This morning I received an IM from my most recent ex-beau apologizing for having hurt and disappointed me. It allowed me to have closure, even though I had already released him in my mind and moved on. But actual closure, if done sanely, maturely and with care, has value even though closure just in your mind can be satisfying.
In our 45-minute discussion I was able to tell him how deeply he hurt me and share my feelings. I had considered doing this via email but thought he might delete it without opening it. So the IM discussion gave me the opportunity to share with him my reaction to his insensitive text and I know he heard me, whether or not he fully understood how his actions affected me.
While he didn’t seem contrite about how or what he said in his breakup text, he did acknowledge what I shared and apologized throughout for causing me anguish. But he also reiterated his decision. This was not an “I’m sorry, please forgive me, take me back” discussion. Both of us acknowledged the love and kindness the other had shown us, but that we now saw some critical ingredients were missing. We wished each other the best of luck in finding someone to meet our needs.
Although IMing this kind of conversation seems cold, it actually was easier for me as I was able to think through what I wanted to say in my message. Also, I would have had a hard time talking through the tears, but typing was not a problem.
It felt good to express my feelings and know they were received. This kind of closure feels much more complete than the one-sided closures we make in our mind when a man refuses to discuss his decision to move on or just goes poof.
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Comments
4 responses to “Closure is a good thing”
What a blessing to be able to say what you need to, know that it was heard and be able to move on. Thanks for sharing this deeply personal time in your life. It gives the rest of us hope.
Catherine: Thank you for your kind words. I always wonder if I’m sharing too much of stuff that doesn’t interest my readers, so thanks for the reinforcement!
DG
Fear not. Your blog is fun and I find that a lot of your ideas and insights are not gender specific.
You know that we all relate to the personal!
Interesting: I just wrote a blog entry about trying to apologize by email… and how it flopped. That ex doesn’t know what IM is, so it wasn’t an option. In the end, we need to let go of our anger and disappointment in person.