Dating-over-40 advice by the Dating Goddess™
(Dear Readers: My fabulous former relationship counselor and friend Sonika Tinker has a teleseminar series and CD set I thought might interest you so I asked her to contribute a posting.)
by Guest Blogger Soniker Tinker, MSW
Many singles are tired of the dating scene and sick of superficial interactions. Most leave dates and singles events feeling more lonely and discouraged than ever.
Why? The dating scene doesn’t work.
Our society drowns us in Valentine’s Day propaganda — cramming down our throats that if we have a sweetie we have to go all out to show our ardor. And by implication, if you don’t have a honey, you are a loser.
You know you’re not a loser. You have been working toward finding a compatible, mutually attractive sweetheart. You’ve been consciously and consistently making yourself the best you can be.
You’ve kept up your beloved-finding activities. Over and over. Like a long march toward an elusive love. You keep at it.
An interesting man contacts you through a dating site, but he lives several states away. Even with the distance, you decide he’s intriguing enough to get to know. Besides, you’re going to be in his general area in two weeks, and perhaps he’d consider driving to meet you.
You get to know each other via email and phone, talking every few days. The calls are punctuated by frequent laughter. Your emails show caring and interest in each other’s lives. He isn’t daunted by the 2-hour drive to take you to dinner and a jazz club when you’re in his area.
He says he’s nervous to meet you, which you find sweet, yet odd for a confident, accomplished man.
Younger men. Sometimes decades younger. Perhaps young enough to be your son.
I’m not usually drawn to them because they are typically even more immature than the fifty-somethings I tend to date. And I abhor the concept of and term “cougar” so would never want to be accused of one.
But every once in a while a younger man comes along who is worth considering. And if there’s mutual attraction, it can be great for your ego — as well as fun!
When your friends are all coupled and rarely want to do something social without their spouse, it can be hard to find activity buddies. Sure, there are singles events in many locales, but often they feel like an audition instead of just having people with whom to do things. And other than your all being single, you may find you have little in common with these folks so make few connections.
Sometimes you come upon someone on a dating site who likes to do similar things as you, but you know there’s no romantic interest. Other times the person will say clearly, “Looking for an activity partner.” It takes the pressure off wondering if he’ll try to kiss you in the middle of the first date!
Men often show their connection by teasing and good-naturedly insulting each other. They can make pot shots about the other’s weight, thinning hair, bulbous nose, incompetencies, shortcomings or lack of sexual prowess without taking it personally.
So what happens when a woman — especially a woman he’s attracted to — tries to join in the boys’ club teasing?
A 25-year-old woman agreed to meet — for the first time — a man she’d connected with through a dating site at his house at 9 p.m. to go out to dinner. When she arrived at his door, he grabbed her by the hair and pulled her inside. There, a gun-toting accomplice demanded her keys and the two men drove off in her car.
This is a tragic story.
When leaving my exercise class at an elementary school auditorium, this sign caught my eye. It made me think it ought to be posted at coffee shops to remind daters to use their manners!
Why did this cross my mind?
I had another date that left me scratching my head. I checked with a couple of male pals to see if I had too-high expectations.
“What happened?” you ask.
General wisdom is to take some time to be alone after any relationship ends.
The shorter the time in the relationship, the less time it takes to recover. I once heard that most people need 25%-50% of a relationship’s duration before being ready to have another relationship.
After talking for two weeks, a man disclosed that the reason he listed himself on a dating site is that his partner of 7 years died — two months ago.
When I decided to hang a picture recently, I wished I had a stud finder to ensure the nail went into wood instead of just plaster.
Then it hit me — wouldn’t it be great to have a similar tool when looking for a man! One that would guarantee hitting a solid man, not a flaky one. Can you imagine how much easier it would be when you walked into a bar or singles event with one of these devices? It would light up and sound off when a responsible, solid, upright man was found!
