[googmonify]8790107066:right:120:600[/googmonify]While I’m traveling this month, some of my dating/relationship blogger pals have agreed to step in. Today our guest blogger is Jeff Mac, of Manslations fame.
Manslations reader Loiralei, has another of her patented “short, sweet, and potent” reader requests. This time? So….ummm…how soon can we DO IT? She writes:
How many dates should you go on with a man before you actually have sex with him for the first time without appearing to be a lady of easy virtue in a man’s eyes?
Dear Loiralei,
Two.
No wait, eleven.
I mean, four.
Hold on, nine. Yeah, it’s nine.
See how silly any of those numbers sound? This is not a coincidence.
I’ve written about this once before, in response to a Google search about this very thing (read the other post here.) At the end of that post, my blogger pal, Terry referred to a Dear Abby article in her comment. Evidently Abby suggested that a woman hold off on sex, or it will dissipate the “chase and mystery” for the man, thereby destroying any chance of a relationship.
Dear Abby’s idea, to me, smells suspiciously like something that comes out of the southern end of a northbound bull. (Hint: Poop. It’s poop. You know, in case my metaphor wasn’t clear.) Here are 2 reasons why:
1. THIS JUST IN: SEX IS FUN…FOR YOU…uh, right?
I don’t like Abby’s old-school attitude that seems to be “Sex is something that women don’t really like per se, they just use it to transact with men.” I mean, there ARE women who have sex for that reason. But their job is illegal. (I have no idea why, though. As George Carlin once said, “I can’t understand why it’s illegal to sell something that is perfectly legal to give away.”) You shouldn’t have to feel as if what you want brands a scarlet letter on you.
2. MORE BREAKING NEWS: THIS IS NOT 1720
From a manslative perspective, the idea that you should hold off on sex to keep up the sense of chase and mystery is total nonsense. I mean…you’re going to have sex at SOME point, aren’t you? So…what then? At that point he doesn’t care about the chase and mystery anymore? I don’t get it.
Why might a man thnk you’re a lady of easy virtue?
Probably because he was born during the Renaissance. Alongside Dear Abby, I imagine. Seriously, having sex when you want to, BECAUSE you want to isn’t looked upon as a negative. Not that I’ve ever heard of.
However…
I will admit that men don’t like to think that you just fall into bed with everyone you see. But that’s not about WHEN you do it. That’s about them wanting to feel like they are a total badass (as opposed to just another dude.) If you can make him feel like he’s a badass, like a MAN, like you chose him for HIM, he’s not going to care when you chose to have sex.
HERE’S WHY WITHHOLDING SEX WON’T HELP: Really think about it and tell me if it makes any sense. As in:
“Well, I didn’t really like her very much. I was just hoping to have sex with her. But when she REFUSED to have sex with me…well! That’s when I fell in love with her.”
Doesn’t sound very realistic, does it? Or how about this one:
“We really clicked. I really liked spending time with her. But then I found out that not only did she WANT to have sex with me (ugh!), she actually went ahead and DID it (Double ugh!) Game over!”
Yeah, that one doesn’t really work either, does it? See what I’m saying?
Now, I suppose that there are some men who MIGHT react strangely to early sex — probably older guys, who still remember a time when mister, we could use a man like Hoybert Hoover again. But…
THAT’S A BAD SIGN
Uh, do you really want to date a guy who is going to judge you for having sex when you wanted to? Because, you know, you WANT to. That’s YOU he’s judging there. And if he thinks that something that you genuinely want to do is a bad thing, well, sounds like a pretty lousy start, don’t you think?
Seriously, Loiralei, I’d say just do it when YOU feel ready to do it. The right guy will be thrilled with that. And, um, who gives a crap about anybody else?
Ladies? Anybody have a theory/method by which they determine when to have sex? How does it work?
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Comments
6 responses to “Why might a man think you’re a lady of easy virtue?”
Jeff… what you wrote sounds good in theory, but in my experience (and those of my female friends and relatives), those ideas do not seem to hold up in real life.
Antiquated as it may be, I think many (or possibly even the majority) of men react negatively to early sex (though they may say otherwise). They may really like a woman, but if she has sex with them too soon, their perceptions change (thinking she is “easy,” etc.). This absolutely can and does end many a budding relationship that would have had potential. Also… equally antiquated, but still true… men do like “the chase.” They may be crazy about a woman but when she gives in and the chase is over after a date or two, their perceptions change. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that neither of them really knows the other at that point, it’s just too soon. If they waited and took the time to get to know each other and develop some real feelings instead of just lust or the “thrill of the chase” then it’s much less likely the guy will lose interest after they have sex.
Another advantage for a woman to wait, is to weed out the men that are looking only for sex and not a relationship (unless of course, both parties want the same thing and are up front about it).
Couples that start out very hot and passionate from the first date, with sex right away, usually burn out just as fast. It may be antiquated, but it still seems to be human nature.
(and speaking of antiquated.. you probably have no idea how many men still use the “well, it’s caveman instinct, that’s the way we’re made” excuse to justify their constant ogling of other women, or wanting to have sex with multiple women at the same time! So… forget the Renaissance era… were these guys born 50,000 years ago, or what?? And there are still a LOT of men that are very anti-feminist who still think women should stay home, barefoot, pregnant and cooking all the time… not kidding, I’ve encountered many of them.)
As to how long women should wait… depends on what you want. If you just want sex, then do it whenever. If you want a relationship, better to wait and let it develop a while before sex enters the picture. Most women become attached to a man after they start having sex, and if it happens before any kind of real relationship has formed, there is a much higher likelihood of it ending quickly.
My feeling about this is that if the person is a good candidate for a relationship, if it’s a good fit, if both parties are in love, getting physical isn’t going to hurt anything. But both parties have to be equally comfortable and ready; one party can’t be pushing while the other is thinking, “well, all right–it’s too late to drive home and I’m too tired to resist.” One advantage to waiting, however, is the build-up, making that first time really, really good.
The problem I’ve come across is when it’s *not* a good fit, which becomes more and more obvious as you spend more time together. And I’m here to say that men are just as likely to get attached once you have sex, it’s just as hard to get rid of them.
So, the issues for me are both parties being comfortable, ready, honest (with themselves and each other), and aware of what the sex does and doesn’t “mean.”
So if our (meaning us women) agenda is to have sex with this guy because we like him, we like sex, and want to continue the relationship, and I don’t mean marrying, but just continue seeing eachother…..how do we know that is agenda too? And asking, IMO, seems like it won’t bring an honest answer because if he’s a player, he’s going to tell us what we want to hear.
IMLE, Deanna is spot on in her assessment of the reasons why the chase, (sometimes known as courtship), is necessary, if the relationship is to go beyond the initial bump and grind and the occasional late night booty call thereafter. Most of my male friends in their 30s and 40s agree; even if they think a gal is really hot stuff, they all said if she puts out right away, (i.e., on the first date or in the back of the cab back to his place or her place or on a barstool somewhere in between), she’s nothing but a good time lay, the kind of gal who’s fun for a while, but definitely not long term relationship or marriage material.
Being older and having experienced a fair share of the fun side of life in my 20s and 30s, I’m holding out for a prince this time around; a prince who knows that sex is more than a recreational activity, but means something when it’s used as a physical expression of love and affection between two people and not just because there’s nothing much doing on cable TV.
And if he doesn’t want to wait until I’m comfortable and our relationship is on an exclusive basis because, in his pea brained opinion, I’m not worth waiting for? Well, let’s just say I’d rather find out that little piece of information before I invest my heart, soul and a good part of my savings in a wedding dress, or even a lacy trousseau from Victoria’s Secret. Oh and in the case of the mad mauler, he’s a CHUMP or a CHIMP, but definitely not a CHAMP or much of a prince in my book.
DG ROCKS!!! 🙂
Bookyone, nice to see you back. You are sounding good.
Many have regretted acting in the heat of the moment in dating experiences. Alcohol is usually always involved. It seems cold to put it like this, but it always puts the man in the power position.
It didn’t take me long to realize (post divorce) that I get pie eyed post nookie with a guy. I also am willing to put up with poor behavour because of it. (NOt what you want after escaping an emotionally abusive marriage. I know know I will only set myself up to get hurt if it isn’t an established dating relationship.
Unfortunately, sex changes things and sex early on really changes the dynamic of a budding relationship..BTDT. I know for me, sex is much better when done within the confines of a committed, monogamous relationship.