Dinner and Dalliance

by Dating Goddess on February 21, 2022

You’ve heard of “Neflix and chill” — where you watch a video with your date, then have sex. Well, I have found “Dinner and dalliance” more fulfilling. I enjoy conversation, better getting to know the guy I’m dating, before creating horizontal happiness. It creates more of a connection (or not!) than passively watching a movie.

If he balks about going out for dinner, then you need to ask why. Perhaps he doesn’t want to be seen in public with you because he’s concerned he’ll run into an ex, or another woman he’s also dating, or he assumes he’ll be paying and he’s cheap or can’t afford it. He may not tell you any of this, of course, but you need to ask what his concerns are. I’m amazed at what men have admitted to me when I simply asked.

You can also see if he just decides a restaurant without asking what you’d enjoy. If you go to a restaurant with table service, you get to watch how he treats the servers — often a sign of how he treats people in general.

Dinner could also mean take out or delivery, or fixing a meal together at one of your homes. You can learn a lot about someone by sharing a task like cooking. You can see if he is controlling, taking issue with how you do something simple like prepare a salad. If in his kitchen, you can observe how neat and clean he keeps it — I once dated a guy who didn’t clean up after his dogs’ meals so everywhere I stepped in the kitchen crunched as I stepped on kibble.

Warning: If you are not prepared for the “dalliance” part of this equation, don’t invite him to your home. I’ve learned (with very few exceptions) that many men interpret being invited to a woman’s home as inviting them into your bed. So unless you are explicit with “I’d love to have you for dinner, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready for us to have sex,” know that for many they are tied together. Going to his home often means the same, so be explicit when you accept the invitation, as well. At least it is easier to leave his home before the evening gets steamy.

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The Tryst

by Dating Goddess on February 12, 2020

He is smart, funny, charming, good looking, worldly, educated, successful, a sharp dresser, good listener and conversationalist. He tells you what you long to hear. He is vulnerable with you and you with him. His kisses and caresses make you feel what you haven’t felt in a long, long time. He tells you how sexy and adorable you are, and how much he misses being with you.

You met through business, not online, so you know he’s not a player.

Yet there are things about him that on paper would be deal breakers.

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The Goatherd and the Goddess

by Dating Goddess on January 16, 2020

I dated a sweet man who grew up in an African village. He came to the US at age 19 to go to school.

I loved hearing his stories of growing up in his village, living in mud huts, bathing in the nearby river, gathering water from a pond, making fire from sticks and moss, walking miles to sell eggs and chickens at the market, and other examples of a life I couldn’t imagine. He regaled me with his tribe’s welcome-to-manhood ceremony and other rites of passage.

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Keeping it 100

by Dating Goddess on January 12, 2020

The phrase “keeping it 100” comes from “keeping it 100% real,” meaning being 100% honest. It’s shorthand for no BS, don’t tell me what you think I want to hear, tell me the unvarnished truth. Don’t hold back.

I decided to try this with a man while we were exploring going from pals to more. His life is complicated right now, uncoupling from a long-term relationship. I wanted to understand his emotional state, goals and desires. I needed to determine if it made sense to become closer during this challenging time, or whether it would be best for all if we stayed pals and revisited becoming romantic after he was fully unencumbered.

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Appreciating *Who* He Is Over *What* He Is

by Dating Goddess on January 6, 2020

A man may enter your life who does not hold the work title or financial status you are seeking. But he’s a good man. He is honest, has integrity, treats you respectfully, listens to you, and is accommodating to your desires.

The “what” is his profession. The “who” is his character, values and behavior.

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“You Do You”

by Dating Goddess on December 31, 2019

It’s commonly said that women try to change their man into someone more to their ideal. Men, however, are afraid women will change, as they like what they have.

Not that a man can’t wish a woman was a better cook, was more punctual, neater, or had other habits he liked. But (generally) he won’t hound her, unlike women (generally).

My experience is men won’t tell you when they are fully accepting of who you are, warts and all.

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What’s Your “Need for Affiliation”?

by Dating Goddess on September 16, 2019

Agal pal shared with me the concept of people having different needs for affiliation — how much “people contact” they need.

As you would guess, some have a very low need for affiliation — someone like the Unabomber who is content to live like a hermit with human contact only a few times a year, and then only because of necessity. Granted, he is mentally ill, but you get my drift.

And some people have a very high need to be around others and get depressed when they aren’t. Think Paris Hilton (we’ll skip any assessment about mental health). I find it interesting that some of these folks can just be in the presence of others — not interacting with them — and still have their itch scratched. That may be the case for people who spend all day in a popular park, Starbucks, Borders, or the library, reading and working. They talk with very few people, if any, but they just like being around others.

My theory is this: Your dating behaviors reflect your need for affiliation. So if you have a high need, you’re apt to email, call and IM the person you’re dating multiple times a day. (We began to explore this in “Do you both have the same dating rhythm?” in the In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?book)

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10 Tips for Successful Dating Over 40

by Dating Goddess on October 28, 2018

You’ve been single for a while. You would like to have a special man in your life. But how?

Women reentering the dating scene after a long absence need to first examine if they are ready to date again. After all, not only is there the possibility of being swept off your feet by a romantic, loving man, there’s the chance of being swept over the cliff of heartbreak. Here are some tips on how to ensure you enjoy your adventure of dating after 50, not dread the next coffee date.
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Long-Distance Dating Pros and Cons

by Dating Goddess on October 14, 2018

Some people set no distance requirements on potential suitors. One Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 reader shared she was romanced by a guy half way around the world for over two years! (They never met and he went poof one day.)

Other people have ridiculously short distance requirements. Some men list 10 miles as their dating radius in their dating profiles. Unless you live in New York City, I think it this is too small. An hour’s drive seems reasonable to me.

Throughout my post-divorce dating, I was always clear I didn’t want a long-distance relationship. Even thinking that, I’ve been entranced enough with four of the 112 men to explore dating them. With three of the four, I spent hours on the phone with them, often talking every day for up to several months before meeting. Two I never saw after one date, and one I saw 3 times before he went poof.

Then I found myself in a 600-mile relationship. Why? Because he is a great, loving, smart, romantic, thoughtful guy. The distance has its pros and cons. Here’s what I’ve found so far:

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“Are You Man Enough To Be My Man?”

September 26, 2018

This can be a common thought for powerful, successful, midlife dating women. It was expressed by Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 reader Diamond in a question to me:             I’ve been in business my whole life. A friend’s mother shared this advice just prior to my running off to meet what I thought […]

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Is he emotionally abusive?

July 29, 2015

She said he has given her a 2-week probation to decide if he wanted to stay or go.

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