wasting a lot of time talking to men who, when you met them, looked nothing like their pictures?”

“Of course. There are those who post only pictures from decades ago.”

“And when you met them, didn’t you wonder about their judgment to post decades-old pics, but not recent ones, thinking they still looked like that?”

“Absolutely!”

“Did any of those men who didn’t match their pics ever make it beyond a coffee date?”

“No.”

“There you have it!”

“However, I will also say I’ve eliminated men who one-way video chatted with me because they let their hair down, so to speak. Maybe I was being too picky.”

“Or maybe you were saving yourself several hours of meeting someone who would go nowhere.”

“But no one looks good on video chat! The lighting is bad, the angle is bad. I don’t want to have to do my hair and makeup every time someone wants to video chat!”

“But look at the time it would save you from meeting up with men who aren’t appealing!”

I guess my friend is right. But I’m still not keen on suggesting it. I’ve had men ask me if I’ll video chat and I’ve always declined. Some of them have chatted one way, which is a little odd. It’s not too bad if you’ve already met and have an idea of what they look like in person.

What do you think about video chatting before meeting? Good idea or bad?
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For more info on ways to determine if you should meet, get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates,

Bulging biceps. Chiseled pecs. Taut tushes.

The gym is part of their daily regimen.

They look great in — or out of — their clothes.

I describe these guys as”hunkalicious.”

Sometimes the only muscles they’ve developed are below the neck. Holding an extended conversation about anything of intellectual value is a challenge.

But sometimes they have the whole package. Buff and brainy. Fit and funny. Athletic and articulate.

This was the description of #103 who I met a few days ago. He is a refreshing mix of uncommon characteristics. I was initially drawn to him because of his online pictures, and his profile revealed a well-spoken man. I was pleased that the man in person was thoughtful, respectful and easy going.

I, too, have stereotyped buff men. I’ve thought they wouldn’t be interested in me because I’m not buff and wouldn’t want to spend a lot of time in the gym, although I do exercise.

I’m actually glad to find out I’m wrong in those assumptions.

What assumptions have you made about men’s values, priorities and intellectual capacity based on their rippling muscles?

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Explore what you’d like in your next mate in the book In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

• Three dates.

• One month.

• Ten dates.

• Three months.

I’ve heard all these as people’s criteria for when to first get intimate with a new love.

A pal recently shared that he has been taken aback by some women’s arbitrary time line for intimacy. He once dated a woman who, on their 4-month anniversary, announced it was time for them to have sex — that night! They did. He said it felt mechanical because they hadn’t built the emotional connection that he sought to make it fulfilling.

Do you have such a time line? Or do you just have certain parameters, like “never on a first date,” or “whenever it feels right”?

I don’t have suggestions for when you “should” get naked with your sweetie for the first time. I’ve learned I need to feel a significant emotional connection, not just a physical one. And I need to trust that he won’t just disappear afterwards — not that there needs to be a spoken commitment. A pledge of exclusivity is important, although I’ve had that with a past beau and he still cheated on me.

The important thing is for you to know what you need to proceed to this step in the relationship. An arbitrary time line isn’t usually enough. You could date someone for months and still not have the emotional connection you feel you need. However, I would be skeptical if you say you have a significant enough emotional connection after just a week or so. That’s usually the brain’s chemicals tricking you into thinking you have more than is likely after such a short time. So even if you feel that you are soul mates by the end of week two, an arbitrary wait period of, say a month, then would be wise. A lot can happen in those ensuing two weeks.

Some experts suggest 3 months is long enough for a man to show his true self and for you to see him without his best wooing self put forward. My experience corroborates this. Usually by 90 days, the chinks in his armor begin to show and you can see if you can live with those or not. So before you’ve gotten physically entwined, you have a better sense of the man. Because once you share horizontal happiness, the relationship usually shifts dramatically. As the aforementioned pal expressed, “The flood gates of expectations open and a man can drown in what rushes forth unabated.”

Yes, we women generally do have expectations once whoopee has been made. That is if we didn’t perceive the encounter as just a fling. So we need to see that the man is someone we’re interested in being with and he’s shown he’s interested in being with us.

So examine your own criteria. Ask yourself why you have determined that you would be ready to have sex at a certain point. You may stick to those boundaries, or you may decide they are really just arbitrary. If the latter, make a list of what you need to feel comfortable before becoming intimate.
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To explore more things to consider before having sex with someone you’re dating, get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.

The doctor in my exercise class is always off a beat. He enthusiastically flails his arms and legs — if occasionally in time with music it is by mere accident. I wonder how it would be to be coupled with a highly intelligent man who had no rhythm and no consciousness that his body is moving very differently than our instructor.

We all have an idea of our perfect mate. Perhaps he’s artistic, articulate, rational, a great dancer, musically adept, introspective, appreciative of nature, and a great communicator.

If you want all of the above, good luck. As they represent competency in each of the 8 intelligences Harold Gardner presented in his 1983 theory on multiple intelligences.

• Spatial
• Linguistic
• Logical-mathematical
• Kinesthetic
• Musical
• Interpersonal
• Intrapersonal
• Naturalist

You say, “But the description above is just of well-rounded person. Nothing really grandiose.” Perhaps. It depends on the level of proficiency you desire in each of the intelligences. If you want someone with a 10 in each, you are living in a fantasy.

Most of us have one dominant intelligence, according to Gardner’s hypothesis. Or perhaps two. You may be average at a few. And one or more that just aren’t a strength.

Take a stab at rating yourself on a 1-10 scale on each of the intelligences listed above. If you are a concert pianist, you would be a 10 in the musical intelligence. A Ph.D. in mathematics, no doubt a 10 in logical/mathematical. An architect — spatial. (More examples at Wikipedia.)

For example, I’d give myself an 8 or 9 for linguistic since I’m a writer and speaker. I’d give myself a 6 at kinesthetic since I’m a reasonable dancer, but would never qualify for “So You Think You Can Dance.”

After you’ve subjectively rated yourself, now rate your ideal mate in these 8 areas. If you’re an 8 on kinesthetic, would you be willing to couple with a 3? If you’re a 4 in logical/mathematical would you see yourself with a 9?

Of course, you can fall in love with someone who has polar opposite natural skill sets. In fact, some schools teach to all 8 intelligences to get kids to improve their appreciation of each, and perhaps their skill level. So if you have two left feet, will you ever be an exceptional dancer? Probably not. But if you continue to develop your skills you will at least be better — and your 8-level kinesthetic partner will enjoy your dance outings even more.

Appreciate not only your various intelligences as well as your date’s. However, know which ones you require and which ones you can live with if he’s not as good as you.

But if your partner insists that you engage in activities that come naturally to him and are hard and thus not enjoyable to you, best to communicate that you won’t be joining him in that activity. If he insists, that’s a sign it’s time to put your foot down — or out the door.

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Want to explore more about the make up of your next mate? Get your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne? today!

When you think of Peanuts’ Lucy and the football, you see a comic strip series where Charlie Brown, the ever hopeful and trusting soul, believes Lucy when she tells him — once again — that she’ll hold the ball for him to kick. Every time — for decades — she pulls the ball away at the last minute, causing Charlie to land hard on his backside. No matter how much she’s promised him she won’t, she does.

In dating, I’m surprised by how many men think it’s perfectly okay to pull out the football in many ways. It can be as simple as he says he’ll call on a certain day and he doesn’t. While you might not sit by the phone waiting (as you may have when younger), if you have any connection with him you look forward to the call.

But it doesn’t come. He may (or may not) text or call later, saying he got tied up. This may (or may not) be accompanied by an apology.

Or he tells you he’ll meet you at 7:00 and 7:15 comes and goes with no notification of his lateness. He may appear (or not) and explain it away (or not). He may apologize, but often there is no mention of his tardiness, let alone an apology.

Perhaps he suggests hanging out together this Saturday. He says he’ll call you Saturday morning to confirm. When you don’t hear from him by noon, you call him so you can determine your afternoon’s schedule. “Oh,” he tells you, “a friend called and we’re going motorcycle riding for the day.”

Yes, all these examples are of rude, thoughtless, self-centered behaviors. But can so many men be so inconsiderate?

A male pal explained that when a man says, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow” he’s not so much making a commitment, but more expressing a possibility. I, and many of the people with whom I pal around, believe your word is your bond. You don’t say you’re going to do something and then not do it unless you communicate and renegotiate with the person to whom you’ve committed.

I know in today’s society this is a rarity.

For those of us who expect someone to follow through with what they say, we behave as if the promise will come through. So if a man invites me to dinner, I’ll determine what I’m going to wear and make sure it’s clean and pressed. I’ll plan my chores to make sure I have the evening free with no pressing duties to distract me. I’ll wash and curl or straighten my hair so it looks and smells good. While not obsessing, I imagine how much fun it is to be with him and perhaps think of some topics I want to share.

Then, boom, the call half-hour before I’m to leave, telling me he’s tied up and has to reschedule. The football was pulled out just as I was beginning to kick it.

While we can all occasionally have unexpected situations occur that make us need to reschedule our social calendar, if it happens more than once in a short time, I see it as his 1) lack of respect for me, 2) inability to manage his life, 3) belief that this is an okay way to treat people and/or 4) absence of real interest in me.

I’ve let men with whom I’ve been smitten  pull the ball out numerous times. I gave them too much grace. And it hurt more than my tush. Now, I look for the signs much more quickly. If, on the second occurrence I state my displeasure and he responds that I should be more flexible or spontaneous, I know that he and I have very different values.

Then I take my football to play with someone who respects the players and follows the same rules of good sportsmanship.

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What else should you look for as you start to date again? Get more information in Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

With apologies to Queen (but without the violence of their song), I share that another one bites the dust. Number 102. The result of my latest foray into Match.com.

After a few email exchanges, we talked for an hour and I mentioned the next evening I was going to a public street fair within walking distance of my house. He said, “I may go to that and look for you.” Uh huh. Great way to set up something certain, as 30,000 people attend this event.

He called me from the event and asked if I was there yet. I said I was leaving in 15 minutes. He said he’d “look for me.” Right. In a crowd of thousands you’re going to find someone you’ve never met. I didn’t press for a more certain location, as I figured he must not be too interested if he didn’t want to set a specific spot.

Ten minutes later he called to say he was in a nice bar and had a table. Finally, some certainty! A plan! What a concept. I said I’d be there in a few minutes.

He was smart, tall, educated and successful. But I’m afraid we just didn’t have enough in common. In fact, we are polar opposites politically, not that I don’t enjoy a spirited discussion. But I’m not fond of arguments that aren’t likely to yield either of us changing our opinions.

He wasn’t odious or disrespectful and even bought me a glass of wine. But his regular interjection of curse words and his repeating himself grew tiring. He did ask me a few questions, and I interjected my thoughts when he didn’t.

The drink evolved to a light dinner at an inexpensive ethnic restaurant down the street. When the bill came, I got out my wallet, as my male buddies have coached me to do on a first encounter. He said my share was $14. OK. That’s usually a screaming sign that there’s no interest in a repeat rendezvous.

We walked back to where our destinations required a split. He hugged me and said, “Talk to you soon.” Which generally means, “Have a nice life.” Which is okay, as I wasn’t really feeling it either.

One of the hardest things about midlife dating is keeping your optimism in the face of a number of going-nowhere encounters. The interaction isn’t horrible, it’s just not great. Ambivalence. It’s the all-too-common reality of this exercise. So I keep my hopes up and respond to the next man knocking on my in-box.

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One of the benefits of online dating is it allows you to get to know several people concurrently and not be considered a two-timer. Learn how to ethically go out with several people in Multidating Responsibly: Play the Field Without Being A Player.

After one has been dating for a while, the excitement and novelty of meeting new people wears off. Couple that with too many one-time-only encounters, and you become more guarded with your time and emotions.

At least I know this is true for me, and I’m guessing it is for others who have been searching for their next mate for years.

I’ve slowed down considerably my dating activities. The last new man I went out with was 8 months ago. And while we became fast friends, I know it will never advance beyond that. He’s got some deal breakers that are insurmountable for me and he knows it. So we enjoy a bi-weekly chat, but it’s become an unpaid mutual business coaching session.

I’d pulled back on my online dating activities, as I was getting too many men contacting me who were geographically, economically, educationally, or emotionally not a match. So it was with mixed emotions that I decided to rejoin Match.com this week.

Over a year ago I canceled my subscription because the same faces were appearing over again and I had already either ruled them out, had contacted them to no response, or met them and felt no connection. I felt I’d exhausted that pool.

So why did I rejoin? Match.com merged with Yahoo Personals so  thought there may be some new possibilities. I searched for local men in my age range and hundreds of new faces emerged. After reactivating my profile, I immediately got a handful of contacts. So I renewed. I then searched by even more specific criteria, and lots of possible matches appeared. I’ve been merrily emailing and responding to emails.

We’ll see if this time my efforts are more fruitful.

I stay in the online dating game because I have met some wonderful men, even if many of them are geographically undesirable. I’m meeting one in a few weeks when I’m in his area since we’ve been talking weekly for a few months. In a few months, I will finally meet another who’s flirted with me for a year. Why bother with these men who will most likely never turn into romantic mates? Because they are interesting, articulate, intelligent, funny and good conversationalists. We’ve met in an unlikely way yet found enough commonalities to keep us delighting in our banter and discussions.

Will my foray back into Match.com yield my King Charming? Stay tuned!
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For more information on the ins and out of Internet dating, get your copy of Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.

It’s Never Too Late to Date: Shirley and Howard’s Rx’s For Dating and Mating After 50 by Shirley Friedenthal and Howard Eisenberg

This is a good primer for women in their “golden years” (the author’s words) who haven’t dated in 30 or 40 years — or perhaps ever. If the readers are like my mother, they may have never really dated except their husband. So after a death or divorce, these women are often unhappily resigned to living a life alone even if they’d like a male companion, as they are petrified to date.

Although this self-published book lists two authors, there is frequent reference to “I” and it’s Shirley’s voice. The only time it’s clear Howard is in the book is when they tell the story of how they met. So I will refer to “author” not “authors.” Perhaps he added his perspective, but his voice isn’t present.

Shirley mixes inspiration with common sense topics like always dress as if you might meet someone special — even when doing errands or walking the dog. But I guess if one hasn’t had to worry much about one’s appearance in decades it’s a good reminder. She even lightly touches on sex.

You will like this book if you are over 60 (or if you’re a sheltered 50) or haven’t dated in 30 or 40 years. Shirley offers some down-to-earth advice on what to expect.
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Of course, if you’d like to explore other books on dating in midlife, download your copy of any of my 13 books on the topic.

All Dating Goddess books

At some point in dating you have, no doubt, encountered jerks, players, and self-absorbed individuals. Perhaps you labeled some narcissists. But have you ever encountered someone you’d deem a psychopath?

In researching a relative’s extreme personality disorder, I decided to read Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work to determine how to best respond to the anti-social behavior with which I was having to deal. While the book focuses on psychopaths in the workplace, I thought I’d glean some ideas for identifying and dealing with these folks anywhere.

First, what’s the difference between a narcissist, sociopath and psychopath? I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, so I can only paraphrase the authors’ description.

• “Narcissistic personality disorder involves … displaying a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, sense of entitlement and lack of empathy.”

• “Sociopathy refers to patterns of attitudes and behaviors that are considered antisocial and criminal by society at large, but are seen as normal … by the subculture … in which they developed…. Many criminals might be described as sociopaths.”

• Psychopaths and narcissists have some overlapping characteristics, like lack of empathy, and grandiosity, but psychopaths couple these with deceitfulness, lack of remorse, without conscience or loyalty, refusal to accept responsibility and antisocial behavior. While these may sum up the things you loath about your ex, it’s not likely he was really a psychopath! More probably, he was probably just a jerk.

Not all psychopaths are criminals — or at least only a fraction of those with this disorder have either committed crimes or have been caught. The authors say approximately 1% of the population could be diagnosed with psychosis. They point out that only a small percentage of them have been put behind bars, so they are loose in society. Because psychopaths are often intelligent and present themselves well, you’d never know to look at them that you are about to be manipulated for your money, job, belongings or sex.

And not all manipulators are psychopaths. There are plenty of people who will lie, cheat, and steal, but that doesn’t mean they have this personality disorder.

So if so few people qualify as bona fide psychopaths, why am I telling you all this? Because I found the book a fascinating read and if you deal with anyone — at work or personally — who is a smooth manipulator, it may be useful to you.

Secondly, to encourage you to disengage from anyone who has extremely abnormal behavior that you feel is harmful to you. I had to extricate myself from a bullying manipulator, even amid pleading from friends and family to not do so. I am making that same decision about the aforementioned relative. You don’t have to put up with harmful behavior — whether it be emotional, verbal or physical — no matter who it’s coming from.

Have you encountered a manipulator in dating? If so, what was the final straw and how did you end it?

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To explore other examples on whether he’s a keeper or not, get your own copy of Real Deal or Faux Beau: Should You Keep Seeing Him? today!