Do you experience conflicting dating advice from relationship “experts” and/or savvy friends? I do. While I share my insights, lessons and yes, sometimes advice on this blog, there are many issues about dating I’m still figuring out.
A current dilemma is around whether to cook for a potential suitor I had several dates with many months ago. Some time ago he did me a giant favor and I offered to cook him dinner to show my gratitude. He declined at the time saying I didn’t have to do that. Now, many months later, with no communication in between, he emails “You still owe me dinner.” While I’d love to see him, I’m not feeling as beholden as I did when the offer was tendered, and am a little miffed that he hasn’t communicated a peep in the interim months. I’m not really feeling I want to knock myself out cooking for him, but I would like to see him.
If you believe Why Men Love Bitches, you would cook nearly never for a guy you’re dating, as you don’t want to be seen in a mother role. Contrast that with the counsel of a wise friend who’s taken courses on understanding men. She reiterates the old adage about the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and that cooking is just the thing to endear a guy to you. As long, of course, that you wear something appealing if not sexy, and not your mother’s apron and baggy dress.
And others on the “cook for him” side of the ledger would say if he’s taken you out to dinner several times, you reciprocate by cooking for him. But the “don’t cook” argument would be led by the “don’t try to even the score” aficionados. A friend says offer a picnic with deli sandwiches or a take out meal, but I know he grows weary of store-bought food.
Another quandary I face is a man I haven’t seen in a year nor talked to in seven months wants to see me again. When he went poof he had a very busy travel schedule and was only home 2 days/month for the several months we were in contact after we had 3 very good dates.
He’s Just Not That Into You argues that if a guy is into you, he’ll find 5 minutes to call and say “hi” several times a week, even when he’s on the road. This guy didn’t so I assumed he must not be into me enough to call. He told me that he often worked 16-hour days on the road and didn’t call his mother or grown kids either, so if I wanted to talk to him, just call. This didn’t feel right to me, so after calling him a few times I stopped.
However, my aforementioned friend says that men compartmentalize, focus, and don’t multitask as well as women. So it could very likely be true that this guy didn’t think of anything else but work when he was away. And when he was home the few days a month, he had other issues to attend to.
Sounds like the excuses women make for men in He’s Just Not That Into You.
So which advice do you listen to? Ideally, you listen to the various input, then try to separate your rationalizations from your gut feelings. However, even your gut can be swayed by your heart, which can be coerced because of longing or loneliness to interpret signs the way you want to see them.
And where is the line between trying to truly understand and respond to how men think, and playing games to manipulate them to do what you want? Where’s the division between being honest and direct with your needs and desires vs. not sending him running with your straightforwardness?
I wish I had advice for you on this issue. This is one time I have more questions than answers. How do you sort out conflicting advice?
Technorati Tags: dating Internet, dating online, senior dating, bbw dating, mature dating, dating over 50, dating over 40, online dating advice, dating after 40, dating after 50, over 40 dating, 40+ dating, dating after forty