By now you may have heard of the story shown on the Today show last week, “Inside the Mind of Casanova.” Paul Janka, a tall, good-looking, 32-year-old Harvard-educated writer, shares his philosophies, and techniques for picking up and bedding women. He claims he is upfront that he just wants to have “fun.” We have no idea what he really says to them. It would have been interesting to talk to some of the women he’s wooed.
When asked if he knows he breaks women’s hearts, Paul says he can’t take responsibility for women who misconstrue his actions. He claims he would like to get married but until that right one comes along, he’s going to enjoy himself with a variety of women. And he believes the women have a similar point of view. Perhaps some of them do.
While his arguments and demeanor are convincing, he doesn’t realize that most women feel some attachment to a man after sex. So he thinks he’s being responsible by telling them upfront, he doesn’t seem to understand he’s contributing to their attachment. On one level you could agree that he’s not responsible for their feelings since he’s stated he’s just wanting to have fun, and by their compliance, the women do too.
But there’s something in many woman’s make up that thinks he’ll want more, even after a one-night stand. So who’s responsible here? Yes, she’s responsible to say no if she knows she is likely to get attached. And he holds some responsibility to know an intimate interlude is likely to create some attachment in her. If he’s unwilling or unable to realize this and not behave in a way that’s likely to elicit her response, he needs to not do it.
It is like anytime you behave a certain way you can somewhat predict a response in the other, whether they are a stranger or friend. Of course, you aren’t always accurate. If you smile and say hello to a store clerk, 90% of the time you’ll get a returned smile. If you are pleasant to someone, they are most likely going to be pleasant back.
So Paul seems clueless that his actions are likely to result in a reasonably predictable reaction from the women — one of attachment. He feels he’s filtering out the women who are prone to become attached by being upfront. Perhaps he is. Since we didn’t hear from any of the 100+ women he claims to have seduced, we don’t know.
(BTW, Paul has shared more details about his philosophy at http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/22161502/.)
I’m not inclined to vilify him nor condone his actions. Since we’ve only heard his story, there is not enough evidence, only conjecture. I share this item to get your thoughts. Has someone told you he’s not interested in a relationship and just wants to have fun? If so, did you proceed? Did you find yourself feeling attached afterwards?
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