A guy pal called me on a Friday night and was surprised I was home. He knew I’d been dating a guy for a few weeks and thought I’d be out on the town. “Is he out of town?” he asked. “No.” When I explained that I saw my guy Wed., but we weren’t scheduled to see each that weekend, my friend gently suggested this wasn’t a good sign.
“If he hasn’t locked you up for a weekend date, he’s not thinking this relationship is ‘A’ priority. If he is kicking with his buds on Friday and watching the game on Sat. night — without you — this isn’t good. You’re not at the top of his priority list.” He was right.
I now watch for what days a guy asks to see me and how far in advance he asks for the date. It he only wants to see me during the work week and not the weekend, a yellow flag unfurls. If he waits until the last minute to call, it seems that he’s seeing if something better comes along. If nothing does, he gives me a call. While I don’t want to play hard to get, I also don’t want to be at his beck and call. While I don’t mind a spontaneous date once in a while, I really appreciate when someone puts some thought into making sure I’ll be available in advance.
Notice when he calls to chat. Is it always on his way to or from work? Walking to a meeting? Cleaning his house? Watching TV? Then he’s multitasking. I know, we are all busy nowadays, but if he’s doing something else, he’s not fully available to talk about — and listen to — important things. He’s probably just “reporting in” and wanting a superficial conversation. While those are fine for short talks, I want some focused time to talk about deeper subjects.
So notice where you fit in his priorities. Once I made a first call at an agreed upon time. The guy’s first words after “hello” were, “Can I call you back? I have to put the towels in the linen closet.” How important do you think that made me feel? Putting away his laundry was more important than talking to me. Although I saw him periodically over six months, that first observation held true throughout. He was always busy doing other things so he had little time for me — other than talking to me while he was driving somewhere other than to see me!
BTW, I’ve been told that if you only get mid-week dates and last minute calls, you may be his “spare” girlfriend. In other words, there’s an alpha gal who gets weekend time, and you get the leftovers. Same with phone calls — if he’s calling you mostly while in the car, maybe he’s got a live-in so can’t talk at home. Not that one should be overly suspicious, but don’t be a chump. Learn some of the signs so you know what you’re getting yourself into. If you, too, are balancing two guys, you can’t really complain.
If you notice he’s not giving you prime time, then talk to him about it. If he refuses to give you “A” time, then move on.
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Comments
3 responses to “Are you getting prime time from your man?”
Interesting points, but of course each case is different. If the man has children and they live with him, or if they are with him on weekends, weekends may be his time with his children. Hopefully, as his girlfriend you start to join him and his children on those weekends, but maybe not ALWAYS.
I agree about the conversations though. I do not like it if my boyfriend always calls while driving or doing something else. Not just because he may have another girlfriend. I do not suspect another woman. I just want to be a higher priority for his time. I think that talking is necessary when two people are getting to know each other. Lengthy conversations about the relationship or about beliefs, dreams, aspirations, the world in general, are necessary. If schedules are too busy or you live too far apart to see each other multiple times per week, I would suggest setting up phone call times–even if they must be limited to 20 or 30 minutes–that are not multi-tasking time.
Liz — I like the idea of setting up non-multitask time. Good suggestion.
[…] he takes to meet with you, not only the first time but in subsequent communications. In “Are you getting prime time from your man?” I outline ways you can tell if you aren’t a top priority for a guy. While one would […]