After dating now nearly 2 years, I’ve learned how to weed out many men who aren’t good matches. Why meet and waste both our time? Men have to go through a few hoops to earn a date with me — even if it’s just a coffee date. I have more invitations than I have time or want to accept. So I’ve learned to “qualify” my potential dates, and even so, a few get through that I shouldn’t have accepted.
There are two main hoops: email and phone.
Emails. They have to be engaging and he has to appear he read mine. I’ve grown fond of men through their emails. I’ve also been turned off. It’s best when the exchange is an ongoing conversation and he refers back to previous emails. It’s even better when he’s witty, funny, and flirty. I like banter. If his emails are terse, few-word sentences, it doesn’t bode well. And if there are too many typos or grammatical errors, not good. If the dating site’s email system doesn’t have spell check and he doesn’t care enough to compose in Word and check before sending, a big yellow flag obscures his profile.
Some men take flirty emails to a sexual level. I’ve had some ask my bra cup size and other extremely personal preferences before even meeting me. Not that it would be OK after meeting me, but presumed intimacy way too early is a deal breaker.
One man’s fun ongoing riff on the goddess theme earned him many points. He even attached goddess pictures and made fun god/goddess references. Since he is a Pisces, he claimed that he was Neptune, which then spawned a series of flirty “Is that a trident in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?” comments. I was fond of him before we met, and forgave some things that were otherwise deal breakers because of his fun emails.
If his emails are fun and nearly typo-free (I let a few through myself, I know), then he gets my phone number. But only after a few exchanges and/or a few days. People’s true colors can come out pretty quickly and I don’t want to give my number to a wacko.
Calls. If the first call is strained and he doesn’t know how to have a two-way conversation, I pass on a face-to-face. (See my posting about calls.) If he dominates the conversation, I know it doesn’t matter if I show up or not, as he’s not interested in learning about me. If he’s argumentative or condescending, bye bye birdie. If he asks questions like one guy did, “At what point would you feel comfortable getting intimate? The first date?” “No.” “The second date?” “No.” “The third date?” “Probably not,” he’s history. If he only talks about things you have no interest in and you can’t find some common interest areas, sayonara.
If he rants about how women lie on their profiles, are too fat, he talks negatively about women in general or how he still fights with his ex, best to bid him farewell before even meeting. If he tells you of his financial woes, or how his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend have him tied up in litigation, best to let this one go. If he is jobless or still lives at home, bon voyage.
Once he passes these hurdles, we can have a coffee date. See my posting “Start with coffee” to understand why.
How do you qualify your potential dates? What does a guy need to do to earn a date with you? Share in a comment.