Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Multidating responsibly

  • Back burner beaus

    Dating Goddess reader Dale wrote:

    I recently jointly decided to be exclusive with a man I’ve been dating for a little while. However, I’d been multi-dating and although I’ve told the others I’m going to focus on one man right now, several are interested in my letting them know if it doesn’t work out.

    How do you deal with dangling men who are waiting in the wings? Do you still respond to their calls, emails, IMs and/or texts, even though they have dialed back their flirting and wooing? Am I cheating on my guy if I stay in touch with these guys who are now somewhere between friend and suitor? I’m not sure where the line is between appropriate pal contact and kinda dating? I’d be mortified if my guy thought I was two-timing him.

    (more…)

  • Are you expecting a wild horse to act tame?

    DG reader Terri writes:

    The middle-aged man I’ve been seeing for a few months is Mr. Spontaneity. He rarely plans anything in his life more than a day in advance, including our getting together. Last week he called me as he was leaving his house — 45-minutes away — and asked if I would have lunch with him. Luckily, I could swing it. I’ve told him I’d like at least a day’s notice, but he doesn’t seem to be able to shift his mind from the here and now. I considered saying “no” to lunch just to show him I’m not always available, but I wanted to see him, and to say no when I was available seemed game playing.

    Last night I’d been invited to a small dinner party and invited him to accompany me. I’d told him about it last week and reminded him again a few days ago. He said he had to check something and he’d get back to me. He never did. I texted and called him before I left for the event, but only heard from him an hour ago. He’d gone out of town to visit friends for the weekend, without a word to me.

    I was livid thinking how disrespectful this was to not let me know he wouldn’t be attending. When we are together he is the epitome of respectful, kind, and attentive. But when we’re not, he doesn’t call or text for a few days. We’ve discussed how neither of us is interested in seeing others, so I don’t think another woman is taking his focus. I’m not sure what to do. I want to have someone I can depend on to attend social functions, not a fly-by-night lover.

    (more…)

  • My boyfriend, whom I haven’t met

    fog manA man has been wooing me the last 6 weeks, first via email while I was abroad, then during daily phone calls, emails and/or text messages.

    We haven’t met, however, because 3 days after I returned home, he was called to his dying mother’s side 2000 miles away. While the doctors told him she only had a few days to live, she lived two weeks, only passing the other day. This week he’s finishing her burial plans and awaiting the rest of the family’s arrival for her funeral next weekend.

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  • Review of “The Four Man Plan: A Romantic Science”

    The Four Man PlanCindy Lu has written a funny — albeit gutter-language-laden — book about systematically classifying the men you date. So if you don’t like to read language you’d hear in most comedy clubs, you’d best pass on this one. She is an actress and stand-up comedian, which is where this book got its start.

    She lays out a plan to always have at least four men in the dating hopper. However, her mathematical formula for how to count each man (some are 1/4 men, others 1/2 men) is convoluted. I never caught on, and I won awards in math in school! (Nearly all knowledge of math is now forgotten due to under use.)

    What I like about her philosophy is that she encourages you to juggle more than one man so you won’t be in the position to stick with a guy just because he’s the only one around. When you have more than one to choose from you don’t do those silly things we do when we’re desperate — like sleep with a guy we barely know just because we want some attention or affection. (more…)

  • Beware of multitasking when multidating

    When friends learn I have sometimes dated multiple men simultaneously, they ask how I am able to do so.

    Logistically, I keep notes in my Date-A-Base, logging facts like children (names, ages, locations), parents (living or not, location), marriage/LTRs (how long, how long ago), where he grew up, went to school, or important jobs or locations. Also, if he reveals deeper feelings, fears or concerns, I log that. But I’m better at remembering those conversations than facts and figures.

    I can go from a conversation with one man to another pretty easily. It makes me realize how quickly we vilify those who date around, saying “How could he take one woman out to dinner one night and another the next?” We call these people “players” even if there is no purposeful behavior to lead one to believe you are committed to them.

    I now understand how men — who we stereotypically think of when we think of multidating — can go from woman to woman in a short period of time. Compartmentalizing is not that hard. I’ve been known to carry on two IM conversations simultaneously and not miss a beat. Or have lunch with one guy and dinner with another on the same day.

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  • Advice from sister-surrogate sages

    Having lunch with two friends, both 16 years my senior, we were discussing relationships. They asked about my love life, always wanting an update on the soap opera of my dating situation. One had been married nearly 50 years, the other was a divorcée from a 30-year marriage. I often bounced my relationship dilemmas off them.

    I shared I was torn between two really great guys, one of whom I’d been seeing for 5 weeks, the other for 3. Both were generous, affectionate, communicative, tender, intelligent, and successful. The 5-week one had also shown he was reliable, thoughtful about pleasing me, and emotionally mature, but I wasn’t physically drawn to him. He wasn’t unattractive; it was more his kiss and touch didn’t do it for me. The 3-week man also displayed some of the same positive characteristics, but since we hadn’t spent as much time together, the evidence was less apparent. But I got goose bumps with his touch and kiss. We definitely had chemistry.

    I was wondering if it was right to keep seeing the 5-week guy since I didn’t have the same physical reaction to him. Was I being fair to him? Would I grow to get excited by his touch? Should I let him loose and focus on the one who got my blood boiling? Or should I continue to see both a bit longer and see if one emerged as the clear front runner?

    wisdomMy two sages offered their input.

    The longer-married one began: “After a while, the physical part of a relationship wanes, no matter how hard you try. If you have to choose between a good man and a hot one — at least for the long term — always choose the one who treats you the best. The hottie may be good for a tryst, but sex appeal is not the primary basis on which to build a relationship.”

    The other chimed in, “Yes, passion fades, but respect, kindness, and emotional maturity are more likely to stay intact. If you’re looking to stop dating around and settle down, focus on the one who shows more solid character, even if you’re less drawn to him physically.”

    “But,” I protested, “if I can’t get excited about him physically, how will that bode for the relationship? In the beginning if one isn’t pulled to a man, can you learn to be passionate toward him?”

    “Do you think he’s teachable? Could he learn how you like to be kissed and touched?” asked the 50-year veteran.

    “Yes, I believe he would want to learn. He does seem interested in pleasing me.”

    The divorcée added, “You can be swept off your feet by passion. It is exhilarating. But it often blinds us to the lack of other important criteria by which to make a long-term decision. Yes, ideally your future mate and you will have passion for many, many years. But the relationship should be grounded on mutual respect, caring, kindness, and wanting to make each other happy — not only in the bedroom, but in general.”

    The long-married friend capped the conversation with, “Dear, you’ve only just begun to get to know these men. You don’t have to choose at this juncture. Just enjoy having two great guys in your life, be respectful of their feelings, and when the time is right, it will be clear which one should get your focus. Or maybe neither of these is the right one for you. Have a good time while being mindful of not doing or saying things that make them think you are focused on one exclusively.”

    These surrogate big sisters served thoughts to chew on as we nibbled our lunch. Having their 80+ years of relationship wisdom in which to marinate my thoughts was the seasoning I was looking for.

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  • How long do you hedge your bet?

    You’ve been seeing someone casually, once a week for a month. You like him, he seems to like you as he keeps asking you to lunch, and ending each encounter with a passionate kiss. He calls you a few times a week and engages in an IM chat at least once a day.

    You’re not smitten with him, but you like him. He’s intelligent, funny, attentive, self-aware, doesn’t press himself on you physically beyond the kiss, talks about waiting to get sexual until the time is right. Great, huh?

    But meanwhile you continue to accept other invitations. Most are just one-time coffee meetings with nice guys but not any mutual spark.

    Then — wham — a new guy comes on the scene that takes you aback. You have one date, then due to scheduling mismatches a week passes. He calls you several times a day and tells you how much he likes you. You like him, too, in a different way than the aforementioned guy.

    But you’ve had this happen before. Part of you feels like you should tell the first guy that you’ve met someone new, but you also know that New Guy could go poof any time.

    I described a similar circumstance in “The two-suitor conundrum: What would you do?” But that situation was different in that I hadn’t met one of the parties, although he called me every day for three months before deciding to fly to meet me. And as it turned out, the newer guy went poof soon after that was written. And the out-of-towner went poof, it just took another month.

    How long can you have your feet in both camps? It’s not like you’re longing for one when you’re with the other. If you were, the decision would be easy. Neither of them knows there are others, as things haven’t heated up enough for that to seem relevant.

    My rule of thumb is: when things look like they will heat up, that is the time to decide. Ideally beforehand, not afterward. Then you’ll be thinking with your brain, not other parts of your body. You tell one that you need to let him go, as you don’t want to be intimately involved with two at once — this would not be good for anyone.

    Don’t hedge too long, or the second in line will feel used. You know how you’d feel if someone strung you along. As I mentioned in “Dating with integrity” it is sometimes hard to be 100% honest if you want to be sensitive to someone’s feelings. And while most who’ve dated online for long understand there will be others vying for your attention during the initial stages of getting to know each other, after seeing each other a while, it’s important to let someone go who you think isn’t a good match. The hard part is when you are dating two people you think are both a good match. The deciding is difficult.

    What are your guidelines for when to let someone go if you’ve been seeing two people concurrently? How long will you see both before forcing yourself to make a decision?

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  • Care of newbie daters

    Many midlife daters reenter the dating scene after a long absence. If they aren’t a long-time single, they are available again because of divorce or death of their spouse. FragiieAt this age, many are sensitive to fading looks and possibly squishy bodies, even though others are buffer and more attractive than ever before. Midlifers are more aware of their shortcomings, which can overshadow their pride of accomplishments, both career and personal. And they aren’t sure exactly what is expected of them during the dating process. They are a bit fragile at first.

    If you’ve been dating for a while, especially if most of your dates have come from online sites, you’ve learned some of the ropes. You are more savvy now than you were as a neophyte dater.

    If you are an experienced dater, I think you have some responsibility — even if it is just for your own karma — to treat newbie daters with kid gloves. Not that you wouldn’t do that with everyone, but I think it’s especially important to help guide new daters through the process, sharing with them what you’ve learned during your dating experiences.

    For example, I learned from an experienced online dating gal pal, that it is expected for you to exchange emails after the first date to express if you want to see the other again or not. I would not have known this was considered a common courtesy if she hadn’t enlightened me. I would have assumed I would hear from the man if he was interested in seeing me again. So I made it a habit to always email the guy within 24 hours of our first encounter to thank him and express whether I was interested in doing it again or not. Many times he initiated that email or even called after the date.

    Because of your experience, you know that many online daters see multiple people simultaneously, so you can’t assume they are only seeing you. If you are starting to see a fledgling dater, explain that it is common to go out with multiple people, each once or twice before deciding whether to focus on only one, or keep looking. So be upfront if you are dating others. And even if you’re not seeing others, you might drop this information into the conversation so they know to ask a future date outright.

    You also know that it is unfortunately prevalent for people to stop responding to calls, emails and IMs when they don’t want to continue dating someone. So even though you are careful to clearly communicate you’re not interested in a man any longer, help him understand this regrettably common practice so he won’t be scratching his head when it happens to him. So if you decide to stop seeing this dating novice, take extra care to communicate you’re done as graciously and gently — yet clearly — as you can.

    I’ve found that those who haven’t dated much or in a long time can easily become attached to you if you are just your usual nice self. I think it is because they have not had much (any?) attention or affection in a long while. If they get a single, attractive woman to look them in the eye, smile and carry on a fun conversation for more than a few minutes, they think they’ve found The One.

    I once had a coffee date with a man who had just filed for divorce, after a 25-year marriage. I was his first post-marriage date. He was giddy during our coffee, talking about plans for taking me here and doing that together. I knew I was not interested in seeing him again, so encouraged him to take advantage of his new-found freedom and date a number of women to really find out what he wanted and who was a match. So even if you only see him once, you can be a mini-coach to him, sharing any hard-won wisdom you’ve gleaned so he’s not blind sided with what you know are common midlife dating behaviors.

    Next week I’m having a second encounter with a widower who lost his wife of 30 years just last year. I know he hasn’t dated much since then — in fact I may be his first dating experience in over 30 years. So I am conscious of making sure I treat his heart with tenderness and care.

    What advice would you share with a midlife dating tenderfoot? What have you learned the hard way that is more common than you’d imagined before you started this adventure?

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  • Are you his spare?

    For a few weeks a gal pal was exchanging flirty emails multiple times a day with a an online match. He then suggested they have dinner and she countered that she was more comfortable with lunch. They continued their multiple-per-day email flirting a few more weeks, but he never again brought up getting together.

    She was flummoxed. What was going on?

    Two explanations came to me:

    1. He enjoyed flirting, but not actually meeting women. This happens more than one would think. Some people just want pen pals, which is perfectly fine as long as they are upfront about it. Leading someone on when you have no intention of meeting isn’t right. But he had suggested dinner, so we didn’t think he was just a serial flirter.
    2. He was trolling for a “spare” woman. Not necessarily a woman on the side if he was married or in a relationship. But more likely he was seeing someone already, but not seriously. So he was still hunting, seeing if there was someone “better” out there. He wasn’t unhappy with his current woman, but not so enthralled that he was sure she was “the one.” My friend was intriguing enough to flirt with, but not yet enticing enough to press to meet her. (If he did meet her he’d see how fabulous she is!) He was ensuring his pipeline was full in case his current woman dumped him or he lost interest in her.

    How do you know if you are his spare? Mostly it will be in the lack of action he takes to meet with you, not only the first time but in subsequent communications. In “Are you getting prime time from your man?” I outline ways you can tell if you aren’t a top priority for a guy. While one would think most of these signs are obvious, the haze of infatuation affects us all so we miss signals that are otherwise apparent.

    What should you do if you suspect he is stringing you along as his spare — or potential backup?

    • Limit the time you are willing to put into communicating before meeting. Many DG readers agree that you should strive to meet after 2 weeks or less of email exchanges. After that, no matter how much he says he likes you, if there is no effort to meet, even if long distance, there is not a lot of interest. Too many women have shared they’ve had extensive email exchanges which turned to naught when they met. You don’t want to waste your time, unless you just want a pen pal.
    • Ask him point blank if he is seeing other women. If he stammers and stutters, “Yes, but no one serious,” then you need to decide if you want to meet — or continue to see — him. If you are multi-dating yourself, then maybe it’s not a problem for you. But if you believe in dating only one man at a time, you need to tell him your criteria, and if you are interested in meeting him in the future when he’s unencumbered, tell him to let you know when he is available.

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  • Phone number screens dating callers for you

    GrandCentralMy friend Doug alerted me to a new service he thought would be perfect for daters (no, he’s not representing the company). It’s called GrandCentral.com.

    It allows you to have a free phone number in any area code you want. You can give it to guys you meet online or in person and there’s no way to trace the number back to your name or address. Additionally, you set it to forward to the phone(s) you want: cell, home, work. You can even set it to forward to a different phone depending on the time of day so you don’t get dating calls at work.

    You can screen your calls or block callers you don’t want to talk to. You can listen in on people leaving voice mail before taking the call. Sounds perfect for avoiding stalkers or those who are obtuse. For guys who don’t really understand “I don’t want to see you anymore,” now you don’t have to change your number.

    It lets you have different messages for different callers. “Yes, Steve, my sweet patootie, I’d love to have dinner with you Sunday.” “No, Dash, it’s too little too late, so please don’t call again.” “No Robin, calling me at 10:00 p.m. to ask if you can bring over a DVD screams ‘bootie call’ and I’m not interested.”

    Which reminds me of this message, reported to be on someone’s answer machine, forwarded from my friend Paulette Ensign (The Booklet Queen).

    “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

    If you are out of the US (like DG readers Gatti, Cat and ER), you can get a US number if you’re Skypecommunicating with folks in the US, then hear your voice mails from the GrandCentral web site. If you want to talk to the person real time, you can always use Skype for pennies per minute.

    If you’re interested, now during the beta period they are offering goodies to try the service. You can have unlimited inbound minutes, unlimited voicemail, and all premium features, including call record. You can check voice mail from a phone or the web site.

    I contacted the owners and they said they’d give DG readers a $5 credit on outbound calling.  You can then return calls directly from your voice mail or from the site while displaying your GrandCentral caller ID and keeping your phone number private. But for GrandCentral to know you’re one of my readers and get the $5 credit, you need to use the code “DatingGoddess” in the promotion code field on the sign up page.

    If Match.com, Yahoo! Personals, JDate and other sites were savvy, they’d have this service as part of their package. It would eliminate many of those jitters of “Do I trust him enough to give him my number?”

    I signed up for the beta. If you do, too, let me know what you think.

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • “Date #75 requests permission to land”

    Passing the airport the other day, my friend Ken noticed the many planes lined up for miles awaiting their turn to approach the runway. He said he immediately thought of my always having an endless stream of potential suitors lined up in various stages of “landing” a date with me.

    Plane — let’s playIt’s true that I am never long without someone knocking on my fuselage, I mean email door, wanting to make contact. The value of having guys lined up is I don’t linger over love gone sour. Much the same as when I miss a flight, there is nearly always another one ready to take off within a short period.

    Just as some of the planes in queue may have to circle in a holding pattern if the runway is busy, so too a potential paramour may have to wait his turn if I’m besotted with someone else at the moment. Of course, just like an air traffic controller, I can deftly juggle several flights at once.

    And similar to when a pilot may have difficulty landing in severe weather or with wind shear, sometimes too, a first date can be shaky. It takes a confident, experienced pilot to safely maneuver in unfamiliar conditions, like a first date with someone he barely knows.

    PlaneIf the landing is too rocky and uncomfortable — unnerving even — then I quickly disembark and wish the pilot well as he takes off on his next journey without me. So, too, with rocky dates — I know this man is not for me, so bid him good luck and say bon voyage.

    And sometimes I choose to just hang out in the terminal, or no one is in a landing pattern. That’s fine, as I busy myself reading, calling friends, writing my next book or blog entry, viewing a DVD or just people watching. A favorite game is picking out potential boyfriends from the airport crowd, deciding who I’d want to go out with.

    Then pretty soon I hear a new pilot saying, “DG’s Date #75 requests permission to land.” And the next adventure begins.

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