The sexual audition

Some people feel it is important to discover if you are sexually compatible before investing a lot of time developing a relationship with someone. Others feel that sex is something that should happen after a firm foundation of trust and caring has been developed.

auditionIf you are in the first camp, then your first time having sex together is a sort of audition. You, and perhaps your partner, are assessing if the other is a good lover, sexually generous and satisfying. What is the proof? There is generally only one way you (or he) determines if there is a match: if whoever is making the determination is satisfied, although some include the others’ satisfaction as part of the criteria.

The rub is that if one of you has a challenge that prevents you from achieving satisfaction, the other is often blamed. Certain medications can impair one’s libido and performance. A man who has ED or can’t be satisfied blames the woman. If he experiences this more than a time or two, he ends the relationship. He will either become obnoxious to make the woman break up with him, or he’ll walk away, making up lame excuses.

Perhaps he is embarrassed that he can’t perform. Or it takes him a long time. Or he has to start over several times. Or little he does seems to excite you. Or it’s not enough.

It can be frustrating because you’re drawn to each other enough to want to get closer sexually. If you both are willing to work on it, to talk about it without blame or embarrassment, sometimes the situation can be changed. But if this is a part of a romantic relationship that is important to you, unless something shifts, perhaps it’s best to admit that the audition is a failure and move on.

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