He suggests getting naked — for the second date!

It’s not what you think. Yes, he suggested getting naked, although he didn’t say it that bluntly.

We had a first date three weeks ago. We had talked on the phone once a week for a month, but then we both had foreign travel and we couldn’t meet before then. We met for lunch and didn’t run out of interesting things to discuss.

Afterward, he left for another 2-week trip, arriving home yesterday and called today. At the end of the hour-long chat he suggested we get together in two weeks when he returns from his next trip. His proposal? We soak in a special enzyme tub for two at his favorite spa, then dinner afterwards.

Hmm. Getting naked on the second date? I don’t know.

I know that one can wear a bathing suit even in a private spa tub, but it seems a bit prudish. But then getting naked with a man — even knowing sex is not expected nor implied — seems rushing things a bit. There would be no hanky panky, as an attendant would be regularly bringing us a special tea and cold compresses for our foreheads.

If this were Europe, it would be no big deal for most people. But many Americans, including me, are a tad modest at first.

Is this a test to see where I am on the naturalist/prude continuum? An opportunity for him to check out the “goods” before becoming too involved? I don’t know. In the hours we’ve spent on the phone he’s never been inappropriate, suggestive, or even flirty. In fact, during lunch I wasn’t sure if he’d contact me again because there was no flirtation on his part. So he’s not being a letch — I don’t think — by suggesting a couple’s soak.

This has taken me by surprise, as I’ve not had anyone else suggest an activity so, well, intimate, so early in the dating cycle. Before I agree to any part of his invitation, I will tell him I’m a bit uncomfortable with this activity so early in our getting to know each other. I’ll suggest that we either have separate soaks, or just skip the spa this time and do something else together that entails keeping our clothes on.

Have you received an invitation for something a bit too intimate for your comfort level in the early stages of getting to know a man? If so, how did you deal with it?


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17 responses to “He suggests getting naked — for the second date!”

  1. Toni Avatar

    I think you just have to be true to yourself – in this case, tell him that you are slower than he is to get into the tub. If he’s really interested then he’ll understand. I once had a man ask me to his house for dinner for our second date…and I told him beforehand that I wasn’t into casual sex and he needed to know that wasn’t going to happen – that in past I’ve gone to a man’s house and he’s expected intimacy and it was uncomfortable for me. When I told him, this man said no problem – he’d be a perfect gentleman, and he was, and we went on to eventually over time have great sex, when i was ready.

  2. Samantha Avatar

    Nah… I dont like being pushed in to something like that right away. Any time something has been suggested that I’m not comfortable with, I don’t take it seriously and respond with a little laugh and maybe an ‘oh!’ and say I’m a little shy and would feel comfortable continuing to get to know him by just seeing/chatting/going for a hike, then say ‘OK?’. I say ‘OK?’ so I get immediate feedback from him. I want to hear his tone of voice and get a feel for his reaction. It’s much more important to me that he cares about my comfort and I would need to make sure he reacted to my ‘no’ in a way that made me feel comfortable. If he acts weird, I would stop right there. It would give you a lot of insight.

  3. Emily Booth Avatar
    Emily Booth

    Whatever happened to dinner and a movie?

  4. Dating Goddess Avatar

    Emily: Actually, I was thrilled at first that he thought beyond dinner and a movie. That is nice every once in a while, but so many of the men I’ve dated have thought that was the ONLY option for a date. Ugh. Either that or bring in take out and watch a DVD, which again is fine once in a while. So until I realized the nekked part, I thought “how creative and romantic.” Then it struck me that we’d have to undress. When I was in college it was common to all jump in a hot tub naked. But now middle age has set in. I think about it more cautiously.

  5. Seductress Within Avatar

    I find this guy intriguing.
    Even though he’s always been on the up & up with no sexual hints or flirting and the spa isn’t overtly sexual either, it’s definitely sensual.

    That not necessarily a bad thing.
    Is he easing toward the sexual arena in a more subtle way?
    Is he just a romantic and a sensualist and has no alterior motive?

    If I did agree to it, I’d have a conversation first about my sexual boundaries and request both of you wear a bathing suit, not because you are a prude, but a lady and you two hardly know each other.

    Or I might tell him that I’d love to share that with him but *later* after you’ve been dating awhile.

    It all depends on the vibes you have with him.

    I went to a party on a beach as a first date once and we walked along the shore away from everyone else and he suggested we take a moonlit skinny dip. I was young and adventurous but I still said no. I knew for him-it was a lead in toward sex and I wasn’t going there.

  6. Cindi Avatar

    As I always say: speak YOUR truth from YOUR heart in LOVE and you can never go wrong. If you’re uncomfortable something is triggering that. Tell him what’s going on and talk it through. If he’s the man you think he might be, he’ll be cool with that. If not… you learned a great thing.

    Also doesn’t what we do tell him a lot about us? If you are a woman who has boundaries and certain feelings about ‘nakedness’, that’s who you are. Not a Prude just the Dating Goddess!

  7. Mitsy Avatar

    “……When I was in college it was common to all jump in a hot tub naked. But now middle age has set in. I think about it more cautiously.”

    Not sure what college you went to, but that would be a NO WAY proposition for me, at the college level or later. Come to think of it, I wouldn’t share a tub with any guy unless I was in a committed relationship w/him.

  8. Eliza Avatar

    Dear Dating Goddess,

    I think you need to review your friend Jeff Mac’s advice to women in his newly released Manslations book for your answer to why this man is suggesting a naked spa soak. It’s a classy move to be sure, but a move nonetheless.

  9. Dating Goddess Avatar

    Eliza: Hmm. You mean this doesn’t count in the “he wants to spend more time with me” category?

    You are funny! And I am perhaps naive. I guess his letchless demeanor has me fooled!

  10. Samantha Avatar

    Dating Goddess, I think you are right on with your hunches. You should trust your gut, and go with how you feel. You asked about this here, at least this is what I think anyway… because while you want to be open and give him a chance, something didnt feel quite right to you. You don’t have to ask permission to feel uncomfortable about what he suggested or be hard on yourself and wonder if you’re a prude.We do want to be open and give people the benefit of the doubt, but don’t hesitate to just react to a situation according to how it’s making you feel. It’s easy to bypass our own internal compass and want validation. I do it, too. But the more experiences I’ve had dating, the more I’ve learned that it’s just OK to feel the way I feel.

  11. Laura Avatar

    Hi DG! I have been reading you for quite some time now but never left a comment!.

    I know you have travelled a lot, but I don’t know about europeans getting naked in second dates! How did you get that impression? Also, I thought that bathing suits were normal in spas, I mean, I definetely wouldn’t want to go to a spa in a second date if I had to get naked… maybe this is being a confusion? I think it’s an interesting proposition IF no nakedness is involved and there are lots of people around, both staff and other clients.

  12. Dating Goddess Avatar

    Hi Laura: Thanks for commenting.

    My reference to Europeans is their (generally) more relaxed attitude about bodies and nakedness. All those topless/nude beaches and all. At least that’s my impression from visiting there.

    And I checked this spa’s web site and they said that bathing suits are allowed but not required. Even a bathing suit is a bit too revealing for me on a second date. Maybe I’m old fashioned.

    So I’ll suggest we modify his proposal and save this very yummy sounding activity for later on.

  13. Tegan Avatar

    Dating Godesses,

    I would treat it as meeting at the beach for a swim. I would let him know Im not a skinny dipper. If he says he is…. than I would decline. If he acted put off or shut down and said he’d wear trunks… I’d decline. But if he laughs and says well yeah with bathing suits….I’d go.

  14. Samantha Avatar

    DG- Let us know how he reacts to modifying his proposal!

  15. Dating Goddess Avatar

    Epilogue: He called yesterday and said he was going to have his admin set up the appt. at the spa. I said, “About that,” and then told him I thought it was a terrific idea for after we’d been dating a while. I shared that I was a bit uncomfortable getting naked with a man on the second date. He said, “No problem. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. We’ll cook something else up where we can enjoy each other’s company.” Perfect!

  16. Samantha Avatar

    Was there no time at that point for further discussion? I might hang up wondering why he left it at cooking up something.. unless he needs time to ponder upon?

  17. Dating Goddess Avatar

    I had to cut off the conversation to go to an appointment. It was fine. We’ll talk again before we have this second date and find something that works for both of us.