I’m becoming pickier as I date longer. In the beginning I’d have coffee with nearly anyone who asked, as long as he was polite, could spell reasonably well in his profile and emails, and didn’t curse or get sexual.
However, now that the thrill has worn off of meeting an avalanche of new men, I’m more discerning about to whom I’ll give my time. I encourage you to find a balance between meeting interesting new people and weeding out those who clearly aren’t a fit before committing to even coffee.
A few days ago I was contacted by a new man from a dating site. His profile was articulate and well written, but I was troubled that his main photo showed a man 10 years younger than another clearly more recent photo he’d posted. A bit of bait and switch, I’d say. Did the gray-haired gent not realize he looked considerably older than the dark-haired man in his primary photo?
After a few email exchanges — some of his were completely in all caps, a pet peeve of mine — he asked about getting together. I ignored this question the three times he asked it, answering others. I wasn’t sure I wanted to agree to get together yet.
Finally, I offered that we chat by phone first. We exchanged numbers and I suggested we talk that evening. He informed me he went to bed at sunset and arose at sunrise. I guess that means we wouldn’t ever go clubbing — unless it’s in Alaska in the summer! And what about when the winter sun sets here at 4:30? Does he have dinner at 4:00? Or maybe he hibernates all winter.
I said to call when he felt like it and if I was available I’d answer. He called a little after sunset at 7:45. I told him I was surprised to hear from him after dark as I thought he’d be in bed. He said he was!
Throughout the 45-minute call, there were several signs we weren’t a match. Ten minutes into the call, I lost him. The phone hadn’t disconnected, but there was total silence. I said his name a few times to no response. I hung up. A few minutes later he called back, saying his son called on the other line. He couldn’t have said, “Listen, my son is calling; can I call you right back?” No, he just took the call without mentioning it to me!
He proceeded to bash a few organizations and individuals I hold dear. He complained that one thought leader I admire was arrogant, then made a racial slur about him. He was negative about his past wives, even though the most recent divorce was 8 years ago! He said in the 8 years he’s been dating he’d only found one woman his intellectual equal — and she was messed up!
He asked little about me, and when he did and I began to answer, he interrupted. Not good social skills.
So when my phone said my battery had 30 seconds left, I informed him of this and bid him adieu. I won’t be having coffee with this man — ever.
You learn so much about a man even in a brief conversation. On the phone you aren’t distracted by his looks, so you can really hear what he talks about, his view of the world, and how interested he is in knowing about you. You can’t tell if someone is a good fit, but you can often tell that he isn’t. If there are no red flags, go ahead and have coffee. But if there are things you hear or feel that don’t sit well with you, pass on spending time getting together.
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