Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Tag: dating over 40

  • Beware the duplicity trap

    Sometimes in dating (and in life) we choose not to reveal the whole truth. We don’t lie, but we omit parts of the picture. The conundrum is whether telling the whole truth is best, including gnarly details we know will be disturbing to the other, or to reveal only what seems prudent.

    Last night I was at a dance club I’d heard about from a friend. He occasionally went there with a woman friend who he described having some very distinctive features.

    Although my friend wasn’t there, I spotted a woman who looked as he’d described his dancing buddy. I approached her and asked if she knew our mutual friend. Indeed she did. We chatted and she asked how he and I had met. I responded truthfully, “On Match.com.” I went on to say that was several years ago and what a dear friend he has become, and we chatted about other things.

    This morning I called and told my pal I’d met his friend. He was surprised since she and I live an hour apart. I told him I had noticed her at the club and figured she might be the gal he’d told me about, so introduced myself. I also told him of her question to me and my response.

    “Oh, crap!” (Actually, his response was more profane than that.) “She has no idea I’ve ever been on Match.com, nor that I was ever seeing other women.”

    My heart sank as I realized I’d unknowingly exposed my pal’s activities to this woman, whom he’d always referred to as a friend, not someone he dated. He’s a close confidant and I would never want to do anything that would cause him grief. Even though he was upset, he didn’t blame me nor try to make me feel bad.

    This event showed keenly how duplicity can bite you. He had his reasons for not telling her he was seeing others — just as I’ve had a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy until a relationship heats up. However, although the unspoken code of online dating is “assume there are others,” they did not meet online. So she’d have no reason to suspect there were other women. Did he have an obligation to tell her he was seeing others? Did she ever ask?

    On the upside, my call alerted him so he could be thinking how he would discuss this with her, rather than being blindsided when they next spoke. On the downside, the cat is out of the bag, through not malice, just friendliness. I wouldn’t have offered the Match.com info if she hadn’t asked, and I responded truthfully, as I didn’t see any need to lie since he described her as a friend.

    trapWhen you multi-date without telling your dates that you are, you may be setting your own trap. Beware of your own wicked web you weave if you decide to be non-disclosing with someone you’re seeing more than a few times. You never know who might unwittingly spring the trap.

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  • Are you enjoying the banquet of dating?

    Dewitt JonesMy friend, world class photojournalist, author, former National Geographic photographer and Academy Award-nominated director, Dewitt Jones is also an entrancing speaker. His presentations are illustrated with his riveting photos as he makes his points on creativity, leadership, vision and passion.

    dandelionIn a presentation I heard over 15 years ago, one of his phrases still reverberates: “The banquet is laid, though nobody comes.*” When I recently asked about him about it, he said, “I use it to refer to the banquet nature/God sets before us everyday.” Yet, as he points out, we are often too stuck in whatever is in front of us to step back, look around, and see the bounty of beauty before us.

    A banquet often involves a buffet — a display of yummy food from which we choose. We are given the opportunity to not only select known favorites, but to sample items we might not normally pick. If we try the new fare, we may come back for seconds and add it to our list of delectable delights.

    When women tell me they haven’t gathered the gumption to start dating even though they want to, I think of Dewitt’s line: “The banquet is laid, though nobody comes.” The “banquet” is a plethora of interesting men to be met, and among them, we hope a delectable delight or two. Ideally one who will become our all-time favorite and last a lifetime. Yet many are afraid to start, settling instead on their current lives — as fulfilling as they may be — even though they long for a mate to share their lives and add a dimension they feel is missing.

    Of course, I’m not suggesting that to be single is depriving you of the banquet of life. We are using the metaphor here specific to dating. Dewitt uses the phrase in the context of enjoying the beauty of nature. I’m using it to encourage those who are a trifle trepidatious about tapping the terrific treats of dating.

    If you’ve decided to get back into the dating scene but haven’t yet made the next move, think of the banquet that awaits you. Just as at a banquet, not every “dish” will be to your liking. Dating allows you to “taste” dishes you might not have tried before. Don’t turn down an invitation from someone who doesn’t meet 100% of your criteria. If he’s 85-90% what you’re looking for, at least have coffee. Even if you aren’t drawn to him — or visa versa — you can now say, “I’ve tried X and it isn’t to my taste.” But if you don’t even allow yourself to try something new, how will you know?

    But know that perhaps one of these “tastes” will result in your establishing a new preference — something you may not have thought you’d like. I thought I’d only want someone with a certain type of job. But I’ve become fond of someone who works in an industry that wouldn’t have been on my desired list.

    So get out your plate and be willing to go through the banquet line with an attitude of openness and inquisitiveness. You never know what delicious bounty you will discover.

    * This loosely references Luke 14:23 from the Bible.

    (Dandelion photo is copyrighted by Dewitt Jones. Used with permission.)

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  • “What’s in your wallet?”

    While this has become an advertising slogan for a credit card company, I hope you don’t say it to a man you’re dating. Just as most women protectively guard the contents of their purses from inquisitive eyes, men protect the contents of their wallets.

    walletSo imagine my surprise when a CEO I was coaching asked me to help him go through his wallet and pare down the contents. He was embarrassed by its bulk protruding from his back pocket and he refused to carry a man bag. While I thought this was more a job for his wife, since he was paying me handsomely, I agreed. It was interesting to get up close and personal with the contents of a wallet belonging to someone other than my husband.

    On several occasions, whichever man I was dating invited me to go through his wallet. I figured he must have nothing to hide, so dug in. In some cases, I’ve discovered items secreted away in crannies that he’d forgotten were there.

    The discoveries always gave me a broader picture of the man I was with.

    One man’s wallet held not only the requisite drivers license, credit cards, cash and picture of his daughter, but membership cards to some clubs I didn’t know about. But most telling were the two — count them two — condoms he had stashed. Some single men commonly carry one, but I thought two was interesting. Did he want an extra in case one broke? In case his spontaneous fling begged a reprise? He didn’t say.

    Another guy’s wallet didn’t house a single picture of his son. Most men carry at least one picture of their kids, even if the photos are ancient, but this one did not. Weeks later, in his home I noticed that there were no pictures of family, either. Not his son, sister, brother, parents, etc. Not even in his bedroom. It turned out he was not much into family — or people, actually — and wasn’t close to any of them.

    And one man’s wallet was particularly interesting to me. I playfully quizzed him about various components, including his Screen Actors Guild card, even though I knew he wasn’t an actor. We talked for 30 minutes on sundry items and I got to know him better in the process.

    So if a man invites you to explore his wallet, and you’re comfortable doing so and want to know him better, take him up on it. The experience is like a treasure hunt — you’ll discover gems that will help you get to know other parts of his life.

    Just know he may want to root through your purse or wallet in return!

    Warning: Don’t ever go through his wallet without his permission, as it’s an invasion of privacy. You wouldn’t want him doing that to your purse or wallet.

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  • Sharing your sexual owner’s manual with him

    Have you ever driven a car that seems very foreign to you? I remember driving a friend’s Italian sports car that had five gears when I was used to four. The dashboard had a unfamiliar layout. And everything was labeled in Italian!

    MacintoshOr maybe you’re a Mac gal and every once in a great while you have to work on a PC (or a PC gal working on a Mac). You know the results you want to create, but you have to really focus to figure out how to open the applications you want. And the keyboard has a different layout than you’re used to. While you know you can achieve what you want, it just takes a little longer as the keys and shortcuts you’re used to aren’t easily apparent.

    So it is when becoming intimate with a new guy for the first time in midlife, after you’ve been with your former mates for years.

    You know what you want to accomplish — or what you want him to accomplish. But just like the above examples, the key behaviors he’s used to doing — and getting a reasonably predictable response — may not work Ferrariat all with you. You are an Italian sports car, and he’s driven an automatic Chevy truck for 20 years. He’s used to turning the key, and the engine hums. Now he tries the same action, but he’s forgotten to engage the clutch, so the engine doesn’t respond.

    How do you help your guy have a quick lesson on what makes your motor purr, without insulting him? Unlike the Mac/PC example, there’s not a handy “Help” menu he can refer to when flummoxed.

    I’m afraid that Help menu or owner’s manual is you. And while some men are embarrassed or feel uneasy when you guide him through what works for you, the savvy ones are appreciative. If he wants to make you happy — and why would you be in this position with him if you didn’t think he was interested in making you happy? — he will listen and follow instructions. And assuming his efforts are successful, he’ll make mental notes for the next time.

    And the same goes in reverse. Don’t be afraid to ask him what he likes. If he doesn’t give you the verbal or nonverbal feedback you’re expecting, ask him to share what works. Some men don’t like to talk during the act, and if your guy is the silent type, talk about him about what he likes before the next time. It may seem a bit stilted at first, but you will both have a more satisfying experience. And talking about it ahead of time sometimes heats things up a bit.

    And just like with the computer example, you’ll want to make sure virus protection is installed.

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  • Can Google help — or hinder — your dating life?

    GooglePerhaps you’re like me and immediately Google a guy as soon as you have his first and last name. While I’ve never found any incriminating evidence this way, I have found some interesting items about the guy I’m considering meeting. I imagine myself a CSI (one of my favorite shows), linking disparate clues to complete a puzzle.

    Early in my midlife dating adventure, a man with an unusual first name contacted me online. His profile said he was active in our local Rotary Club, as well as an organization specific to his lineage.

    RotaryI Googled the local Rotary Club web site. I searched the site for his first name and voilà, a mention appeared including his last name. Armed now with more information, I Googled his full name. I found the web site for the small company he owned, complete with picture (which luckily matched the one on the dating site, so I knew he’d posted a reasonably recent one). It gave the company’s address, phone number and map. His bio said he’d been president of his national trade association. Nice!

    A little more digging found the organization relating to his ancestry. A quick search on the site by his first and last name revealed a listing with his home phone number. Googling that yielded his home address, and a Google map showed me where he lived. If I had wanted to go the next step, Zillow.com would have revealed how much his house was worth (although no info on any mortgages or liens).

    This took all of 10 minutes.

    Scary, isn’t it? Which is why I suggest you be a bit secretive in the beginning of relationships. You don’t want a guy you haven’t met Googling your home phone number and getting a map to where you live!

    I don’t typically tell I guy I’ve Googled him. Some read it as “potential stalker.” However, when I have disclosed it after a few dates, most guys seem flattered that I took the time to look, and that I know things about them that they didn’t know were on the web.

    I Googled the guy I’m currently seeing, a former city official. There was lots of press on him, luckily all good. The reporters were respectful of him. That says a lot.

    So I encourage you to Google away. However, keep the findings to yourself unless you uncover something bothersome, then ask him about it. If he squirms, gets upset or avoids your inquiry, then probably best to pass on this guy.

    What have you found after Googling a guy?

    And, BTW, Google yourself and see what’s out there about you — or someone with the same name.

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  • When breaking up is a “Get Out of Jail Free” card

    When we are not the one who ends a relationship, even a short-term dating relationship, it usually stings. Being on the receiving end of the boot with a longer-term, intimate relationship often creates wounds that last for years. No matter how much we work to accept it — and in some cases welcome it — the announcement from the other usually causes some pain.

    In “How to trump being dumped” I explored with a pal how being released from his overly suspicious lover was a good thing. But it’s hard to see that at first.

    Three months after my ex announced he was leaving, I was still in a lot of pain. One day while running errands and not thinking about the breakup, I heard a loud voice, as if someone were next to me in the car.

    Get out of jail free“You got a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card.”

    What was this disembodied voice talking about? I’m in my car, not playing Monopoly!

    As I reflected on the message, I realized it was saying that by being released from my ex, I was being saved from the “jail” of continuing to live with a man who wasn’t right for me. One who admitted he didn’t think about me when I wasn’t in the room. Who was, in his words, “emasculated” by my competencies.

    I could have lived with this man the rest of my life because I loved him and saw the positives in our relationship. However, he did not feel for me how I felt toward him. I deserved a partner who was equally in love with me, and knew how to show it.

    Also, since ours was not a vindictive divorce, neither of us was taken to the cleaners by the other. “Get out of jail free” meant that without a lot of drama or hideous expense, we could move on with our lives.

    Monopoly guySome DG readers have shared their pain from past relationships gone sour. Some of these stories are heartbreaking. But you can easily imagine they could have been worse. You got out of the relationship — even if not by your initiation. You are now a wiser person, clearer on what she wants, and unwilling to settle for what you settled for in the past. You could still be with that guy who wasn’t right for you. By moving on, you got a “Get Out of Jail Free” card. Time now to be grateful and move on to pass “Go” around the romantic version of the Monopoly game of life — even if you don’t collect $200.

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  • “You live a rich fantasy life”

    Somehow that phrase crept into my repertoire many years ago. I don’t remember if someone said it to me or I made it up. But it keeps coming up as I hear someone say something that illustrates their view of reality is very different than mine. And of course, I sometimes get hit on the head with the realization that my interpretation of an event or relationship is totally different than someone else’s.

    For example, I was totally shocked when my ex left as I felt we lived in a loving, supportive, nurturing, passionate marriage. He, however, said we were like roommates. I couldn’t understand how we could have such a huge disparity of experience. Then a dear friend told me, “You have a high capacity for delusion.” Ugh!

    CinderellaI realized that I had viewed our relationship through a Disney-like lens, where I was the happy princess, singing merrily as I picked wildflowers along a beautiful stream on a sunlit day. My prince/husband was lounging nearby, smiling at me admiringly, and I skipped back to his loving embrace. When my ex announced he was leaving, that rose-colored lens was shattered and I saw for the first time the reality of the black-and-white image of our marriage, with shriveled, nearly dead plants on a cloudy, chilly day and him off on the other side of the mountain doing his own thing without a hint of thinking of me.

    How could two people have such different views of a relationship? How could two people interpret the same events with such different visions? I think it happens all the time, yet we don’t acknowledge it’s occurred until something makes us.

    So you think the date went well, but the guy never calls back. Or you are politely listening to your date drone on wondering how quickly you can say you need to leave, and when he walks you to your car, he tries to passionately kiss you. Or you’ve dated a guy a few times and you are ambivalent about seeing him again, and he asks if you’d be willing to be exclusive.

    How can you both interpret the same date so differently? You both live in different worlds. And one of you lives in a rich fantasy life!

    How do you avoid living in fantasy? I wish I knew the definitive techniques, as I still find myself interpreting events differently, then being disappointed when I realize my guy’s reality doesn’t at all match mine. But here are some things to consider.

    • Ask. Periodically check in, especially if you’ve dated him a few times. I know guys aren’t always fond of talking about the relationship, but you can couch it like this, “I have a tendency to misinterpret a guy’s interest. I know this is hard to discuss, as we’ve only been going out X weeks, but I’m feeling close and connected to you. Can you honestly describe how you’re feeling for me so I can check out if I’m off base?”
    • Get input from a trusted friend. I can’t tell you how many times a dear friend has helped me see that I am perhaps putting more import on something a guy says or does than is warranted
    • Work on staying somewhat detached. At least until you’ve had a chance to discuss your view of the relationship with him.

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  • Readers: Want/need your input

    Periodically, I’ll ask for your input on things that are going on in the DG world. If you’d prefer to email me directly rather than post your ideas, do so at Goddess@DatingGoddess.com. Your input is appreciated!

    ———–

    A producer contacted me to be a radio show guest to discuss midlife dating. He wanted to focus on how to get a sweetie lined up for Valentine’s Day. I told him, unfortunately, I’m not an expert on how to find a love, just how to enjoy the journey when you are dating. He wants to interview me just the same.

    So I need your help, dear readers.

    What do you want to know that would make a good pre-Valentine’s Day radio show? What questions do you think DG could answer that would be an interesting listen?

    I’ll tell you when the show is to air and where you can hear it.

    ———–

    I am going to be starting some Dating Goddess teleseminars, where I can interview experts (e.g., authors) or others who I think will have value on various topics. Who would you like to hear interviewed and/or on what topic? We’ll also have available the MP3 and CD if you can’t make a live session.

    ———–

    I received this the other day and thought I’d see what you could recommend for her.

    Dear DG:

    I’m tempted in ’07 to contact one of the online dating services to get back in the pool and swim. However, Consumer Reports recently did a review of the various programs, and confused me.

    Some are “scientific,” some are open season, several offer you even more months for free if you don’t have success within 6 months (a crummy refund offer, as you’re likely so dissatisfied you won’t use the free months). Some will even primarily reject up to 18% of interested daters as “unmatchable” ( what a bummer that would be — rejected by my own computer!).

    I don’t need the extra “work” of sloughing through the emails of folks that aren’t pre-screened as any sort of match, or browsing the dating aisles like being at a grocery store while hungry (we know how THAT ends up!) — so does DG or her readers have any suggestions on what online service to use? How do I choose a dating service, let alone a man? Or should I simply contact the high-priced yenta lady in the airline magazines?

    Want back in the pool, but don’t know best way to get in the water…

    PR

    Dear PR:

    My neighbor recently joined “It’s Just Lunch” as she was in the same time crunch you are. They personally matched her with 3 or 4 very nice guys so far, all of whom she saw at 2-3 times. Although she wasn’t physically attracted to any but one, she enjoyed them all.

    My point is, if you don’t want to weed through a lot of profiles, emails from non-matches, or tedious questions a la eHarmony, I’d give one of the services a try. She said the above is $1500 to join. Now I’ve heard others say it’s a waste of time, but you know me — never a wasted evening (or lunch)!

    If you decide to get your feet wet with online dating, I’ve found Match.com has yielded the best quality and quantity. Since it is the largest service, most people join it if nothing else. And you can post a profile without joining.

    I’ve joined eHarmony off and on over the 2 years. Of the 150 men with whom they’ve matched me, I’ve gone through the tedious questioning back and forth with a dozen of them and met 3 or 4 face-to-face. None of them yielded a second date. I’m told they match you on intelligence, although you do a DiSC profile plus other questions. While the guys were smart (one of my main criteria), they were either political polar opposites, or not intriguing enough to see again.

    I’ve tried over a dozen sites (but only join one or two at a time).

    DG

    Your turn readers — what advice do you have?

    ———–

    Last Friday I was interviewed by a charming reporter from the San Jose Mercuy News on dating over 50. (He called me a dating guru! Cool!) I even suggested he interview Bruce! It will run in next Sunday’s entertainment section. I’ll post the link when it’s posted online.

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  • Reflections and resolutions

    Happy new yearThis is the time of year we look back at what we’ve learned and accomplished and look forward with plans for what we want to improve. Here are my dating reflections and resolutions.

    Reflections — dating lessons learned in ’06

    • While my dating quantity has slowed, my quality has improved. I continue to meet some wonderful men and enjoy their acquaintance. Some have become romantic dalliances, others valued friends, while some are just a fleeting memory.
    • While I believe in giving people grace and realize some men are nervous in first dates, I’ve also learned to notice how your date treats you and how you feel around him. If you don’t feel great on the first few dates, it probably won’t get better, as people are usually on their best behavior in early encounters.
    • As hard as it is, work to not build up expectations before meeting a guy. It is easy to be blinded by his great characteristics over the phone and email. It is what happens face-to-face that matters most. I would not have been as surprised by Rocket Man‘s fizzling if I hadn’t had such high hopes for him.
    • Have the class to “break up” clearly, even if only after a date or two. If you aren’t drawn to him, let him know gently in an email or phone conversation that you want to be friends. If you just disappear, you are stooping to the behavior women often complain men do. When I’ve let someone just drift away, I’ve not been proud of my own behavior.
    • If you have parted amicably, allow him to come back in your life if you’d like. He may now be a treasured friend, or perhaps the time is better to see if you both want to rekindle your connection. Dreamboat recently reentered my life and when he gets back from abroad this week we are going to see if there is the spark that we felt before he started travelling extensively several months ago.
    • Go into any potential relationship with your eyes and heart open. If you are not blinded by what you think you see and are willing to look at the good and the bad, you’ll make a more informed decision whether to continue. And an open heart does mean it might be bruised or even broken, but a closed heart does not allow for any possibilities.

    Resolutions

    • I will be even more discerning with whom I agree to even a coffee date. Once you have met someone face-to-face, I believe you have an obligation to be clear with him where you stand when you decide it isn’t a match. So if I know there is no way I could see us together, then why toy with his emotions and waste both of your time? While I believe in broadening your parameters for a potential suitor, if you know there’s no way you’d be interested in someone like him, why even start the process?
    • I will clarify expectations and make my desires known — especially before spending a weekend together. I should have asked specific questions before agreeing to a weekend with Golf Addict. Frankly, before this I wouldn’t have imagined I needed to ask some of the questions that now I wish I had.
    • If something isn’t working, say so in the moment, or soon afterward. Don’t suffer in silence. I know I let Golf Addict hang himself by his self-absorption, but if I care about the relationship, I will speak up about what is bothersome.

    What are your dating resolutions for ’07?

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  • Does your date share your world view?

    Many months ago, I was sharing with a gal pal how I was smitten with the guy I was seeing. After stammering to answer when she asked why I liked him so much, she eventually asked, “Does he share your world view?”

    EarthI stopped in my tracks. It was a question I hadn’t thought about. First, I had to think what the question meant. Next, I had to articulate my world view and look for signs of his world view. Then I compared where they matched or didn’t.

    So what is “world view”? Your world view is how you see the world: friendly/unfriendly, optimistically/pessimistically, people are good/people are out to get you, you are safe/you are at risk, you are treated fairly/unfairly, etc.

    After this was defined, I quickly reviewed in my mind his behaviors that exemplified his world view. Within seconds, I had to answer “No” to her question.

    Is it a requirement that your potential suitor share your world view? Not necessarily. But if you are the eternal optimist and he is a constant pessimist, you will begin to drive each other crazy at some point. If he thinks all people are bad and you think generally people are good with a few bad apples, then you will experience much frustration.

    We could cite examples of ardent Democrats and staunch Republicans marrying and living happily. Or people with polar religious views. Or pro-lifers living with pro-choicers. However, I think these couples either are fine expressing their opposite views, or they decided not to discuss them.

    My friend’s question forced me to see I was smitten because of surface attributes. I needed someone who shared more of my view of life. He and I did not last long after this realization.

    How important is it that a potential suitor share your world view? What elements are deal breakers and what could you be fine with disagreeing? If you haven’t defined your world view, start now by listing how you see the world.

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  • You can tell a lot by your date’s … driving

    I don’t recommend you get in a date’s car until you’ve gone out with him at least three or four times. But when you do, notice how he drives. It will tell you a lot about his personality. Here’s my take on driving habits and what they can tell you.

    • Tailgates — He’s impatient and somewhat reckless. If you say something and he gets defensive, he’s not open to feedback and doesn’t care about your comfort and sense of safety.
    • Swears, complains — If he frequently swears at other drivers or continually complains about traffic, he doesn’t know how to let it go. There’s nothing he can do about traffic, so why complain?
    • Weaves in and out of traffic; cuts in a too-tight space — Impatient, trying to jockey for position. This dangerous habit will gain 1-2 minutes. Who cares — unless you’re going into labor in the car or bleeding all over it!
    • Doesn’t use turn signals — He doesn’t care that his actions have impact on others, so sees no need to communicate what he’s intending. This may be a portent of his lack of communication with you.
    • Goes exactly the speed limit in the fast lane — Even though others are passing him on the right, he insists on staying in the fast lane because “I’m going the speed limit. They can go around.” Can we spell “control”? He justifies this obnoxious behavior because he is “right” and ignores that he is a traffic hazard.
    • Passes people who are in line on exits and on ramps, then squeezes in — No regard for others. Thinks his time is more valuable than others. Takes glee in saying, “What suckers!” as he passes them on the shoulder. This man has problems.
    • Gives others the finger — Lack of anger control, not willing to give others any grace. If he gets anger over something so trivial, what will he get angry at you about?
    • SpedometerSpeeds excessively — Lack of regard for laws, recklessness, trying to show his bravado. He isn’t showing his respect for your safety.
    • Goes through yellow signals at the last minute — Most accidents on city streets happen in intersections. People jump the green and hit those who are in the intersection when it turns red. His disregard for the yellow warning is reckless and self-focused on his desire to not wait the 90-120 seconds for the next green light.
    • Stomps on the gas at green lights — He thinks driving hard shows how manly he is. I think it shows how stupid he is, as he’ll waste more gas, burn through more tires, and possibly get in a wreck with those who, like him, are impatient so blow through yellow lights.
    • Rolls through stop signs — He uses the excuse that, “There’s no one around” to ignore basic traffic laws. This shows he does not understand the concept that character is what you do when no one is around to see.
    • Multitasks — if he tries to drink coffee, eat, talk on the cell phone and change the radio station/CD all at once, he isn’t paying attention to his driving. He will probably multitask with you, as well, not giving your focused time.
    • Honks — there is little need to honk unless there is an immediate danger. Honking to express anger is immature.
    • Shows consideration of others — If he lets in those trying to merge and generally is considerate of others, he’ll probably show consideration for you as well.
    • Drives safely — He’s showing he respects his, yours and others’ lives. He is conscientious and alert. He may desplay those characteristics in his relationship with you.

    If he is riding in your car, you can tell a lot about him, too.

    • He tells you where to turn, even though you’re familiar with the area — If he doesn’t ask if you’d like his assistance, this is the sign of a control freak. If you say something, his response will be, “I’m just trying to help.” He doesn’t realize that you don’t want his help unless you ask.
    • He tells you where to park — He is treating you like a child who can’t see a parking place on your own. There is a difference, however, between “Park there” and “There’s an empty one over there.” One is a demand and the other is a suggestion. If you want his help finding a space, ask.
    • He unjustifiably finds fault with your driving — “You’re such an old-lady driver,” “Just pass this idiot,” or “Can’t you go faster?” Tell him to shut his trap unless there’s a danger or you ask for his opinion or help.

    What else have you learned about your date by driving with him?

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