dating over forty

Any mature person knows that to keep a relationship humming, it takes some work. Even if you get along fabulously, usually there are a few hiccups that need negotiating. My ex and I started going to a counselor a few years into our relationship as I wanted a safe place we could work out any hiccups. I equated it to a high-performing car needing more care to keep it running at its best.

A gal pal recently ended a 6-month live-in relationship because her beau didn’t want to work on making the relationship better. He was fine with it as it was and didn’t see any need to improve anything.

When we were younger, we might have been more nonchalant about sex. We progressed — often rapidly — from passionate kissing to petting to sex. Sometimes in a matter of minutes.

Rarely — if ever — would we discuss beforehand our needs and desires. During sex we may have expressed what we wanted or liked, but it was uncommon to stop the action to ask about STDs, birth control, etc.

I’ve become friendly with my local street fruit vendor because he is friendly and has an easy smile. Despite our limited facility with each other’s language — my Spanish stopped in high school — we make an effort to communicate. When I wanted to buy only one basket of strawberries instead of 3, I struggled to learn “canasita” — the correct term for little basket — rather than my lame, made up version, “basketa.” He patiently reminded me every time I struggled.

I loathe the term “cougar” and would never initiate a relationship with a much-younger man. When I’ve dated men 1-10 years younger they all initiated the contact. Generally, I’m not drawn to younger men as the ones I’ve been around don’t have the emotional maturity, world experience, or gravitas that I find alluring. Not that a great many of the ones my age do either, but it seems more pronounced in those younger than a year or two.

So when a man 19 years younger contacted me, I tried to politely dissuade him. But he was persuasive and persistent. I thought, “What the heck. Let’s see where this goes.”

Some people enter the dating pool after having ended a relationship because of cheating. Some have been cheated on multiple times, by the same person or with several lovers. I’ve only been cheated on once (that I know of) and that experience was devastating. I can’t imagine how debilitating it would feel to be cheated on multiple times.

Last week, a 43-year-old woman called into a radio show where I was the guest. She shared her sad tale. She’s left her husband because he’d cheated on her with multiple women. A while later, she met a wonderful man who got along well with her only child, a teenaged daughter. They dated for a few years and got engaged. She was so happy that they’d be a family.

This was the first question asked by the radio host in a recent interview.

I paused to consider my answer.

After dating for a while, you refine what you want and don’t want in your next relationship. Your criteria get clearer and you get more certain about what will make you happy. Often these criteria include a person’s physical characteristics like height, or location or age range. I have clarified my criteria over the years and now rarely deviate from them.

But every once in a while a man enters the scene who doesn’t meet one of my must-haves.  Perhaps he’s an inch shorter than me so I relax my “must be at least my height” rule. Or perhaps he lives beyond an hour’s drive. Or he’s out of my 7 year+/- age range. He has other unique alluring characteristics that entice me to make an exception.  

However I’ve never bent the rules for more than one must-have.

Until now.

Ten years ago today my husband of 20 years announced he didn’t want to be married anymore. I took it hard.

I now call that day “The Great Awakening.”

It seems that everyone dreams of winning the lottery, imagining all the things they’d do, buy, or donate to if they became a millionaire. In fact, some women (and men) blatantly say that they want to marry a millionaire.

You can tell a lot about a person by how generous he is not only with money, but with effort and spirit. Sometimes a person can be generous with words of acknowledgement but nothing else. Sometimes it’s the reverse.

They’d been dating regularly for 4 months, even taking a 4-day vacation together. My gal pal kept telling me what a nice guy he was — very thoughtful bringing her little presents every time he saw her. They became intimate early on. She liked him and enjoyed his company, but wasn’t smitten by him.