Sometimes it’s about you; sometimes it’s not

In dating, it’s easy to take things personally if there are problems or hiccups. Sometimes the guy you’re seeing does or says something that is a reflection of his attitude toward you, and you take offense.

But often his behavior has nothing to do with you. It’s harder to realize this when he attributes positive feelings to you that would be impossible to come by after only a meeting or two.

I learned this when a man I went out with once told me he loved me at the end of the date. It happened again yesterday.

Review of “All Men Are Jerks”

All Men Are Jerks — Until Proven Otherwise: A Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men by Daylle Deanna Schwartz

I was put off by the title of this book, just as I had been with Why Men Love Bitches. It turns out both books are full of sound advice, but their publishers must have decided inflammatory titles would get more buzz.

I abhor the title as I don’t think all men are jerks, and hate the idea of encouraging women in perpetuating this man-bashing concept. The author explains that both genders can be jerks, but I’m sure “Everyone Is a Jerk” would not have sold many copies.

Rejecting preconceived notions

Do you have biases about supposed characteristics attributed to a potential suitor’s personality, values and behaviors based on limited information? For example, do you think lawyers are hard-nosed and blood thirsty? Accountants are boring? Men over X age are sluggish and out of shape? Short men are…; tall men are…; men born abroad are…; men raised in certain religious traditions are….

No matter how open you like to think yourself to be, it is rare to not have some stereotypes based upon your experiences or your friends’ experiences. Even if you feel you are unaffected by the media’s depiction of certain professions, races, body types, religious backgrounds, etc., it is hard to not begin to lump men with similarities into some pigeonholes.

Dating with disabilities

DG reader Sherri asks:

I recently met a man online who had one arm. We talked on email and by phone for about a month before meeting because we live 60 miles apart. When I finally met him, he was cute, funny, smart — but I could not get past the disability, which was more unusual than it appeared in the picture he’d posted.

As the date progressed, it seemed that he could tell that I was withdrawing because he seemed to get more and more needy, trying too hard to please. We parted, he asked to see me again, I said “sure” because I just couldn’t bear telling him to his face that there was no connection. When I got home, I immediately emailed him and said that I didn’t feel there was a romantic connection, wished him well, and thanked him for the date. He emailed 6 more times before finally fading away.

I feel really crummy about this — shallow and hurtful. I’ve told myself that it was his neediness that turned me off, but deep down inside I know that I’d shut down because of his disability. Is this something you’ve ever experienced? Or known anyone who has? I’d love some feedback — not to try to change the way I feel about the man, but to better understand my own visceral reaction. I mean, it’s the soul and heart of the person is what’s important, right? Am I alone in my reaction?

Do you like yourself better now?

I love me“I like you better now than when you were married,” a professional acquaintance shared recently.

It was a surprising statement from someone I didn’t know well. But it got me thinking. How am I different than I was 5 years ago when my ex left? What has caused the change? Do I like me more now?

As I reflected on his comment and my answers to the questions, I realized I was different. How am I different in ways this colleague might notice, since he only sees me twice a year at our professional association meetings? I think I am more playful and flirtatious. I’m willing to wear sexier attire at our formal events. I think I smile more and am less up tight.

Are you angry with him — or yourself?

angerLately I’ve noticed myself getting angry with men I’m getting to know. The causes can be varied: he doesn’t call when he says he will, he doesn’t call for weeks then acts like we talked yesterday, he gets too fresh too soon, he doesn’t honor my stated boundaries, he makes assumptions without checking them out with me.

I hear myself saying — generally in my mind afterward — “You can’t treat me like that.” Sometimes I speak up in the moment, but sometimes I don’t know how to say what’s on my mind without sounding accusatory. Or sometimes I haven’t articulated my feelings or thoughts until after the incident.

It is easy, I notice, to blame him: “How dare he..,” “How could he…,” “How could he think that what he said/did would be acceptable?”

Fresh start. New beginning.

[googmonify]8790107066:right:120:600[/googmonify]Fresh startWithin a few weeks of my ex announcing he was leaving, these four words came to me while I was sleeping. I want to say they were in a dream, but they were so vivid and clear it was as if they were said by someone standing next to my bed.

While I was still in deep grief over the dissolution of my marriage, they gave me a perspective — even hope — that all would be fine once it was over.

On this New Year’s Day 4.5 years after my hearing them, they take on new meaning. Perhaps this year will be one of fresh starts and new beginnings for you, starting now.