Are you ready for Mr. Great?

At dinner, a date once exclaimed, “Girl, I’m glad you like to eat!” I immediately wondered if I was wolfing down my meal, or if I had ordered too much and he thought I was pigging out. After quickly assessing I’d done neither, I asked what he meant.

Do you have biases about supposed characteristics attributed to a potential suitor’s personality, values and behaviors based on limited information? For example, do you think lawyers are hard-nosed and blood thirsty? Accountants are boring? Men over X age are sluggish and out of shape? Short men are…; tall men are…; men born abroad are…; men raised in certain religious traditions are….

No matter how open you like to think yourself to be, it is rare to not have some stereotypes based upon your experiences or your friends’ experiences. Even if you feel you are unaffected by the media’s depiction of certain professions, races, body types, religious backgrounds, etc., it is hard to not begin to lump men with similarities into some pigeonholes.

DG reader Sherri asks:

I recently met a man online who had one arm. We talked on email and by phone for about a month before meeting because we live 60 miles apart. When I finally met him, he was cute, funny, smart — but I could not get past the disability, which was more unusual than it appeared in the picture he’d posted.

As the date progressed, it seemed that he could tell that I was withdrawing because he seemed to get more and more needy, trying too hard to please. We parted, he asked to see me again, I said “sure” because I just couldn’t bear telling him to his face that there was no connection. When I got home, I immediately emailed him and said that I didn’t feel there was a romantic connection, wished him well, and thanked him for the date. He emailed 6 more times before finally fading away.

I feel really crummy about this — shallow and hurtful. I’ve told myself that it was his neediness that turned me off, but deep down inside I know that I’d shut down because of his disability. Is this something you’ve ever experienced? Or known anyone who has? I’d love some feedback — not to try to change the way I feel about the man, but to better understand my own visceral reaction. I mean, it’s the soul and heart of the person is what’s important, right? Am I alone in my reaction?

“I like you better now than when you were married,” a professional acquaintance shared recently.

It was a surprising statement from someone I didn’t know well. But it got me thinking. How am I different than I was 5 years ago when my ex left? What has caused the change? Do I like me more now?

As I reflected on his comment and my answers to the questions, I realized I was different. How am I different in ways this colleague might notice, since he only sees me twice a year at our professional association meetings? I think I am more playful and flirtatious. I’m willing to wear sexier attire at our formal events. I think I smile more and am less up tight.

Lately I’ve noticed myself getting angry with men I’m getting to know. The causes can be varied: he doesn’t call when he says he will, he doesn’t call for weeks then acts like we talked yesterday, he gets too fresh too soon, he doesn’t honor my stated boundaries, he makes assumptions without checking them out with me.

I hear myself saying — generally in my mind afterward — “You can’t treat me like that.” Sometimes I speak up in the moment, but sometimes I don’t know how to say what’s on my mind without sounding accusatory. Or sometimes I haven’t articulated my feelings or thoughts until after the incident.

It is easy, I notice, to blame him: “How dare he..,” “How could he…,” “How could he think that what he said/did would be acceptable?”

[googmonify]8790107066:right:120:600[/googmonify]Within a few weeks of my ex announcing he was leaving, these four words came to me while I was sleeping. I want to say they were in a dream, but they were so vivid and clear it was as if they were said by someone standing next to my bed.

While I was still in deep grief over the dissolution of my marriage, they gave me a perspective — even hope — that all would be fine once it was over.

On this New Year’s Day 4.5 years after my hearing them, they take on new meaning. Perhaps this year will be one of fresh starts and new beginnings for you, starting now.

I know it’s clichéd. Talking about New Year’s resolutions on New Year’s Eve. Ho hum. How original — not!

But I heard a BBC World Service report that made me think differently about resolutions — especially dating resolutions.

“Give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way." ~Native American prayer Since it's Thanksgiving week here in the US, this quote held significance for not only giving thanks for…