How to trump being dumped

trump cardTo trump: outshine, outclass, upstage, eclipse, surpass, outdo, outperform; beat, better, top, cap; be a cut above, be head and shoulders above, leave standing.

Yesterday, a new friend told me he’d been dumped by his last sweetheart, and was still stinging from it many months later.

Me: What was the reason for the breakup?

He: It was stupid. Because I am fun and engaging with others, my sweetie felt I had the “potential” to cheat. I have never cheated, nor would I. This was all imaginary.

Me: Then your sweetie did you a favor by releasing you. Imagine your life with someone who was jealous about what you had the “potential” to do. This person would be easily riled at your making eye contact, smiling or talking to anyone else, even if you had no intention of cheating. Perhaps your partner would read your emails or text messages, or scrutinize your cell call log. You would live in an ever-present shroud of suspicion. Would you want to live with that?

He: No.

Me: Then in fact, you were done a favor by being released from the clutches of an insecure person, who would have made your life hell if you’d stayed together. How great that you now are available for a trusting, mature, sane person.

He: You sure know how to spin it!

Me: It’s the truth, isn’t it?

He: Yes, but I hadn’t thought of it like that.

Most people don’t. Although being released stings, if you can reframe it, you will be in less pain. There is always more than one way to interpret something, without being delusional. Both our interpretations describe the same outcome: He is single again. My philosophy is to choose the interpretation that leaves you most empowered, not depressed.

So was he dumped? You could say that. Was he released from a partnership with a needlessly jealous, insecure person? Yes. Both are true. Which one leaves him feeling best about himself and ready to meet a great person? The latter.

When you construe something negatively, ask yourself how else it could be interpreted. Choose the option that is still the truth, but leaves you moving forward positively, not leaving you feeling less than.

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3 responses to “How to trump being dumped”

  1. Mitsy Avatar

    I think it takes quite a long time to come to the conclusion that we’re better off without a certain person in our lives when we have been rejected by someone. Sometimes it takes months or even years to actually realize it though.

    The guy I cared about who left town (and me) earlier last year proved to be one of the most heartbreaking experiences I’ve faced in a number of years. There were a lot of issues going on with him and around him. I realized that I had felt the burden of his life problems during the time I was with him but actually could do nothing about them. (He found out he was diabetic and his ex was taking him to court to sue for custody of the daughter all within a two-month period.) Those problems he did not ask for, but he created a lot of other problems in the mix (some having to do with the childcare of his daughter) which he “could” have done something about. Looking back, I can see how immature and selfish he was on so many levels. His own family members can attest to this fact even now. Part of my healing process has come from knowing that his sister and other family members “knew” I was a catch for the guy and hoped we would have stayed together. Seeing how he has mistreated or ignored some of those family members (as well as his daughter) has helped me to see more clearly how self-centered he was and continues to be.

    I was finally able to move on recently and met another guy who did not seem to have the baggage that the last guy had, however, he has now also done a vanishing act.

    After a while, the song and dance gets quite old. The eharmony ads are quite misleading, and I get angry every time I see one. Online dating has proven to be very emotionally draining for me. True, I have had more dates in the last couple years than I have in all my dating years combined, BUT, it seems that the average guy is not all that serious about a long-term relationship. They can say whatever they want in their profile but actually living up to that profile is another thing entirely.

    As a result, I don’t trust too many men and this last guy has only reinforced what I already suspected. Men like playing games and get their kicks out of pretending to be interested long enough for the woman to start to be interested back. THEN, they have 2nd thoughts. They retreat. Gets tiresome. So, I’m through with the online dating…at least for now.

  2. Michele Avatar

    I have been online for about three years now AND have learned many lessons along the way. Sometimes they have been the same lessons over and over again; recently a dear friend told me that you will keep learning the same lessons until you are really ready to have learn. Couple that with having read and reread the book, “Why Men Love Bitches” …harsh title; great insight. I have two lessons I have finally learned 1) stay unattached emotionally as LONG as possible; use the time to get to know the person and refuse to feel the need to choose them until they have CLEARLY chosen you, then and only then do you have to make a choice and even then it doesn’t have to be immediate 2) hold off on sex as long as possible. This one is tough as I am a sensual person, BUT I have learned…

    So the journey of dating after forty continues and honestly it is an enjoyable experience!

  3. Aggressively Single Avatar
    Aggressively Single

    Michele, I like your take and the lesson’s you’ve learned. I’m curious how you have determined they have “clearly chosen you”, and how long have you typically had to remain emotionally unattached? I have that book but haven’t read it yet…