Most companies require new employees to undergo a 30-, 60-, and/or 90-day review to discuss how they are doing at their job. Typically part of the discussion is how well the employee thinks s/he is doing and what s/he likes and doesn’t like about the job. The boss then shares how she thinks the employee is doing, what is working and what needs improvement.
I think relationships should have a 60-day (or 90-day) relationship review. This way both parties could get a reality check on how s/he sees the relationship in comparison to the other. Both people could answer the questions, first on paper, then sharing their answers with the other. Some sample questions could be:
On a scale of 1-10, how well do you think the relationship is going, considering we’ve been seeing each other for 2 months?
What do you feel is going well?
What would you like more of?
What would you like less of?
What would it take for this relationship to be a 10 for you?
Do you think we should continue seeing each other?
You are not asking for a commitment, but honestly assessing and sharing how each other feels. If there is a big disparity — you rate the relationship an 8 and he gives it a 4 — then time to decide if the gap can be closed and what it would take to close it.
You may learn that what he needs for it to be a 7, 8, or 9 are things you can’t provide. Maybe he wants to be with you 5 days a week and your schedule won’t accommodate that.
Or maybe you’ll discover other discrepancies. You can then discuss them and make a mature decision whether to continue seeing each other or not.
Some people don’t want to have this discussion because they think it will upset the apple cart and drive the guy away. My attitude is if having a conversation like this after dating for 2 months would drive him away, then you’re better off without him. The value of having this review is that you can see how you both feel. And if you need to move on, best to know now rather than waiting another 2 months.
What questions would you ask at the 2-month mark?
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Comments
11 responses to “The 60-day relationship review”
Maybe I’m a little gun-shy, but I don’t really consider it a relationship yet at 60 days. If a man brought up the subject of a 60 day review and asked me these questions, it would be time to move on for me–I don’t want a relationship that feels like a job. However, I realize that I’m probably not in the majority. I am curious how the men feel about this as women are usually more interested in this type of communication.
It may be appropriate at 60-90 days of dating, not including the initial eMailing and phonecalls. This should be part of the initial eMailing/phone calls discussion, as it would let the other know what to expect, even better would be linking to this entry and discussing the pros/cons of the idea, then some type of agreement made. Definitely do not blind-side the other with it. To do so would make it a formal “Evaluation”. My three cents.
Frank — I like your idea a lot about discussing this concept early on! I think that makes a lot of sense.
I like the idea of discussing this in emails ahead of time also . . .
I agree with Traci, IMHO 90 days seems way too premature to be asking a lot of relationship status questions. I usually wait til the 6 month mark, (if we’ve made it that far), before I start asking a guy questions about where our relationship is going, because by then I’m fairly sure we’re in a relationship – before that it’s just dating. I’ve found the guys I date appreciate this also, as it appears there are a fair number of guys who feel pressured by women who come on too strong in the initial dating phase.
Just my two cents…
Best wishes from bookyone 🙂
I think it depends on the relationship, how close you have become, how much time you have spent together in those 90 days and how honest you’ve been up until that point. I have found in dating as a single in my 40’s, that if the two of you aren’t mature enough to discuss the relationship and where it is going honestly, then you probably aren’t meant to be together.
The man I have been dating for almost 7 months is so wonderful at communicating and making sure that we deal with things as they come up that we would not have had a problem talking that seriously at 90 days…. but with other men I’ve dated who weren’t ready for a “relationship” I’m sure it would have scared them off in a flash.
Love the review, but gosh, I’m so with all you folks on the waiting longer to really feel like you’re actually in a relationship. I don’t understand why the guys I’ve personally dated do feel like we’re in a “relationship” already at the 2 month mark, when I don’t. I thought I was abnormal and take an unusually long time to feel connected, so glad to hear there other feel the same -Traci you rock!!!! But Bookyone, 6 months seems is a little on the long side? You must have a lot of patience if you can wait that long for a relationship! What do you do about sex if you’re not sure you’re in a relationship? And do you date others during this time? I dunno, it’s starting to sound kind of appealing if you can make it work…..
Hi Aggressively Single,
I don’t necessarily wait 6 months to have sex, I just prefer waiting to evaluate the relationship’s potential, so I can get a clearer picture of the guy’s true colors so to speak. Sex for me is usually a sooner rather than a later thing, which might explain why I’m still single while most of my gfs who “waited til marriage” are happily married, I don’t know. I wonder if it’s really true what they say about not buying the cow when you can get the milk for free? I’d love to hear a 40+ guy’s take on this old saw…
Best wishes from bookyone 🙂
Once I fell in love with a guy at first sight, we slept together a few days later, and we were together for 15 years, most of them happy.
Another case of swift attraction and commitment (though we didn’t have sex for a month or so) lasted nearly four years.
So there is no hard and fast rule, I guess. If something is right, it’s right.
Bookyone, I was more interested in how you handle these issues if you’re dating more than one, which I assume you do for a while until it does feel like a relationship. I don’t think I want to be exclusive anymore until I’m really sure I’ve found someone who wants what I want, and that does pose delicate problems.
And hey, don’t be hard on yourself, you’re a sexual Goddess, and want what you want. Like Gatti, my ex hubby and I were intimate very early on and that lasted 14 years, so who knows???
It ‘s important to access the reasons for which the person is dating you and if they match the reasons for which you are dating. You can have the conversation, “I am dating with the goal of finding a marriage partner” early on. If this is what you want then the sooner the subject is brought up the better. If it scares away the person, then let him or her go!
Different relationships have different paces. Alot depends on how often you see each other during the week. Sometimes you see someone several times a week and other times one or two times a month. We all have busy schedules. Also, how do you know that you are the only one he or she is dating. The issue of exclusivity usually comes up around the 2 month mark or not! It’s too soon for analysis. All along the way you need to access if you share similar values, have the same life goals and satisfies your “must have” list. (From my book, this is the “Motivated to Marry Method” to dating- even if marriage is not your goal. )
If all that is there, then you can start talking about your desire for the relationship- however, if it’s too much work, ususally it’s a no go. When it’s right, it just flows!