I had a hot and heavy relationship with a man I dated for 5 months. It was one of those instant chemistry situations and after our second date we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We saw each other once a week, sometimes for several days, even though he lived less than an hour away. He always brought me a gift, and in between visits he sent me daily loving text messages, IMs, emails, and/or e-cards. Nothing salacious, just romantic and sweet.
The relationship progressed quickly, something I told myself not to do. But I was so drawn to him, and he to me, it was futile trying to put the brakes on. It seemed we were both falling hard and fast.
I thought he was being a gentleman by always making the journey to my house so I didn’t have to drive the hour to his. After a month, I suggested we share the driving burden and meet at his house occasionally. He always had a viable reason this wouldn’t work — various parts of his house were being remodeled so it was a mess. Then when those projects were done, he had relatives staying. On and on. I even wondered if he was married or had a girlfriend since he was so adept at keeping me out of his place. But he was so loving and attentive I pushed that thought aside.
I noticed he had a reason to decline attending every social event to which I invited him. So he never met my friends. I told him it was important to me that we were in each other’s social lives. But he never invited me to meet his friends, so it felt like he was keeping me at arms length the whole time.
When he visited, he’d take me out to dinner or to the movies. But our physical pull was so strong, before or after — or often both — we’d end up you know where. I tried not to think that this was a purely sexual relationship because he was attentive in between trysts. But the absence of any social interaction with the other’s friends eventually made it clear that he didn’t want a real relationship with me.
Finally, after telling me many times how perfect we were for each other, how much I meant to him, and how he envisioned being with me for decades, he declared we weren’t compatible. I suppose the chemistry ran it’s course for him. I was heartbroken, even though I could see we had major differences in our relationship goals, preferences and expectations. Still, it stings to have someone you are attracted to break up with you, even if your logical self knows it isn’t going to work.
The lesson — which I could have told myself beforehand if I were advising someone else — is to take it slow. Make sure you both truly want the same thing. Even if you both say you want an exclusive, committed long-term relationship, you don’t really know what that exactly means to the other until you’ve gotten to know each other for a while.
Do I regret this relationship? No. In many ways he taught me important lessons and I will cherish the good times we had together. There were indications of our incompatibility in the second date that I chose to ignore, even when they were repeated. There was so much that I thought worked that I was willing to compromise or chalk up to no relationship being perfect.