A DG reader writes:
This has happened a few times so am wondering if it is just me, or is common with midlife guys — or just midlife guys on online dating sites. We begin a fun banter via email or IM. I don’t get dirty with them, just playful. Some time passes — anywhere from an hour to a few weeks. We haven’t met. Their IMs go from playful and flirty to dirty, telling me what they want to do to me, or what they imagine us doing naked, etc., often graphically.
I say I don’t want to go there. They persist. I sign off. They apologize. Then they start again.
If I don’t care about the guy, I block his IMs. But if I liked him before he went porno on me, I think I ought to give him a second chance. Should I just put my foot down and say I’m uncomfortable going there? Or should I play along, knowing I’ll never meet some of them anyway? If I play along and then we agree to meet, I’m afraid he’ll jump me as soon as we say hello.
The question is, what do you want? Sounds like you don’t want to have a cybersexual relationship, so why tolerate a guy’s going there? If you say no and he persists, he isn’t honoring your preferences or boundaries and will be continually pressing you even when you say no.
I think you’re right about those you’d meet in person. They will already think you are a loose woman and try to get a home run soon after saying hello. I’ve made the mistake of being too flirty with a guy on email, and then when we met he wanted me to go back to his place. No thanks, buddy!
Remember, some guys are online dating who would never be dating the normal way because they are socially stunted and very few women would go out with them. So the only way they can get any titillation with a live women without paying is through dating sites. So if you are friendly and engaging, they are going to go for it even at the risk of not meeting you in person.
There is nothing in it for you to go there, as that will end nearly all non-sexual conversation. You’ll be the equivalent of an unpaid 900-number worker. So I wouldn’t even entertain the notion.
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Classic Mars/Venus situation. To the writer, don’t instant message guys until you’ve met them in person. As simple as that. Otherwise, the banter is bound to get racy since a guy isn’t thinking that a woman who is instant messaging him is looking to be courted in an old-fashioned way. At least with email communication there isn’t that instant gratification so it would very weird for someone normal to jot off something sexual in an email to a woman he’s never met and just started communicating with. But with the instant messaging one flirtatious comment leads to the next and before you know it, a comment crosses the line and the guy then tries to digitally undress you.
This is not uncommon and has happened to me as well. I’m starting to not like the online dating thing because of it.
Agreed. We as a gender in general need to ban together and not tolerate this type of thing. It is the equivilant of sexual harrassment on the street. When you say he crosses the line or that you are not just looking to “hook up”, they accuse you of being prissy. This type of man keeps being rewarded since if you don’t tolerate he can move on to the next who might. The internet is the perfect venue. If we would not tolerate it on the street we shouldn’t in cyber space>????