Living a R&B song

R&BI love R&B music. It is romantic, sexy, vulnerable and has a danceable beat. So it is icing on the cake that Radio Guy, the newest guy in my life, is a R&B disc jockey. In addition to having a melodious voice, his words and actions reflect the R&B he’s listened to five hours a day for 30 years. Did he have these sensibilities before and chose a job that reflected his perspective on life? Or did the music help shape his point of view?

In “How does music affect your dating?” I pondered how our music druthers affect our love preferences. The male R&B singers seem to have no problem expressing their feelings — love, adoration, attraction. Much more so than men I’ve met in real life. Is it because they are more poetic than regular guys, or is it just they know what sells?

Radio Guy has no problem expressing his feelings, even when they aren’t macho. He’s shared grief at a close aunt’s recent passing, his compassion for her only surviving son’s sorrow, his exhilaration at a new job offer, and — my favorite — his feelings toward me. He’s able to share what’s going on with him authentically, in a way that most men I’ve known less than a week would have difficulty.

So far, it feels like I’m living in a R&B song. He tells me what he likes and admires about me and how much he wants to have it work out with us. Luckily, he doesn’t recite lyrics from songs as come on lines. He treats me tenderly in person and on the phone. It makes it easy for me to tell him what I like about him.

In contrast, I dated a man who was so guarded I wondered why he continued to ask me out. On date five (four were low-key dinner-and-DVD dates), he made a comment about how he was “pursuing” me. I was taken aback, and said, “You’re pursuing me?” I had no idea, since he wasn’t affectionate verbally or physically. I thought he enjoyed my company so liked to hang out with me, but he never complimented me or made any wooing gestures.

Are you drawn to men who express their feelings? I find it compelling, as you don’t have to guess where he stands. Granted, someone could lie and use well-rehearsed lines. But those guys are pretty easy to spot.

And who knows, if Radio Guy goes poof I may switch over to Country where the songs are a bit more about disappointments and love lost.

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6 responses to “Living a R&B song”

  1. bookyone Avatar

    Hi DG,

    “Are you drawn to men who express their feelings?”

    Yes, yes and yes! I absolutely can’t stand it when a guy is so low key and/or aloof that I have to wonder about or guess at his feelings for me; (I got tired of playing guessing games many, many moons ago, about the same time I got tired of ‘Marco Polo’ and ‘Red Light, Green Light,’ if memory serves me). If I had to choose between Mr. Cold As Ice and Mr. Mushy Gushy, I’d choose the mushy guy every time, (although I am a diehard romantic, so maybe this has something to do with it). 🙂

    Good luck with Radio Guy, he sounds perfect! And as an added bonus, if you two wind up tying the knot, you won’t have to look too far for a DJ for the reception… 🙂

    Best wishes from bookyone 🙂

  2. Sassy Avatar

    Just last night the Social Worker and I decided not to date any more. I’m sad and sorry, but it was for good personal reasons (he has 3 young children and I have none; he has two jobs and very little free time).

    I think in the long run, it was the right decision, but I also feel very angry. We’ve only been dating 2 months, but he immediately jumped in with both feet telling me that he “adored me, ” “was crazy about me, ” “loved me.” While I believe he was sincere at the time and I was happy for someone who could vocalize his thoughts, I feel that sometimes these thoughts need time to really develop. It’s fine that you feel as you do, but be mindful of what impact expressing your feelings can mean, especially early.

  3. PreviouslyQueenofE Avatar

    I feel for you, and can identify with what you describe. The last guy I dated jumped in like that at first – he swept me off my feet, although he did make me uncomfortable with his spoken and unspoken assumptions that I would be living with him before long. I finally had to tell him to cut it out. The four month relationship went something like this: he wooed me like mad for one month; the second month, the real him came out and the real me went into hiding, and I was waiting for a certain social event to pass before breaking it off; then his daughter had a rollover car accident, so I couldn’t break up with him then; then we had a disagreement and he finished up the last month we were together being rather cruel to me, demeaning, belittling, avoiding intimacy and communication, and then broke up with me because he had no “passion” for me. So while I KNOW it was the right decision, and in fact felt it was my “get out of jail free card” (Thank you DG), I too felt angry at the way he just went into overdrive at first. Normally I’m the one going off the deep end. Believe me, this experience taught me to keep my feelings carefully slowed down and unexpressed until truly developed!

  4. Catherine Avatar

    I think there is a difference between what DG is talking about, a man who can express his thoughts and feelings, and the guys that Sassy and Queen are describing.

    The first one is emotionally available and mature, he knows himself and can share his innermost thoughts with his friends and people that he is wanting to become closer with.

    The second type of man is not really in touch with himself, but with the idea or impression that he wants to present to the world. That is why he woos with words and phrases that are too much too soon (never accept that a man really “loves” you in the first 2 months, it can’t possibly be “real and lasting love”), and is trying to sweep you off your feet. He really is too good to be true as you find out in the long run.

    There is a HUGE difference between these two types of men and it is easy to get caught in the second man’s web. A wise woman will seek the first type and avoid the second like the plague!

  5. Rod Avatar

    Preach it, Catherine!

  6. Sassy Avatar

    Catherine, Thank you for your smart words.

    I think the SW is a generous, kind man who was just caught up in a very emotional “lightning” bolt of feelings. While I’m angry, I’m working to be understanding that his words were sincere at the time. And yes, he should have been more mature and tempering his words. And I called him on it.

    An update: the SW called this morning and asked if we could start dating again, slowly and more in line with people who’ve known each other only 8 weeks. After we talked about some expectations (this is not a booty call or entertainment thing), we agreed to see each other casually. I’m happy with this outcome and will see where it takes both of us.