Dating-over-40 advice by the Dating Goddess™
He is smart, funny, charming, good looking, worldly, educated, successful, a sharp dresser, good listener and conversationalist. He tells you what you long to hear. He is vulnerable with you and you with him. His kisses and caresses make you feel what you haven’t felt in a long, long time. He tells you how sexy and adorable you are, and how much he misses being with you.
You met through business, not online, so you know he’s not a player.
Yet there are things about him that on paper would be deal breakers.
I dated a sweet man who grew up in an African village. He came to the US at age 19 to go to school.
I loved hearing his stories of growing up in his village, living in mud huts, bathing in the nearby river, gathering water from a pond, making fire from sticks and moss, walking miles to sell eggs and chickens at the market, and other examples of a life I couldn’t imagine. He regaled me with his tribe’s welcome-to-manhood ceremony and other rites of passage.
The phrase “keeping it 100” comes from “keeping it 100% real,” meaning being 100% honest. It’s shorthand for no BS, don’t tell me what you think I want to hear, tell me the unvarnished truth. Don’t hold back.
I decided to try this with a man while we were exploring going from pals to more. His life is complicated right now, uncoupling from a long-term relationship. I wanted to understand his emotional state, goals and desires. I needed to determine if it made sense to become closer during this challenging time, or whether it would be best for all if we stayed pals and revisited becoming romantic after he was fully unencumbered.
A man may enter your life who does not hold the work title or financial status you are seeking. But he’s a good man. He is honest, has integrity, treats you respectfully, listens to you, and is accommodating to your desires.
The “what” is his profession. The “who” is his character, values and behavior.
It’s commonly said that women try to change their man into someone more to their ideal. Men, however, are afraid women will change, as they like what they have.
Not that a man can’t wish a woman was a better cook, was more punctual, neater, or had other habits he liked. But (generally) he won’t hound her, unlike women (generally).
My experience is men won’t tell you when they are fully accepting of who you are, warts and all.
He is smart, funny, charming, good looking, worldly, educated, successful, a sharp dresser, good listener and conversationalist. He tells you what you long to hear. He is vulnerable with you and you with him. His kisses and caresses make you feel what you haven’t felt in a long, long time. He tells you how sexy and adorable you are, and how much he misses being with you.
You met through business, not online, so you know he’s not a player.
Yet there are things about him that on paper would be deal breakers.
I dated a sweet man who grew up in an African village. He came to the US at age 19 to go to school.
I loved hearing his stories of growing up in his village, living in mud huts, bathing in the nearby river, gathering water from a pond, making fire from sticks and moss, walking miles to sell eggs and chickens at the market, and other examples of a life I couldn’t imagine. He regaled me with his tribe’s welcome-to-manhood ceremony and other rites of passage.
The phrase “keeping it 100” comes from “keeping it 100% real,” meaning being 100% honest. It’s shorthand for no BS, don’t tell me what you think I want to hear, tell me the unvarnished truth. Don’t hold back.
I decided to try this with a man while we were exploring going from pals to more. His life is complicated right now, uncoupling from a long-term relationship. I wanted to understand his emotional state, goals and desires. I needed to determine if it made sense to become closer during this challenging time, or whether it would be best for all if we stayed pals and revisited becoming romantic after he was fully unencumbered.
A man may enter your life who does not hold the work title or financial status you are seeking. But he’s a good man. He is honest, has integrity, treats you respectfully, listens to you, and is accommodating to your desires.
The “what” is his profession. The “who” is his character, values and behavior.
It’s commonly said that women try to change their man into someone more to their ideal. Men, however, are afraid women will change, as they like what they have.
Not that a man can’t wish a woman was a better cook, was more punctual, neater, or had other habits he liked. But (generally) he won’t hound her, unlike women (generally).
My experience is men won’t tell you when they are fully accepting of who you are, warts and all.
Agal pal shared with me the concept of people having different needs for affiliation — how much “people contact” they need.
As you would guess, some have a very low need for affiliation — someone like the Unabomber who is content to live like a hermit with human contact only a few times a year, and then only because of necessity. Granted, he is mentally ill, but you get my drift.
And some people have a very high need to be around others and get depressed when they aren’t. Think Paris Hilton (we’ll skip any assessment about mental health). I find it interesting that some of these folks can just be in the presence of others — not interacting with them — and still have their itch scratched. That may be the case for people who spend all day in a popular park, Starbucks, Borders, or the library, reading and working. They talk with very few people, if any, but they just like being around others.
My theory is this: Your dating behaviors reflect your need for affiliation. So if you have a high need, you’re apt to email, call and IM the person you’re dating multiple times a day. (We began to explore this in “Do you both have the same dating rhythm?” in the In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?book)
You’ve been single for a while. You would like to have a special man in your life. But how?
Women reentering the dating scene after a long absence need to first examine if they are ready to date again. After all, not only is there the possibility of being swept off your feet by a romantic, loving man, there’s the chance of being swept over the cliff of heartbreak. Here are some tips on how to ensure you enjoy your adventure of dating after 50, not dread the next coffee date.
Some people set no distance requirements on potential suitors. One Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 reader shared she was romanced by a guy half way around the world for over two years! (They never met and he went poof one day.)
Other people have ridiculously short distance requirements. Some men list 10 miles as their dating radius in their dating profiles. Unless you live in New York City, I think it this is too small. An hour’s drive seems reasonable to me.
Throughout my post-divorce dating, I was always clear I didn’t want a long-distance relationship. Even thinking that, I’ve been entranced enough with four of the 112 men to explore dating them. With three of the four, I spent hours on the phone with them, often talking every day for up to several months before meeting. Two I never saw after one date, and one I saw 3 times before he went poof.
Then I found myself in a 600-mile relationship. Why? Because he is a great, loving, smart, romantic, thoughtful guy. The distance has its pros and cons. Here’s what I’ve found so far:
This can be a common thought for powerful, successful, midlife dating women. It was expressed by Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 reader Diamond in a question to me:
I’ve been in business my whole life. A friend’s mother shared this advice just prior to my running off to meet what I thought was the man of my dreams in London. She gently said, in a loving mother’s voice, “Do you mind if I give you a piece of advice about your man in London? Please don’t treat him like a business!”
I have a hard time switching from client mode to date mode. I treat my date as I do my clients”— I want to know up front, “What are your goals and objectives?” This is me, who are you? BAM! I’m sure I’m too direct for the first call. This doesn’t evolve over time — I want to know now so I don’t waste time.
OMG — I don’t know how to date! The last guy went packing after our initial call. Run Forrest! Run!
She said he has given her a 2-week probation to decide if he wanted to stay or go.
