Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Real deal or faux beau

  • The fear of finding “The One”

    We can call it commitment phobia. But before we label it, let’s examine it. I’d bet it has happened to nearly all of us at one time or another.

    You meet someone terrific, and he feels similarly. You date for a while — months or even years. You say you are committed to each other, maybe even engaged, but the relationship does not progress beyond sharing each other’s lives — and beds — several times a week.

    Many people say this shows a commitment problem or immaturity on one or both people’s part. However, for the couple it may be just fine to have your own space and not want to be together full time. If you live within a reasonable driving distance, it may work well for both.

    The complication comes when one or both of you would have to make a big change to be together frequently. If you live far enough apart, multiple visits each week can become a hassle, no matter how wonderful your time together is. If your homes are too small to easily accommodate another person, or if the commute to each other’s place onerous, something will need to change to keep the relationship together. One or both of you will need to move.

    Some people try to stave off having to make decisions like this by purposefully avoiding dating people who are outside a reasonable commute difference. Unfortunately, their heart hasn’t heard of this love perimeter, so they may fall for someone regardless of their boundary.

    Yesterday, I had a conversation with an astute, conscious, self-aware, long-single friend who shared that the dramatic changes involved when one has found The One has kept him from pursuing serious relationships. While one could diss him as immature, selfish, or commitment phobic, I applaud his insight.

    I’ve examined this for myself, noting that I’ve not been in any serious relationships during my 2.5 years of dating, while other divorcées are often remarried in this time frame. If you have been dating for a while, is there a lingering concern that a major lifestyle change will have to happen when you meet The One? You’d have to modify things in your life that are working for you, whether it’s your ability to do whatever you want when you want or having to clean out closet space and drawers if he were to move into your place. Or you’d have to shoehorn your belongings into his place, or you’d move to a new place together. While some people find change exciting, others find major change wrought with concerns, like what if it doesn’t work out after you’ve made this big changes.

    Do you have any fears that go hand in hand with finding The One? If so, share them so others can learn from you.

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  • The working date

    I was interviewed yesterday by a Wall Street Journal reporter on the concept of working dates. Does this mean you bring your date to work, as you would bring a son or daughter on those “bring your kid to work” days? Does it mean you agree to have a date where you do chores around the other’s home?

    working dateNo, neither of these. It means you have some work that must get done on the weekend or in the evening, yet you also want to see your sugar. Does it work to have a working date? It depends on how you work it.

    I’ve had a number of working dates, all with guys I’ve been seeing for a while. So let me share some guidelines:

    • Only suggest a working date when you have built up trust with the guy. It can be off putting if you suggest a working date as the second date, as it implies he’s not interesting enough to get your full attention.
    • Agree that it will be a working date before you get together. Don’t spring it on him as he (or you) arrives, “Oh, by the way, I need to spend a few hours on my presentation for tomorrow. I hope you don’t mind.” Some men will be flexible and watch TV or read a book, but some will resent it as they expected to have your focus.
    • After you explain your need to get some things done, invite him to bring some work or reading. It’s cozy to sit on the couch with your sweetie reading together with some body parts touching. This can even work if you both have a laptop.
    • Accept that a working date may not be what he wants. If you tell him before you get together, he then has an option to do something else for the evening. Don’t take it personally.
    • Set some ground rules. For example, don’t check your Blackberry every 10 minutes unless you’ve told him you’re expecting an urgent email from a client or your boss. If you are at an event or restaurant, if you need to respond, it may be best to excuse yourself to the restroom to take care of business.
    • Agree on an end time. If the deal is take out dinner, work for a while, then watch a DVD, agree upon an end time for the work. If one of you doesn’t honor the end time, the other can understandably get upset. Even if you say, “Go ahead and start the DVD without me,” he may resent that you didn’t honor your agreement. If you really just need a few more minutes, negotiate for that, but then don’t push your luck by going beyond. And unless you’ve been dating a while, don’t try to multitask by watching the DVD and working on your laptop.
    • Be sensitive to interrupting each other. My ex and I liked to read sitting next to each other. We’d often read something that we thought would be of interest to the other. So we developed a simple code: “Tell me when you’re interruptible.” This was not enough to bring you out of what you were reading, or if writing you could complete your thought. When we came to a stopping place — usually within a minute or two — we’d turn to the other and say, “I’m interruptible now” and we could share what was interesting.
    • Let the other know if something isn’t working. If he interrupts you every few minutes, that won’t work. I had a working date with a guy who talked to himself out loud. This was very distracting as I didn’t know if he was talking to me specifically, or just thinking aloud. Finally, I said, “I like that we’re working in the same room, but if we’re going to continue, I need to ask you to not vocalize your thoughts unless you are talking to me.” He understood.
    • Decide how much you will tap the other for input. I dated a former newspaper editor, so I’d ask for his opinion when I was in a quandary about a word choice, or was struggling with how to phrase something. But I made sure to not do this often as he was working on his own stuff.

    Have you had working dates? If so, what have you found works?

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  • Learning about male magnetism from … rats

    Perhaps you’ve lived this common scenario: You’ve dated a guy a few times. You hit it off and enjoy each other a lot. You feel great around him. He treats you well when you’re together. However, he calls unpredictably, emails periodically, and you see him only sporadically. If you call him, it may take him days to get back to you. Yet you anxiously anticipate the next contact.

    We can only guess what’s going on with him. Is he game playing? Toying with you? Have another woman (or women) on the hook? Not that interested?

    But then he calls or emails, and wants to see you — today, tonight, or now.

    Since we don’t really know what’s up with him, let’s look at what’s happening with you. Many women get snared into this “hook, let out the line, then reel her in” behavior. Why do we fall for it?

    ratB. F. Skinner explained it, thanks to experiments with pigeons and rats. He showed that animals (and by inference, people) are more likely to do what you want with intermittent reinforcement rather than consistent rewards. So for us dating midlife women, it means that we are more likely to be drawn in by a guy who gives us irregular reinforcement (infrequent calls, unpredictable emails, and spontaneous dates) than with a man who is consistent, regular and predictable.

    I can hear you now: “Not me!” you say. “I like a man who calls me every day during lunch, has a standing Friday night date, and emails me first thing in the morning. Yep, I’m for Predictable Man, not Flake-o Guy.”

    Well, good for you. You might be an anomaly if you’ve never felt yourself drawn to one of those intermittent-contact guys. Many women find something irresistible about a “bad boy” who comes and goes at his own whim, leaving you wondering when — and if — he’ll be back. But he’s so charming, attentive, exciting and smooth when you’re with him, you’re wiling to put up with some uncertainty for that hit of his musty cologne, those goose-bump inducing kisses, and his adorable crooked smile as he sweeps you off your feet.

    So what to do if you become aware that you’re entranced by an Intermittent Guy? If you like the excitement of spontaneity and unpredictability, and like to be non-committal yourself, great. But if you mope around waiting for him to call, or refuse date invitations from others, this is not good. If you want some certainty, then you need to ask for it. If he’s not willing to give it and you’re not willing to perpetually be his last-minute date, then you need to let go. Invite him to be your friend, or release him entirely.

    fish hookBeing hooked, no matter how delicious the bait, isn’t good for fish or women.

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  • Do you treat him like a friend?

    “Love and friendship exclude each other.” —Jean de la Bruyere

    Common wisdom is that long-term relationships are based on solid friendship. I agree. But I do ponder where is the line between how you’d treat a friend and how you treat your beau.

    For example, with my very best friends I can talk about anything. Yes, anything. My fears, doubts, insecurities. I can boast about a recent success and they won’t think less of me. I can vent about some recent interaction. I can share my hopes for the future.

    I’d hope I can say these things to a long-term partner, too. The challenge comes with knowing the line — if there is a line — of what to share and what not.

    For example, if a friend is considering doing something I think is ill-advised, I feel I have the right, and in the cases of very good friends, the responsibility, to say something. Some less-than-good friends would say, “Butt out. It’s none of your business.” But I expect my friends to point out if they think I’m overlooking something important. In other words, if they think I’m about to do — or maybe even in the middle of doing — something stupid, they speak up.

    Luckily, my friends are socially adept and don’t blurt out “You’re being stupid,” or “Don’t you have a brain in your head?” or “What could you possibly be thinking?” These phrases are more likely to come from family, not friends.

    But I’ve been unsuccessful, no matter how gently I think I’ve phrased it, to suggest to a beau that his course of action may benefit from some additional thinking. No. When I’ve tried this a few times, I sometimes hear that I’m treating him like a child.

    So what to do? Some say to just let him do what he planned and fall on his face. Or live with the consequences. Or maybe it will pan out to his satisfaction, even though you know it would be even better with your added input. I know, this sounds arrogant. But the beauty of two heads is they often are really better than one, and better solutions are created by melding two good minds.

    Could you watch a friend do something you think — perhaps know — is dumb, without saying something? Would you stand by if a friend was going to dive off a bridge into what seemed like a deep pond without first checking if there were big rocks under the surface that could crack her head? What if she got excited about joining a new multi-level marketing venture and decided to quit her job, even though she was sole support of herself and her 2 kids? What if she decided to go to Vegas this weekend to marry that man she’s known only 4 weeks? Could you not at least discuss it with her or him?

    A friend long ago counseled me that men don’t want their sweetie’s input. They want to be successful without any of her suggestions. They can feel emasculated if she contributes ideas he didn’t think of. My friend said to just let my ex do what he would do and praise him whatever the result. Now talk about infantilizing! This seems like something you’d do to a small child.

    Perhaps I’m naive, but I envision my mate being someone who asks for and welcomes my input on his plans. Not everything, of course, but big issues. I often seek others’ input — including those I’m dating. I’m not put off by their ideas, even if I’ve thought of them all before. I appreciate their willingness to noodle on the situation with me. And I welcome someone’s suggesting there might be issues they want to make sure I’ve considered. To me, this is a way they show they care. As long as they do it without the aforementioned condescension.

    The rub happens when there is no request for help from the other, if you just jump in unasked. With good friends, I think there is an implicit — and sometimes explicit — permission to jump in anytime you see something you think would be useful to the other. My more evolved friends have a standard practice of asking, “Do you want my input?” or “Would you like to brainstorm this?” or “Would you like some more ideas on how to accomplish what you want?”

    I always say yes when asked, and have yet to be refused when I’ve asked this of my friends. So what is the big deal when it comes to someone in which you’re having a romantic relationship? You’re friends as well as dating, right? So why can’t you treat him the same way you treat your good friends?

    Share your perspective on this issue. Do you find you can treat a beau as you would your friends? Or are there some areas that are verboten?

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  • Do you give your date grace?

    GraceI mean grace in this sense: mercy, clemency, lenience, pardon, consideration, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, courteous goodwill.

    At the beginning of any relationship, there are ups and downs. In “What’s your date’s score on the Delight/Disappointment Scale?” I discuss how you want to notice when your date delights and disappoints you. The point is not to jettison him the first time he disappoints, but to notice it and give him some grace. We all have off days. However, if your disappointments far outweigh the delight, ponder moving on.

    I’ve been surprised when I’ve heard women’s stories of dumping a guy they’ve been seeing after the first miscommunication. I can understand if he’s lied or cheated. Those are zero-tolerance situations. But women have cut the cord on a guy the first time he is late, without giving him a chance to explain. That is cold. If it is a recurring pattern, then yes, something must be said and modified — either his lateness or her expectation of the time he’ll appear.

    I tend to give any man I’m dating a lot of grace. Sometimes perhaps too much. I tend to forgive hiccups that I know other women would bail for. I work to live by that maxim about treating others as I would like to be treated. But there is a limit to my tolerance. If a man violates my trust a second time, he’s gone. Sometimes the first time, depending on how egregious the violation.

    Luckily, I’ve only had a few arguments with men I’ve dated. In each instance, if he is angry at me it feels like he hasn’t given me any grace. From his comments, he allows me no slack to be human, nor any consideration that my motivation is different than his negative interpretation. No grace.

    Can a relationship blossom without grace? I don’t think so. Humans make mistakes. We say insensitive things, have trouble hiding our less-than-positive feelings, choose the wrong words, and take things personally. If your budding relationship is grace deficient, it will wither and die soon.

    The place to start is with your own grace behavior. Don’t expect it from him until you practice it yourself. If you need some reminders on how to do this, see “Turn your liabilities into assets” (apply the concept to his behaviors that drive you batty), “Ignore dating rule #1 at your peril,” and “Being ‘in wonder’ about your date’s behavior.”

    In fact, you can begin to strengthen your grace muscle on strangers, family members and coworkers. Next time someone cuts you off in traffic, instead of honking, try taking a deep breath and saying grace. But instead of saying grace as you would at the start of a meal, try thinking “I give you grace” to that person who is obviously not fully present to how his/her behaviors affect others. Besides, honking won’t change their behavior (see Rule #1).

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  • When he tells you he loves you

    You’ve been dating a guy for a little while — no more than a month. You get along great, enjoy your time together, and perhaps have had a sleepover (or two). But you’re just getting to know each other, and you aren’t even sure if you’re interested in him long-term, although you enjoy his company. But there are some yellow flags that make you doubt that you’ll be together in six months. You try to put aside your concerns and just focus on enjoying your time together.

    Then it happens. As he hugs and kisses you goodbye, he whispers in your ear, “I love you.”

    You freeze. While you’ve longed to hear those three words — but not necessarily from him — you are caught off guard. What do you do? Do you utter “I love you” back, even though you know you are fond of him, but don’t quite feel “love” at this point? Or do you convince yourself that loving someone is the same as being fond of them, so it’s okay to say it?

    If you hesitate too long, he’ll know it’s an obligatory “I love you,” not a heartfelt one. How do you respond — with “Thank you,” “I know” or “There are many things I love about you, too”? These sound so flat. But if you say those three words and don’t truly mean them, will more harm be done? So should you not say anything?

    The quandary is when you know you care for him, am fond of him, yes, perhaps even love him, but you know you’re not in love with him. The former can be felt for anyone toward whom you have affection. The latter is for very few — someone who makes your heart beat faster, you ache for when he’s away, have a mix of excitement and calm when you hear his voice, and get those silly goose bumps when he strokes your arm or kisses you. “In love” is reserved for someone with whom you think you could go the distance, will have your back, and be your partner, mate or husband.

    So, what do you say when he says “I love you” and you’re not ready to say it back? Maybe you know you’ll never be able to sincerely say “I’m in love with you,” but right now you have to say something.

    At this time, a simple whispered, “Thank you, sweetie” should suffice. But the next time you talk, you need to bring up how you feel. Something like, “I really appreciated your telling me you love me the other day. I like how you are able to express your feelings to me. I want you to know that I am very fond of you, and it takes me a while to feel I love someone. I don’t want you to think I don’t care about you if I don’t say ‘I love you.’ And I don’t want you to feel you can’t say it to me if that’s what you’d like to do.”

    But the larger picture needs to be addressed at some point. If you are both seeing this as an activity-partner-with-benefits relationship, then the “love” issue shouldn’t be a problem. But when one of you sees the other as “the one” and the other realizes that s/he probably won’t ever feel that way, best to get that out in the open. If it is you who is not feeling it, then it’s your responsibility to start the conversation and be as gentle as possible. You don’t want to lead him on if he has a different expectation.

    However, I also know that this conversation can create hurt and upset, even if you’ve been honest all along that you’re not “in love.” False expectations can build up quickly. So best not to let the fantasies simmer.

    What have you done when you’ve heard “I love you” before you’re feeling it, or when you hear it and know you’ll never feel similarly?

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  • Is his toothbrush in your cabinet too soon?

    Does the guy you’re dating leave personal items at your place — without asking?

    toothbrushTwo men have done this at my house. The latest was after a second sleepover, but unbeknownst to me. During his third visit I asked if he wanted a toothbrush or if he brought one. He said, “I left one here last time. I’ve taken over the empty shelf in your bathroom.” “Really?” I thought, “Kinda presumptuous don’t you think?” But I bit my tongue, as I really didn’t mind. I just thought it was interesting that he would move in his toiletries so quickly and without any discussion, let alone permission. I don’t think I’d be so assumptive.

    Yet I knew he hungered for some sense of permanency between us, so I didn’t mind a toothbrush, comb, razor and deodorant now occupying my formerly empty shelf. In fact, it was unoccupied because I didn’t use that bathroom much. “So what’s the harm?” I thought.

    As it turns out it was indicative of bigger issues and assumptions. He was more bent on our living together than I was. He longed for me to make a commitment to him even though we’d known each other only a few months. This ultimately colored both of our expectations of the relationship and each other.

    He saw my lack of interest in moving to his area as a sign that I was selfish and he surmised he’d have to move to mine, live in my house, sit on my furniture, and eat my food. Interesting, since none of this was ever discussed, so it was all his assumption. I felt 2-3 months of dating was way too soon to know if the relationship should continue, let alone be semi-permanent. He saw my insistence that it was too early as rejecting him. Which in a way, I was — rejecting my willingness at this time to work toward permanence with a man I felt I hardly knew.

    The other beau left clothing on my bedroom chair in between weekend sleepovers. I’m a neat person, so this bothered me. I suggested he keep them in an empty drawer — perhaps like the man described above, in an attempt to create a sense of permanence. But similarly, it was too soon to assume a bond. His clothing should have left each time he did. When we had our final clash on the phone, his clothes were still at my place. I should have told him to fetch them, or donated them to Goodwill, but I called to tell him I’d drop them off since I was going to his neighborhood. He never returned the call, so I left the bags on his doorstep. Even how this got resolved was indicative of our relationship — he became uncommunicative when he didn’t get his way; I tried to make nice and show there were no hard feelings even though our last fight was over his trying to manipulate me.

    So what have I learned? That both parties should keep their belongings with them and not leave items at the other’s abode. It takes some effort to schlep your stuff back and forth, but it is better for the relationship. You don’t want to leave your baggage — emotional or physical — at someone else’s house.

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  • Does your guy have friends?

    A guy’s friends — or lack thereof — tells you a lot about him.

    After you’ve dated a guy a time or two, mentions of his friends often waft into the conversation. When you hear him talk about both male and female friends, it is a good sign — at least it can be, depending on what you notice when you actually meet them.

    DNABut if he has no friends, it can be a yellow — or even red — flag. If his only friends are his kids, siblings or parents, that says there may be some relationship-stunting going on. He hasn’t learned how to build bonds beyond those with shared DNA. Let’s examine why he might not have non-family friends:

    • He’s extremely shy. If that’s okay with you, no problem. Know that if you take him to parties or out with your friends he’ll be quiet. You may find him reading a book in the corner while you’re meeting interesting new people. Or he may just decline your invitation to accompany you, so you will be alone at social events.
    • He is a loner. He likes solo activities, hiking, biking, swimming, small-craft sailing, so hasn’t had a need to find others to hang with. Maybe he works alone, so doesn’t have much opportunity to meet others.
    • He has an extremely busy life, with kids, long work hours, and taking care of aging parents. Although even with hectic schedules, people often strike up friendships with co-workers, other kids’ parents, or those from common circles (church, gym, neighbors).
    • He has a low “affiliation need.” He doesn’t need others for him to function well, so he doesn’t seek people. He’s an introvert.
    • He’s socially inept or doesn’t mix well with people. He makes inappropriate, mean, base comments, or tells off-color jokes to those who don’t want to hear them. He teases people ruthlessly about areas which they are sensitive (balding, weight, age). He’s immature. People don’t like being around him. He could be attentive to you one-on-one, but brash around others.

    If a guy has only a few good friends, I make a mental note of it, but it’s not a deal breaker, as some people only need a few good friends. However, if he only has one friend with whom he works and hasn’t kept relationships beyond current workmates, that’s a yellow flag. It says something to me about his ability to keep a relationship going without the convenience of seeing each other every day. And if he is always the one initiating contact, that says there isn’t much of a deep friendship. Or he chooses friends who are self-absorbed.

    What if he has friends?

    Maybe his friends are pleasant, thoughtful, mature, responsible and inclusive of you. This is a great sign as it shows he knows how to pick people who reflect values you, too, admire.

    friends coffee cupHowever, if when you meet his friends they seem to be stuck in reliving their college days — including college-level behaviors — that also tells you a lot. Can they discuss more than the latest ball game, or tell you great things about your date? Or are they all slinging insults so fast they don’t know how to sincerely share their respect for your guy? (Yes, some men show their fondness of each other through insults, but wouldn’t you like to occasionally hear, “Fred is a great guy” instead of always, “Why are you hanging around with this pudgy, balding loser?”)

    And how do they treat you? Are they welcoming and glad your guy has found someone wonderful like you? Or do they treat you like the booty du jour? Do they ask about you and your life, or are you just his momentary arm candy?

    If your relationship deepens, his friends’ feelings toward you and yours toward them can make or break your connection. If they don’t like you, they will bad mouth you to him. If you don’t like them, it causes strain whenever he wants to be with them. So if they aren’t thugs, misogynists or total losers, keep your opinion to yourself.

    What have you notice about your dates’ friends and how did it impact your relationship?

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  • Does he share your POV?

    movie cameraPOV — That’s film-industry shorthand for “point of view shot.” When the camera shows what a character sees, that’s their POV. We see the scene through their eyes.

    Wouldn’t it be great if we could occasionally see our date’s POV? To access his perspective, how he sees things? And wouldn’t you like to share your view finder so he sees your perspective? It certainly would make relationships — especially the beginnings of one — much easier.

    I think we typically assume the other person shares our POV — that they see and interpret events similarly to us. But the truth is, two people rarely share the same perspective about any given conversation or event. In fact, our perceptions are so unreliable “that studies have shown that individual, separate witness testimony is often flawed and parts of it can be meaningless. This can occur because of a person’s faulty observation and recollection, [or] because of a person’s bias….”* It’s common for two eye witnesses to have very different stories with only a small overlap.

    So while you and your date shared the same experience, you may have very different — perhaps 180-degree disparate — impressions of what happened.

    My ex and I would frequently have different memories of an event or conversation, but he would usually chalk it up to his having a bad memory. However, in our divorce mediation when he said, “We’re living like roommates” I was shocked. My perspective was we were living in a loving, supportive, sexual relationship, not without hiccups, but nothing I thought was insurmountable. This was the first time I realized we had divergent experiences of our marriage and relationship. (See “You live a rich fantasy life.”)

    In a quarrel with a guy with whom I’d had a 3-month relationship, I again had the revelation that two people can have extreme views of the same situation. One of his numerous accusations was that we only partook in activities that I wanted to do. Feeling I ensure both parties have equal say in determining activities, I asked for an example. “We only see movies you want to see.” It’s true that I don’t like to review movies I’ve seen recently, and I’d watched many more than he had, but I felt we always decided on the selection jointly. I wouldn’t ask him to participate in something he didn’t want to do, and I expected the same from him. I was stunned that he felt I was so inflexible and selfish. During his litany of other examples of my many character flaws it was clear we had 180-degree points of view on many experiences.

    I had to ask myself if I could continue in a relationship knowing that we shared so little perspective on events and motivations. His interpretation of my behaviors often — I now learned — was that I was selfish, insensitive, condescending and overbearing. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to continue a relationship with anyone they perceived this way, but he said he did. I, however, didn’t want to continue with someone I felt would always be interpreting whatever I did in the worst possible light — the opposite of what I intended or thought.

    Luckily this extreme difference of POV came out after only 3 months. We’d only had one tiff prior to this row, so I had no idea his perspective was so different than mine. He had always acted as if all was hunky-dory, so I had no clue anything was amiss. He was communicative so we talked about feelings and needs, but I had no idea our differently interpreting events was so rampant.

    Seeing each character’s POV tells you much more of the story than only seeing one. You can expect that you will sometimes have different perspectives. But when you find an extreme divergent POV is commonplace with the guy you’re dating, you have to ask yourself if you want to continue costarring in this movie with him. While it might make it big at the box office, you don’t want to live in “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.”

    * Wikipedia’s description of “eye witness.”

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  • Ignore dating rule #1 at your peril

    Rule #1Rule #1 actually applies to life, not just dating. It earned its exalted status as #1 during a family reunion.

    It was day two of the three-day reunion. Already those with “strong” (e.g., obnoxious) personalities were starting to get to some of us. A handful of us met for breakfast just to have some non-irritating conversation.

    It began with venting about what the “challenging” ones had said or done that got on our nerves. “How could he say that?” one asked. “If he would just learn to keep his mouth shut,” responded another. After hearing the frustration others’ behavior caused all of us, I had an epiphany.

    “For our own sanity, we have to remember one thing: The only person you can change is yourself.”

    They didn’t quite drop to their knees in reverence of this wise sage before them, but they did stop to consider the concept. We dubbed it “Rule #1” and agreed when another was frustrated with one of the vexing ones, we’d gently whisper “Remember Rule #1” in the ear of the stressed one.

    It worked to not allow some thoughtless and unkind comments to escalate, as the recipient just breathed and focused on what she could do to shift her irritation.

    What does this have to do with dating?

    Many fights start after someone has gotten on your last nerve. Their irksome behaviors fester until you can stand it no longer. If this is a guy you’re dating, it can be ugly and turn lethal for the relationship. Voicing your irritation — while you are irritated — can devolve into words that sever trust. Dating involves your becoming increasingly vulnerable, and if trust is broken, it is very difficult to repair.

    The ideal is to reframe the behavior. (See “Turn your liabilities into assets” and “Being ‘in wonder’ about your date’s behavior.”) For example, a friend complained that her boyfriend sometimes tells her what to do. She could continue to get irritated at this behavior. Even after talking to him about it, he changed only slightly. So she has a choice: She can continue to get irritated and snap at him, or stop seeing him. Or she can think what positive reasons he might have for behaving that way.

    For example, he wants his girlfriend to be successful at whatever she does. However, she’s not a detail person so he’s noticed she sometimes forgets the little things and then has to go back and fix them. He is more detail-oriented and sees the missing pieces. When he points out the missing details, he is trying to be helpful. He means well. In a twisted way, this is one way he shows his love for her. He’s not implying she is stupid.

    Now if he really thinks she’s stupid, that’s another matter (and posting!). But if we are able to see the love under a behavior, it makes it easier to not get irritated.

    Granted, not all irritating behaviors are based on love. Some are a result of low social skills, low self-esteem, or psychological problems. The person is so wrapped up in his/her own world, s/he has no clue that what they said is hurtful or bothersome. And while I believe that as adults no one can verbally hurt you without your permission, there are times that concept is put to the test. When someone you care about and trust says mean things to you, it is hard to not get hurt.

    Next time your date does something annoying, it is okay to talk to him about it — only when you’re not still annoyed. (See “When do you tell your date about irritants?“)

    But practice seeing if it might actually be a way he’s showing his connection or caring for you. If he continues to tell you lame jokes, realize his wanting to entertain you is his way of showing his affection. His expression of caring will take many forms, some of which aren’t to your liking. If he’s mature and sane, he’ll want to focus on the actions that get the result he wants — your returned affection. But know that some behaviors that are irritating to you, may have been encouraged by past dates/girlfriends/wives.

    Make it a game you play with yourself to see if you can find something positive in the negative.

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  • Expressing your upset with your guy

    When conflict occurs in a personal relationship, it’s easy to blame the other. In my communication seminars I teach a 4-step method* for telling someone you’re upset with something they’ve done or said.

    The second step is “Express how you feel.” We give the participants the sentence stem, “When you …, I feel ….” Even after explaining that the “I feel” part is for you to express your emotion —psychic frustrated, upset, sad, disrespected, disappointed, etc. — people typically tend to twist this into blaming: “I feel you don’t really care what I want,” “I feel you’re lazy,” “I feel you’re just not trying very hard.” This is called “mind reading” as you really don’t know what’s going on in the other person’s mind unless you ask. So unless you’re a psychic, avoid mind reading!

    A formula or technique can be easy to understand and easy to practice in a classroom role play. It’s quite another thing when you are in the heat of the moment with someone you care about. Your training and knowledge seem to easily fly out the window. It’s happened to me even though I teach the method! It can take all your focus to put into practice something you know well when you’re emotionally plugged in, as your ability is impaired to detach enough to search your knowledgebase and act calmly and rationally.

    So what to do? Ideally, when you find yourself getting too emotionally upset to think clearly, you express that you need to take a breather to compose your thoughts. Don’t just walk away or hang up, but explain what you’re doing. Again, I haven’t practiced what I preach 100% of the time and I am upset with myself when I don’t implement what I know works.

    The concept of taking a breather is called “buying time.” You tell him, “I want to resolve this, but I’m not thinking clearly now. I’m going to take a walk around the block and we can pick this up in 15 minutes.” It gives both of you a chance to think through what you’re feeling, how to express it and what you want to happen. Sometimes you may need a day or two. Let him know you aren’t just abandoning the conversation or bailing on him.

    Stating a reconvening time frame is important. Otherwise it is too easy to just go away and either not come back or pretend nothing has happened. Then the resentment just festers. It feels like this isn’t an important issue. And while it may not be important to one of you, if it’s important to the other it should be given attention from both out of respect for the one who brought it up.

    What have you found works when you’re having an emotionally charged conversation (e.g., fight) with the guy you’re dating?

    * The method is called the DESC Script. This stands for Describe, Express, Specify (what you want to happen), and Consequences (state what positive will happen if the change happens). This method was developed by Sharon and Gordon Bower.

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