You’ve stayed with him because it is magical when you are with him. He treats you like a queen. You have interesting conversations. He makes you laugh. And when you touch — electricity. You know this combination is rare, so you’ve put up with the parts that aren’t great.
But your needs aren’t being met. You’ve shared with him several times the specifics of what you need in a relationship. You know he heard you as he’s repeated them back to you and you occasionally see attempts at his giving you what you want. But there’s not consistent effort. So you feel frustrated at not getting what is important to you.
You’ve talked to him about it and he promises to do better. Which he does for a day or so. He doesn’t seem to be willing or able to consistently give you what you need, even though your needs seem pretty basic to you. How onerous is connecting daily, seeing each other at least once a week, making plans to see each other at least a day in advance? For him, apparently, Herculean.
You’ve given him 95% of what he says he needs, and told him you are uncomfortable with the remaining 5%, which he said he’s willing to live with. You asked if he has any yet unspoken needs. He said no.
You decide you need to release this man, although giving up the yummy parts is hard. But you know if you continue to see him, you won’t experience someone who consistently shows he wants to make you happy, just as you want to make your partner happy.
You are taking a stand. Not only for how you want to be treated, but for your future with a man who understands you and clearly wants to be with you.
For some women it is hard to take a stand — to say, “This isn’t working for me.” Then to take action to remedy the situation. Sometimes the act of taking a stand will help him see that he needs to do something dramatic if he wants to be in your life. Or perhaps he will agree that it isn’t working for him, either. And you’ll both make adjustments or decide to part ways.
If you’ve given concerted effort to express your needs, and he doesn’t say he can provide them or seems uninterested in helping you get your needs met, then it isn’t a match. Unless he said he would absolutely give you what you said you need then doesn’t, there’s no need to be angry. It’s just a mismatch. And the earlier you see that and extricate yourself, the happier both of you will be.
I’ve struggled with this myself, as the good times can overshadow what’s missing. So I delude myself it’s working and stay in the relationship longer than I should. Often it is he who pulls the plug and while it can hurt, after that pain has subsided, it is easier to see it is really for the best. And in an odd way I’m grateful he had the courage to do something that I was unable to do — at least at the time.