Having caught myself checking my cell phone a bit too obsessively looking to see if a guy has called or texted, I thought Why Hasn’t He Called would help me gain some perspective.
The married-couple coauthors, Matt Titus and Tamsen Fadal, share the men’s and women’s view, respectively. Matt gives an inside look at what some (many?) men are thinking before, during and after a date. The sad part was how women can totally spin the things a man does into signs he is into her. I am guilty of this. We interpret his chivalry, niceness, laughter and conversational skills as he’s into us. When in reality, according to the co-authors, he’s really just trying to get us into bed.
It reminded me of something a dog trainer friend once told me. She said dogs do what they do to get what they want/need. Humans put meaning on the behaviors. If a dog curls up next to you, wags its tail, goes crazy when you come home from work, humans interpret this as the dog loves us. The bottom line, my friend says, is the dog wants food, petting, and/or warmth. It seems the same with women’s interpreting men’s behaviors as showing caring, affection, and long-term interest, when they really only want sex and perhaps companionship. And maybe food.
The bottom line on why he hasn’t called:
- you’re not a priority to him; he’s not thinking about you or needing to connect with you,
- he’s moved on.
The book points out some ways women sabotage future calls from a guy, some of which I’ve done. For example, they say after a first date the woman should never, ever, make the next contact. This seems a bit The Rules to me. I typically will email a guy after a date thanking him, or if we really hit it off, then a quick “I had a great time” call a few days afterward. The authors say this sounds desperate and needy.
They also say when he calls you shouldn’t tell him it’s nice to hear his voice. I say that a lot! Who knew that sounds needy?
The authors say to go out on a date with another guy as quickly as possible so you’re not sitting around obsessing about guy #1. I think this is sound advice as I’ve too quickly put all my eggs in one basket when I’ve hit it off with someone then had it fizzle.
They cover some things I think are sort of strange for this kind of book. A whole chapter on how to prepare your home for a gentleman visitor. And a whole chapter on how to dress, eat and work out. I can see how tangentially this has to do with a man not calling, but it seems to be filler for a book that should have really been an article.
Should you buy this book? The part where Matt explains what’s going on in a guy’s head before, during and after a date is worth it. But most of the rest could be skimmed. So buy it used or check it out from the library.