They come, they go

When a friend asks about a potential suitor I’ve talked about but is no longer around, they seem surprised when I say “He’s gone. They come, they go.”

This is how it is in the dating world. You see someone a few times, then they lose interest or move on, but don’t bother to tell you what’s going on. I’ve learned not to take it personally; it just isn’t a good match, even if I thought it might be worth more exploration.

I try to practice (but am not always good at) the Zen concept of non-attachment. I enjoy the time I am with someone, and if we continue to see each other and we’re both enjoying it, great. But if one of us decides it isn’t a good match, then fine. It truly isn’t a good match unless both people feel so. I work hard not to leave a guy hanging, so will either tell him personally, or if we’ve only met once, through an email. However, I find many, many guys just do a David Copperfield — they vanish.

I may write him an email if I am interested in staying in touch, but I most likely won’t call. I figure he’s moved on. He knows how to contact me and if he’s drawn to do so, he will. But I send a nice email to let him know I figure he thinks it isn’t a match and if he’d like to reconnect at some time, he’s welcomed to do so. Some guys think if too much time has passed, they are embarrassed at trying to rekindle a relationship, so I want him to know the door is open, even if just as pals.

It can be hard to practice non-attachment if you are strongly drawn to someone. But if you become too attached too early, it leads to demanding, needy, controlling, jealous behavior — which will drive the subject of your desire to leave in a flash. So just enjoy what you have and you will, in fact, be more appealing. He will want to be around you because you have no expectations that he will call the next day or take you out the next weekend. It actually makes him want to be with you more.

But if he disappears, don’t hunt him down. Just know he wasn’t a good match for you and say what I’ve said very, very often: “Next!”