In response to a friend asking how I was doing, I told him of my most recent breakup experience — how cavalierly and insensitively my now-ex beau communicated his decision. I told my friend that despite my focusing on all the ways this man treated me disrespectfully, I was having a heck of a time moving on.
My wise friend responded, “Often rejection is protection. Think about how his personality would have shown up later on, with even more dire consequences.” My friend was right. If this guy could so coldly abandon our connection after his numerous expressions of devotion and adoration, what if my blind love had allowed us to continue? I’d have even more emotion and time investment in a man who wasn’t right for me.
When you are reeling from it, rejection does not look like a blessing. But even if the rejection isn’t heartbreaking, it is a clear sign that something is not right. To pretend otherwise is to live in a fantasyland. A place I find myself residing a bit too often.
So rejection — even if a cordial “thanks, but no thanks,” is protecting your heart from something that isn’t a fit. I think I’m getting closer to just saying, “Thank you” and moving on without anguish.
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I was dating a great woman, recently divorced, whom I could have envisioned marrying at some point. She would periodically make nasty comments to me, about me, out of the blue. She would feel terrible about them, apologize profusely etc. After about eight months she broke up with me and I was pretty upset about it but it was for the best. She had so much anger about her failed marriage and was taking it out on me. She was protecting me in a way by breaking up with me. I would have put up with a lot but I shouldn’t have put myself in that position. The fog has slowly lifted and I’m better off but its a tough lesson.
It is protection, it’s just hard for the heart to know that sometimes… If only we could see WHY it isn’t a fit, so c;learly that it would be easy to let go. Not taking it personally means we are string enough to know that if we aren’t wanted the way we want to be wanted – then we don’t want him.
Ah, sweetie, we need to trust our gut, our instincts, that voice inside that is so wise. I think we do the one we cancel a favor, for sure, for letting go before they get attached. And I always am grateful when someone shows me an obvious reason so soon not to continue, saves me so much time and anguish. There is no need to apologize or rationalize our decisions. I fear some of us may hang on to someone obviously not right for us, out of fear of loneliness or being alone, but it’s brave to keep our eyes and ears open to seeing the person realistically and taking action quickly. There’s always another one around the corner.
xo Ellen
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