In a seminar I was leading, a customer service provider was irritated by the rude customers she dealt with daily. “I want to know how to get back at them,” she demanded of me.
When someone has wronged us, it is common to want revenge. When a man has led us on, then unceremoniously dumped us without the courtesy of a call or explanation, it hurts. Bad. We want to lash out at him. We want him to hurt, too.
When we hurt, we want the person who caused our anguish to be in pain. And we’re most willing to be the source of their pain!
But revenge accomplishes nothing. Maybe it makes you feel better short term. But since I believe in dating karma I think that the person who harmed you will get his due. It is not up to you to provide his comeuppance.
As I told the woman in the seminar, try to put yourself in his shoes. We have no idea what is going on with him, what past hurts have been triggered by you. All we know is he is not coming from a very high self to treat you this way. You can choose to stoop to his low level and retaliate, or you can take a deep breath, feel some compassion for the pain he must be in to treat another human being so badly, and wish him the best.
Hurting others usually comes from pain. I vividly remember hitting my head hard on a low-hanging door frame when visiting my favorite auntie. Immediately afterward she meant well by saying, “Careful.” The pain was intense and I wanted to lash out, “What a stupid thing to say after I’ve bashed my head!” But I knew that was her way of wanting to be helpful. I was a hair’s breadth away from lambasting one of the people dearest to me because I wasn’t thinking clearly. Perhaps getting close to someone romantically triggered deep wounds for him that you’ll never be privy to.
You may be thinking, “I would never treat someone like that!” However, can you honestly say you’ve never treated anyone, ever, at any time, badly? You’ve never been inconsiderate or rude to anyone in your life, whether family member, friend or stranger? If so, I want to touch your hem. Most of us, even if rarely and unintentionally, have treated someone poorly. When you put it in this perspective, it is easier to have some compassion.
You may run into the man who wronged you in jointly frequented places. You don’t have to hold a grudge. When you see him, you can simply say “hello” and keep moving. Or when you think of him and start to get angry at how he treated you, instead see if you can be appreciative that he is no longer regularly in your life. Release the thought of anger and replace it with one of hoping that he gets what he needs to break through his past patterns of behavior that alienate him from good people like you. And try not to sound condescending when you say this to yourself!
Feelings of desired revenge only fester in you, raising your blood pressure, prompting tenseness, and causing you to wallow in a mental state that you don’t want to stay for long. You can acknowledge your desire for him to be punished, but move through that feeling quickly. He will get what he will get — and he may not appear to ever be punished or change his ways, leaving other forsaken women in his wake. And unless he’s done something illegal, it’s not up to you to be the magistrate.
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