I hear women complain about guys who suggest future plans or verbalize their affection in the early stages of dating. Then these women are irritated, nay angry, when the guy disappears. It is easy to do and I’ve found myself doing it, too.
Instead of labeling the guys “liars,” “jerks,” “losers,” and “snakes,” why not just label them “human”? Just accept that he changed his mind. After getting to know you a bit better, he either reassessed his priorities or realized you two aren’t as good a match as he thought at first. As people get to know each other, behaviors come out that may be deal breakers for the other. Of course, we hope he has enough respect for us and courage to let us know.
I’m not naive. I know some cads and players use the “future” ploy when trying to woo a woman. Many women like to hear that a guy likes her so well he’s talking about future activities together, or says the things we like to hear. But my experience, and those of my friends, is that only maybe 10% — if that — of those we’ve gone out with are blowing smoke when they sweet talk us. You can usually tell those guys early on through email and phone conversations, so no need to actually meet them.
You’ve changed your mind about a guy after dating him a little while, right? Of course! The difference is when someone says things that imply he is thinking you’ll be together weeks, months, or even years from now. You buy into it as all seems to be going well. You like him, too. And by all indications he feels similarly entranced. You want to be together, so you like it when he says things that sound like he plans to be with you in the future.
So when you’re clear he’s changed his mind, instead of getting mad, be glad! (Sorry for the altered old advertising slogan.) Be happy that he changed his mind now, even if he left you hanging and didn’t communicate his change of heart. Imagine how much worse it would be if he had this revelation weeks, months or years from now, after you’d invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship.
When it is apparent something has shifted for him — he no longer calls, emails, or returns your calls, just release the feelings you had for him as well as the anger at his going “poof.” He may not have told you, in part because he hadn’t really articulated it himself, he was afraid of hurting you, or creating a lot of drama for himself. (I still am amazed that men think going “poof” won’t hurt the woman.)
So, accept his humanness (not to be confused with humaneness), complete with his ineptness at communicating, his herky-jerky way of moving on, and his exercising his option to change his mind. As you may have already experienced, this can happen in a marriage, not just in the early stages of dating, even after vows are said and commitments are made. I am not saying that I endorse this behavior or feel it is right, but I also know that you can make yourself bitter by being righteous and repel everyone in your path. So you can get angry that he disappointed you and has gone back on his word or you can accept that unfortunately humans do that, work through your anger, and move on.
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16 responses to “Allow him to change his mind”
I think men can change their mind, but I think there is a fine line between something that happens that is a deal breaker and men who simply do not know what they want and think waffle in their interest. Men who are not ready to make a “dating commitment” as Dr. Phil would say, probably don’t need to be dating at all – unless both parties know it’s casual and nothing more. Vanishing is something that I would suspect a teenager or 20-something to do, but not when they are in their 40’s and “should” be mature enough to be straight with a woman–not let her hang, or toy with her emotions. So, I won’t give a pass for behavior some might label as “human” when it really is just “bad behavior”.
I am inclined to agree with Mitsy here, as I am still smarting from the evaporation of a man I loved very much, had known a long time, and went on to enjoy what I thought to be a wonderful 8 month relationship. I would be mortified to admit how hong I have been grieving this. I have really done a number on myself, trying to figure out what I did wrong, desperate to understand what really happened. All he was willing to say was his life was “complicated” and in an email or two, he was gone. (I can still cry as I write this!) I have had insomnia of the most noxious kind since this trauma, and I woke up last night to read this post. Strangely, in a moment, I felt ready to let go and move on. Before this, I KNEW that’s what I had to do, but I have been resisting it, with hopes and wishes and an unclear agenda that he may come back to me. So, I decided to mobilize…dug out the box of memories: love letters, gifts, CDs, and pictures and headed out to the backyard for a goodbye ceremony. I lit a fire in the frigid early morning and burned away the energy that has been keeping me stuck. I’m done. I’m moving on. I’m finally free! I think I’ve been waiting to have amnesia about the whole episode, but I finally realize I’m probably always going to have a fair amount of sadness when I think of him and I don’t have to stop living because of it. (Thank you, DG, for letting me use your fine blog for my drama story this morning, but I just had to go “public” and share my triumph with all of you!
Christine — I am so glad you’ve seen the cost of your not moving on and have decided to leave this guy behind you. It sounds like you’ve grieved enough and are now healed enough to get on with your life. Without that, no one else great could ever come into your life, as there was no room for him. Now there is a vacuum — a space where he could get into your heart.
It will take courage for you to enter the next encounter, whether it’s just a coffee date or a full relationship. And your past hurt may make you want to be cautious, which is understandable. So consider reading the posting from last week about our building a wall around our heart.
I applaud you and are appreciative of your giving me credit for prompting you to realize you were ready to move on.That makes my heart happy to know I could have some influence, even if I know it was just the words you’d needed to hear at the right time.
Hi DG,
I agree with Mitsy and Dr. Phil, a mature man should behave in a mature fashion and not just disappear like a ditsy teenager when he feels “overwhelmed.” Whatever happened to good old fashioned communication? Maybe I was raised in an old fashioned household, but I was taught the importance of good manners and in treating others with dignity and respect. Apparently this wasn’t the case with a good number of my male peers…
Best wishes from bookyone 🙂
Yes, Bookyone, people should act mature, responsible, etc. However, for each comment we’ve noted about how men don’t, the guys can list a woman who also acted immaturely. So it’s some people who have some emotional stuntedness. We can gnash our teeth and complain about how this is bad and horrible, or we can accept that a heck of a lot of people aren’t emotionally mature, learn how to tell this quickly, ask ourselves why these people keep coming into our lives and what we need to learn from this, and chose to not have them in our lives, nor steal our emotions by lingering over it and becoming bitter. We need to move on.
when guys do the dissapearing act is one of the hardest: it’s like a women’s archilles heel. she wants to talk and communicate, whereas he wants to hide. It is rude & it’s frustrating but it’s just what men love doing & I hate it too.
firstly I think it’s short sighted. you will eventually see them again & that bad taste, the lame way they left the situation is a long way to climb back from.
I’m all for forgiving.. it’s just a muscle you have to develope ladies.
It would be nice if all women “could” tell quickly about the maturity level of a man, but oftentimes a guy does not show that element until it’s almost over or until he’s gone and you never see him again. I think if a man “changes his mind” which I still think is an excuse for bad behavior, I think he should be mature enough to end it like a stand-up kind of guy should…not this hiding crap or not answering his phone like we’ve heard about time and time again. It simply is not acceptable, but recovering from a guy who has pulled these kind of stunts is more than just “getting over it”. For some of us, the hurt is very deep, depending on how long we were with the guy, our level of interest, expectations, etc.
I continue to feel bad at times over my relationship that went on for 3 1/2 months and then was over. However, looking back, I know I deserved better and will not settle for a guy who has so many life problems that he can’t handle a relationship as well. But, let me state again, THOSE are the men who need not have a profile online. I think there is a different set of expectations with online dating. When men spell it out in black and white, you WANT to believe them. However, a big majority of the men I’ve met online were players or it was just fun and games for them. I’ve yet to find a site that really seems to weed out the undesirables when it comes to online dating. And you don’t hear the horror stories about eharmony in their ads. So, many of us are hoodwinked into thinking that it’s a really great way to meet decent men. I’ve found few decent and sincere men online. I’m beginning to think it isn’t the way to go – at least for me.
Men do seem to be particularly prone to seemingly dropping out of site. The “chase is fun until they’re caught” syndrome is well documented, but I agree with DG that women can do this too. The very first guy I met thru on-line dating probably feels this way. We exchanged a LOT of really wonderful emails, and I was very excited about meeting him and I know he felt the same. But when we met, he didn’t look anything like his picture, was 30 pounds heavier than he described, and had a physical ailment that affected his balance. I wouldn’t have let any of these keep me from being friends, but since I’m very fit and athletic, I thought I’d made it clear I was looking for the same. I wasn’t attracted to him, and couldn’t picture having a relationship, so I pursued others instead. I know he was disappointed, but that’s what happens when you’re dating. I did at least tell him later that I felt an emotional attraction but not physical. Maybe drop-out-of-sight guys are commitment phobes, or are afraid of hurting our feelings by being honest?
I think it’s pretty unrealistic to expect complete and unflinchingly honest descriptions from on-line dating sites. No one would ever respond if everyone didn’t sugar coat things a bit. My first profile was straightforward and really described me well, with a plain old normal picture. Few responses, so I put up some nicer, sexier photos and softened my profile. Tons and tons of responses. It was almost offensive since it was the same me, just a better photo and cuter profile. But that’s just how it is!
I always thought on-line dating can be for “hooking up”, finding fun diversions, meeting new people to do things with, or meeting your true love. I mean, there aren’t rules about who can use it and when.
DG is right, if we’re continually meeting people who disapoint, I think we need to examine ourselves, our own actions and attitudes. Examine, not defend! Hard for us humans to learn, but I’m often painfully reminded that whenever my finger is pointing at someone else in blame, there are 4 pointing right back at me!
Men do seem to be particularly prone to seemingly dropping out of site. The “chase is fun until they’re caught” syndrome is well documented, but I agree with DG that women can do this too. The very first guy I met thru on-line dating probably feels this way. We exchanged a LOT of really wonderful emails, and I was very excited about meeting him and I know he felt the same. But when we met, he didn’t look anything like his picture, was 30 pounds heavier than he described, and had a physical ailment that affected his balance. I wouldn’t have let any of these keep me from being friends, but since I’m very fit and athletic, I thought I’d made it clear I was looking for the same. I wasn’t attracted to him, and couldn’t picture having a relationship, so I pursued others instead. I know he was disappointed, but that’s what happens when you’re dating. I did at least tell him later that I felt an emotional attraction but not physical. Maybe drop-out-of-sight guys are commitment phobes, or are afraid of hurting our feelings by being honest?
I think it’s pretty unrealistic to expect complete and unflinchingly honest descriptions from on-line dating sites. No one would ever respond if everyone didn’t sugar coat things a bit. My first profile was straightforward and really described me well, with a plain old normal picture. Few responses, so I put up some nicer, sexier photos and softened my profile. Tons and tons of responses. It was almost offensive since it was the same me, just a better photo and cuter profile. But that’s just how it is!
I always thought on-line dating can be for “hooking up”, finding fun diversions, meeting new people to do things with, or meeting your true love. I mean, there aren’t rules about who can use it and when.
DG is right, if we’re continually meeting people who disapoint, I think we need to examine ourselves, our own actions and attitudes. Examine, not defend! Hard for us humans to learn, but I’m often painfully reminded that whenever my finger is pointing at someone else in blame, there are 4 pointing right back at me!
I think there should be guidelines about honesty when it comes to online dating though. True, it can be for casual sex if that’s what someone is looking for, but for someone (male or female) to put that they want a long-term commitment, maybe even marriage is quite different than a guy who only seeks a short-term or “casual” hook-up as they say. It’s the misrepresentation that I’m most offended about. Are all men with profiles liars? Probably not, but I’m finding more men who are not truthful in their profiles and in what they want than anything else. I would not waste my time on a guy who simply wants casual sex or a fling type relationship. And I can’t honestly take the blame (as in the fingerpoint illustration) when these men have lead me on, misrepresented themselves or otherwise taken advantage of my affections. It’s not something within ourselves unless we are the ones doing the game-playing. If we are using or hurting other people, then we may need therapy, but when we treat people as we want to be treated and continue to run into these bad behavior men, then it makes me think that the online dating game has some major problems.
And BTW, I think it’s better to be honest with someone we are not attracted to. There are ways to let someone know this without being hurtful or simply vanishing. Even the white lie of having met someone else pretty much covers it in that situation.
I get so tired of women making excuses for men who go “poof”. If we did that to them they would go in the corner, cry their eyes out, and cut themselves. Why is it okay for men to tell us all the wonderful things they love about us, the great future that they envision, and the great trips and treats they are going to provide for us and then evaporate like they never existed? Are men so completely inept at communication? Are they really SO sensitive they can’t be honest lest they curl up and be sucked into the vortex of Mars Vs. Venus?
I don’t think so. I think they found a girl who has bigger boobs, a tighter ass, and is more willing to do the do on the observation deck. I am so tired of dishonest males. They would never tolerate dishonesty with their mates or their female coworkers so why are they so dishonest with the women who they profess to love?
Help me out here people. I just don’t get it. Then when you call them on it they throw their hands in the air, cry, and walk away so offended. And, we are supposed to sit there with a stupid smile on our face and say “Oh, poor baby”.
With my last scenario, I really don’t think it was another woman. I suppose it could be, but I was not getting that vibe at all. He had not been out of his last relationship long and while that was a concern for me, he was positive that he was “over” her. She sounded emotionally abusive, but then he turned around and played mind games with me. If, by chance, he had gone back to her, then that is his problem.
I’m certainly not an “easy” woman, and this guy supposedly didn’t want someone like that anyone…remember, he was this “Christian” guy. Yeah, well, anyway, even Christian men and woman want intimacy, but he wasn’t going to get that (at any point) if he didn’t actually pursue something with me.
I don’t get it either. I just think that the vast majority of men online are fickle, immature, and very selfish. I’ve yet to meet one who turned out to be what he claimed he was.
I so totally agree. I sure would like to know how to “tell” the commitment phobes apart. Of course they don’t get that way until you start showing an interest back. Even though I got this “Catch Him & Keep Him” book, I’m still not really sure how to “keep” him. When does one ever get to be yourself? I am leary, too, about meeting any more men through the personals. I agree, so many of them project themselves as something they are not.
That’s the rub with following the “Rules” type books. If you have to put on some sort of phoney, or at least subdued personality to get a guy interested, then, assumedly, you have to keep that personality going to keep him. I don’t think I would have the energy or interest to do that. And what would it signify? That someone only likes you when you act like what you’re not? Then I wouldn’t want to be with that sort of person.
The more time I spend talking and being with the man I’ve got, the more I realize what a special person he is and how so very lucky I am to have found him. After some years of surpressing my personality to try to please someone else, it is absolute heaven to be able to be myself and to be accepted and loved for it.
I am not a man-basher (I really like men!!), and I’ve actually had great success with on-line dating, but darn it all, the last guy started out with such a bang – exactly like LA describes, and although I tried hard not to pay attention to the wonderful things he was saying and the future times together he projected, i couldn’t altogether. I’m only human, and hopeful.
I did feel pretty let down when he was just able to let all that go, right when it started to sound good. And I called him on it. I told him he should show a little restraint and not say all those things until he was a little more sure, because it hurts a lot of women. I don’t think he’d given any thought at all to the effect his words had, he just said whatever he felt at the moment. And ultimately, he withdrew because he didn’t feel I reciprocated his feelings, partly because I didn’t jump on his “wow we’re so great together” and projecting-the-future bandwagon.
I think women may understand better the affect our words and actions have. But don’t you think we should tell these guys, gently and without bitterness (“giving grace” as Goddess calls it!), that their premature vision of a future together can cause unecessary pain?
Same thing here. I felt extremely let-down and deeply disappointed. Seems like when I finally jumped on his bandwagon is when he jumped off. Of course he’s using the excuse that he had ALWAYS said he planned to move to Alaska, just not this soon. I mean, what do you make of a guy who is moving 10,000 miles away from his kids (he is already 5,000 miles away)? Now I find out his 8-yr-old needs heart surgery. Can a guy like this really have feelings at all? I am glad we can commiserate here because it can save us from commiserating with future dates. I wish I could invite you all to my 360 page.