If his stories don’t add up, subtract yourself

When we begin to date someone, nearly always he is a stranger. Even if you meet through friends, work, class, church or other activities, you most likely barely know him. While you want to be open and trusting, you also want to be conscious of inconsistencies that point to him not being who he represents himself to be. It is hard to balance giving someone the benefit of a doubt with being overly suspicious.

But when his actions or stories don’t add up, then take yourself out of the equation.

Here are some things you should note, although singularly an item could mean nothing. But if there are a number of these, proceed very cautiously or extricate yourself all together.

  • His phone has caller ID blocked.
  • His cell phone has an area code from another state although he says he’s never lived there.
  • He never answers his phone when you call. He calls you back minutes, hours or days later.
  • He only calls you from his car or work, never home.
  • He texts you long conversations rather than calling you.
  • After months of dating, he’s never invited you to his house.
  • After two months of dating regularly, he hasn’t introduced you to any of his friends.
  • After several months of dating he won’t give you his address.
  • He prefers to bring take out to your house or have you fix dinner rather than take you out.
  • You don’t hear from him for several days even though you usually connect daily. When you finally do and ask what he’s been up to, he is evasive about where he’s been.
  • He only wants to meet you for weekday lunches, not dinner.
  • He professes to care for you deeply but repeatedly treats you disrespectfully or regularly ignores your desires.
  • He lives nearby, is retired, and tells you daily how much he misses you but makes only minor efforts to see you.

Inconsistencies are how we tell if someone is untrustworthy. Most people either don’t notice them or shrug them off. I have been guilty of noticing them but ignoring them if I liked a guy a lot. But that has caused a lot of pain as he’s ended up taking me for a ride which I had indications was coming. And it was not a fun ride — more like a bucking mechanical bull. Getting bucked off something you knew wasn’t real but pretended was is not only painful, but humiliating.

So don’t ignore the signs that something is amiss. Keep your logic cap on and notice when something doesn’t make sense. Ask about it with curiosity, not confrontation. If enough answers don’t make sense, then move on. You need to be with someone you can trust explicitly, not always wonder if he’s lying to you or not.


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4 responses to “If his stories don’t add up, subtract yourself”

  1. Devon Avatar

    Very good advice. Print it and hang it in on your refrigerator. I think that often when women return to the dating pool after a long absence, we tend to overlook the flaws, areas of incompatibilty and inconsistencies in our “man of the moment”. Time and experience are good teachers.

  2. rkintn Avatar

    It’s been my experience that most of those on that list don’t come singularly. I agree with Devon except it isn’t just women new to the dating pool again that tend to overlook or excuse flaws, inconsistencies and areas of incompatibility. I would say most women are nurturers and it seems to come naturally to us to put others before ourselves, even to the point of overlooking obvious problems in a guy we really like. That trait in women often times tends to override time and experience. I am printing out that list and taping it to my fridge:)

  3. nysharon Avatar

    I love the title. You are so clever DG. (Add, he always pays in cash and turns his cell off when at home or leaves it in the car)Reminds me of my bf who met a guy online who was a widower (she died in a car crash and he was left with the children) and lived in Westchester. All of the above happened to my friend to her denial. Then he set me up with a friend of his from work (duh)–who told me not only was the guy married, but lived in Rockland with his wife, two kids, and had a different last name. Some guys will do this and decide to tell you the truth after you are “in love” hoping that you will continue the charade and/or “wait” for them till they staighten out the situation.

  4. Robert Avatar

    You are describing a friend of mine on an online dating site to a T. The guy did everything above. He just didn’t tell her HE WAS MARRIED !