Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Tag: dating after 50

  • How does your parents’ relationship affect yours?

    Our parents are often our role models for relationships, for better or worse. No matter how much I rejected my parents’ toxic relationship as a template, I’m sure messages of how a couple treats one another were deeply embedded in my psyche.

    USOToday would have been my mother’s 83rd birthday. When my mother was a young woman, she had multiple prospective suitors. She and her girlfriends volunteered to entertain the troops by attending USO dances for soldiers stationed at the nearby military base. She was a fetching, slender, curvy, well-dressed beauty, so caught the eye of many. My father wooed her in person then through letters from his front-line encampment in the Philippines.

    Many men had been interested in courting her. Knowing this, and that my parents’ relationship was tumultuous even from the beginning — including fighting on their wedding day — near the end of her life I asked why she agreed to marry him.

    “Because he looked so handsome in his uniform” she replied.

    “Didn’t other soldiers look handsome in their uniforms? Other men who weren’t so quarrelsome? Who treated you better?”

    She said he looked the best to her, even more so than officers who were sweet on her.

    Was this the primary husband-choosing criterion for a 21-year-old, naive, Kansas farm girl? She was smart — she skipped second grade — so why would she not think how her life would be with this contentious man who got fired or quit all jobs within 2 weeks in their first 4 years of marriage? Did she not think beyond his uniformed looks for other signs of future happiness?

    How much of your parents’ mate selection decisions are you prone to repeat? Are you conscious of why your parents chose each other, and how that may impact how you choose potential mates?

    My mother quickly regretted marrying the man who looked so handsome in his uniform. He seemed to always be threatened by her superior intelligence and his low self-esteem surfaced in his frequent bickering with her and others, resulting in lost jobs, wrecked friendships, and strained family relationships. But after we kids came along, she felt trapped as a divorce attorney she visited painted an even more dismal picture of her life if she left him. She never did get the confidence to leave the toxic relationship.

    How have your parents’ relationship dynamics affected your romances? Even if you consciously reject what you don’t like about their interactions, might there be some subliminal messages that surface when you’re dating?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Are you a dating “hypertaster”?

    You are thinking, “What is DG talking about? What the heck is a hypertaster? And what can it possibly do with dating?”

    wineLet me explain. Yesterday, I had a fabulous day at Copia, the American center for wine, food and the arts in Napa, CA. Being a self-admitted wine dolt, I spent the day taking classes and touring the exhibits and gardens. Starting with “Winetasting 101” and progressing through “Winetasting 102,” “Zinfandel Madness,” and ending with “Introduction to Wine & Food Pairing.” Each program was led by an amazingly interesting and knowledgeable wine educator.

    I have always felt I had an unsophisticated palate because I don’t like most wine. I would be embarrassed when clients or colleagues would rave about the Cabernet or Merlot being served, and I could barely endure a sip. I thought my Kansas-born taste buds were undeveloped as I stuck to less trendy Rieslings and Gewurztraminers.

    In the last class, I learned that I am one of the 25% of the population considered a “hypertaster” or “supertaster.” This means we taste tannin, spices, bitterness, and other flavors much more intensely than the other 75% of the population. This explains why I don’t enjoy most wines, as many have tannin as a key component.

    According to Linda Bartoshuk, Ph.D., a professor of surgery at the Yale University School of Medicine, hypertasters are genetically engineered to have over 38-100 times as many taste buds as a “non-taster,” which is 25% of the population.

    I began to think of this in terms of dating. In “Are you ready to pick a guy?” and “Are you too picky?” we discussed how some daters seem not to be able to find someone for a LTR who is to their taste. I’m curious if this inability to find a delicious match has anything to do with one’s physical tasting ability. I wonder if we hypertasters are genetically predisposed to be pickier? Most of the population — an estimated 50% — are considered “regular tasters.” One article on tasting hypersensitivity quotes Dr. Bartoshuk, “’The world is built for regular tasters,’ noting that such people experience foods as not too sweet, bitter, salty or sour.” I wonder if that holds for their taste in a mate, too? They are more tolerant, less picky, easier to please.

    What do you notice about your own tastes in food and taste in men? Do you think you’re a non-taster, regular taster, or supertaster?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Do you treat him like a friend?

    “Love and friendship exclude each other.” —Jean de la Bruyere

    Common wisdom is that long-term relationships are based on solid friendship. I agree. But I do ponder where is the line between how you’d treat a friend and how you treat your beau.

    For example, with my very best friends I can talk about anything. Yes, anything. My fears, doubts, insecurities. I can boast about a recent success and they won’t think less of me. I can vent about some recent interaction. I can share my hopes for the future.

    I’d hope I can say these things to a long-term partner, too. The challenge comes with knowing the line — if there is a line — of what to share and what not.

    For example, if a friend is considering doing something I think is ill-advised, I feel I have the right, and in the cases of very good friends, the responsibility, to say something. Some less-than-good friends would say, “Butt out. It’s none of your business.” But I expect my friends to point out if they think I’m overlooking something important. In other words, if they think I’m about to do — or maybe even in the middle of doing — something stupid, they speak up.

    Luckily, my friends are socially adept and don’t blurt out “You’re being stupid,” or “Don’t you have a brain in your head?” or “What could you possibly be thinking?” These phrases are more likely to come from family, not friends.

    But I’ve been unsuccessful, no matter how gently I think I’ve phrased it, to suggest to a beau that his course of action may benefit from some additional thinking. No. When I’ve tried this a few times, I sometimes hear that I’m treating him like a child.

    So what to do? Some say to just let him do what he planned and fall on his face. Or live with the consequences. Or maybe it will pan out to his satisfaction, even though you know it would be even better with your added input. I know, this sounds arrogant. But the beauty of two heads is they often are really better than one, and better solutions are created by melding two good minds.

    Could you watch a friend do something you think — perhaps know — is dumb, without saying something? Would you stand by if a friend was going to dive off a bridge into what seemed like a deep pond without first checking if there were big rocks under the surface that could crack her head? What if she got excited about joining a new multi-level marketing venture and decided to quit her job, even though she was sole support of herself and her 2 kids? What if she decided to go to Vegas this weekend to marry that man she’s known only 4 weeks? Could you not at least discuss it with her or him?

    A friend long ago counseled me that men don’t want their sweetie’s input. They want to be successful without any of her suggestions. They can feel emasculated if she contributes ideas he didn’t think of. My friend said to just let my ex do what he would do and praise him whatever the result. Now talk about infantilizing! This seems like something you’d do to a small child.

    Perhaps I’m naive, but I envision my mate being someone who asks for and welcomes my input on his plans. Not everything, of course, but big issues. I often seek others’ input — including those I’m dating. I’m not put off by their ideas, even if I’ve thought of them all before. I appreciate their willingness to noodle on the situation with me. And I welcome someone’s suggesting there might be issues they want to make sure I’ve considered. To me, this is a way they show they care. As long as they do it without the aforementioned condescension.

    The rub happens when there is no request for help from the other, if you just jump in unasked. With good friends, I think there is an implicit — and sometimes explicit — permission to jump in anytime you see something you think would be useful to the other. My more evolved friends have a standard practice of asking, “Do you want my input?” or “Would you like to brainstorm this?” or “Would you like some more ideas on how to accomplish what you want?”

    I always say yes when asked, and have yet to be refused when I’ve asked this of my friends. So what is the big deal when it comes to someone in which you’re having a romantic relationship? You’re friends as well as dating, right? So why can’t you treat him the same way you treat your good friends?

    Share your perspective on this issue. Do you find you can treat a beau as you would your friends? Or are there some areas that are verboten?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Are you ready to pick a guy?

    A former beau and I had an email conversation today. He saw my profile again listed on a few dating sites and asked what was happening. I explained about the meltdown and he suggested we should get back together.

    I tried to reply pleasantly, but still let him know I’m not interested in him romantically. I said, “You have a lot to offer the right woman.” (When I shared this response with a male friend, he made a gagging expression. So how do you tell someone gently — and repeatedly — that you’re not attracted to him? He’s a good guy, not a toad. I’ve written about him before in “He wants romance; you want friendship.”)

    We mused about dating life. I’ve been dating 2.5 years, he’s been at it three. He, like me, has had lots of first dates, and a few multi-month relationships. He’s 60 and getting tired of the hunt. He said:

    “I know this is crazy but at this point in our lives, with the amount of time we have left, we either choose to stay single or better yet, contrive a great relationship and tolerate the best possible person we can find and don’t argue with them. I’m not saying be passive, but tolerant and forgiving of the other’s attitudes and preferences. Then all you have left is great fun, great sex, great traveling, and love.”

    While I understand his point, I’m not quite ready to just choose someone and decide he’s The One. Although I have been interested in what happens in arranged marriages. I asked those whose marriages were arranged how they felt about marrying someone with whom they weren’t in love. The overwhelming response is, “You learn to love them.” As long as there isn’t abuse of any kind, and their mate is a decent, caring, sane person, they have found ways to learn to love him/her.

    baby bathwaterIn an arranged marriage others make the decision; the families do the due diligence for you. In our world, we make the decision, sometimes not doing any due diligence. If someone has many of the characteristics you want, and a few that drive you crazy, can you still learn to love him? Are we too quick to throw the baby out with the bath water if we find someone with whom we’re generally compatible?

    Or would that be settling? If you felt you settled, would you ever be happy? Or is the elusive soul mate just a myth? Real-life couples who seem to have fabulous relationships don’t share their setbacks, so it appears they are madly in love for years and years. And maybe they are.

    What do you think? After dating a while and finding some “almost-perfect” guys, should you just choose to be with the next one who seems pretty darn good, even with some glaring warts? Or should you hold out for one for whom you can fall head over heels and he for you? Is there a point where you need to decide to wait no longer?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • The anatomy of a relationship meltdown

    meltdownSome DG readers have emailed asking what’s happening with Mr.Romantic. They have noted a decided absence of any reference to my “sweetie” the last 2 weeks.

    We had a meltdown. It started over something dumb, but then escalated to yelling and disparaging remarks. This prompted me to rethink if I was willing to continue with someone whose company I enjoyed, but knew there were some big deal breakers. As much as I tried the techniques I’ve suggested to you, I was unable to put them aside. The insights I had during and after have spawned many of the recent postings.

    I’ve looked at my contributions to the meltdown, as well as his. I am not without error. I made mistakes. In our last two phone conversations, I yelled back at him when he began yelling and making inaccurate statements about what I felt, thought and my motivations. But in reviewing the emails of this meltdown, I never got accusatory nor affronted him personally.

    I asked a former beau, who I’d dated last year for 2.5 months, if Mr. Romantic’s accusations paralleled his impressions so I’d know if I was misperceiving my actions or if Mr. R was filtering them through his own past wounds. I was assured that he had never seen any of what Mr. R described. Was it that I never behaved as Mr. R said, or that I just didn’t act that way with my former beau?

    So what happened? The details are unimportant. In “The first fight” I talk about the importance of noticing the three parts of the fight process: before, during and after. In this case, all parts spoke volumes. I saw behaviors in him I hadn’t seen before. While we sometimes say things we regret in the heat of anger, I don’t believe we say things we don’t mean. I think we speak our naked truth during this time, as our social filter is removed. We say exactly what we think, so you get to see an unmasked view of the person’s perception of you.

    His unscreened view of me was so loathsome I knew that even if we got through this, I’d always know he interpreted my behaviors in the worst possible way. How could you continue to date someone you knew put up with what he considered odious behavior flaws? Could I ever feel I could be myself knowing nearly everything I said or did was being misconstrued? I didn’t envision this as the way I wanted to live my life.

    So while it was he who said “I’m done,” I didn’t try to dissuade him from his decision. As it is, I’ve endured a stream of scathing emails. If it was I who pulled the plug, I imagine the stream would have been a river. I now understand why some men just go poof — if they think their trying to talk rationally with someone will result in irrational blistering vitriol. And I’m reminded of “When breaking up is a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card.”

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Review of “Ex-Wives Club”

    There’s a new five-episode series called “Ex-Wives Club.” Its hosts, Shar Jackson, Angie Everhart and Marla Maples, whose apparent qualifications are that they are good looking, are minor actresses, have had 15 minutes of fame because they were connected to famous men, and have been divorced, although Shar doesn’t even meet that qualification. She is the mother of two of Kevin Federline‘s kids. Angie’s marriage to Ashley Hamilton lasted 4 months, Marla’s to Donald Trump lasted 5.5 years.

    In the promo, it says, “How do you mend a broken heart? By getting angry, getting even and getting over it!”

    I agree with two of the three.

    • Get angry. Yes, anger comes from sadness — disappointment that something didn’t happen the way you wanted or expected. You can get angry — or angrier — with him. And you can get angry with yourself for putting up with whatever or not doing something. The point is to fully express your anger, yelling, crying, hitting pillows — whatever it takes to move through it. If you don’t, it will keep leaking out inappropriately with your next suitor, your friends, coworkers or even yourself.
    • Get even. With this one I disagree. Getting even is childish. In “Releasing revenge” I discuss how it may make you feel better short term, but it only perpetuates the hurt and anger between the two of you. Best to just let it go.
    • Get over it. Absolutely. Release what you need to release, take a deep breath and step into your future. Mend what needs to be healed and move on. In “It’s moving day!” I encourage you to pack up all your past relationship hurts, release them and move on.

    At one point, we see Angie confronting the ex of Rebecca, the woman guest. Now what did she hope to accomplish by ambushing and challenging him? Did she want him to admit being a jerk? To rethink his treating Rebecca poorly? I don’t know. But it didn’t make Angie nor the show look like they were playing with a full deck.

    Spritual DivorceThe show does offer hope and assistance to the guests for moving on. This is great. The best thing about the show is Debbie Ford, transformational coach/workshop leader and bestselling author. I first learned of her work through her book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. It spoke to me deeply. So during my divorce, when I was looking for books to help me through the process, I was thrilled to discover Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life.

    Marla took on helping the male guest, Kevin. She took him for a makeover, got him new clothes, and even helped him promote his mortgage business.

    After Rebecca got a makeover, they wanted to set her up on a date. Shar and Angie trolled for suitable men. The one who agreed — not only to the set up, but to be filmed during the date — was cute, educated, intelligent, attentive, and the date even ended in a kiss!

    Wouldn’t it be great if we all had fairy godmothers (sisters?) to take us under their wings and transform us physically and emotionally, set up business opportunities and pre-interview our dates, all on a seemingly unlimited budget? This is the fantasy. But most of us only have our friends, family and counselors, and limited funds for our own recovery after a traumatic break up.

    If you watch the show, share your impression. Is it good because it offers hope? Or bad because it encourages revenge and hypes an unrealistic quick-fix recovery after a devastating relationship ending?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Do you want an “E-Ticket” guy?

    DisneylandIf you visited Disneyland or Disney World before 1982, you remember what an “E-Ticket” was. If you don’t, it refers to the entrance tickets for the park’s most thrilling or interesting rides, like the Matterhorn bobsled, and other state-of-the-art activities. If you were a normal kid, you loved the E-Ticket rides. As a 10-year-old, I remember my 15-year-old brother trying to snooker me out of my E-Tickets in exchange for his A-Tickets, which were for the sedate rides. But I didn’t fall for it!

    Now in dating, I find guys falling into categories paralleling the ticket letters. An “A-Ticket” guy is nice, safe, and perhaps a bit boring. An “E-Ticket” guy is exciting, thrilling, and maybe a tad on the wild side.

    e ticketThe beauty of dating is you get to decide what kind of ticket you want. At Disneyland, you could buy a book of mixed ticket levels. In dating, that’s what dating around is for. You try different categories of “rides” (dates) to see what you like. Maybe you decide you like mostly C- or D-Ticket type of dates (let’s say that’s dinner and listening to a band at a club). You then look for guys who like to do mostly those kinds of activities.

    But what if you’re an E-ticket gal and like on-the-edge recreation? Let’s say that’s rock climbing, parachute jumping, and motorcycle riding. If you find an E-ticket guy, you’re in heaven. You know to steer clear of the A-Ticket guys who mostly like to read, play chess and watch TV.

    My own preference is for a mixed-ticket guy. I like some E-Ticket activities, although my definition of E-Ticket doesn’t include the ones listed above. I like exciting things (I’ve walked across a 12-foot bed of hot coals, climbed a 25-foot tall pole and leaped off, and swum with stingrays). But I like a cross-section of activities, sometimes including A-Ticket ones like reading, watching TV, and napping.

    What’s your preference? Have you discovered your optimal guy’s ticket level? Or do you like a mix?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • After the breakup, what if you miss him?

    No matter if you broke up with him or he with you, after a while — days, weeks, months — you may begin to miss him. The horrible things he said or did may fade and only the good parts are remembered. His sweet kisses, great sense of humor, thoughtfulness, and generosity are increasingly on your mind. It’s called selective memory.

    cloudsIt’s hard to remember that you broke up for a reason. If you called it quits, it was over some deal breaker that you thought was insurmountable. On reflection, you’re now thinking maybe you were too picky, rigid or uncompromising. His foibles are now cloudy, but his assets are shining bright.

    If he broke up with you, it was over something he felt was an impasse. Do you think he’s had a change of heart? Do you believe if you promise to change, it will win him back? Perhaps. But he’d be contacting you if he wanted to explore it.

    People — especially midlife people — have a difficult time making radical changes. It can and does happen, typically after some dramatic event like a health challenge or other wake up call. Or changes can occur after a stern talk with themselves or a loved one that their current life is light years away from what they want and they’d better make big changes now.

    So, if you want him back, are you willing to make sustainable changes to fit what he says he wants? If you are highly motivated, then you can do it. However, most of us drift back into our old habits after a while.

    plugIf you were the one pulling the plug, if you get back together do you trust that he’ll make the changes needed to satisfy you? Or are you willing to live with the former deal breaker(s)?

    I broke up with a man I’d dated for 6 weeks early in my post-divorce dating life. I apparently did it gently, as we’ve kept in touch. Every 6 months we’ll have dinner or see a movie. He has said he wanted us to be an item again, and I repeatedly tell him that I’m just interested in being friends. While I enjoy his company as a pal, every time I’m with him the things that got on my nerves come out again. Seeing him reinforces that I made the right decision. (See “He wants romance; you want friendship.”)

    After dating a man for 6 months, I broke up with him for a variety of reasons. After a month, I’d met no one who was as attentive and I missed him. I was tempted to make contact, but reminded myself why I’d cut it off. The issues that I found unacceptable weren’t easily changeable, so I felt it was unfair to require those as a condition of our having a relationship. And they were not things I felt I could learn to live with. So I released him so another woman with different criteria could find him.

    When I’ve been the person who was released, after the hurt wears off it can be easy to yearn for my former beau. My suggestion: don’t make contact. Unless your breakup was over something really silly, don’t give in to being drawn back into a relationship that he said goodbye to. That means it wasn’t a fit for one of you, which means it’s not a good fit. Period.

    If the relationship ended amicably, you may be able to be pals, as long as you aren’t secretly harboring a desire to get back together. That only makes you crazy. And when he starts dating someone else, it will put an impossible strain on your friendship.

    So know that it is natural to miss him. Especially if you are lonely (or horny). But don’t try to get back together. With very few exceptions, it will just elongate and exacerbate your heartache.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • When he tells you he loves you

    You’ve been dating a guy for a little while — no more than a month. You get along great, enjoy your time together, and perhaps have had a sleepover (or two). But you’re just getting to know each other, and you aren’t even sure if you’re interested in him long-term, although you enjoy his company. But there are some yellow flags that make you doubt that you’ll be together in six months. You try to put aside your concerns and just focus on enjoying your time together.

    Then it happens. As he hugs and kisses you goodbye, he whispers in your ear, “I love you.”

    You freeze. While you’ve longed to hear those three words — but not necessarily from him — you are caught off guard. What do you do? Do you utter “I love you” back, even though you know you are fond of him, but don’t quite feel “love” at this point? Or do you convince yourself that loving someone is the same as being fond of them, so it’s okay to say it?

    If you hesitate too long, he’ll know it’s an obligatory “I love you,” not a heartfelt one. How do you respond — with “Thank you,” “I know” or “There are many things I love about you, too”? These sound so flat. But if you say those three words and don’t truly mean them, will more harm be done? So should you not say anything?

    The quandary is when you know you care for him, am fond of him, yes, perhaps even love him, but you know you’re not in love with him. The former can be felt for anyone toward whom you have affection. The latter is for very few — someone who makes your heart beat faster, you ache for when he’s away, have a mix of excitement and calm when you hear his voice, and get those silly goose bumps when he strokes your arm or kisses you. “In love” is reserved for someone with whom you think you could go the distance, will have your back, and be your partner, mate or husband.

    So, what do you say when he says “I love you” and you’re not ready to say it back? Maybe you know you’ll never be able to sincerely say “I’m in love with you,” but right now you have to say something.

    At this time, a simple whispered, “Thank you, sweetie” should suffice. But the next time you talk, you need to bring up how you feel. Something like, “I really appreciated your telling me you love me the other day. I like how you are able to express your feelings to me. I want you to know that I am very fond of you, and it takes me a while to feel I love someone. I don’t want you to think I don’t care about you if I don’t say ‘I love you.’ And I don’t want you to feel you can’t say it to me if that’s what you’d like to do.”

    But the larger picture needs to be addressed at some point. If you are both seeing this as an activity-partner-with-benefits relationship, then the “love” issue shouldn’t be a problem. But when one of you sees the other as “the one” and the other realizes that s/he probably won’t ever feel that way, best to get that out in the open. If it is you who is not feeling it, then it’s your responsibility to start the conversation and be as gentle as possible. You don’t want to lead him on if he has a different expectation.

    However, I also know that this conversation can create hurt and upset, even if you’ve been honest all along that you’re not “in love.” False expectations can build up quickly. So best not to let the fantasies simmer.

    What have you done when you’ve heard “I love you” before you’re feeling it, or when you hear it and know you’ll never feel similarly?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Does he share your POV?

    movie cameraPOV — That’s film-industry shorthand for “point of view shot.” When the camera shows what a character sees, that’s their POV. We see the scene through their eyes.

    Wouldn’t it be great if we could occasionally see our date’s POV? To access his perspective, how he sees things? And wouldn’t you like to share your view finder so he sees your perspective? It certainly would make relationships — especially the beginnings of one — much easier.

    I think we typically assume the other person shares our POV — that they see and interpret events similarly to us. But the truth is, two people rarely share the same perspective about any given conversation or event. In fact, our perceptions are so unreliable “that studies have shown that individual, separate witness testimony is often flawed and parts of it can be meaningless. This can occur because of a person’s faulty observation and recollection, [or] because of a person’s bias….”* It’s common for two eye witnesses to have very different stories with only a small overlap.

    So while you and your date shared the same experience, you may have very different — perhaps 180-degree disparate — impressions of what happened.

    My ex and I would frequently have different memories of an event or conversation, but he would usually chalk it up to his having a bad memory. However, in our divorce mediation when he said, “We’re living like roommates” I was shocked. My perspective was we were living in a loving, supportive, sexual relationship, not without hiccups, but nothing I thought was insurmountable. This was the first time I realized we had divergent experiences of our marriage and relationship. (See “You live a rich fantasy life.”)

    In a quarrel with a guy with whom I’d had a 3-month relationship, I again had the revelation that two people can have extreme views of the same situation. One of his numerous accusations was that we only partook in activities that I wanted to do. Feeling I ensure both parties have equal say in determining activities, I asked for an example. “We only see movies you want to see.” It’s true that I don’t like to review movies I’ve seen recently, and I’d watched many more than he had, but I felt we always decided on the selection jointly. I wouldn’t ask him to participate in something he didn’t want to do, and I expected the same from him. I was stunned that he felt I was so inflexible and selfish. During his litany of other examples of my many character flaws it was clear we had 180-degree points of view on many experiences.

    I had to ask myself if I could continue in a relationship knowing that we shared so little perspective on events and motivations. His interpretation of my behaviors often — I now learned — was that I was selfish, insensitive, condescending and overbearing. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to continue a relationship with anyone they perceived this way, but he said he did. I, however, didn’t want to continue with someone I felt would always be interpreting whatever I did in the worst possible light — the opposite of what I intended or thought.

    Luckily this extreme difference of POV came out after only 3 months. We’d only had one tiff prior to this row, so I had no idea his perspective was so different than mine. He had always acted as if all was hunky-dory, so I had no clue anything was amiss. He was communicative so we talked about feelings and needs, but I had no idea our differently interpreting events was so rampant.

    Seeing each character’s POV tells you much more of the story than only seeing one. You can expect that you will sometimes have different perspectives. But when you find an extreme divergent POV is commonplace with the guy you’re dating, you have to ask yourself if you want to continue costarring in this movie with him. While it might make it big at the box office, you don’t want to live in “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.”

    * Wikipedia’s description of “eye witness.”

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Fun midlife date ideas

    In today’s San José Mercury News, I was quoted in an article on “Summer’s Worth of Dates: 13 Places to go for Romantic Rendezvous.” The reporter, Mark de la Vina, has interviewed me for other articles, so we began by exploring why so many people’s primary idea for a date seems to be dinner and a movie. In “Midlife men have forgotten how to date” I share my perspective on why people don’t seem to be creative about their date activity choices.

    Although Mark used many of my ideas in his article, there were many more I discussed. We focused on ones where you could get to know your date better in the early stages of dating, and that weren’t passive (theater, movie) or so loud (concert, club) you couldn’t talk to your date. Plays, concerts, movies and clubs are great dates, but we wanted to list ideas that would let you play together and get to know each other. So activities that were basically solo but could be done together (biking, single-person kayaking, scootering) were not on the list because it would be hard to talk. However, after dating a little while, these would be fun dates.

    So I thought I’d share my list with you, dear readers. Let’s add your ideas! Write your creative midlife date ideas in a comment so others can be inspired by your innovation.

    • amusemnet parkTake a docent-led tour of a museum, around nearby town or wildflower walk, or ranger-led hike.
    • Enroll in a country, swing, jazz, square dance or world dance lesson.
    • Tour wineries or wine taste at a wine shop.
    • Take in an outside art fair.
    • Twist and turn on the rides at an amusement park.
    • Sip a sunset drink at a view bar or restaurant.
    • Stroll through art galleries.
    • Visit an aquarium or zoo.
    • Attend an interesting lecture on something of interest to you both (look in the Entertainment section of your newspaper), then discuss it afterwards.
    • Make something at a craft store (some have classes, some have clay objects you paint and they fire for you).
    • Attend a book signing.
    • Shop at a farmers market then fix dinner together.
    • Picnic on a beach, lake shore, park or forest.
    • Kayaking, sailing, boating or even paddle boating together. Tandem biking in a park or along the shore.
    • Help sort food at a food bank, join a clean up-a-park effort, or other coordinated volunteer activities.

    You can combine getting to know your date better with educational or community service activities, as well as with pure entertainment. You will get to know your date a lot more quickly if you have to make more decisions together than just “What movie and restaurant shall go to?” Listening to his comments while on a tour or his questions to a lecturer, or watching his reaction to your screwing up a dance step tells you more than you’d learn in a darkened movie theater. And you’ll also have a lot more laughs and more interesting conversation.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,, , , , ,

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.