My gay “boyfriend”

He sent a beautiful bouquet for my birthday last month, arranging for its arrival the day I returned home from SE Asia. He’s accompanied me to dress-up events, donning his Armani tuxedo with pleasure. He’s the epitome of a gentleman at these events, offering his arm to escort me, taking my coat and fetching it from the coat check, holding my chair to seat me, making sure my drink is never low, dancing when I want and schmoozing with my business associates, even ones I know he doesn’t like. He keeps himself buff, is current on world affairs, is respected as a thought leader, is generous with charitable contributions.

So why isn’t he my full time beau?

He’s gay. Not bisexual.


The other day another gay friend asked if I’d ever fallen for a gay man thinking he was straight. Yes, in high school my regular “beau” for two years was an attentive, well-dressed, fun guy who came out after going off to college. I can’t say I was surprised as we never shared more than a peck kiss, but he was so much of what I wanted in a boyfriend I overlooked the obvious signs that everyone else gladly pointed out to me.

I asked my friend why he asked the question. He said a lot of women fall for gay men because they are often so much of what the women want. There are exceptions, of course, but the gay men I know tend to be well groomed, take care of their bodies, are considerate, communicative, affectionate, smart, accomplished, witty and funny. What’s not to fall for? In fact, some women think they would make the perfect boyfriend if you’re not interested in sex. The women say they would look the other way while he gets his physical needs met and she gets her emotional, social, intellectual and some physical needs met, like cuddling.

While I’m very fond of my gay “boyfriend” I’m not delusional that it is anything but friendship that he’s expressing. The movie “The Object of My Affection” portrays the situation where Nina (Jennifer Aniston) falls for her friend George (Paul Rudd) fully knowing he’s gay. He is everything her jerk ex-boyfriend is not: communicative, affectionate, able to express his caring for her, nurturing and cooperative. He moves in with her after his boyfriend breaks up with him. Watching them take dance lessons you see the chemistry between them. But her heart breaks when she has to confront the fact that she has fallen in love with a man who can never love her the way she wants to be loved.

So if you have men in your life who you know aren’t available to you, make sure you keep your wits about you and don’t read into their thoughtful behaviors as more than friendship. Just appreciate who they are and love them like a brother.


In Search of King CharmingIf you’d like to explore who you want in your next partner, download your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?


8 responses to “My gay “boyfriend””

  1. Samantha Avatar

    I’m 51 now, and have a gay boyfriend whom I’ve known since high school… several years ago, I let go of his arm as we walked in Disneyland. I later told him it was too hard for me to hold on to his arm sometimes. I told him I noticed how easily I could become attracted to him, so it was best that I kept my distance physically sometimes. He understood completely and replied, “I know.” He came out right after high school, explaining to me “if I were going to try it with a female, it would be with you.” One of those moments in life that we all have that I personally won’t ever forget.

  2. Mitsy Avatar

    Gay guys know more how to treat a woman than most heterosexual men do. There used to be a show on called “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”. I never got to see this show personally, but my sister did and she said it was great. The best advice a straight guy could get on women would be from a gay man because they know more of how women think & how they want to be treated. They also have the advantage of knowing how most men think and react as well to certain situations. I’ve had my share of gay guy friends over the years. They are usually better friends than some of my women pals.

  3. *Juliette* Avatar

    My boyfriend in High School was gay too. We went to the prom together and I knew in my heart he wasn’t heterosexual, but he didn’t come out until after college. Sadly, he passed away 15 years ago, and I miss him almost every day. I guess I’m spoiled by his friendship, because no other man has ever measured up to the way he treated me and made me feel, neither my brothers or the man I was married to for 21 years. Thanks for the great post.

  4. Catherine Avatar

    Once again the Dating Goddess is on target with her comments. I have utilized gay friends as escorts to various social events, and they were exceptional companions. Right now I have a guy friend that I suspect is gay but isn’t “out” yet (too bad because he is over 40 and really should live an authentic life) and we attend concerts and parties together having a great time. If only we could clone the attentiveness and caring of a gay man on to a straight man, then life would be perfect 🙂

  5. Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach Avatar

    On my journey to find love, I started back to contact iwth men with a gay friendship. Same as you have all said, he was the best friend I ever had. He would do anything to help and support me emotionally. He helped me to appreciate men again.

    I can’t help but feel that expecting heterosexual men to behave like gay men is somewhat counter productive. After all, gay men aren’t hetero. So why compare?

    It might be more helpful to consider the benefits of heterossexual men and go from there. Every time you compare or expect something else, you tend to widen the rift between you and the right man for you.

  6. Victoria Avatar

    I’ve never fallen for any of my gay “boyfriends”, but they have made things more difficult for the straight men I date. Basically, thanks to these gay guys, my standards for a life partner / husband are really high. I’m 41, never married, and date LOTS of LOTS of men, and have fun with it. However, for any of the men I date to have even a slight chance at serious commitment from me, they better pay attention to the gay fellows and get their acts together!

  7. Mitsy Avatar

    I don’t think anyone is saying to “not consider the benefits of heterosexual men”. I mean I don’t think any of us actually want to date a gay man BUT the point being that many straight guys could learn a lot from a gay guy as to how to treat women. It isn’t hard to grasp that concept so therefore the “comparison” is valid!

  8. Mark Avatar

    It’s nice to be polite towards women, but the whole deferential thing is a bit troubling. I want an equal partnership between two people. I’ll get the door when I can, but your arms aren’t broken, are they? I can’t be gallant 100% of the time, especially when we’ve been together for some time. Likewise, I don’t expect a woman to be coy and flirtatious all the time. I’d rather she let her hair down and just be who she is.