Bev, a DG reader, shared:
I met a guy a couple months ago, and I really like him. He is everything I could possibly ask for, except for one thing, he doesn’t work. He is only 43 and on a pension. He told me that he was ill for two years and has not worked for two years since he got well.
I like to consider myself an understanding person and am always thoughtful of the well-being of others. The fact that he hasn’t worked for quite some time, and I don’t see any improvement in that area, except that he says he is planning to start his own business “sometime” has me concerned.
I work very hard as a single mother with 2 teens, and I do a lot of overtime when I can. I don’t have a lot of time for pleasure, but I do try to get out as much as I can, and this guy has all the time in the world to go out to pubs and stay up all night through the week, and sleep as much through the day as he wants. All of this just doesn’t sit well with me.
I really like him a lot, and he has a lot to offer as far as a relationship goes, and he has told me that he really wants me, but I am just not sure I can deal with the fact that he is unemployed and living on a very tight budget. I don’t want to make myself look materialistic, and I don’t feel that I am, but I am torn and I don’t know what to do.
So he’s on a very tight budget but he goes to the pub multiple times a week? He has money for a few pints, but not enough to have the lifestyle that matches yours?
This is a tough one. My ex and I had different levels of ambition and lifestyle desires. It created tension as he was happy with thrift-store furniture, for example, and I wanted nicer things. He liked to camp and hike on vacation and I’m a more bed-and-breakfast kinda gal. Money issues are one of the top topics couples argue about.
You’ve only been seeing him for a few months. I’d say that when it is time to have the “exclusivity” talk, you should share what you need to feel comfortable being in a relationship. Some men need a little wake up call to see that if they want to be with a great woman, they need to think beyond their own lifestyle choices. If he wants to continue living a meager life, he can do so. And you’ll choose to see him along with others, decide you don’t want to settle for constant financial struggles, or that you’ll continue as it is now and see if he starts to shift his financial situation.
Whatever you do, don’t stifle your desires without communicating. It will only cause you both frustration. Best to share your vision of what you want and both of you deciding if you can sign on to creating a life together that you both love.
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