Uneven ardor

images-1It’s wonderful when dating someone who has the same level of infatuation you do. It’s fabulous to both feel similarly smitten.

However, my experience is it isn’t that common to feel equal adoration. One of you is typically more entranced than the other.

When it’s you who’s head-over-heels and he’s not feeling it to the same degree, you can feel embarrassed at your infatuation. You tend to be the one who initiates conversations and encounters, or at least the overtures are weighted to your side. You hear yourself asking him, “When will I see you again,” although you know that sounds clingy and needy — you can’t seem to help yourself.

If he’s the one who’s beguiled, you can still be embarrassed. His frequent calls to say he’s thinking of you, his flow of emails, IMs or texts telling you how beautiful, wonderful, and/or sexy you are can be overwhelming, even if they don’t reach stalker velocity. His showering you with flowers or gifts is touching and sweet, but when you know you don’t feel similarly, they can be hard to accept.

I once dated a man for 3 months who wanted us to move in together. Because of distance, we only saw each other a few days every two weeks. I felt I barely knew him, although we talked and emailed often in between assignations. He would bring or send me a small gift every week. Even when I was traveling, he’d have something delivered to my room. I was fond of him, yet not in love. Finally, I had to pull the plug as I saw it was unfair to him to keep accepting his affection and gifts when I was not feeling myself falling for him and did not honestly feel I would.

Have you been in a lopsided relationship? What did you do to either even it out or get out?


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6 responses to “Uneven ardor”

  1. Janisellen Avatar

    I’ve been reading (lurking) for a while, but this is my first post.

    Every relationship I’ve ever had has been lopsided, one way or the other. I’ve never come up with a way to even things out, and I don’t know it it would even be possible to do so.

    The times when HE has been more into me, I usually find the whole thing too annoying, too suffocating, and end up running in the opposite direction. When I’m the one who’s more into him, I tend to do the opposite; i.e. stick it out until he dumps me.

    No happy medium for me, unfortunately, lol.

    I’m currently in a FWB-type relationship where I’m way more into him than he is into me. It is not comfortable, it hurts, and in some sane part of my mind I know that I’d be better off out of it. And yet, I don’t seem to be able to end it.

  2. Dating Goddess Avatar


    Ugh — I relate to your situation. Been there (not the FWB part, but knowing I’d be better off out of it part).

    Do yourself a favor and exit stage left (a la Snagglepuss). You deserve a man who is at least close as into you as you are him. If it hurts, time to go.

    We can all suffer with bouts of low self esteem, and this is a sign. I’m here to remind you that you deserve better — much better! Say bye-bye to him. Move on — today.

  3. tanasie Avatar

    Yeah, someone always gets the shorter straw.
    The last guy I dated said he always liked to be the one who loved more in the relationship.

  4. Mitsy Avatar

    That was the same scenario with my 2 1/2 year stint with online dating. Things never worked out and I got a lot of hurt along with the money spent for match.com and yahoopersonals. It was hurtful, but I did learn some hard lessons from those couple years meeting and going out with different guys. For starters, I live in a rural area & there’s few chances to meet new guys via the normal way. I signed up for a the dating sites because I foolishly thought that this would be an easier way to actually meet, eligible, like-minded men. I was wrong though. For the most part, I was more interested in some than the other way around. One guy, who was one of the last for me to deal with via the online dating system, had only met me once (was not even an actual date) and he was soon emailing me with comments like he was “crazy” about me. He was physically not appealing (didn’t look much like his photo), and he was MUCH too interested without even knowing me. That, combined with no physical attraction was a huge turnoff for me. Otherwise, it was mostly the guys who ended things or never asked for that 2nd date. I was burned way too many times.

  5. Sarah Avatar

    Lopsided sucks. I think, though, that ‘falling in love” is something we’re programed to do all wrong. We’re programed to fall for the man who doesn’t want us, and programed to NOT fall for the man who does. I think it’s all about our fear – of intimacy, of being loved, and so we always attract something lopsided. When i started ONLY paying attention to the men who WANTED me – everything got better, and i found my great man. By then i was USED to the flowers and love coming my way, and it was easier to accept and eventually FALL for. Thanks, Sarah

  6. Mitsy Avatar

    I think that is a good point, but in my case, I could not have changed myself to become whatever it was some of those guys sought in a woman and I wasn’t going to suddenly become attracted to the guy who was “crazy” about me after meeting me once. For me, it was never an issue of thinking outside the box. It was usually a done deal from the get-go. Either they were not that interested or I was totally not interested. It never panned out and I still hate the eharmony commercials. :0