Dating-over-40 advice by the Dating Goddess™
I heard the male version of this the other day from a friend pining for an ex-girlfriend.
Yes, people can change. Some can change at the snap of their fingers, vowing to stop or start a behavior immediately. A few actually accomplish that.
Others change after starts and restarts, taking days/weeks/months/years/decades to adopt the new behavior. Some are eventually successful; others never are.
Solid relationships are built on trust. So what happens when one of the pair does something that strains — or completely breaks — that trust?
If it’s a one-time, never-to-be-repeated event, and the bond is strong, often the offending party receives grace and forgiveness and the relationship continues.
But what if there are multiple fibs, lies or less-than-forthcoming responses to direct questions? What if someone chooses to keep certain facts to themselves to keep their options open?
I’ve heard men say that women are too picky about unimportant aspects of a man’s behavior. I think it depends on what one considers important and unimportant.
Many women would consider table manners important (or somewhat important). Few of us appreciate a man who chews with his mouth open, talks with his mouth full, licks his knife or lowers his head near the plate to more easily shovel food into his maw. Yet men who have these behaviors haven’t a clue they are important, and would probably rebuff anyone pointing out their bad manners.
Maybe the little ditty “99 men on the wall” will replace the old song we sang loudly on long bus/car drives, but only women will be singing it.
Today I have a meet/date with man number 99. It’s taken nearly 5 years to go out with 99 men and I have slowed down a lot in the last 2 years. No longer do I feel like the kid in Baskin-Robbins wanting to taste all the flavors. I have now narrowed down the flavors that interest me and can often tell beforehand if a man has qualities that appeal to me or not. Most often not.
I was seduced by these words. They went straight to my heart. Even though the local man’s actions rarely paralleled this sentiment. Even though much of the time I wondered why he didn’t bother to set a time to get together while his text and phone messages talked about how much he missed me and cared about me.
Webster’s dictionary says “pursue” means: “seek to form a sexual relationship with (someone) in a persistent way.”
I explained in “Tales of woo” how some men’s definition of “pursue” seems skewed to me. Another example has occurred this week.
A few weeks ago a local man showed signs of interest. We emailed a few times, then I gave him my number and we had several long, interesting chats. The only problem was he was on a business trip and wouldn’t be returning until after I left for SE Asia. I suggested he download Skype so we could continue our voice chats.
Arriving home tonight from an 11-day international trip, I lifted my heavy bags into my trunk at the airport. It occurred to me that I’d schlepped these bags more than I cared to when help was not on the horizon. It made me appreciate the cheerful van drivers, bellmen and skycaps who did offer to hoist my bags.
I began to ruminate on the many things men — often strangers — do to lighten women’s burden’s. Not only luggage lifting, but I’ve been struck by how often men have gone out of their way to give directions or even walk me to my destination. Sure, some of them have been in a role at a hotel, but many have not. They were just helpful strangers.
For decades (centuries?) women have been drawn to men in uniform. Is it the crispness of their attire that is the allure? The fact that you know they’ve learned responsibility and discipline from being in the service? Some appeal to our desire for a man who knows how to protect us? The respect we have for the sacrifice we know the wearer has and is willing to make?
My stay back in Brunei this week overlaps a large SE Asia military convention and air show. My hotel and the city are filled with military men and women. At the main shopping mall, I observed dozens of mostly men from all ranks in their country’s uniform.
Do you get emotional at weddings? Enveloped in the flood of love, joy and hope it is hard not to be. You are caught up in the palpable adoration between the happy couple. Maybe the nuptials remind you of how elated you felt at your wedding(s), immersed in the endorphins from being in love. Or perhaps the proceedings evoke memories of the grief you felt at the eventual loss of your love.
I haven’t been to a wedding in the six years since my marriage dissolved, so I’m not sure what I’ll feel at one I’ll attend in a few weeks. In the past, I’ve become emotional because of the strong feelings of love that are typically present.
I would never have guessed that one of the most difficult rites of passage after divorce was a first dance with a new man.
If you’re like me, you may have slow danced with very few men other than your husband during your marriage (assuming he danced at all), unless you took dancing lessons that encouraged partner swapping. When I danced with another man it was typically a fast dance where we could do our own thing.
In the getting-to-know-you stage, you’re wrong if you tell a man he’s crossed the line and wrong if you don’t.
If you do, you can be seen as controlling. If you don’t, you give the impression that whatever he did/said is fine with you. Or you can just disappear and he’ll never know why.
