Swapping dating stories with a guy pal, I said, based on my observations, it seems many midlife men have forgotten how to date and be with a woman. He agreed. He hasn’t been in a relationship in a few years and he’s so used to being single he admits he’s forgotten some dating skills.
This is from a charming, intelligent, accomplished, good-looking man who’s dated a lot since his last long-term relationship 3 years ago. But he said he wasn’t sure what to say when the woman he’s been seeing for a few months said, “I’d like us to spend the weekend together.” He blurted, “What would we do?” He wasn’t sure if they’d run errands together or she was thinking they should go away. He was clueless what they’d do.
I’ve noticed that a lot of midlife men don’t know how to “date” — meaning how to plan anything beyond movies and dinner. Which is fine occasionally, but they don’t seem to know how to plan something more interesting than that — a hike, picnic, concert, comedy club, museum visit, or weekend away. There are even books on ideas for fun, romantic dates, but these guys have either never heard of them or haven’t read them.
Guys also don’t seem to understand that women appreciate being asked out a few days in advance. The more days in advance, the more important the woman feels. And the better a woman feels about the man, the more smoothly the date goes. Not that occasional spontaneity isn’t fun. But if you only get, “What are you doing in an hour?” phone calls, it makes you feel like you are an afterthought.
It seems that long-single men also seem to have forgotten how to take into consideration what the woman would like. Yes, often they will ask what kind of food I’d like or what movies I want to see, but I’ve told most dates that I love to dance and only one has taken me dancing — and he did so begrudgingly. (See “Being in step with the dance of dating.“) If a man only knew how much mileage he’d get out of doing what I like once in a while!
And of course there are things that most of us would think would be no brainers — sincere compliments, occasional flowers, basic gentlemanliness (walking on the curb side of the sidewalk, letting the woman go first, helping with a coat, taking a heavy package) and showing you’ve made some effort to please a woman. I’ve been surprised at how often these things don’t happen, even with educated, accomplished, intelligent, midlife men.
So why don’t men brush up on dating techniques before they get back into the dating world? I wish I knew. Women are better at reading books and articles on the subject, or asking friends. Men, I guess, don’t think they need to know anything more than what they do. However they would have much more success in the dating world if they took time to refresh their memory and buff their skills. The object of their affection would be much more enamored with just a refresher of important behaviors.
Comments
5 responses to “Midlife men have forgotten how to date”
Goddess,
I’m not so sure I agree that ALL “midlife” men don’t know how to “date.”
As I’ve said before, when I was 20, my idea of a “date” was dinner at a low-cost restaurant and the drive-in movie. Girls seemed to like it, because I dated a lot. I saw “The Sting” 13 times, each with a different date.
However, I do admit I took the woman I finally married to a Barry Manilow concert. So romantic.
These days, I’ve taken dates on hikes, to concerts, to great dining venues, to the beach, to live theater, etc.
I think what I’ve lost is the ability to “romance.” You have to admit, Goddess, things are different than they were 20, 30 and 40 years ago. Women are realizing they don’t need men to have a great life and it takes a stellar man to meet their needs. Those stellar men … most are already married.
I know calling the day of an event is pretty rude, but with all the choices we have, and the places to find those choices … the internet, cable, arts sections and, yes, even radio and TV, sometimes you stumble onto an event you think might be fun.
It’s OK, Goddess, to express your feelings about what you’d like in proper boyfriend behavior. If you said you didn’t want phone calls the day of, I’d try to make more of an effort to plan ahead … knowing we’d miss some great day-of entertainment. But, if you’re spontaneous, even better.
Steve:
> I’m not so sure I agree that ALL “midlife” men don’t know how to “date.”
Yes, of course. In the first sentence I did say “many.” You, of course, are one of the few who know how to show a woman a good time.
> Those stellar men … most are already married.
Not all. There’s a great one in Portland who still knows how to be a gentleman and show a woman a good time without pressuring her. 🙂
> I know calling the day of an event is pretty rude, but with all the choices we have, and the places to find those choices … the internet, cable, arts sections and, yes, even radio and TV, sometimes you stumble onto an event you think might be fun.
Absolutely! Not all spontaneity is bad, just if that is all there is it gets old fast.
> If you said you didn’t want phone calls the day of, I’d try to make more of an effort to plan ahead … knowing we’d miss some great day-of entertainment. But, if you’re spontaneous, even better.
Yes, of course! See, you are great bf material!
I don’t know that it has so much to do with age as it does lack of maturity and the fact that so many men I’ve met seem self-absorbed. I find a “laziness” with the men I’ve dated in recent months. Even when I’ve had a full-blown relationship, the guy seemed to be content to sit at home and watch TV instead of thinking of things we could do for a real “date”. I was taken for granted much too soon with that one. But, I think the art of courting seems to be a thing of the past for a lot of men. It doesn’t take a lot of money to think of innovative things you can do on a date. I don’t mind spur of the moment things if it doesn’t conflict with my work schedule. A guy who simply cannot plan on something ahead would not work out for me. I need a guy who won’t break plans and will honor his dating commitments. Too many guys are not serious about wanting a relationship. They waffle and leave the woman hanging a lot. Has happened to me way too much lately.
Men are not good at asking for directions, so sad.
Steve: I think the dating pool is smaller as we get older and some of those fish that have been thrown back in for a reason.
Goddess, I think if you’re talking about midlife men who have been married and divorced (or widowed), it’s probably because their wives probably did all of that for them!
I agree with Steve — telling your partner what you want (in a loving and kind way) is good — well, essential. No one is a mind reader. And it’s important that the woman makes suggestions for fun, too, and plans things that HE enjoys.
I recently dated a man who was “old school” — he made plans for dancing or movies or dinner (and he paid!), etc. That hadn’t happened to me in a while, and it felt nice. But some of the best times we had were cooking a meal together, and then sitting in his hot tub under the stars.
And when I really felt the need to party (which he often didn’t), I called my girlfriends.