Instant boyfriend

I’ve noticed a trend. I don’t know if it’s just me or if it is common.

When I’ve met someone online and we’ve exchanged some emails and phone calls, when we meet there’s a sense of familiarity. The meeting seems like a formality, just verifying the other isn’t bizarre looking or socially inept and is attractive to us on some level. Assuming the other person passes for our definition of normal, we agree to a second encounter.

And here’s where it becomes somewhat Twilight-Zone-ish.

On that second encounter, the man has transformed from someone I just met into my boyfriend. He may hold my hand, put his arm around me, or kiss me well before the end of the date. He may talk about trips he envisions us taking or my meeting his relatives. He has become an instant boyfriend.

While I’m not averse to PDA nor exploring future plans, it just seems he jumps to a closeness before it is warranted. After all, we barely know each other. I’m not sure yet if I want to be kissing this guy, let alone meeting his family. The relationship seems to have been accelerated, skipping some key parts of getting to know one another and letting the familiarity and connectedness unfold.

This instant relationship has been time-collapsed even more dramatically in some instances where men have French kissed me upon first meeting me, or assumed we were going to sleep together on our first date. I have had men tell me they were falling in love with me during our first encounter.


Is it that they are so lonely/horny/desperate that the slightest interest from a woman catapults them into relationship mode? Are they players and these moves have proven fruitful in the past to get women in the sack? Are they so socially ignorant that they don’t know affection must grow?

Then I wonder if I’m doing something to draw out this behavior in a normally rational man. I’d like to think I was so sexy/fetching/bewitching that a sane man can be cast under my spell and quickly forget common sense, but I don’t believe it is me. I know I’m not all that.

So this is another situation that goes into the “What would make him behave this way?” But instead of this just being one man’s behavior, I’ve seen it with enough men that I’ve noticed the trend.

If you’ve encountered this, what’s your explanation? Guys, can you give us some clues into why men would jump to instant boyfriend behavior?


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8 responses to “Instant boyfriend”

  1. Sonya Avatar

    I have seen the PDA thing. I even commented that I needed to get to know him to feel more comfortable but then there was no second date. Perhaps because they already ‘know’ so much about you because of your profile, they feel this is ok? Not sure. I am interested to hear other answers.

  2. Johnc Avatar

    Let’s be honest. It isn’t you. Indeed, you are not “all that”. However, the guys you are on these dates with that act like idiots are not “all that” either. This is merely a combination of whom is attracted to whom, and probably a bit of how how high status (or not) these males are.

    I daresay that if you were on a date with George Clooney, he would not act like this. He doesn’t have to. The women flock to him. Why? Because he is HIGH STATUS. The guys that are acting like you are “their girlfriend” after one date are losers. Drop them. And find a better class of men. Maybe real men.

  3. Cheryl Avatar

    Natalie at baggagereclaim says these men are called future fakers. They come on strong early in the relationship, making plans for the future. They lead you to believe that those plans will be with you, when in reality it’s their plans to do with someone, but it may not be you. I don’t know why they’d want to waste their time or mine, but it just seems to be a way of leading you on.

  4. Chong Avatar

    Well the odd thing is I have found the exact same behavior from women I have been out with. By the third date, they’re in the “where is this going?” mode. I was recently with one who discussed trips together months out into the future on the 2nd date. In a recent first date, was grabbing on and holding to my arm while we walked around a mall and then went for hand holding.

  5. Jim Avatar

    I would hear lots of bells ringing inside my head when it happens. A relationship doomed to failure. LOL

  6. bogspua Avatar

    Interesting article, people do seems to jump into putting labels and into the relationships without even getting known other person.

    From my guy experience in online dating, for some reason even in the emails (before we even met) I often being asked what I am looking for. I am all for knowing where I stand with other person, but this kind of pushing just turns me off, how can I honestly answer something like that before I even met the other person in life.

  7. emp Avatar

    From a guy’s perspective here 🙂

    I just spent the last, almost a year, on a dating site. Friends (who met on one about 6 years ago and are now married, have kids etc… recommended I try it)

    I am about ready to quit and try to meet someone the old fashioned way.

    I have had the exact same experience meeting “woman” (though most I think are now actually girls, after reading an article that outlines the differences between “girls and women” btw: there is one for “boys vs men” too)
    At 40 years old, many of the women I am meeting seem to be “in a rush”. Either to finally have kids, or if they already do, to “put that family unit back together”. Talking travel plans, getting asked before we even officially meet if I would ever consider marrying again, having more kids etc…

    Then there is the “recent photos” that are all at least 5 years old…

    Now I know guys on these sites are no angels either… many of my gal friends have told me horror stories about the guys that have contacted them or they have actually met…

  8. doug Avatar

    I have found both myself and dates too quickly having a feeling of intimacy and connection when our first introduction was via on-line sites. While your questions seem to imply an attitude of “what’s with these guys?”, I would shift the focus of curiosity to, “what is causing this behavior?”

    The details exposed through on-line dating websites are, in a sense, personal and can easily lead to a feeling of intimate connection. This short-circuits the normal process of slowly exposing our personal, more intimate details as we get to know the person and develop trust in them. Add in the fact that the initial communications are textual, a situation in which we all have a strong tendency to interpret the words in ways that satisfy our projections and expectation, and you have a powerful combination which inappropriately accelerates the process of romantically connecting with another person.

    I have learned to chill out, remind my self to slow down, that I really don’t know who they are, and enjoy the moment. That is to say, experience the person as they are in the moment rather than who I think they are. When a dating companion seems to be caught up in this phenomenon, I acknowledge their feelings, positively express my happiness that they feel that way, and then suggest that we take time and get to know one another better. Of course, this is presuming I like them and want to continue the relationship.