Posted inAre you ready for Mr. Great? Dating after 40 Real deal or faux beau

Review of “All Men Are Jerks”

All Men Are Jerks — Until Proven Otherwise: A Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men by Daylle Deanna Schwartz

I was put off by the title of this book, just as I had been with Why Men Love Bitches. It turns out both books are full of sound advice, but their publishers must have decided inflammatory titles would get more buzz.

I abhor the title as I don’t think all men are jerks, and hate the idea of encouraging women in perpetuating this man-bashing concept. The author explains that both genders can be jerks, but I’m sure “Everyone Is a Jerk” would not have sold many copies.

Posted inAssessing your assets Dating after 40 Multidating responsibly

Are you expecting a wild horse to act tame?

DG reader Terri writes:

The middle-aged man I’ve been seeing for a few months is Mr. Spontaneity. He rarely plans anything in his life more than a day in advance, including our getting together. Last week he called me as he was leaving his house — 45-minutes away — and asked if I would have lunch with him. Luckily, I could swing it. I’ve told him I’d like at least a day’s notice, but he doesn’t seem to be able to shift his mind from the here and now. I considered saying “no” to lunch just to show him I’m not always available, but I wanted to see him, and to say no when I was available seemed game playing.

Last night I’d been invited to a small dinner party and invited him to accompany me. I’d told him about it last week and reminded him again a few days ago. He said he had to check something and he’d get back to me. He never did. I texted and called him before I left for the event, but only heard from him an hour ago. He’d gone out of town to visit friends for the weekend, without a word to me.

I was livid thinking how disrespectful this was to not let me know he wouldn’t be attending. When we are together he is the epitome of respectful, kind, and attentive. But when we’re not, he doesn’t call or text for a few days. We’ve discussed how neither of us is interested in seeing others, so I don’t think another woman is taking his focus. I’m not sure what to do. I want to have someone I can depend on to attend social functions, not a fly-by-night lover.

Posted inDating after 40 Real deal or faux beau

News flash: Man goes poof

DG reader Gayle wrote:

I was dating a man, then he quit his job of twenty years and seemed overwhelmed with stuff in his life. However, he kept assuring me we were fine. For months we talked every day — we knew exactly when to get a hold of each other. We had no secrets. I could even be at his place when he wasn’t there. We had many overnights, and talked frequently, confiding very personal stuff.

Then something shifted. I went over to his place, he was home, but avoided me. Then some weird messages, telling me about silly little things. Then nothing for over 2 months. I believe he became depressed. He is over 50, very professional, and all signs indicate he would be completely forthright with any need to split with me.

My conundrum is, do I assume — and there are many indications — that he is depressed and I emotionally support him? Or do I act like I normally would when someone disappears and just move on?

I’ve asked him for a note, email or text to tell me if I should stop contacting him. I made it very clear that I only need to be told once. Then, on the other hand, I’m willing to stick by if it’s a health issue.

What are your thoughts?

Posted inAssessing your assets Dating after 40

Is it persuasion, manipulation or enticement?

Persuasion: a means of persuading someone to do something

Manipulate: control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously

Entice: attract or tempt by offering pleasure or advantage

Yesterday, I was accused of trying to manipulate someone. It threw me for a loop as that was 180% opposite of my intention. Truth be told, I wasn’t even trying to persuade nor entice them. An off-hand comment that I thought was being playful was taken in the worst possible way, and elicited an indictment of my morals, integrity and motives. I was quite taken aback.

It caused me to examine the word and the distinction between persuasion, manipulation or enticement, especially in the context of dating and romantic relationships.

Posted inDating after 40

Skanks-R-Us

You’ve been dating for a while. You’ve had lots of first dates that didn’t evolve to seconds. So your dating numbers seem high to those who’ve been out of the dating scene for years. To them any number over 10 seems outrageous if you exclude anything before age 30.

Posted inDating after 40 Moving on graciously Real deal or faux beau

Should you take him back?

DG reader AG writes:

I recently dated a guy for a few months but then we had a falling out. We tried to discuss it by email and phone since we were both traveling and we couldn’t meet face-to-face. We set a time in a few days to meet to discuss if we should continue. I have mixed feelings, as I really like being with him and he has many, many characteristics I am looking for in a man. But he would go for a week with no contact which made me feel I wasn’t a priority in his life.

How can I determine if I should take him back?

Posted inDating after 40

Review of “Why Hasn’t He Called?”

Having caught myself checking my cell phone a bit too obsessively looking to see if a guy has called or texted, I thought Why Hasn’t He Called would help me gain some perspective.

The married-couple coauthors, Matt Titus and Tamsen Fadal, share the men’s and women’s view, respectively. Matt gives an inside look at what some (many?) men are thinking before, during and after a date. The sad part was how women can totally spin the things a man does into signs he is into her. I am guilty of this. We interpret his chivalry, niceness, laughter and conversational skills as he’s into us. When in reality, according to the co-authors, he’s really just trying to get us into bed.

Posted inDating after 40

Review of “The Spiritual Rules of Engagement”

Many of us gagged upon reading the manipulative games touted in The Rules. We yearned to be authentic with the men we dated, but found that by sharing our feelings toward a man too early, he went poof. We never knew if it was out of fear or boredom that the chase was over.

Enter the book The Spiritual Rules of Engagement by Yehuda Berg, a kabbalah*-teaching man who uses these ancient teachings to tell women how to behave in matters of the heart.

Generally, I like his approach, coming from a spiritual perspective. He corroborates what I’ve read from Alison Armstrong and others: A woman’s job is to receive and a man’s job is to give. His goal is to make her happy and her job is to let him. He is happy when he pleases her.

Posted inAssessing your assets Dating after 40

Are you making bad decisions out of loneliness?

Nearly every unpartnered person gets lonely sometimes. If you long for more social interaction, you will do nearly anything to connect with other human beings. I think it’s why so many people hang out in bars, Starbucks, or the library. (See “What’s your ‘need for affiliation’?“) I didn’t understand why anyone could get any work done in a coffee shop with the loud expresso machines and the constant bustle, but then I realized some people thrive on being near others, even if there’s little interaction.

Posted inDating after 40 Moving on graciously

What’s your relationship recovery time?

“Recovery time” is however long it takes one to return to normal after an event. Whether it’s the time it takes an athlete’s body to return to normal heart rate or hydration after a grueling event, or someone’s return to health after a setback. Or how long it takes for someone to recover after a relationship’s ending.

When I was first divorced I was told it would take 25% of the time I was married to recover and be ready for a serious relationship. I was married for nearly 20 years, so that meant it would take 5 years! I was incredulous. I didn’t want to wait five years to find my next LTR. But here it is at the five year mark and I feel I’m truly ready. I had too much healing and growing to do.

Posted inDating after 40 Real deal or faux beau

Where’s the line between getting your needs met and being selfish?

Midlife daters generally have experience in relationships, and thus negotiating solutions to different relationship desires. However, if you have been unpartnered for a number of years, you are probably used to getting what you want because you haven’t had to take an adult partner’s desires into account.

So let’s say you (or your guy) want something. The other wants something different. Ideally, you find a compromise — without resenting the other. But that is not always possible.

For example: