Traditional advice tells you to steer clear of these three topics early in a dating relationship. But after a man asked me on a first date to briefly describe my attitude about each of these issues, I saw the wisdom of broaching them right away.
He’d shared with me that on a first date with a doctor, she got embarrassed at the use of the word “sex.” After a dozen phone conversations, emails and IMs with him and during our coffee date, I experienced him as a gentleman, never salacious or raunchy, so I doubted he had been with her. By her reaction, both verbal and nonverbal, he deduced she was uncomfortable discussing the subject philosophically, even though he wasn’t asking her preferences or experience, just her general attitude. It told him she was not as relaxed about the topic as he needed in a sweetheart. He didn’t date her again.
I saw the need to understand a potential suitor’s position on politics when having a drink with a man who hadn’t listed a political preference in his profile. We were having a nice time until politics entered the discussion. He commented that a current high-ranking politician was one of the most brilliant men ever in that position. I nearly spit my wine across the table since this was the most ridiculous assessment I’d ever heard. I laughed, as I thought surely he was being sarcastic. He wasn’t. It was good to find out that we had 180-degree opposite political perspectives and we needn’t waste any future time getting to know each other.
Some couples like James Carville and Mary Matalin can endure having opposite political points of view, but I would grow weary constantly debating such polar perspectives. You can agree not to discuss them, of course, but it would be hard for such glaring differences not to leak out.
For six months I dated a man with very different religious views. At first it wasn’t an issue, but as we got to know each other more he insisted I go to confession — even though I’m not Catholic — to cleanse my sins. When I informed him I was not going to confession, he told me he was concerned because he didn’t want my soul to go to hell. He could not understand how anyone could believe differently. Needless to say, this was a part of why I broke off our relationship — not that we had different religious practices, but that there wasn’t room for each others’ beliefs.
When the gentleman asked my overview of the three topics, I saw that he was trying not to waste either of our time if we felt the others’ perspective was a deal breaker. He shared his point of view as well, and we both were fine about the others’ position.
I now try to initiate a similar discussion before I agree to meet a man. I don’t want minute details on his sexual preferences, political leanings, or religious practices, but if his overview tells me he is off the scale of my comfort level, best to not even meet. I’ve been disappointed when I’ve taken time to learn about a man and meet him — or even date him for weeks or months — then learn he has views or practices that are repellent to me — especially if he expects me to participate in them.
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Comments
6 responses to “Politics, religion and sex — oh my!”
I now try to initiate a similar discussion before I agree to meet a man. I don’t want minute details on his sexual preferences, political leanings, or religious practices, but if his overview tells me he is off the scale of my comfort level, best to not even meet. I’ve been disappointed when I’ve taken time to learn about a man and meet him — or even date him for weeks or months — to then learn he has views or practices that are repellent to me — especially if he expects me to participate in them.
HI DG,
I agree 110% with the above! As a non-practicing spiritualist, I’m not comfortable with those who are overly religious; the same goes for political fanatics of the right wing variety, as I am a diehard liberal. Considering I live in the South at present, it’s not surprising to me that I’m single or that the vast majority of eligible men in my age range are not my cup of tea.
IMHO, it’s time to move back up North if I expect to meet my Prince Chow Mein or any man for that matter with similar values and interests as this native NYer. 🙂
Happy hunting and hugs from bookyone 🙂
Just a note to bookyone (above.) I live in the south too, and have similar aversions to right-wing religiosity and political leanings. I also despaired of my chances to find someone compatible in this area of the country. But I did! Actually, I found two of them– dated one for two years and split up for other reasons, and have now found someone I think is my “prince.” On the internet! So you just never know…
I think two reasonable people can have opposing political views and be ok, although there will be a few touchy months during Presidential elections like the one we are in the midst of.
The religious and sex thing could be more difficult to navigate, though.
That said, I prefer to be with someone who shares political views similar to my own. It means I don’t have to bite my tongue as much.
Ah the travails, once again, of internet dating, where so often one is truly flying blind. If one is dating co-workers or friends of friends, these three areas, particularly politics and religion, become less of an issue from the outset because you’ll already know have a sense of that because of the way in which you’ve met the person, through work or through friends/relatives. You’ll usually know before even agreeing to a date whether or not that person has political views or religious views that are a dealbreaker for you.
But asking these kinds of questions upfront of a complete stranger, over the phone, before even meeting, wow, that’s a tough one. It really puts people on the defensive, making them feel like they’re being interviewed for a job or being interrogated. Too many people still believe the myth that they will find their “soul mate” effortlessly and they bristle at the idea that the person on the other end of the phone is sitting there taking notes and ruthlessly checking off items on a list.
Anyway, I still think you can ask these questions and still wind up with a lemon. Also, there are a lot of politically apathetic people out there. They may not share your political views but they also may not have any solid views of their own. They’re like political agnostics who don’t really care one way or the other about who is in office. I guess they’re called “independents.” Ha!
I just started doing this sort of screening as well, after a frustrating month-long relationship in which I finally found out that the man and I had opposing views on exclusivity and intimacy. It’s much simpler to ask these questions up front, via email or on the phone before we meet. I make it into a question-and-answer game where I can ask whatever I want and he has to answer first and then ask a question of his own. Of course you can still end up with a lemon, like the apathetic man who does not have any solid views of his own, unless you just pass him by and keep looking for one with convictions you can admire or at least be comfortable with.
DG: I am on DAY 7 of on line dating. YES I did it. I went to a wedding alone last weekend, and decided to try it again. On this subject, I think you can often read behind the lines of their profile. Or you can use that as a door opener. Agreed with all of the above comments.
Bookyone: Why don’t you volunteer some time for the elections getting young voters involved or driving elderly to the polls. It would be a great way to get out there and meet men of your political beliefs in the South. The Obama campaign is looking for help in the swing states, particulaly Florida. If you go to the web site there are options for just weekend help and who to call in your area. They arrange for you. I live in NY and they are looking for help in PA. Just a thought.