First, let me allow the author to explain the title, as it is somewhat off putting to those of us who don’t relish being referred to as bitches. Argov writes “I’m not recommending that a woman have an abrasive disposition. The woman I’m describing is kind yet strong. She doesn’t give up her life, and she won’t chase a man.” Of course, Why Men Love Confident Women wouldn’t have garnered the same kind of press, so she went with a more sensational title.
I agree with some of what she says. I saw myself both as a strong woman standing up for myself, as well as a “nice” woman who has allowed myself in the past to get taken for granted.
Other advice was the opposite of my values. For example, she advocates being “dumb like a fox.” I read this chapter as how to play games. You don’t tell the man directly what you want or are upset about, you show it by your actions. For example, the man you’re dating calls you at 10 p.m. to say he misses you and wants you to come over and cuddle. You are irritated that he wants you to drive to his place for a booty call. But do you say that? No. That would be too direct. Instead, you tell him you’re slipping into something sexy and will be over in 5 minutes. Could he wait you outside with an umbrella since it’s raining? (I don’t know why he wouldn’t suggest you bring your own umbrella, but hey, this is Argov’s book.) He waits, and waits, and waits and you don’t arrive. After an hour, it dawns on him you’re not coming and he was being a lout!
Or to show your live-in beau he can’t control you, you stay out 2 hours after you told him you’d be home, without calling. That is downright rude to me, and I’d be worried sick if someone I cared about was two hours late and didn’t let me know they were okay.
Her point is that men don’t hear words, they only see actions. They won’t hear that you’re upset with them. They tune it out as if you’re nagging. Isn’t this a tad condescending? It implies all men are uncommunicative and unable to talk about issues openly, honestly and maturely.
The book was confusing because she says bitches are nice, but nice gals get treated like doormats. But the examples she gave showing when strong women were nice, revealed they were duplicitous and passive aggressive, not saying what they were feeling or wanted.
I like the general message that you need to be clear on what you want and not change who you are to fit what you think your guy wants. This means don’t give up your gym time, gal pals and other self-care priorities. She says you need to look out for yourself all the time, and the more you do the more appealing you will be to men. The more you acquiesce and change your life to constantly accommodate his preferences, he loses respect for you. Which means he’ll go poof in an instant.
In “Do men want feisty women?” we discussed that many men like spirited, strong women. When I bounced off the book’s premise to a guy pal I adore, he said, “I don’t think most guys are attracted to strong women. I think they scare the pants off the guys.” I can see it would with some men, but I also know some won’t put up with a dependent woman. The key is to figure out who you are and what you want, then find a way to attract what is a good fit for you.
What’s your opinion about the book’s teachings? Do you think it is best to not say what you want but show through your actions/inactions?
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