Too-soon seduction: “I’m special, but not THAT special”

My pal shared his counter-stereotypical challenge: Women tried to seduce him before he felt the relationship merited it. Most of my dating men friends have stated they were ready for sex much sooner than the women they dated. Therefore I knew this pal was a rarity worth studying.

So I probed.

He explained that when a woman tries to get him to “go horizontal” on the first, second, or third date, he feels it’s too soon. The common thread is she tells him she never gets sexual this early in a relationship, but he is special. Thus his comment to me that he knows he’s special, but not that special so as to cause a supposedly discerning woman to abandon her hard-won wisdom to hold off on sex until in a solid relationship. He knows they haven’t created the bond that is needed for sex to be anything but manipulative or a romp, neither of which interests him. He surmises that she is easy and uses the “you’re special” comment to justify her looseness.

Some women, he explained, have tried to use their womanly wiles to advance the relationship physically before it has adequately developed emotionally. He knows this is sure trouble if he allows physical urges to trump the slower progressing emotional and intellectual ones. He’s clear this takes time, not something that happens within a few dates — or even a few weeks.

While he understands that there can be instant chemistry and/or mutual physical needs, he’s experienced enough to know that giving into these desires too early nearly always causes upset. You really don’t know the person, and sex, generally, changes everything unless you’re both only into a short-term fling. More often than not, one party gets attached and expectations change once you go horizontal.

He was not boasting, but lamenting when he shared that he’s had to stop women from dragging him into the bedroom, or undressing him, or doing a strip tease for him after only a date or two. You’d think he looks like a Chippendale, but he doesn’t! He is intelligent, articulate, educated, confident, respectful, and funny, but not what we would consider a classic hunk. He knows that the woman’s behavior telegraphs her loneliness, neediness or horniness, and has little to do with his appeal.

Luckily, I’ve rarely been in the “this is special between us” place and abandoned my criteria to take it slow. When I have, just like my friend, the results have been disastrous, leaving much unhappiness in the wake of the tryst.

So I was glad he shared his perspective that a mature, emotionally grounded man thinks too-soon seduction is a problem, not a godsend. For while he’s a sexy and sensual man, he isn’t so sex obsessed that he forgets the havoc that can be left when sex enters the picture too soon. It reminded me that there really are midlife men who are interested in long-term satisfaction, not short-term gratification. Thank heavens!


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3 responses to “Too-soon seduction: “I’m special, but not THAT special””

  1. Jack Avatar

    My last relationship (before the current one) fell apart because of this and its a particularly tough thing for men to learn or acknowledge. I started seeing a woman I had a lot in common with but we went TOO fast and it was a mess very quickly. I was a willing participant and certainly share the blame. We never allowed a real relationship to develop based on friendship and kindness. It is so ingrained in men that they are NOT suppose to resist sexual overtures but we need to learn that skill if we want to have healthy long term relationships.

  2. Mike Avatar

    LOL thanks for the share. I’ve been there more times that I would ever think. I remember one woman on our second date was I really want to take it slow and I was good so do I. Next date she’s dragging me into her bedroom. When I said I wanted to take it slow it was over the next day. I have to admit the older I get the slowness of youth is no longer there. I think that sterotype is only for teenagers.

  3. Dr. Jenn Avatar

    Man, this guy is smart!!! I wonder if he knows the biochemistry behind why sleeping with these women is asking for disaster!? It’s because oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, actually makes the woman feel bonded to a man after sex…even if she barely knows him…which as we all know (myself included), tends to lead to her clinging to him…but strangely, doesn’t have the same effect on the man. So, the rest is just a messy emotional nightmare. I love the idea of waiting until you agree that you are in an exclusive relationship before having sex! Does that make me a prude??? Now if I had only followed my own advice in my 20’s!