Dating Goddess reader Mark asks:
How do you know if it’s time to move on when you are enamored of the other person, but that person doesn’t return those same feelings yet is still willing to stay in the relationship?
My situation is that I really, really like this woman. She seems right for me. I’m very attracted to her, think about her all the time, gush to her in emails, and so on. I’ve been seeing her for nearly eight months, too, so it’s not like these feelings are the initial rush of romance.
She has feelings for me too and is attracted to me as well. However, she says she doesn’t have the kind of feelings she would expect to have after this much time, and the thought of meeting someone else doesn’t bother her, though she isn’t interested in looking right now. She wonders if it’s something about where she is in her life right now rather than me, but she doesn’t know. We are both in our late 40’s and divorced.
I enjoy being with her and I really don’t want to date anyone else, and the idea of going through the whole discovery process with someone new makes me feel tired rather than excited, so I feel like I’d like to ride things out with her. I also think that we could be happy together, though for her she might be settling if she decided to stay with me.
I really like her, though, so I feel like holding on as long as she lets me hold on. No relationship will ever be perfect, and it’s entirely possible that she and I will never be in a better relationship than what we have right now.
There are a lot of bad dates out there waiting to happen. It’s the imperfect bird in the hand versus who knows what is in the bush? two birds? no birds? lots of birds that are a waste of time?
Dear Mark:
Right now you are her Better Than Nothing guy — the common expression for a lopsided relationship. She likes hanging around with you, but is open to meeting someone else. When she does you’ll be dropped into the “friend” category pronto. That will hurt. I understand part of your rationale, if it were me I’d be thinking, “We just need to hang around more for him to see what a fabulous person I am and fall in love with me.” It could happen. The question for you is, how long are you going to wait? You could be in this limbo for years, not moving forward in the relationship, just hanging out, perhaps friends with benefits from her perspective.
I know you aren’t interested in dating someone else right now, but I’d encourage you to keep dipping in the pool. Two things might happen:
- You may meet someone who returns your feelings equally, or
- She’ll see you’re not waiting around for her and aren’t available anytime she wants so she may see what a great guy you are and those feelings of passion may get kindled.
But putting your life on the shelf while she is ambivalent isn’t fair to you. You don’t want to be with a woman who you fear might feel she settled. You will always be tiptoeing around, concerned that you will do something that will make her leave. You won’t be able to be yourself as you would with someone who is equally committed to the relationship.
I know all too well how daunting it is to think of beginning the dating process again. Yes, there are many, many, many not great starts. And when you find someone who you really fancy, you want to give them as much room as they need to come around. So far — after going out with 91 men in 4 years — I’ve only got heartache from that wait. And wasted a lot of time in the process because I’ve taken myself out of the dating pool.
You deserve someone who thinks you are as magnificent as you think she is.
DG
Readers, what do you think? How would you advise Mark?
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