I hear women complain about guys who suggest future plans or verbalize their affection in the early stages of dating. Then these women are irritated, nay angry, when the guy disappears. It is easy to do and I’ve found myself doing it, too.
Instead of labeling the guys “liars,” “jerks,” “losers,” and “snakes,” why not just label them “human”? Just accept that he changed his mind. After getting to know you a bit better, he either reassessed his priorities or realized you two aren’t as good a match as he thought at first. As people get to know each other, behaviors come out that may be deal breakers for the other. Of course, we hope he has enough respect for us and courage to let us know.
I’m not naive. I know some cads and players use the “future” ploy when trying to woo a woman. Many women like to hear that a guy likes her so well he’s talking about future activities together, or says the things we like to hear. But my experience, and those of my friends, is that only maybe 10% — if that — of those we’ve gone out with are blowing smoke when they sweet talk us. You can usually tell those guys early on through email and phone conversations, so no need to actually meet them.
You’ve changed your mind about a guy after dating him a little while, right? Of course! The difference is when someone says things that imply he is thinking you’ll be together weeks, months, or even years from now. You buy into it as all seems to be going well. You like him, too. And by all indications he feels similarly entranced. You want to be together, so you like it when he says things that sound like he plans to be with you in the future.
So when you’re clear he’s changed his mind, instead of getting mad, be glad! (Sorry for the altered old advertising slogan.) Be happy that he changed his mind now, even if he left you hanging and didn’t communicate his change of heart. Imagine how much worse it would be if he had this revelation weeks, months or years from now, after you’d invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship.
When it is apparent something has shifted for him — he no longer calls, emails, or returns your calls, just release the feelings you had for him as well as the anger at his going “poof.” He may not have told you, in part because he hadn’t really articulated it himself, he was afraid of hurting you, or creating a lot of drama for himself. (I still am amazed that men think going “poof” won’t hurt the woman.)
So, accept his humanness (not to be confused with humaneness), complete with his ineptness at communicating, his herky-jerky way of moving on, and his exercising his option to change his mind. As you may have already experienced, this can happen in a marriage, not just in the early stages of dating, even after vows are said and commitments are made. I am not saying that I endorse this behavior or feel it is right, but I also know that you can make yourself bitter by being righteous and repel everyone in your path. So you can get angry that he disappointed you and has gone back on his word or you can accept that unfortunately humans do that, work through your anger, and move on.
Technorati Tags: dating Internet, dating online, senior dating, bbw dating, mature dating, dating over 50, dating over 40, online dating advice, dating after 40, dating after 50, over 40 dating,40+ dating, dating after forty