You may answer, “No. A man has to treat me right or he’s out of my life, no matter how handsome he is.”
Or perhaps you realize that good looks do buy some good will, often more than is warranted. It isn’t something most of us are proud to admit, but yes, we do allow hunky men to get by with some behaviors we wouldn’t accept from others. Shallow, I know.
During my recent 5-month whirlwind romance with a handsome and chiseled man, a good friend repeatedly asked, “Would you put up with his nonsense if he wasn’t so good looking?” I sheepishly answered, “Probably not.”
Part of it, I think, is we consider the whole package when we make our decisions about what to tolerate and when to put our foot down. If my ex-beau had been only eye candy, the tolerance threshold would have been much lower. I’ve gone out with handsome men who were arrogant, selfish, and inarticulate, all of which are turn offs. So if a man is only great looking, there’s not enough to hold my interest. But if exceptional looks are coupled with other attractive characteristics, the combination can cause you to look the other way when faced with marginally acceptable behaviors.
I’ve often said, “Yummy is as yummy does” since an average-looking man becomes more attractive as you get to know his kind, generous, romantic or courageous spirit. And I’m not proud to admit that sometimes yummy does provide indulgences for not-so-yummy behaviors.
So should you not date hot men? You should date anyone you find interesting, stimulating, and attractive. But be vigilant in noticing what you accept that you wouldn’t endure in a not-so-handsome man. You should be treated always with the utmost respect and not lower your standards just because he’s gorgeous.
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Comments
8 responses to “Do you let hunky men get away with more?”
Very good point.
I put up with incredible heartache because I thought he was so cute plus had everythng else I wanted.
Had he been unattractive, I would have seen he wasn”t ANYTHING I wanted.
How he treats me has to take precedence over how much he turns me on. Because the latter isn’t worth anything if the former isn’t consistently good.
Annie: I think we may have been dating the same guy!
🙂
Really interesting question!
I was just thinking about this… yes, it’s hard to say “no” to hunkiness. But even more than that, there’s something about sexual energy that pulls me in. I think that’s really the key. If a man is average looking, but he has the extra flare, that assertiveness…. that’s what attracts a woman. When he acts scared and unsure, it’s a turn off.
Agree?
My friends were shocked when I gave up on a gorgeous, accomplished, charming man. He was not the one for me. It took me 6 weeks to go from dazzled to reality. I have to admit I let him slide on a few things because he was such a great package. We had a great attraction but wanted very different things. I’ve learned from the experience to look a bit deeper .
As a man, I know I’ve at times become an idiot in relationships with beautiful women, and not paid enough attention to my own long-term best interests. But reflecting on this post, I realize there’s more to it than mere looks.
It’s really about how I’m feeling about myself. When I haven’t been confident about myself — my own looks, say, or my “success” in life — I’ve tended to be more attached to the outcome of a relationship. “Wow, SHE wants to be with ME?” gave a jolt to my sagging self-image; and the more attached I was to that jolt and therefore wanting (needing) the relationship to succeed, the more I let her “get away with” behavior that didn’t serve me.
The more attractive she was to me, the more her being with me made me think I must be worthy. And physical attractiveness was unquestionably a component, sometimes the major component. But there are other components also — intelligence, verbal cleverness, sexual energy — that make a woman attractive to me.
Bottom line: the more attracted I was to her (for a variety of reasons), and the less sure about myself I was feeling at the time, the more that was an unhealthy combination that led me to become attached to the outcome and accept behavior from both of us that wasn’t conducive to a stable, long-term, loving relationship.
Cupertino: You are very astute! Yes, I think that is exactly what happened with me. I think I was in a low period and thought, “Wow! A hunky man who says he’s smitten with me. How can this be?” And yes, you’re right, it did lead me to accept behavior that wasn’t healthy — at least for me. At one point, I remember telling a friend, “Men who look like that aren’t attracted to me who look like me.” So I set myself up to be taken advantage of, entering the relationship feeling one down rather than equal. Sad, I know.
Hi DG,
IMHO, some men and women who have better than average looks expect to be treated like they’re “all that,” simply because they’ve always been spoiled by members of the opposite sex and so they’re conditioned to expect star treatment from anyone and everyone who crosses their path, (which I refuse to lavish on anyone, regardless of looks; kindness, yes, slavishness, no way, Jose).
My philosophy is simple: I prefer to socialize with the more average looking, down to earth types, as myself; that way friendship is much more likely, even if a romantic relationship isn’t necessarily in the offing.
Hugs from bookyone 🙂