I was chatting with a male friend about why the majority of the “bad” dates listed in “Men behaving badly” involved men moving too fast. We discussed if these guys were just horn dogs or if I was sending off subtle signals that were being misinterpreted.
He: How do you behave in pre-meeting phone calls and emails?
Me: I’m flirty, but not sexual. I compliment him on things he says or has accomplished. I ask questions, contribute to the conversation, and laugh appropriately. I am not suggestive or sexual.
He: How do you behave on a first date?
Me: I’m focused, pay attention to my date, smile, laugh, and if I like him, I might touch his arm. If I feel a warm connection to him from multiple emails and calls, I’d give him a hug hello.
However, I don’t initiate hand holding or kissing. And I certainly don’t start sexual conversations. And if he starts one, I work to keep it tame.
He: I think because you are warm, playful and flirty in emails and calls, when the guy meets you his motor is already running.
This means the guy is already feeling sexual toward me. He may have entertained fantasies (some have shared they have). Then when he meets me, if he likes what he sees, he goes into behavior that would usually be reserved for later dates. Because we have already bonded to some degree beforehand, it feels like we already know each other, so the first meeting is somewhat a formality.
Thus he feels comfortable going for a passionate kiss or other signs of affection. In his mind, we are already on a second or third date since we know a bit about each other, and already like each other.
So, while I felt these guys were treating me like I had “slut” written on my forehead, they were just responding to the warm connection they were feeling. Smiling and steady eye contact is interpreted as interest, so since I am comfortable doing both, the guy was seeing green lights everywhere. Coupled with some touching, he thought I was inviting him to move full speed ahead.
So what to do to slow a guy down? Do I have to change my personality and demeanor entirely? I don’t want to give off false signals, but I also don’t want to be someone who acts cold or disinterested, doesn’t smile or breaks eye contact when I like a guy. Now I am better at saying, “We need to slow down,” when he’s coming on like a locomotive. If he doesn’t back off, then time to extricate myself.
What signals do you think you send that are misinterpreted? How do you slow down over-eager guys, that doesn’t involve a glass of ice water to over-heated body parts?
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Comments
4 responses to “Do you get his motor running, or why does he read “easy” on your forehead?”
Funny you should write about this, it’s something that’s been on my mind.
Being a child of the late 60’s, early 70’s, much like yourself, we all know about the good night f***. That was sort of the thing you did back then.
Now that we are (hopefully!) more discriminating the situation is different, but we’re still the warm, vibrant, open people we always were.
I write really good, chatty, interesting, even erudite emails and give very good phone, so yes, by the time an actual meeting happens it really does feel like you’re much further along the relationship road than you probably already are.
And I’m smile-y and eye-contact-y, as well as arm-touch-y when I feel comfortable with someone. I’ve only been on a few dates so far and I live in Blighty, where guys tend to be a bit more reserved. Or I’m just good at picking nice guys! Up till now I’ve only had a quick peck at goodbye (one time at hello), and a hug at goodbye. Any arm touching was on my part, and I did deliberately attempt not to do too much.
I wonder what will happen if I meet a guy who really pushes all my buttons. Till now they’ve been nice, but no fireworks at first meeting. Will all reason fly out the window?
I don’t like aggressive or leachy guys, it makes me feel pressured and uncomfortable, so I’ll let you know if I happen to meet up with any of them and what I choose to do!
I think the antidote to this type of lecherous behavior is to keep the pre-meeting email/phone communication to a bare minimum before the first face-to-face meeting. A gal can be witty, flirtatious and fun but dispense it in small doses before meeting. Men say that they don’t have any expectations but they always do, (they can be positive or negative expectations but they are expectations nevertheless), and those expectations have a way of growing and mushrooming into something big the more engaging, positive and drawn out the preliminary email/phone contact has been. Also, a lot of guys, if they are still newbies to the online dating scene, may not realize how easy it is for some women to “give good phone” like Gatti says, and that just because there was a flirtatious rapport over email or the phone doesn’t mean that they are going to get to third base, so to speak, on the first date.
Yes, Elena, I too believe that if the first few emails and phone calls are enjoyable, then you should get to face-to-face as quickly as possible. Actually if I get a good vibe from the *first* phone call I usually am bold and ask if they want to meet. If it doesn’t click then for some reason, you haven’t invested a lot and there is no regret in letting go of that person, or any fear of leading them on or hurting them. What are a very few emails or phone calls in the grand scheme of things?
I have similar pre-meeting behaviour, similar 1st meeting behaviour, EXCEPT I don’t do arm touching. Maybe once during the date. I think that may be sending the wrong signal, as I always hug all my dates goodbye but I’ve never kissed anyone on a first meeting, and they’ve never been aggressive with me. That’s what the 2nd meeting is for, and if you like eachother you’ll both really want it. I often don’t even kiss on the 2nd date. The ones I want to kiss are very eager by the 3rd date! I think I might send out signals that I’m slightly more reserved than you, and your attempt at being warm might be seen by the Males as sexual interest. You know how different they are then the Females….