Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Real deal or faux beau

  • Removing your mask

    maskMost of us wear a mask, presenting ourselves as we want people to perceive us, not only in dating but in life. We decide how much and how soon to reveal our true selves based on the connection and trust we have with another. If we are feeling safe enough to let our hair down, we reveal our authentic selves, warts and all. Sometimes this occurs soon after beginning dating; other times it takes a while, depending on if we feel we’ll still be loved no matter how odious we feel our real self is.

    This mask can protect vulnerabilities about which you feel shame or embarrassment — behaviors you know aren’t pretty. It can be withholding opinions or observations that you think the other won’t take well, but they are part of your truth about him or the relationship. People can live with someone for years before letting their true self be seen. At that point, their mate may say, “This is not the person I married” and feel betrayed, duped, or happy with the person who has emerged.

    With new relationships, we want our best self to appear. We know how to behave so he wants to hang around us (assuming we want to be around him!). But as you get to know each other, your guard is dropped and you start behaving less than perfectly. You feel it’s okay, as you’ve learned to trust him and believe he will continue to be attracted to you.

    How fast is too fast to remove this mask? How far is too far? As you remove your mask, you may cross a boundary that the other feels is unacceptable. You may reveal bitchiness, judmentalness, emotionality, or cynicism. Each couple has to learn each person’s boundaries and know how to communicate calmly and kindly when the boundary is crossed.

    Much of how the communication will be received is in timing and voice tone. While you may feel you are being clear, he feels patronized. He thinks he’s just being direct and you feel chastised. As absurd as it might sound, you may want to set up some ground rules — or boundaries — about how to communicate when your boundaries have been crossed. If your letting your true thoughts be known includes making comments that he doesn’t appreciate, you need to agree on a way he can tell you that. If he makes cracks about things that are sensitive to you, you need to be able to tell him without getting angry, defensive, or crying.

    Just like with a Halloween costume, the mask can be more attractive or more hideous than what’s underneath. But I’d rather know — and let him see — the real self, rather than waiting months — or years. Only then, can you make an informed decision whether the true person is someone you want to be with or not.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Eliciting your friends’ reactions to your guy

    After dating a guy a while, you want to introduce him to your friends. You’re hoping they’ll see how terrific he is. But what if they don’t? You are torn between wanting to know what they think … and not. Some women defend their man if their friends say anything negative about him. But what if they see something glaring that you’re overlooking?

    What if you could get their feedback in a non-threatening manner? Leslie, a friend of a friend, figured out a fun way to do this. She invited her close pals to a party to meet her new guy. Each guest was given a “Rate This Man!” card. After interacting with her new guy, before they left they marked their responses to multiple-choice questions:

    First Impression
    ___ Not the pick of the litter. Good luck. No!
    ___ Could be a date. Will you share? Maybe.
    ___ He’s a treasure. Yes!

    Attractiveness
    ___ Keep the lights off; yikes! No!
    ___ OK, but I’d keep looking. Maybe.
    ___ Um, sorry, I got distracted. Yes!

    Personality
    ___ A cold fish, throw him back. No!
    ___ Invite friends for company. Maybe.
    ___ A woman’s man. Mmmmm. Yes!

    Sexual Potential
    ___ Buy more batteries. No!
    ___ Oh, what the hell. It’s only sex. Maybe.
    ___ I’m imagining …, yum. Yes!

    Rate This Couple
    ___ Coffee shop only.
    ___ Could be fun.
    ___ Tropical honeymoon.

    I wasn’t at the event, nor do I know Leslie, but I’m imagining the guy in question was in on it from the beginning, perhaps even helping create the possible responses. If so, it would show he had a good sense of humor, was confident he’d get good scores, and was a good sport.

    Did Leslie and Mr. X review the responses after everyone left? Imagine how awkward it would be if the majority of answers were in the “no” category. At minimum, it would be interesting conversation fodder. It would let you see how he reacted to the information — whether he took it good-naturedly, got defensive, or angry. And it would give you a glimpse into what your friends thought, even though they may be less than candid.

    yellow flagDoes it really matter what your friends think as long as you think he’s great? Yes and no. If they are true friends, they are interested in your happiness and good will. Their antennae will be looking for any yellow flags that you may have overlooked. But most friends won’t offer this feedback freely, unless you have asked and they believe you really want it.

    Everyone’s opinion is filtered through their own biases. Mr. X may have reminded your best friend of her ex, so she hated him immediately. A male buddy may be harboring a crush on you, so will only point out the negatives of your new guy. Or your sister longs for a relationship so much and wishes one for you, that she’d give thumbs up to any man with a job who’s breathing.

    And yet you have to balance their opinions with how you feel. After all, you’re the one dating him and hanging out with him. You may see a tender, caring, sensitive side that doesn’t come out in a party situation.

    So if you hear a trend in your friends’ comments, take it to heart. But if only one person doesn’t like him, chock it up to his/her bias. Ideally, you’re able to keep a fair and balanced view of your guy, even as you’re falling for him.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Do you infantilize your guy?

    Infantilize: Treat (someone) as a child or in a way that denies their maturity in age or experience.

    In “Does he want a ‘mommy’?” we discussed how some men want a woman who will take care of them. Let’s talk about the flip side — women who treat the midlife man they’re dating (or married to) like a child.

    Perhaps she doesn’t do it all the time, but sometimes — occasionally — she questions his judgment, or treats him like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He may be successful at work, making important decisions, yet in their relationship she sometimes second guesses or criticizes his decisions.

    If you’re the one doing it, you’re not usually aware you are. And when it is pointed out, a common rationale is, “I’m just trying to help.” Maybe you have evidence (at least to you) that he hasn’t made good decisions in this area in the past, or you generalize that men don’t make good choices around this (e.g., appearance or decorating), or you have some experience from the last man/men you’ve been with who have not done this particular thing well.

    I’m not proud to admit that I have some experience infantilizing a man or two (and probably more). I have all sorts of justifications for why I question his past, present or future decision. And yes, I usually defend my egregious behavior with the aforementioned, “I’m just trying to help.” I was convinced I was, although the outcome, of course, was 180 degrees from helpful.

    swim trunksHere’s a recent example. My sweetie wanted to buy a pair of swim trunks as we planned to relax in the hotel hot tub that evening. I was to accompany him, erroneously believing he wanted my input. At the first store, he chose a pair labeled “large” and said “This should fit.” My ex wore a large and he weighs 50 lbs less than Mr. Romantic. I suggested, “Let’s hold it up to your waist and see if it will work.” I did and it was definitely too small, as was an XL. We went to another store.

    This time the trunks were tagged with waist sizes. He grabbed one labeled with his measurement and said, “This will do” and started toward the cashier. I suggested, “Don’t you want to try it on?” He said, “No. This is my size.” Feeling that since just moments ago he thought he was a large and clearly wasn’t, and knowing he’d lost a large amount of weight recently, perhaps he was a little fuzzy on his current size. I held up the chosen trunks to his waist and they, too, didn’t look like they’d fit. “I really think you should try them on,” I said, thinking I was being helpful.

    Now you, astute reader, already know that this was not received as helpful. It was heard as bossy, mothering, condescending, and yes, infantilizing. He glared at me. Then he stomped towards the fitting room. A few minutes later he beelined past me when I asked if they fit. Back at the swim suit rack he grabbed another pair and marched toward the cashier, with nary a word to me. (See “The first fight” for lessons from this encounter.)

    He later explained that if he bought the wrong size, he would just return them or buy another pair. My attitude was 1) that would be a waste of money as swim suits aren’t usually returnable, 2) we drove an hour to this store from our seaside resort and it would be doubtful we’d return that evening if they didn’t fit, and 3) if he didn’t have trunks that fit, he couldn’t accompany me to the hot tub, which would be less fun.

    Serendipitously, a month later his 22-year-old daughter had a nearly identical experience with her boyfriend. They were swim trunk shopping and he grabbed a pair. She suggested (insisted?) he try them on, and he was incensed that she thought he didn’t know what size he wore.

    Now some of this is chocked up to women’s experience trying on clothes and having the same size fit completely differently from one manufacturer to another. Because of this, women nearly always try on clothing before purchasing, and wouldn’t think of buying a swim suit before trying it on, no matter how psychically painful. Also, when women shop together it’s commonplace to try on something and get the other’s opinion, often helpfully points out it pulls over the rump, or the color makes you look jaundiced. Men have a very different experience of shopping, it seems.

    This example helps us understand why women treat men in ways that men interpret as condescending. (I know men also infantilize women, but we will save that for another discussion.) And perhaps it’s just part of Venus and Mars and we should all just reread John Gray’s classic book.

    While not all patronizing behavior is designed to “help,” some of it is. The other justification women use to explain why they treat a man like a child is that he is acting childlike! A pal recently shared that her 50ish date refused to put on his seat belt. Men I’ve dated have behaved in ways reminiscent of adolescence. If they are going to act like a child, it is hard to resist treating them like one! But of course, they are men and know the consequences of their actions, so why would we take it upon ourselves to try to suggest their behavior is immature?

    Because we’re trying to help!

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Slow down, you move too fast

    Yesterday, I spent time with a colleague I hadn’t seen in a long time. I knew he had been online dating so was interested in an update.

    He had decided to run his dating life similarly to how he runs his business. He’d troll for suitable prospects on dating sites, then send an email to each with a link to a 12-page web site outlining every detail of who he is and who he is looking for. This page included much more information than an online profile allowed. In addition to his hobbies, profession, health, food, religion, he included his sexual frequency preference! He says this detailed information eliminated women who aren’t a match.

    Recently, a woman responded with a 3.5-page version of her own preferences in his categories. They met within days and she removed her profile within a week of posting it. Although they live a 3-hour drive apart, after a few months dating, they are now engaged.

    The missing piece of this story is that this 50-year-old colleague has been married 4 times before. I have no idea how long he dated before marrying, nor how long he was married to each. But based on this whirlwind romance, I’m wondering if he’s repeating a pattern of quickly falling in love, marrying, then finding out what each other is really like, thus divorcing.

    A nearly 60-year-old gal pal has been married 5 times. Again, I don’t know how long the courtships or marriages lasted. Her last union was a few years. One could theorize that the marriages ended because they really didn’t know each other and took the plunge too quickly.

    In dating, when you meet someone who seems a great match, it’s easy to fall quickly. And it’s easy to ignore the wisdom that you would share with another who was making wedding plans within months of meeting: “Slow down!” When it is you, you argue, “But this is different” or “But he’s the one” or “But I’ve never felt this way before.” So why rush? If he’s the one, he’ll still be the one in 6 or 12 or 24 months, won’t he? So unless you are thinking you want biological children and the clock is ticking, why sprint to the alter?

    You’ve heard of hasty marriages lasting a lifetime. But more frequently quickie nuptials crash and burn fast. Remember the hours-long Britney Spears marriage? You want to make sure it is likely to last before tying the knot. Divorces are just too damaging to go through if you can avoid them.

    Parsley, SageWhen you find yourself talking about moving in together or marriage within weeks of meeting someone, remember to recite the first line of Simon and Garfunkle‘s “The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy)“: “Slow down, you move to fast.” But instead of “You’ve got to make the morning last” how about saying “We’ve got to make sure it will last.”

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Is his diet a problem for you?

    Or is yours a problem for him?

    In past postings, I’ve explored how the way a man eats can be problematic (eats salad with his fingers, chews with his mouth full, picks up pork chops with his hands in a nice restaurant). But we’ve not discussed how what he eats — or doesn’t eat — may be a problem, too.

    Generally, I’m for being as forgiving, understanding and tolerant as you can possibly be about minor mismatches. “So,” you may be asking, “what do I care what he eats as long as we match in other areas? Aren’t we being a bit petty here?”

    Yes, for many it doesn’t really matter. And if you’ve only dated men who eat generally what you eat, then you don’t see how this might be a challenge.

    Wendy’sHere’s where it becomes dicey — you only eat healthy fare — fish and vegetables, maybe organic chicken. He is a fast-food king. Yes, you can get salads and grilled chicken at most fast food places, and fish, albeit typically fried. So while you don’t mind eating a Wendy’s salad once in a while, it’s not your preference. But if he nearly always prefers fast food, you can see the argument coming.

    While the above can be a true challenge, it’s not really restaurant eating that tests your relationship’s mettle. You can generally get something both of you will eat, even if you have to order something not on the menu.

    While you would think cooking at home would be even easier, it isn’t always. My ex dabbled in vegetarianism over the years and I supported his choice by cooking along his preferences. If I wanted a chicken breast or occasional steak, I’d cook one. Not that this was a big problem, but if I wanted to roast a whole chicken, I ate it for a week, or invited friends over to share, or froze some.

    But when we ate out, previously we’d often share an entree, wanting to be mindful of our waistlines. So when he was vegetarian, I was my making more modifications to my preferences, not him. When you love someone you learn to make compromises. But in this area, it seemed I was the one who was making the compromises, not him.

    pastaOne man decided he was going to lose 50 pounds soon after we began dating. He stopped eating anything white, so when I went to his house, we didn’t eat pasta, rice, or sourdough bread. I know this is a healthy way to eat and went along with it as I, too, would love to lose weight. But I wasn’t as committed to it as he was (he had heart problems and was highly motivated), although I know it would have been good for me. But I longed for some of the forbidden whites, even in small portions.

    I dated a vegan for a while and finding dinner solutions that we could both enjoy became a challenge. So we’d fix separate things, or I’d supplement the meager salad with a chicken breast or cheese. And darn, we didn’t go together long enough for me to lose weight on this spartan diet!

    What if he’s said he wants to lose weight and yet he continues to eat high-fat, fried, unhealthy food? You can say something and he might see your trying to help as nagging. No one likes food police.

    Or what if you want to lose weight or eat healthily and he continues to serve you high-calorie okrafoods or suggest going to unhealthy restaurants? I remember visiting a friend in New Orleans and he took me to his favorite restaurant. I scrutinized the menu, trying to find something that wasn’t deep-fat fried. I finally asked that the fried salmon be broiled instead. My friend’s order was delivered — a foot-high fried-food mountain of shrimp, crawdads, catfish, okra, French fries, and other Louisiana fare. It was hard for me to watch, especially knowing he had health challenges.

    Or what if you have developed a sophisticated palate and enjoy fine foods and wine? But your guy is a beer and pizza aficionado. Unless you both realize you have to compromise a bit, or agree to only go to your very favorite places with friends who share your tastes, this will be a problem.

    Have you experienced any food polarity problems with your dates? If so, how have you worked it out?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • The money talk

    My 63-year-old gal pal has been dating her 70-year-old boyfriend a few years. They recently returned from a fabulous vacation. I asked her how they worked out expense sharing.

    heart moneyShe said since he makes significantly more than she does, he pays for hotel, dinners, and other large expenses. She buys breakfasts and simple lunches. She may pay her air fare, but when they are first discussing the trip if she doesn’t feel she can afford it, she tells him. If it’s something he really wants to do and wants her company, he’ll pay all or part of her air fare, too.

    I asked how this evolved. She said that they talked about it in the beginning and have just worked it out as each case came up. Her beau is not a wealthy man, but is working and has wildly variable income. When he’s flush, he’s very generous. When he isn’t, they don’t do as many luxurious things.

    They live in different cities. He comes to see her more often than she to him. She cooks nearly all meals when he’s at her place, so they figure that evens things out a bit. They may go out once or twice when he visits and he generally picks up the tab.

    It interests me to understand how dating couples work out financial details especially after dating for a few months. When my ex and I dated, neither of us had much money. We’d take turns buying dinner and a movie. And we didn’t do anything that was costly. After we were married, we generally split everything 50/50, although if I was having a good year and he wasn’t, I’d subsidize our vacations. This never happened in reverse.

    moneyWhen I’ve gone out with affluent men, I’ve not made a big deal out of taking turns buying dinners. I tended to buy the movie if he bought dinner, or invited him to my house for dinner. In “Are you stingy in dating?” I shared that even well-off men like it when a woman offers to buy him coffee or an ice cream cone once in a while. And if a man had an income similar to mine, I’d tell him I’d like to take turns buying dinner or lunch so it was more balanced.

    In “Go dutch or accept your date’s offer to treat?” we discussed some people’s tendancy to insist on going dutch when dating. The effect is not always a positive one. The same is true when nothing has been said about your treating ahead of time and the check comes. Your date picks it up and you snatch it out of his hand. It often leaves him feeling emasculated.

    How have you worked this out when you’ve dated someone longer than a few months? Have you discussed it explicitly, or let it happen in the moment?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • How are you about receiving gifts from your guy?

    HornblowerIt’s my birthday! Since my sweetie’s work week ends at noon today he’s flying in this afternoon to take me on a dinner/dance cruise and spend his “weekend” with me. But you already know how thoughtful he is. (See “The art of wooing is not dead.”)

    The other day he told me he’d been shopping for my birthday gift. I’d forgotten to tell him that his presence was my present as he was already spending a lot on air fare. But he wanted to give me something I could hold — besides him!

    The other reason I wanted to dissuade him from gift giving — but it was too late — is I’m hard to buy for. Dates and beaus have given me “safe” gifts of flowers, books, stuffed animals, etc. I appreciated their thoughtfulness even if I wasn’t always thrilled with the gift itself. But I still liked how generous the guy was to not only think of giving me a gift, but to follow through.

    Gift giving was usually traumatic in my childhood and marriage, so I still have some baggage around it. While I try to be Zen about it now and appreciate whatever I get — or nothing — it can still be a sore spot. In the past, I felt invisible babydollwhen my family gave me gifts that had nothing to do with me. Several Christmases I locked myself in the bathroom crying after gift opening when I looked at my gifts and there was nearly nothing that I had requested or wanted. I rarely played with baby dolls, but my mother gave me one each birthday and Christmas until I was 14! She loved them — I didn’t. My older brother bought me albums he wanted, my older sister would buy clothing that she could borrow.

    My ex was no better, although not as self-focused in his gift giving. His first gift was a tiny pendant he’d bought on a business trip a few months after we began dating. Now, I’m a tall woman, 5’10” and not waif like, but not zaftig. I wear large earrings and necklaces to match my frame. This pendant would be like an ant on me — completely unnoticeable. I thanked him and put it in my jewelry box to remind me of his thinking of me, but I never wore it.

    steamer trunkSo you see, I enter this gift-receiving arena with trepidation — and steamer-trunk sized baggage.

    Of course, I don’t think I’m hard to buy for! (Do we ever see that in ourselves?) Only after my ex and I had many discussions about it did I come to see that my taste was challenging for him. My point of view was, “It would be easy if he just opened his eyes and looked and listened!” Hints were all around him. I am a football fan. Did he ever buy us tickets to a game? No, he bought me a life-sized cardboard cutout of my team’s quarterback. I collect colored depression glass. Might he have gone to an antique store or eBay and rounded out my collection? I frequently play my favorite recording artists. Did I ever get one of their latest CDs? You know the answer to these questions.

    And if he’d just opened his eyes, he would have noticed I wear larger jewelry, not ant-sized pendants. I’m sure whatever my sweetie gives me today will be based on his observations of things I like and that I will like it.

    So my question to you is, how are you when a beau gives you a gift for a significant occasion? Even if you graciously receive it in the moment, if it isn’t on target, do you let him know? And what do you do then — stuff it in the closet, take it back, or re-gift it? If he’s around your place much, he’ll notice it isn’t prominently displayed, used or worn. Then what?

    And if this mis-gifting happens repeatedly, do you do what I’ve done in the past and make it mean that he isn’t paying attention to you? Or do you just accept whatever is given as a token of his affection?

    godiva(And, dear readers, Godiva is always appreciated, even as a belated birthday gift. I’ll gladly email my address to anyone who wants to send along a pound or two. <g>)

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Is he crazy — or are you?

    They fell quickly and hard. Within 2.5 weeks of meeting, they were exchanging I love yous. They spent every weekend together and most weekday nights. They were sure they’d found their soul mates. The sex was frequent and fantastic. Then something shifted.

    They started fighting frequently. She was often late to their assignations — sometimes 2.5 hours — without informing him. When he called to check on her, the Desperate Housewivescommon excuse was “I got caught up in Desperate Housewives (or some TV show).” Did she not know about Tivo? Or that she could watch the episode anytime on abc.com? And isn’t it ironic that as she watched the ebbs and flows of romance on the show, she put her own relationship in jepordy while a hot, enthralling, attentive sweetheart waited for her 10 minutes away?

    In their 3 months dating, she insisted he come to her house for overnights, not because she had kids, but because it was easier on her. She didn’t have to pack an overnight bag, nor find parking in his urban neighborhood, even though he had to circle several blocks to do the same in hers. When he expressed his preference to share overnight hosting, she accused him of having commitment issues.

    But he felt she was “the one,” so suggested they go to couples counseling. Although she had been in therapy before, she insisted he go by himself as it was “his problem, not hers.”

    A long time ago, a boyfriend tried to convince me that I “really needed counseling.” While I’m sure I could have benefited from a trained professional’s input, I resented that he didn’t see he had any role in the problems we were having. How arrogant to assume an otherwise normally functioning person is to take all the blame for a relationship’s misfires.

    In recounting his story, my friend asked, “What do you think? Was I right in ending it, or should I reconsider? Was she crazy or am I?” Knowing him reasonably well, I would not consider him crazy. He’s one of the more evolved, intelligent and grounded men I know, who is not afraid of initiating difficult conversations. Although he’s 10 years younger, I can’t convince him he would really like dating an older woman — me!

    I responded to his questions that, based on what he told me (acknowledging that I only heard his side of the story), she sounded self-focused and immature, although she is 35 (he’s 42). He also shared other examples and I observed that she made decisions that affected them both, and used flimsy reasoning as the basis for her decisions. She became angry when he expressed a different preference. She got upset when he occasionally had work to do on a weekend, yet didn’t see a problem when she buried herself under school course work for weekends in a row. She wanted him when she wanted him, and if he wanted to work out, or see his friends for a few hours, she’d get upset.

    Seem a tad bit controlling to you? You bet! This woman displayed classic self-focused behavior that we sometimes complain about men exhibiting. The controlling virus is present in both genders, of course. I prescribed my friend read “When breaking up is a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card” and although he broke it off, “How to trump being dumped.”

    What do you think? Was he crazy to break up with her? Have you ever been in a similar situation? What did you do?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • The first fight

    boxingNew relationships frequently end over a first fight. Sometimes there isn’t even an actual fight, but one of you says/does/doesn’t do something that upsets the other and it’s over — without a word ever being a said about it.

    So a first fight is important. Not that I’m encouraging you to pick one, but when it happens look at it as part of the relationship-building process. Of course, you may go for years without having a fight, and I’m not sure if that is good or bad.

    Even great relationships involve differences of opinion. Both parties have to be willing to voice their opinions, even if their voices may become agitated in the process. My ex and I rarely fought in 20 years together. I saw this as a sign that we could communicate our differences without getting upset. Only in the divorce mediation did I learn there were lots of things he was upset about, but never voiced. So he became passive-aggressive instead. I interpreted his behavior as forgetfulness or moodiness, never identifying it accurately. It would have been better if we’d fought, as the issues would have then been out in the open.

    The important parts of a fight to pay attention to are:

    Before:

    • What triggered it — Of course you can point to exactly the thing you/he said/didn’t say/did/didn’t do. But that is rarely the true cause. This action/inaction is usually a trigger from something from the past. The quicker you realize that and stop acting like it is the current event, the wiser you’ll be. And the less prone you’ll be to reacting to an ancient trigger. If your ex was always late and didn’t apologize then you’re going to be more upset with your current beau’s tardiness, even if he does apologize.

    During:

    • What was said — Was there blaming, name calling, cursing, condescension? Was the anger overblown for the situation? If he calls you despicable names, you know that is a sign of deep anger issues you don’t want to be around. Within the first 10 days of dating, the crazy psychiatrist and I had a disagreement and he called me the “b” and the “c” words. I should have ended it then, but didn’t and endured more of his immaturity and unbalancedness until finally we had a fight and I never heard from him again.
    • What wasn’t said — No sharing of emotion, no sharing at all — just silence. If he won’t talk about how he feels about what happened (“I felt disrespected”) and focuses only on the action, you’re going to have a hard time understanding what is going on with him. Or if he just gets silent, he’s not willing — or doesn’t have the skills — to communicate what’s happening inside. If he needs a cooling-off period, he needs to tell you so you aren’t left wondering why he’s clammed up.
    • Actions — Is there stomping, door slamming, leaving in the middle of the fight, ignoring the other? These show that he doesn’t know how to deal with anger maturely. However, if he says, “I need some time to cool off so I’m going for a run,” accept that he wants to be level headed when you next talk.

    After:

    • Talking about it — Did one of you bring up the upset calmly, wanting to discuss what happened? If it’s always you, that’s a yellow flag. Both of you need to be mature enough to talk about what happened. Were there apologies from both sides? It might have been you that triggered the upset, but if he overreacted or said cruel things, both of you need to apologize. Was there discussion to understand the other’s perspective? If it was just brushed under the rug, that’s a bad sign.

    I find it’s not just what a guy gets upset about that tells me a lot about him. It tells me volumes how he fights (or doesn’t, thus passive-aggressiveness), as well as what happens afterwards. If a guy isn’t willing to talk about it, I know he’s not for me. While I’m not always proud of what triggers me, or how I fight, I am always willing to talk about it afterward. If there’s no processing of what happened, it doesn’t work for me.

    If he’s willing to discuss it rather than just bailing because it’s an uncomfortable conversation, I know he’s interested in staying around for a while. The question here isn’t, “Are you willing to fight for me?,” it’s “Are you willing to fight with me and trust that we both care enough about the other to stick around to discuss our differences?” While I haven’t had many fights with beaus, the few times it’s happened the most common behavior is for him to just disappear afterward. A few have tried to act as if nothing happened. This is not good.

    Of course, this knife cuts both ways. If you know you do any of the above (silence, stomping, name calling, etc.), then examine your own behaviors. Perhaps an anger management, assertiveness, or communication class or counseling would be of value to you, as well. I find even midlife people don’t know how to communicate maturely, especially when they are upset. There are plenty of resources on how to fight fair, but I think you have to have practice this skill in a safe environment to learn it, rather than just read about it.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • When to remove your online profile?

    You’ve been dating your guy for a little while — perhaps 1-3 months. You like him a lot and he seems to like you similarly. You have no interest in seeing anyone else, and he says he isn’t seeing anyone else. He asks you what he says to men who email you, and you say, “Thank you but I’m seeing someone right now.” He says he does the same thing to the women who contact him.

    So why is his profile still visible on the dating site? And for that matter, why is yours?

    This subject of when to remove or hide your online profile is a tricky one. If one of you removes your profile and the other doesn’t, it can cause tension. In fact, removing it within the first month of dating can make him think you are more serious — or needy — than he is and may scare him. But not taking it down after having the “exclusivity” discussion can cause more problems.

    I remember dating a man for a month before checking the site on which we met to see if I had any new emails to which I needed to respond “No thank you.” I was surprised to see that he had been on the site the same day! He’d told me he wasn’t dating others, so why was he online? I asked him. He stuttered something unconvincing. While I thought everything was going swimmingly, I could see by his actions that he was still fishing in the pond. I began to check the site daily and noticed he was always on within 24 hours.

    So when should you hide or remove your profile? Whenever you’re disinterested in meeting others. You don’t have to announce this to your guy if you don’t want. However, at some point, typically somewhere between 1 and 3 months, if you both say you want to be exclusive, you need to remove your profile from public view. It shows the other you are serious about removing yourself from the dating marketplace. To not do so shows you are still wanting to see who else might contact you.

    Yahoo!PersonalsIf you check back a week later and find his profile is still visible to the public, ask him about it. Some sites, like Yahoo!Personals allow you to hide your profile from anyone new, but those who you’ve had past contact can still see it. So don’t log in when you check or you’ll still be able to see his profile, even if he’s hidden it.

    You can hide your profile without actually canceling your account. When you both decide to cancel your accounts — to all the sites on which you’re listed, not just the one on which you met — it shows a deeper commitment. No, you don’t have to be living together or engaged at this point, but sure that you want to give this relationship all you have. If he balks at canceling, he’s not serious.

    And if you balk when he asks you to remove your profile or cancel your account, you are still unsure. Let him know. Don’t string him along, just as you wouldn’t want him to lead you on. The proof is in the profile — or lack thereof.

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • How to detect the end is near

    the end is nearMany midlife women have shared that they are blindsided, as I have been, when a man breaks up with them or just disappears. We are curious what signs we missed that the end was coming. Here are a few things I and others have noticed in retrospect.

    • He starts acting jerky. A friend shared with me that when he wants to break up with a woman, he starts acting like a jerk so she’ll break up with him. The reason he wants her to break up with him rather than the other way around is because there is less drama for him that way.
    • He calls less. You can tell there’s been a shift when he calls less frequently than in the past. He’d been calling every day and now starts skipping a day or two, giving you excuses why he “forgot” or “got busy.” Once in a while this is okay, but if his daily calls are now every 2 or 3 days, look at it as a yellow flag.
    • He touches you less. If you usually hold hands while walking, now he puts his hands in his pockets. If he usually puts his arm around you in the movies, now he holds his drink the whole time.
    • He doesn’t talk about future plans. There is no “Let’s go to XXX this weekend,” or “We should go see that new movie.”
    • He neglects his grooming. He no longer bothers to shave before seeing you, or put on cologne, or wear anything other than old sweats. Yes, as you get more used to each other, couples usually relax their grooming habits. But now he never seems to want to look good for you.
    • He doesn’t want to go anywhere. Instead he wants to bring in a DVD and take out — or have you cook. He’s not willing to invest any money in you and the relationship. You have been relegated to booty call.
    • He goes home after said booty call. Not much cuddling, and no waking up together. So no spending the next day together.
    • He takes home his stuff. If he kept a toothbrush at your place, or other personal items, they begin to go home with him until there’s nothing left.

    What have you noticed are signs that the end of the relationship is near?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.