I’m becoming pickier as I date longer. In the beginning I’d have coffee with nearly anyone who asked, as long as he was polite, could spell reasonably well in his profile and emails, and didn’t curse or get sexual.
However, now that the thrill has worn off of meeting an avalanche of new men, I’m more discerning about to whom I’ll give my time. I encourage you to find a balance between meeting interesting new people and weeding out those who clearly aren’t a fit before committing to even coffee.
A few days ago I was contacted by a new man from a dating site. His profile was articulate and well written, but I was troubled that his main photo showed a man 10 years younger than another clearly more recent photo he’d posted. A bit of bait and switch, I’d say. Did the gray-haired gent not realize he looked considerably older than the dark-haired man in his primary photo?
After a few email exchanges — some of his were completely in all caps, a pet peeve of mine — he asked about getting together. I ignored this question the three times he asked it, answering others. I wasn’t sure I wanted to agree to get together yet.
Finally, I offered that we chat by phone first. We exchanged numbers and I suggested we talk that evening. He informed me he went to bed at sunset and arose at sunrise. I guess that means we wouldn’t ever go clubbing — unless it’s in Alaska in the summer! And what about when the winter sun sets here at 4:30? Does he have dinner at 4:00? Or maybe he hibernates all winter.
I said to call when he felt like it and if I was available I’d answer. He called a little after sunset at 7:45. I told him I was surprised to hear from him after dark as I thought he’d be in bed. He said he was!
Throughout the 45-minute call, there were several signs we weren’t a match. Ten minutes into the call, I lost him. The phone hadn’t disconnected, but there was total silence. I said his name a few times to no response. I hung up. A few minutes later he called back, saying his son called on the other line. He couldn’t have said, “Listen, my son is calling; can I call you right back?” No, he just took the call without mentioning it to me!
He proceeded to bash a few organizations and individuals I hold dear. He complained that one thought leader I admire was arrogant, then made a racial slur about him. He was negative about his past wives, even though the most recent divorce was 8 years ago! He said in the 8 years he’s been dating he’d only found one woman his intellectual equal — and she was messed up!
He asked little about me, and when he did and I began to answer, he interrupted. Not good social skills.
So when my phone said my battery had 30 seconds left, I informed him of this and bid him adieu. I won’t be having coffee with this man — ever.
You learn so much about a man even in a brief conversation. On the phone you aren’t distracted by his looks, so you can really hear what he talks about, his view of the world, and how interested he is in knowing about you. You can’t tell if someone is a good fit, but you can often tell that he isn’t. If there are no red flags, go ahead and have coffee. But if there are things you hear or feel that don’t sit well with you, pass on spending time getting together.
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Comments
7 responses to “Dodging a bullet”
DG, obviously a good idea to not get involved with someone like that but it was a match from a dating site? The pool of men who are using dating sites are men who have had zero success meeting and establishing relationships with women or are simply trolling for random sexual encounters. Good men don’t have to use the internet to find prospective partners so women are already fishing in a fouled pond. There can be exceptions and anecdotal evidence of finding Mr. Wonderful but I wouldn’t recommend it to women.
Thanks Jack, I always suspected that. That was my experience. Lets add that they continue trolling thinking, even after they meet you, that someone better on the site my pop up next.
To DG–YIKES!!!! It was very worth the contact for the story and the laughs we got from it. The next conversation you probably would have found out the reason why he goes to bed so early is that he is really married and that is when his wife gets home. LOL
Yes, that was also my experience with the online dating pool. Although there are exceptions, the vast majority of the men on online dating sites are not that great to begin with and they never stop trolling the sites, regardless of what they tell you. And they are usually signed up on a dozen other sites, so you would never know if they were telling the truth. I did the online dating thing about 8 years ago, and once in a blue moon I look again out of curiosity… and it’s the same guys still on there LOL Very nice to hear a similar perspective coming from a man (thanks, Jack :).
Most women I know that tried it also gave it up eventually, with similar experiences. It sounds like DG is heading in that direction as well. A year from now, she will wonder why she gave that guy even 5 minutes of her time. Actually, a year from now, her reaction would probably be to delete his mail after seeing the discrepancies in his profile photos and not even give him 5 seconds of her time.
Now, this is not to say that all men on dating sites are bad. There are a few gems tucked in there, but weeding through the rest of them gets very tedious and in the end was not worth the waste of time for me. However, all that said, back when I first started I did meet a good guy I had a nice relationship with for 3 years and we are still friends even now. HOWEVER… this was 8 years ago, and the pool of men on the sites was a lot different back then. While it still may be possible to meet a good one that way now, there is a much larger number of men on the sites overall, and probably an even smaller percentage of good ones. While it was rare to find a good man back then, it’s probably similar odds as winning the lottery now (or worse).
I love DG’s phone call story – really hysterical!
The one experience I had with dating a man from an internet dating site was as follows: he is a MD, said he was 44, the night before we met, he said he was actually 50, and that he looked considerably younger; and when we met, he looked more like 60 – no kidding! He wore a running suit, a dirty white t-shirt and flip-flops to our brunch meeting.
We were fine on the phone except he would not tell me where he practiced, not even the type of medicine or where in the city (I live in Los Angeles,so there are tons of doctors here – did he think I was going to stalk him?) he was somewhat nervous – but when I got there and the man looked so much older than his photo, I wanted to run but felt it was poor form to do so. We had a very nice conversation, he tried to kiss me after and I turned so he brushed up against my cheek, and he wanted to go out again but I told him there was just no chemistry.
The next thing I knew he had changed his online profile to say he was 48 – STILL a lie! – and kept the old photos on there, etc. I laugh about that a lot but am enjoying my fabulous beau who I dated for the first time 17 years ago, and who I called three months ago to re-establish contact. So far he has been fabulous – and we already had quite a bit of history. I left him many years ago because he did not want to date only me. Now he is doing just that and we laugh about that a lot – it was finally time for him to make that “commitment”.
Epilogue: He emailed me this morning (perhaps at sunrise) inviting me to attend a concert with him this evening! Needless to say, I thanked him for the invitation and declined. I can’t imagine driving an hour to attend a several-hour concert with a man I don’t even want to have coffee with!
I made the mistake of meeting a couple of online-contacts after phone calls like the one you had – guess it took me a few times to get ‘burned’ before I learned! DG, you are worth SO MUCH MORE than that!