Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Check him out before going out

  • Don’t give your phone number too soon

    In talking to a potential suitor yesterday, I learned that a woman should not give a man her phone number too quickly. When I asked why, he said, “It makes her seem too cavalier about it. I think she must give it to everyone this quickly, so I don’t feel special. I’d rather wait until we’ve exchanged a few emails to see if we click.”

    He also shared that he hates it when a woman seems demanding when she gives her number and says “Call me.” rather than inviting him to call with a more pleasant “I’d welcome a call.” or “Please call if you’d like to chat.” I typically use the latter, and only give my number after a few email exchanges.

    So even though you think it shows you’re interested by giving your number, wait a bit. He may ask for it, or give you his first. However, even if he does either, it does not necessarily show he’s interested. One guy seemed interested and after a few email exchanges, gave me his number. I called him and didn’t hear back. I waited a few weeks, sent him an email asking if he still wanted to connect. He said he did. I called him again. Nothing.

    Next!

  • Is that you? Pictures are just a rough facsimile of the real thing

    When I was first dating, I wouldn’t respond to someone if their picture wasn’t appealing, even if they sent an articulate, fun email. I also turned down any contact who I couldn’t imagine kissing, based on his picture. I didn’t meet a lot of new guys with these criteria!

    Now I’ve learned that pics in online dating profiles are an approximation of what the person looks like. Even recent photos don’t reflect the twinkle in his eye, how cute he is when he smiles, or how he makes you laugh with that silly expression. So I’ve learned to give him a benefit of a doubt if his profile, emails and calls are intriguing.

    The other rampant problem with photos is many folks (men and women, I’m told) post pictures more than two years old. I think it is dishonest to post any pics more than 2 years old, even if they are among recent ones, unless you put the date on them. I’ve only not recognized one guy when I met him because his pic was 10 years old. I was attracted to my first online date because of his picture with little kids. When I met him, I realized those were his kids, not the grandkids he’d mentioned to me. In other words, his picture was 30 years old!

    I have also met lots of guys who posted pics from when they were 60 lbs. lighter, or had hair (or hair another color but gray). I understand they think that if they present themselves as younger, they will get more responses. Perhaps they expect they will use their charm to overcome the disappointment of their date when she is having coffee with the white-haired guy with the paunch, not the buff stud in the pic (from 20 years ago). It’s seldom worked for me.

    So, the lessons for you: 1) only post or send pics fewer than 2 years old, and 2) if other things are compelling, go ahead and meet the guy even if his pic isn’t.

  • A tale of two phone calls

    Yesterday I had a first phone call with a potential date. While his profile was refreshing and intriguing, the conversation was strained. I tried to pull him out by asking questions related to his profile comments. Although he’d initiated contact with me within 24 hours of the call, he asked me nothing about my profile comments, and only asked me one question. He suggested coffee, but I begged off as I didn’t feel drawn to invest an hour or two to meet.

    However, today, I had a long conversation with another gentleman. We talked about important lessons from relationships and what we are each looking for. He asked incisive questions and shared his experiences. Soon an hour had whizzed by. We set a dinner date for later this week.

    What was the difference? It should be pretty clear from the above. The first guy didn’t make it easy to converse. He didn’t ask me but one question, so I felt like it was a “blind” call even though he’d make the initial contact. The second one asked important questions and shared his perspective, even when it wasn’t the same as mine. The second one won the date!