Dating-over-40 advice by the Dating Goddess™
You’ve been dating for a while. You’ve had lots of first dates that didn’t evolve to seconds. So your dating numbers seem high to those who’ve been out of the dating scene for years. To them any number over 10 seems outrageous if you exclude anything before age 30.
DG reader AG writes:
I recently dated a guy for a few months but then we had a falling out. We tried to discuss it by email and phone since we were both traveling and we couldn’t meet face-to-face. We set a time in a few days to meet to discuss if we should continue. I have mixed feelings, as I really like being with him and he has many, many characteristics I am looking for in a man. But he would go for a week with no contact which made me feel I wasn’t a priority in his life.
How can I determine if I should take him back?
Having caught myself checking my cell phone a bit too obsessively looking to see if a guy has called or texted, I thought Why Hasn’t He Called
The married-couple coauthors, Matt Titus and Tamsen Fadal, share the men’s and women’s view, respectively. Matt gives an inside look at what some (many?) men are thinking before, during and after a date. The sad part was how women can totally spin the things a man does into signs he is into her. I am guilty of this. We interpret his chivalry, niceness, laughter and conversational skills as he’s into us. When in reality, according to the co-authors, he’s really just trying to get us into bed.
Many of us gagged upon reading the manipulative games touted in The Rules
Enter the book The Spiritual Rules of Engagement
Generally, I like his approach, coming from a spiritual perspective. He corroborates what I’ve read from Alison Armstrong and others: A woman’s job is to receive and a man’s job is to give. His goal is to make her happy and her job is to let him. He is happy when he pleases her.
Nearly every unpartnered person gets lonely sometimes. If you long for more social interaction, you will do nearly anything to connect with other human beings. I think it’s why so many people hang out in bars, Starbucks, or the library. (See “What’s your ‘need for affiliation’?“) I didn’t understand why anyone could get any work done in a coffee shop with the loud expresso machines and the constant bustle, but then I realized some people thrive on being near others, even if there’s little interaction.
“Recovery time” is however long it takes one to return to normal after an event. Whether it’s the time it takes an athlete’s body to return to normal heart rate or hydration after a grueling event, or someone’s return to health after a setback. Or how long it takes for someone to recover after a relationship’s ending.
When I was first divorced I was told it would take 25% of the time I was married to recover and be ready for a serious relationship. I was married for nearly 20 years, so that meant it would take 5 years! I was incredulous. I didn’t want to wait five years to find my next LTR. But here it is at the five year mark and I feel I’m truly ready. I had too much healing and growing to do.
Midlife daters generally have experience in relationships, and thus negotiating solutions to different relationship desires. However, if you have been unpartnered for a number of years, you are probably used to getting what you want because you haven’t had to take an adult partner’s desires into account.
So let’s say you (or your guy) want something. The other wants something different. Ideally, you find a compromise — without resenting the other. But that is not always possible.
For example:
A DG reader writes:
This has happened a few times so am wondering if it is just me, or is common with midlife guys — or just midlife guys on online dating sites. We begin a fun banter via email or IM. I don’t get dirty with them, just playful. Some time passes — anywhere from an hour to a few weeks. We haven’t met. Their IMs go from playful and flirty to dirty, telling me what they want to do to me, or what they imagine us doing naked, etc., often graphically.
I say I don’t want to go there. They persist. I sign off. They apologize. Then they start again.
If I don’t care about the guy, I block his IMs. But if I liked him before he went porno on me, I think I ought to give him a second chance. Should I just put my foot down and say I’m uncomfortable going there? Or should I play along, knowing I’ll never meet some of them anyway? If I play along and then we agree to meet, I’m afraid he’ll jump me as soon as we say hello.
My guy pals have told me that men are emotional cowards. They’d rather walk barefoot over broken glass than do something that would make a woman cry. Thus their preference for going poof rather than tell you they have changed their mind.
A year ago I was interviewed by the Wall Street Journal for a story about how younger people learn their sweetie has broken up with them by their partner changing their Facebook relationship status to “single,” or by a text message. I thought that was immature. Midlife people didn’t do this kind of cowardly thing, did they?
Today I learned that King Charming has broken up with me. Did he tell me? No. In fact, in an hour-long IM two days ago he said, “I did not contact you nor meet you with the intention of our sharing a short-lived transient relationship. I am one who likes things to last for a very long time…. Candid with you I will always try to be….”
There are good dates, ambivalent dates, bad dates, and sometimes dates that are none of the above, just clearly not encounters with someone who is in any way a match. They can be painful when you, for manners sake, must stay longer than you would prefer.
A while ago, after a few email and phone conversations with a man who made me laugh, I accepted his lunch invitation, even though I generally start with only coffee. I rued not sticking with this rule!
You may know that Greg Behrendt is the more visible co-author, with Liz Tuccillo, of the wildly popular advice book for women, He’s Just Not That Into You. In it they tell us, among other things, that if a man you’re dating doesn’t call you at least once a day, he’s just — you guessed it — not that into you.
Additionally, if a man’s not asking to see you at least once a week, he’s not that drawn to you, as other things are taking his focus.
If you believe the book — as I have in the past — you have used how frequently a man contacts you to determine how into you he is. If he doesn’t call, text, IM or email at least every couple of days, nor ask me out at least once a week — ideally by Wed. (a la The Rules), I’ve decided he’s not into me and continue dating other guys.
There are several problems with this premise:
