You were contacted online by a man who lives 75 minutes away. You exchange a few emails; you have a nice phone conversation. You accept his coffee invitation for a few days hence, agreeing to meet half way.
You think about the conversation for a few days, realizing he disclosed a few things that make you know you aren’t a good match in terms of temperament and interests, plus there’s the distance issue. You think about the time it will take — 30 minutes to get ready, 45 minutes to drive there, 30-60 minutes for coffee, 45 minutes to drive home. You realize you don’t have enough evidence that this would be worth three hours to meet this guy.
You realize it would most likely be a waste of time for both of you.
You take a deep breath and call him and politely cancel.
This is the right thing to do. It is respectful of both of you.
While I typically advocate meeting new men who meet your key criteria, this man doesn’t meet enough of what you’re looking for. The distance alone would give you pause even if he offered to make the trip most of the time. Yes, distance can be overcome if enough major criteria are met. But with some of what he disclosed on the phone, it sounds like you’re not really well matched.
People often tell me how much courage it takes to date. Yes, it takes courage to keep putting yourself out there, meeting new people, risking heartbreak. But it also takes courage to not try to start something with someone you don’t have a good sense has the values you’re looking for, even if he seems like a nice person.
Yes, this story happened to me this week. I felt bad for a few seconds, thinking I had led him on by accepting his invitation to meet. But then, once I decided I needed to cancel and made the call, I knew it was the right thing for both of us.
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Comments
4 responses to “When canceling is the right thing to do”
DG,
With all that you’ve been through this year, why the rush to get back into the dating pool? Don’t you feel like it’s time to take a breather from the dating scene?
Elena: Thanks for your concern. But obviously I feel like getting back on the horse is the best thing for me right now. I’m not doing so without a lot of thought, thus my decision not to encourage the gentleman I wrote about in “The stealth date.” I am continuing to approach dating with as much consciousness, consideration, compassion and introspection as I can.
Hi DG,
IMHO, you did the right thing. If only other daters (both male and female) had half of your innate good sense and consideration for others, the dating arena would be a much happier and healthier place for all involved. 🙂
Hugs from bookyone 🙂
DG, it’ll be interesting to see if you actually feel much interest in anyone right now. I applaud your desire to ‘get back on the horse’ but sometimes (most of the time!) our instincts protect us better than our brains do. Best wishes and warm hugs!