Laws of the Jungle: Dating for Women Over 40 co-authors Gloria MacDonald and Thelma Beam interviewed midlife women and asked how they knew they wanted to have sex with a specific man. Filtering through the answers, they came up with some commonalities for the women’s description of chemistry, a term that seems elusive.
The components of chemistry for women boiled down to four things:
- Liking and respecting the man; his self-confidence and presentation; kindness, generosity, protectiveness, chivalry and other positive traits; acceptability in terms of status, income, personality, etc.
- The possibility that the relationship will continue; that some potential exists to make it permanent; that this man could be a suitable life partner for them and they can visualize what their future would be like.
- The man is willing to invest in her emotionally and materially, shown by cuddling, talking, kindness, acts of service, love talk, generally taking an interest in things that make her happy, gift-giving, paying for outings, having an adequate income. She could envision him willing to commit to a monogamous relationship; that his affections are not otherwise engaged by a former wife/girlfriend or current love interest.
- That there is at least some physical attraction on both sides, or at least that there are no physical turn-offs.
Contrast that with what they learned from single midlife men about what they need to have sex with a woman:
- He finds her physically attractive.
- She is willing.
Women report that without many or all of the 4 criteria, sex is unfulfilling and pointless.
But you can see that women and men approach sex from different places. Only after having sex with a woman will many men decide whether to further invest in the relationship. They will expend time, energy, attention and money to get sex, and women misinterpret this as an investment in the relationship. Men would start a relationship with sex, for women sex is the point at which many other criteria have been met.
Before any male bashing and name calling, hold on. MacDonald and Beam explain the differences logically based on human evolution and it makes sense. From back to cave people’s time, women are wired to want to make sure a man will stick around if she has his children. And men are wired that this isn’t that important. Yes, modern men and women have evolved socially, intellectually, and emotionally. Yet, the authors argue, there are still some remnants of that old thinking that is just hard wired for both sexes.
What do you think of their findings? Do you agree with the four criteria they listed? Or do you have different criteria?
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Seems to me like what midlife men and women want is no different from what younger men and women want.
Well, that is all very nice and all, but I don’t mind having some good hard sex myself, once in a while. I know a guy might not be marriage, but if he looks good and looks like he would be good in bed, I’m not going to pass it up once in a while. And yes, I am 44 and am about to get divorced from a man who has been a lazy lover and has premature ejaculation and then blames it on me. So I may be a bit tainted in my info because I’m ready for a good romp in the bed after 12 years of being with this man.
So I guess it all depends on where you’re coming from.
The following are my thoughts from the last 2 blogs, so please bear with.
Hmm, I realize that I’m probably a screwball statistic for the guys side of things but at this point in my life (49 years young), while being sexually active is great, what I’m really wanting anymore is a, and now all the hokey terms come to mind so I’ll edit to just this, partner/soulmate/someone who I can actually BE with and not have to ‘change to meet their ideals’.
I was going to ‘rant’ a bit more but you probably really don’t need to hear that *small smile* so I’ll just say that some of my friends, both younger and older, are all for only spending enough time to know a women to get them in bed, so I can completely understand where this book gets it’s focus from, all too many men (and some women) are out there to only ‘play the field. Though curious thought does strike, did the book have any stat’s/numbers as far as this train of thought?
Just a thought, or start of series of thoughts from one guy out here.
I TRY TO WATCH MY Ps & Qs & DON’T TRY TO BE PUSHY OR TOUCHY, I WAS DROPPED ON MANY DATES BECAUSE (HE WAS TO MUCH OF A GENTLEMAN!!) WHAT DO I GET FOR BEING A GENTLEMAN, DON’T YOU LIKE ME, YOU HAVEN’T MADE ANY MOVES ON ME, YOU HAVEN’T TRIED TO KISS ME, YOU HAVE NOT TRIED TO GET ME IN BED YET, ARE YOU GAY OR WHAT!
YOU SAY YOU DON’T WANT PUSHY BUT UPSET WHEN IT DOESN’T HAPPEN.
I HAVE TO LAUGH AT THE COMMENTS, I BET ALL OF YOU ARE DISAPPOINTED IF THE MAN DOESN’T MAKE A MOVE ON YOU OR SAY & THINK THE SAME THINGS.
YOU WOMEN ARE NOT IN TOUCH WITH YOU FEELINGS, I THOUGHT THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE GOOD AT. YOUR NOT LISTENING TO YOUR INNER CHILD OR YOU DON’T WANT TO. PAULY
This piece is not even an oversimplification. It’s just generalizing. It’s female sexual tunnel vision, a condition that causes women to view only the males they find attractive as “men.” The rest of us, regardless of our conduct or motivation, simply don’t count. So Pauly, don’t worry about being pidgeonholed; you don’t fit the definition of being a man any more than I do. This article doesn’t apply to us.
I have an even more primal take on the man/woman dynamic. Have you ever had a pet reptile? They will not food that doesn’t run away. Men are like that. (I like men but they are like this; even the great ones.) If you run, they hunt. They can’t help it. If you chase them, they run away. They can’t help it. This is how the term hard-to-get came about but it can be played simply with confidence instead of as a game. If he isn’t chasing you, don’t chase him. Leave. That way you give him a chance to hunt. And if he isn’t making any effort to catch you, you probably don’t need him anyway.
I think that confidence could have a lot to do with the different takes women have in their 20s and 40s on dating.
to Pauly,
Try dating women that are not as sexy. They haven’t been hurt, runover, used, etc……