My friend British professional speaker Graham Davies describes himself as “aggressively single.” He’s 44 and has a highly successful speaking business in Europe and the US.
Friends tease me about the number of men I’ve gone out with in the last two years. Often they exclaim, “I haven’t dated that many people in my life!” Well, they found their sweetie quicker than I have, or are happy being unattached. Like Graham, right now I’m being aggressively single.
What does that mean exactly? For Graham it means he enjoys dating around. He has a Bond mystique. Women flock to him although he’s not classically handsome. He smiles often, flirts easily, is intelligent, funny, quick witted, good mannered and comfortable with himself. Not being GQ beautiful works in his favor — it disarms women’s initial response to a traditionally good-looking man: “He must be a player.”
What does it mean for me? That I’m willing to have coffee with men who meet my criteria, which are, believe it or not, pretty high. When people hear the number of men I’ve gone out with, they naturally assume I will see any man who asks. This is not the case. I turn down all but a small percentage of the requests for a meeting.
Aggressively single means you meet a lot of people who you discover aren’t a good fit once you have a face-to-face. You have to be willing to continue going back in the pool, even if you haven’t found a swimming partner in a while. You have to steel yourself for the disappointments. For every 10 guys I go out with, there’s only a mutual connection with one. You have to realize dating is a numbers game. Some people are lucky and find “the one” after only meeting a handful of people.
So know that you most likely will have to meet a lot of guys who on paper (in their profile and email) and on the phone seem like they’d be a good match. But when you meet, something critical is missing. (See my observations on this in “Signs that he won’t be asking for a second date” and “First-date red flags that this guy isn’t for you.”)
Don’t get discouraged. Keep diving into the dating pool!