Dating after 40

Much has been written about how Facebook has helped end many marriages because people rekindle relationships with old flames. They begin romancing each other through emails, texts and calls until their allegiance to their spouse withers and they have become etionally attached to their new-old flame. Sometimes the damage is done without their actually seeing each other after decades or having a physical affair.

A pal shared a story of his best friend, Mel, who had some recent health challenges which resulted in him having zero libido. Not just during the treatment of his health problem, but afterward. Prior to this circumstance, Mel’s sex drive had been high. He’s been married to his current wife for about 10 years so she knew him during the high-lust years.

Most of the people I talk to about dating want to find “The One” quickly and get the dating roller coaster ride over. They don’t enjoy the process of meeting new people and being disappointed when there isn’t mutual attraction. Or if there is, it doesn’t last long.

The other day I was helping a newly dating pal navigate dating waters. He’s been dating about 6 months after the breakup of a long-term relationship and was multidating. He’s gone out with one woman multiple times in the last 6 weeks — we’ll call her Amy — and continues to see other women including another woman he’s seen 5 times. Let’s call this woman Betty. Amy is head-over-heels for him and thinks he’s The One. They’ve slept together a few times.

He’s not specifically told Amy about Betty or any of the other woman, but feels he’s communicated by saying “I’m not ready to be exclusive.” When we talked, he was feeling he and Betty were going to get intimate on their next date in a few days.

He is a good guy, very thoughtful, conscientious and sensitive. He’s not a player, which I define as someone who is knowingly deceitful to get what he wants. He called because he wanted to ensure that he had done the right thing with Amy by telling her he wasn’t ready to be exclusive. I had to tell him the bad news.

A 26-year-old pal shared with me that he took his girlfriend around the neighborhood to enjoy the Christmas lights. “She said we don’t do enough romantic stuff and she wanted to do see the lights. So I asked her if this was romantic and she said yes.” I gave him kudos for listening to her and acting on giving her a romantic experience.

Which launched a discussion of what is considered romantic. I said, “Do you know her definition of romance?”

A few weeks ago I bought a new car — at least it was new to me. A neighbor was selling his used SUV with very low mileage. I had been thinking it was time to replace my car, but I hadn’t done any research or decided what I wanted. I knew I didn’t want to buy new from a dealer although my last 3 cars were purchased that way. I also knew I wanted a low-mileage car with more cargo space than my sedan, and one that had been well maintained.

This car just sort of fell in my lap. Similar to how many midlife singles want their next mate to show up. They don’t want to do a lot of work to find their next love, but if someone comes along who meets their criteria, they won’t say no.

When a friend recently saw me with the car she asked how I liked it. I thought for a moment, then responded, “I like it but haven’t fallen in love with it yet.”

Boom! It hit me! My car was a lot like some men I’ve dated.

We typically date with a goal: to find someone with mutual attraction. Some of us also want love and a long-term, committed relationship. Some want marriage. Some want just a fling.

After dating a number of people and we don’t have the outcome we want, it can be frustrating. However, if we shift our perspective, we can avoid that frustration — at least most of it. After going out with 114 men and not finding “the one” I’ve learned a positive point of view is healthier than a negative one. It would be easy to say that there are no good men out there. Instead, I see that there are lots of good men, and even the ones who aren’t a romantic fit have other positive attributes.

I’ve noticed a trend. I don’t know if it’s just me or if it is common.

When I’ve met someone online and we’ve exchanged some emails and phone calls, when we meet there’s a sense of familiarity. The meeting seems like a formality, just verifying the other isn’t bizarre looking or socially inept and is attractive to us on some level. Assuming the other person passes for our definition of normal, we agree to a second encounter.

And here’s where it becomes somewhat Twilight-Zone-ish.

When you first meet someone and are deciding whether to see each other again, whether you want to or not, you consciously or unconsciously size each other up. In addition to deciding if you’re attracted to the other, you assess if you are in the same league as the other.

This league can be physical — there have been numerous studies that show people couple with others in the same relative attractiveness levels — with some obvious exceptions. Power and money (although some would say that money is power) is an exception. Thus the hot young woman with the not-so-attractive powerful/rich man. (Could be young, hot man with powerful/rich woman, but we don’t see that quite as much.)

Other elements of this league dynamic — in addition to looks and money/power — could be education, power without wealth (think politician), or fame.

When you decide to date someone you perceive as being a step or two below your league, you’ve found other characteristics that make it OK in your mind. You have lowered your standards in some area(s) because you think he has enough other attributes to mitigate where he doesn’t measure up.